Questioning my own feelings?

[rpal12]

Hello, to save you from a lot of info, I want to keep this as short as possible. I am having a lot of issues with my wife, but its more around the fact that I haven't been happy for a long time. Much of our relationship I have just been "ok" and we in many ways grew up together (dating since college) and she has always been there, and I have come to realize we are very co-dependent. I have found that I have a strong need for more that I have been trying and in many ways failing to find in our marriage.

 

Either way, I have this very strong gut feeling that I am not going to find what I want in our situation. I have been seeing a counselor and trying to see what I can do, but not an overabundance of hope these days. At the same time I feel hopeful and optimistic (amongst the negative emotions too) about being able to move forward and pursue my own happiness, I worry that I am "tricking" myself by feeling the way I am. It sounds kind of crazy that I feel as though I am tricking myself even after having spent months in therapy where I have made a lot of headway.

 

Is this something someone else has experienced and has insight into? At what point do I trust my gut here?

 

Thank you so much.

[LoveMyCat]

Do,you have kids? How long have you been married? Have you discussed separation or divorce at all?

[Arieswoman]

rpal,

First of all I would like to say that I think you are approaching this is a mature and logical manner.

Therapy is always useful to explore issues that can hold you back from feeling fulfilled.

I am not sure what you mean by "tricking" yourself? IMO you either feel something or you don't. If you gut is telling you one thing and your logic another I would always listen to your gut.

However, that's just me and I think your therapist is the best one to discuss this with.

 

Good luck.

[rpal12]

Do,you have kids? How long have you been married? Have you discussed separation or divorce at all?

 

We do have one child who 6 months old, we have been married about 3.5 years, but together in total around 12, since the early part of college. She understands where I am at mentally, knows I have been seeing a therapist (two different ones actually), and we have had a few brief conversations about concerns around divorce, etc. Given how young our child is, I have a hard time with a separation as I want to be around as much as possible, but understand that will be a reality if our relationship is not going to work. I do travel a fair amount for work which my counselor feels can achieve some of the same effects, and I can honestly say outside of really missing my daughter, I feel like I am more "me" and overall happier, even having to work crazy hours.

 

Unfortunately many of these feelings started to become more pronounced during the pregnancy which is when I started seeing a counselor. In the simplest way of putting, looking back I feel as though I have been on autopilot for a large chunk of the last decade, moving forward with what I thought was what I "should" be doing while ignoring what part of me was wanting. I would like nothing more than to get to a place of being as happy as I want to be but that's being a very challenging path.

 

rpal,

First of all I would like to say that I think you are approaching this is a mature and logical manner.

Therapy is always useful to explore issues that can hold you back from feeling fulfilled.

I am not sure what you mean by "tricking" yourself? IMO you either feel something or you don't. If you gut is telling you one thing and your logic another I would always listen to your gut.

However, that's just me and I think your therapist is the best one to discuss this with.

 

Good luck.

 

Thanks for the response. Its hard to even describe, i tend to think through things to a fault so I suspect this is a consequence of that. I look at things from a logical perspective in our relationship and can pinpoint many exact moments where I wanted more, but convinced myself that it wasn't realistic/possible to have what I wanted. Admittedly this is from my current perspective which may be influencing those feelings a bit. Then I look at it from a gut perspective and I have this gut feeling that I will be a better/happier person outside of our relationship. Perhaps this fear that I am lying to myself with my own feelings is some level of guilt, or concern that I may want this in the short term (but my nine months of therapy proves pretty well thats not likely the case). Just an odd feeling to have but I think is the result of my overthinking the situation.

[beach]

It is only up to you to make yourself happy. It's not your wife's job to do that for you. You are only as happy as you decide you will be.

 

Since you say you're not - what actions have you taken that your counselor has suggested? And why two counselors, one should be enough, yes?

 

Have you had any interest or "pull" from someone you're interested outside your marriage?

 

 

And if you divorce - you never stop being a Dad to your child - that is only up to you to continue to make a lot of effort to spend time on your own with her when you're not traveling. You can decide how much time you wish to see her.

 

You can learn how to be happy on your own or while divorced. But relying on anyone else for YOUR happiness is backwards - it's your responsibility to be as unhappy or happy as you decide to be.

 

 

It's sad, really, for your wife. Mainly because you have offered your unhappy self to this M expecting it to become magically happy. It doesn't work that way - she shouldn't be responsible for 200% of adding happy into your marriage - you are responsible for your share of the 100%.

 

But since you can't offer your share I don't think it's fair to expect her to be capable of offering more than her 100%.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's sad, really, for your wife. Mainly because you have offered your unhappy self to this M expecting it to become magically happy. It doesn't work that way - she shouldn't be responsible for 200% of adding happy into your marriage - you are responsible for your share of the 100%.

 

But since you can't offer your share I don't think it's fair to expect her to be capable of offering more than her 100%.

 

Agree with every word. And beyond that, I'd guess she had a baby with you on the assumption - spoken or not - that you were committed to the marriage.

 

Either way, I have this very strong gut feeling that I am not going to find what I want in our situation. I have been seeing a counselor and trying to see what I can do, but not an overabundance of hope these days.

 

Then why drop a child into the middle of your uncertainty ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[rpal12]

I appreciate the feedback. First thing I want to clear up it's that these feelings came to the surface during the pregnancy. Looking back with perfect twenty twenty vision yes I was unhappy in many ways or more clearly I was "ok" with how our marriage was and felt that what I wanted and hoped for was not realistic or not important enough. I feel like it was an ignorance on my part or some willingness to not accept our reject how I may have felt deep down. I never walked into a marriage or having a child with the feelings I am currently having.

 

I have tremendous guilt in how I have made her feel but I don't want to act motivated by guilt or obligation. Initially I was seeing a psychologist and after a few months was recommended to a counselor. Have found the different views helpful but have been going less and less to the original as I've been finding more help through the person I was recommended to. Regarding the question about outside influences I have had friends through work that have started to get into a grey area (flirting and the short) but have distanced myself entirely as I don't want to cloud anything or put myself in a situation where I may not act in the way I definitely don't want.

 

Completely agree that my happiness is my own responsibility which is why I am trying to make the changes I need to make in order to be happy or consider other alternatives. Over the last several years I found more and more of my happiness through friends or work and now my daughter. If anything it has been the opposite where I spent years doing everything I could to make her happy and more or less being taken for granted. My needs were never a top priority for her and l was missing a lot of the passion in life that I thrive on. Which resulted in me detaching and finding happiness with friends/work.

 

Also I'm not sure if l gave any indication they I am not fully committed to my daughter but that is the farthest thing from the case. I am fully prepared to find another job or do whatever I have to in order to be there for her at all times. I hope that is absolutely clear.

[idoltree]

Hello, to save you from a lot of info, I want to keep this as short as possible. I am having a lot of issues with my wife, but its more around the fact that I haven't been happy for a long time. Much of our relationship I have just been "ok" and we in many ways grew up together (dating since college) and she has always been there, and I have come to realize we are very co-dependent. I have found that I have a strong need for more that I have been trying and in many ways failing to find in our marriage.

 

So you've been together since you were very young. There are three ways of thinking about this:

 

• You got together before you were fully formed personalities, and have grown apart rather than in a parallel fashion.
  
• Because you've just been in this relationship, your expectations for what a relationship can be like are higher than the reality of what relationships are like after many years together.
  
• A combination of those two.
  

Obviously, you don't want to leave if there's a chance you'll regret it, because there is a lot at stake.

 

Either way, I have this very strong gut feeling that I am not going to find what I want in our situation.

Have you identified what it is that you want that you feel you are missing?

 

It's hard to give advice without knowing what you feel you are lacking in your relationship. I understand that you are trying to be general out of fear of identifying yourself (as most posters do), but please do try to give more detail about this.

 

I appreciate the feedback. First thing I want to clear up it's that these feelings came to the surface during the pregnancy. Looking back with perfect twenty twenty vision yes I was unhappy in many ways or more clearly I was "ok" with how our marriage was and felt that what I wanted and hoped for was not realistic or not important enough. I feel like it was an ignorance on my part or some willingness to not accept our reject how I may have felt deep down. I never walked into a marriage or having a child with the feelings I am currently having.

Again, there are a few ways of looking at this if the problems arose during the pregnancy.

 

• Having a child with her made you feel trapped and rather than recognizing that is about your fears and issues, you projected your unhappiness onto the relationship. You got distant, and your wife reacted by clinging more tightly, which made you want more distance, and on and on...
  
• Having a child brought up the fundamental weaknesses in your relationship that you'd been able to ignore up to that point.
  
• A combination of those two.
  

Looking back with perfect twenty twenty vision yes I was unhappy in many ways or more clearly I was "ok" with how our marriage was and felt that what I wanted and hoped for was not realistic or not important enough. I feel like it was an ignorance on my part or some willingness to not accept our reject how I may have felt deep down. I never walked into a marriage or having a child with the feelings I am currently having.

Again, you need to sort out whether it was the chicken or the egg. Were you really unhappy and it took having a child together to understand that or did having a child together create unhappiness? This determines whether there is a way out of this together or if you the only way out is to leave.

 

I have tremendous guilt in how I have made her feel but I don't want to act motivated by guilt or obligation

You have to let go of guilt and obligation if you are to see things clearly.

 

Have the two of you pursued marital counseling?

[rpal12]

Thank you very much idoltree.this is very helpful. Regarding your various questions. Now that I have affluent time in counselling I do think we have grown apart and also that there are some fundamental differences between us that I either overlooked or didn't impact me as much in the past.

 

What I have figured out as the missing factor is passion. Not just for each other but life in general. I'm an adventurous person and want to feel as though I am living my life as much as I can. I want us to have a physical passion as well as other excitement and interest (sex has always been an area of us being very far apart except early on). She has never been the type to show physical passion and when we talked this over and she in the past was never receptive. Given the extent of our current situation more attempts were made and it seems very fake when she tries to show it. I can clearly tell it's more or less an act. Regarding passion in life we have travelled a lot together (mostly by my interest but I have always planned things she would be interested in as well) and I try to plan things that we can enjoy together and have fun even at home. Much of the time this never really works out and we end up just having an ok time. It's hard for me that I have my happiest moments with friends or coworkers rather my spouse. I want her to be the person I have the most fun with. Looking back now this hasn't been the case for a very long time. Now with our daughter I want her to grow up experiencing life like that. Even if its something simple around the area I want to do things and help her grow and learn.

 

Early on when these feelings started to come up I attributed them to feeling trapped with my daughter since that seemed the most logical. At this point I started therapy. I feel as though I ruled that out since I want nothing more than to see her every day and be with her. I feel if we had a stronger relationship our daughter would only make us stronger but instead has shown the cracks. In full honesty there is a part of me that does feel that outside our relationship I could be happier but never do those thoughts exclude my daughter being an absolute essential part of my life. She doesn't make me feel trapped in anything the time I spend with her makes me feel alive. I don't think I am focusing on the trapped feelings but rather the kind of relationship I wish I had to share those moments with.

 

I agree that I need to sort out what came first. I believe it to be having her come into our lives exposed many of the flaws that could be ignored before. But given the extent of this decision on everything I am very hesitant to make any final decisions with that.

 

We are both in counselling apart but have talked about going jointly. Has not yet taken place though. Thank you again your reply was very helpful. I appreciate you taking the time.

[beach]

Happiness comes from within.

 

You are relying on it from outside sources - which is backwards.

 

And for the record - YOU can't MAKE your wife feel any certain way... This refers to your post saying you have guilt for "making her feel _____". That's not possible unless she allows it.

 

You could explore that for a whole year in counseling - have you addressed the fact that you believe you have that power to MAKE her feel a certain way?

[rpal12]

Happiness comes from within.

 

You are relying on it from outside sources - which is backwards.

 

And for the record - YOU can't MAKE your wife feel any certain way... This refers to your post saying you have guilt for "making her feel _____". That's not possible unless she allows it.

 

You could explore that for a whole year in counseling - have you addressed the fact that you believe you have that power to MAKE her feel a certain way?

 

I have gone over this with my counselor and very much understand. I guess what I was trying to say is that I feel guilty that my actions may result in her unhappiness. I know it's not my responsibility to make her happy but old habits die hard I guess. Regarding my own happiness when I say I have more happiness through work our friends I suppose I should say that is where I am able to find myself being my happiest. I feel I am more myself in these situations and as a result am happier. I am not relying on my friends or coworkers to make me happy but instead I am more happy in those situations or even when it's just me alone or with my daughter.

[idoltree]

Thank you very much idoltree.this is very helpful. Regarding your various questions. Now that I have affluent time in counselling I do think we have grown apart and also that there are some fundamental differences between us that I either overlooked or didn't impact me as much in the past.

 

You're welcome.

 

What I have figured out as the missing factor is passion. Not just for each other but life in general. I'm an adventurous person and want to feel as though I am living my life as much as I can. I want us to have a physical passion as well as other excitement and interest (sex has always been an area of us being very far apart except early on). She has never been the type to show physical passion and when we talked this over and she in the past was never receptive. Given the extent of our current situation more attempts were made and it seems very fake when she tries to show it. I can clearly tell it's more or less an act. Regarding passion in life we have travelled a lot together (mostly by my interest but I have always planned things she would be interested in as well) and I try to plan things that we can enjoy together and have fun even at home. Much of the time this never really works out and we end up just having an ok time. It's hard for me that I have my happiest moments with friends or coworkers rather my spouse. I want her to be the person I have the most fun with. Looking back now this hasn't been the case for a very long time. Now with our daughter I want her to grow up experiencing life like that. Even if its something simple around the area I want to do things and help her grow and learn.

Okay, so there are two types of passion here

 

Physical. I don't know what to tell you here, because it sounds like you knew you were a mismatch sexually and still married and had a child. Now you want things to change or you will leave. That seems unfair. At the same time, I understand as life progresses it seems like you don't want to miss out on this aspect of life.

 

So do you feel like you have a realistic idea of how sex lives work outside of your relationship? There are many men in your shoes, and some women, and sometimes you'll get lucky (heh) and find someone you match with sexually, but it's rare to find that and all of the other qualities in a partner that you are seeking.

 

Leaving is a risk. You may not find a sexual match with all the good qualities your wife has. Have you heard of the 80/20 rule? That even in the best committed relationships most partners will only be able to meet 80% of your needs? And when someone wants to justify leaving a relationship, they focus on the 20% that is missing. The assumption is that they will be able to find this missing 20% by leaving. While this is true, they don't take into account is the 80% that they've been taking for granted in their current partner and assume will be a package deal in a new person - the 80 plus the 20! The thought is that there is a 100% out there, and that's not realistic. So if you leave, you may find better sexual compatibility, but what if you have to give up kindness, loyalty, etc? What if the sex died down after a few years together and you found yourself in the same situation and you ended up with less than 80% with one person?

 

Have you tried to spice things up with your wife? Have you told her that this is troubling you and making you think of leaving, so that she is aware of how serious it is and has an opportunity to try and meet your needs?

 

Passion for life. I have to ask more about this one, too. What does this mean? Why do you need to have matching enthusiasm levels for the same things? What does that mean to you? Is it validation that you seek? Someone else said that you are looking externally for happiness and I have to agree, a bit.

 

I heard this from an ex of mine, so perhaps I can offer perspective. He felt that I had a "lack of joy" in certain areas. I was in counseling to deal with depression, but I did feel like it was situational. I was able to explain that to my ex, and that the thing that was bringing me down was going to resolve in some time, but he didn't believe that. He seemed to need to believe I was fundamentally lacking/inferior because I didn't view external things the same way he did. He was also not able to see that he had an inherent privilege that I did not have, and therefore having the carefree attitude he had could not come as easy for me as it did for him. Honestly, it felt like he was trying to find fault with me because he was scared of true intimacy. Our sex life was amazeballs, so this is what he fixated on about me.

 

It was frustrating to be on the receiving end. We laughed a lot, but I'm a more reserved person in general. I didn't need to be walking around saying "isn't this amaaaaazing?" to feel joy. It was... really weird.

 

So I don't know if your gripes are similar to my ex's, but hopefully that shined some light on how your wife may be feeling.

 

Do you laugh together? Do you have emotional intimacy? Or are you co-existing like roommates? What are you doing to lessen the life stress that she feels so she can experience those moments of joy with you?

 

Do you feel like your wife appreciates and respects you? Living without these things in a partner can drive a man to depression.

 

This brings me to another thought: is it possible that the two of you (or just her) have made your child into the center of your life? Your kid is only 6 months old, so right now you clearly need to be focused on the baby, but current American culture dictates that children need to be the parents' religion. Many a relationship is neglected in order to be obsessive parents, and then the parents are shocked that the relationship disintegrates, leaving the children without the foundation of an intact family. There needs to be a balance. Not too long ago, children were children, and the spouse was still worth time and effort in order to keep the marriage strong. Parents would hire babysitters and go out together, and it wasn't a federal crime. Nowadays, relationships are allowed to go to hell so that every moment may be devoted to the children. It's become a cultural norm, so parents think that putting time and energy into maintaining the marriage means that they are bad parents.

 

Do you and your wife have a babysitter and go out together once in awhile? Are you feeling neglected because of her focus on the baby? If so, it's okay to admit it and it doesn't make you a bad parent. It's hard to go from being someone's focus to be being put in the background. One would hope that this would get better as the child ages, but it will only get better if the two of you both prioritize your marriage.

 

Early on when these feelings started to come up I attributed them to feeling trapped with my daughter since that seemed the most logical. At this point I started therapy. I feel as though I ruled that out since I want nothing more than to see her every day and be with her.

The difference in intimacy with a partner and intimacy with a child is quite different. We are biologically wired to want closeness with our children.

 

However, if during our own childhoods, our parents were overbearing or controlling, or especially if they made us into their emotional caretakers, our own romantic relationships can feel overwhelming, engulfing, and like something from which we want to flee. If what you are feeling now is akin to feeling trapped because of your own experiences as a young child, they might be coming out now because it's not easy to leave a relationship once a child is in the picture.

 

I feel if we had a stronger relationship our daughter would only make us stronger but instead has shown the cracks.

Only if you were both committed to keeping the relationship strong. And you don't sound so committed, and your wife's focus is likely on the infant right now. Parenting is hard work, and at 6 months, your daughter is ramping up on the energy that is required, since she's more active.

 

In full honesty there is a part of me that does feel that outside our relationship I could be happier but never do those thoughts exclude my daughter being an absolute essential part of my life. She doesn't make me feel trapped in anything the time I spend with her makes me feel alive. I don't think I am focusing on the trapped feelings but rather the kind of relationship I wish I had to share those moments with.

No one suggested your daughter was making you feel trapped or that you are a bad father, so please put that to rest. What I've proposed is that adding a child - not your daughter specifically - has made you feel trapped in your relationship, and that is increasing your anxiety and causing you to find fault (real or imagined) as a way to distance yourself.

 

I agree that I need to sort out what came first. I believe it to be having her come into our lives exposed many of the flaws that could be ignored before. But given the extent of this decision on everything I am very hesitant to make any final decisions with that.

 

We are both in counselling apart but have talked about going jointly. Has not yet taken place though. Thank you again your reply was very helpful. I appreciate you taking the time.

Again, you're welcome.

 

Do talk to your counselor about whether you might be experiencing a fear of intimacy and looking for reasons to distance yourself?

 

It's worth exploring, because leaving a partner for these reasons will most likely lead to regret down the road. And even if you find someone you feel is more suitable, you are likely to want to distance yourself from that person, too, and will find yourself in this same spot again. That's because it's an internal problem, most easily coped with by projecting blame and fault onto an external partner, rather than doing the inner work necessary to become okay with intimacy and calm oneself about the feeling of being trapped.

 

You'll want to be able to rule this in or out before you make any decisions and your counselor will be able to help you do that.

 

I have gone over this with my counselor and very much understand. I guess what I was trying to say is that I feel guilty that my actions may result in her unhappiness. I know it's not my responsibility to make her happy but old habits die hard I guess.

Feeling this way sounds co-dependent. You have to understand where you end and where she begins, and if you are truly no longer invested in the relationship, it's more hurtful to stay and prevent your wife from finding someone who wants to love her and be with her. But you have to understand where that feeling is coming from, first. Edited March 8, 2015 by idoltree

[rpal12]

Thank you again for taking the time to write such a detailed reply. Definitely many things to think of and bring up in my next session.

 

Re. Physical intimacy you are right. I have felt this way for many years and tried to change things with at best short lived success. I always viewed this as normal (stereotype that sex sucks in long term relationships) and never a "good enough" reason to have serious issue with it. This has changed cause I realize how important this is to my feeling loved. 80/20 is a very good point and she does have tons of great qualities but one of the things that's missing is very high up my list unfortunately. Have tried to spice up for years with no luck and now find myself entirely disinterested. Even trying to just "fake it till I make it" results in me feeling like I'm being dishonest to myself and her.

 

The passion for life piece is a bit more grey. Truth be told we don't have a lot of fun together just us. We don't have a lot in common and share few of the same interests. In college the interests revolved more around going out with friends but as we matured I took on many other interests and I can't see the same for her. I have tried to find ways we can do things together and often times it just ends up kind of mundane. We've been together a very long time and I can't make a list of five things she does for fun. I'm sure that I have a different perspective but she just doesn't seem overly interested in doing anything. I don't believe this is driven through depression because she seems entirely content and happy in that way. She has a history of panic disorders but this had been very well under control for years. I would say if anything she was more engaged in other activities when that was a bigger issue in her life.

 

For a long while we were closer to roommates I feel. We were emotionally intimate and physically up to a point (more the cuddling and all) but not far off from being very very good friends. Historically and now I still do everything I can to lessen any stressors for her (cooking cleaning now taking care of our daughter handling finances etc.). I can really not think of many household responsibilities she takes full ownership of. One reason for that being she doesn't handle the slightest bit of stress very well. For example my cleaning attempts usually result in her stressing and redoing what I did until the point when she became pregnant and we opted to pay a cleaning service. I am very confident she respects me. For a long while I don't believe she appreciated all that I did but given our issues and my current distance I think she is more now that I have been more distant.

 

Re. our daughter she has definitely been a top priority but we both have family around and have taken advantage of that to spend time together and do things just the two us. Unfortunately much of the time we do it's the same story as before where it's kind of a boring or mundane interaction between us.

 

I do agree that I did earlier on feel trapped in the relationship. Obviously a big change to add a child and I think that for whatever reason it really set my mind going. It's hard to tell as I'm looking at things in my current state of mind but even in the past I can look back with my current perspective and see many areas that I wish we had assessed earlier. You are absolutely right that I am not very committed. I feel as though I spent so much effort throughout our relationship trying to do whatever I could to be the best for her while many of my wants/needs went unaddressed (at least under addressed). For whatever reason I never stopped to really make a point of seeing to what I wanted. I was complacent or whatever and have some frustration toward myself for bringing up my needs and letting it slide away without a real change. While we did discuss this I never pushed for what I needed as much as I hope now.

 

My parents were going through a divorce in the early stages of our relationship which I don't think impacted me but I haven't ruled out wanting to keep that stability intact with her regardless of whether or not I was entirely satisfied at the time. Very hard to go back over ten years and remember what was going on in my head. I also think there is definitely some codependent behavior going on perhaps due to how we've been together most of our adult lives. My counselor has stated, and I agree, that regardless of the outcome I'm going to have regrets and I agree. But minimizing those and having as much confidence in what happens in the end is where I am trying to get.

 

I definitely will take these thoughts to my appointment later this week. Thanks again

[beach]

I'm left wondering how fair it is to your wife to stay with her when your hearts just not in it...?

 

IF you divorce - you can still be friends and work as a team to parent together if you handle separating your lives well - and if she doesn't freak out at the thought of divorce.

 

This may mean you divorce but really don't date anyone for a long while - are you ok doing that while she adjusts to the idea that you're no longer married?

 

Have you thought about logistics... Where you would move to and how often you might see your child?

[rpal12]

I'm left wondering how fair it is to your wife to stay with her when your hearts just not in it...?

 

IF you divorce - you can still be friends and work as a team to parent together if you handle separating your lives well - and if she doesn't freak out at the thought of divorce.

 

This may mean you divorce but really don't date anyone for a long while - are you ok doing that while she adjusts to the idea that you're no longer married?

 

Have you thought about logistics... Where you would move to and how often you might see your child?

 

I see what you are saying and I really want to be back to where I was for the longest time with us but so far nothing has helped me get there. I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to change that but it's very hard. It sounds kind of odd but I just wish I had those same feelings back but many of them just aren't there.

 

If we weren't together I would definitely not rush into anything. Seeing as how my entire adult life has been with her I wouldn't want to move too quickly or not spend enough time to get my stuff together. I admittedly need work and to be sure that I'm the version of myself I want to be regardless of if we work out or not.

 

Logistics have crossed my mind. I would definitely stay close and would want split custody. She is young enough that I don't see any downsides to that and I think it could work. At a school age it would be a different story to have consistency there but that is still years down the road. I know it would be a joint discussion if it came to that but i absolutely don't want to be the every other weekend dad.

[idoltree]

Rpal, the more that you write, the more I think that you seem weary and done.

 

This is a hard situation, because you have a baby together, and I'm certain that if she knew you were unhappy enough to consider leaving, she wouldn't have wanted to tie herself to you like that. I have to wonder what it is that you were thinking bringing a child into this relationship. Were you that out of touch with how you felt? Did you think a child would improve things? Did she really want a baby and you went on autopilot and prioritized her needs above your own? I'm just trying to understand how that could have happened, and now you're ready to walk out when the child is six months old.

 

I am glad you are in counseling because it seems you've either been in denial or purposefully out of touch with yourself. It's odd that you describe sacrificing to make your wife happy, and you've been going through the motions. Not to get Freudian, but did you perhaps have some issues with your mother when you were a child? Guys who act like you usually had controlling mothers who didn't meet their needs, and so they seek out women who treat them like their mothers and proceed to deny their own needs and endure. And you've done a great deal of ignoring your needs and enduring, so I'm wondering if that's a part of it.

 

Keep talking to your counselor and see if you can figure out if the problem is really within you or with the relationship itself. The stakes are high.

 

Something to consider is a trial separation and living separately. Being apart from her may help you sort out how you're feeling and whether it's possible to salvage the relationship. You'd have to be very careful so that she didn't get false hope that it wasn't "real", but you also don't want to devastate her prematurely if there's a chance you may want to come back.

 

And, as someone who was with a divorced man with children, please know that the transition to co-parenting effectively isn't always as smooth as one thinks. Many an appearing reasonable ex-partner goes apesh*t when a new partner is introduced, mostly because the co-parents have not truly ended the former relationship and are still treating one another with the benefits they enjoyed as partners.

 

For example, my ex still listened to his ex's diatribes, emotions and guilt trips, as he did in marriage, because it was easier than her getting hysterically hostile. As a result, she assumed she'd always be first in his life. Then I came along and all hell broke loose. She wanted to blame it on me "controlling" my (now) ex, but really it was about her finally experiencing the loss of the partnership. She hated me and blamed me, because all she knew was that things had changed when I arrived. She was hostile to me and kept trying to assert dominance by causing problems with the kids so she had more time with my now ex. It was embarrassing for her, truly, and it was pretty sh*tty thing to do to the kids. And I had no issues with her, and it placed unbearable pressure on our relationship. His ex was a more unbalanced personality, but this can happen with reasonable exes as well, and then it will eventually settle down.

 

The thing you and my ex had in common were that you always put her feelings and needs above your own. You sacrificed, you endured. So you are likely to endure whatever your wife wants co-parenting to look like for the sake of maintaining peace. But if you want a happy peaceful life apart from her, and you want the ability to stay with a new girl with whom you are sexually compatible, put down your limits and stick to them. Stop sacrificing for her and stop enduring for her. Learn to say "no". That's been part of your problem from the beginning and one of the reasons for the demise of the relationship. Had you stood up for yourself from the start, your needs might have been considered important. Instead, only her needs were.

 

But please remember that if you split permanently, boundaries are so incredibly important. I find that in cases like yours, where exes grew apart and hadn't had romantic ties in years, are perhaps the worst when it comes to this. Both partners think nothing will have to change aside from living separately, dating new people and parenting the child(ren). But everything has to change. The foundation from which you operate must change. Maintaining emotional ties to one another will blow up in your face the moment one or both of you moves on romantically. So it is best to start with solid boundaries and shift to just business interactions. Experience the pain of loss, and the natural fears about parenting on your own, and then you might be able to eventually transition to having a co-parenting interaction that is more like friendship, new partners included.

 

Hope that wasn't too much information. Obviously it's an interest of mine, and I just wanted to let you know what may be down the pipeline. Maybe you will choose to stay and it will never be an issue.

[rpal12]

Thank you again. I have had similar thoughts but the idea of splitting if even from a logistical perspective seems very complicated and daunting. But I think you are right that I am a person the endures. I have put up with many parts of our relationship that weren't satisfying and refused to speak up and force the issue. I think the most likely explanation is that I was on some level of autopilot and thought having a child was the "next step" rather than truly determining if it was exactly what I wanted (although I wouldn't trade her for the world).

 

Regarding my mother we didn't really have any issues. That being said she can drive me nuts now and we don't have the best relationship (see her often but feels more like a chore than anything especially when compared to my relationship with my dad. I have said in the last few weeks that I see many similarities between my mom and wife.

 

Completely see your point if we do separate that I'm not entirely sure how that would work out. I imagine it would be quite difficult to put the relationship in the right spot wrath the change and what you said about your old ex.

 

You are absolutely right though regarding the stakes. I want to be as sure as possible before I make any life altering decisions that I can commit to either decision with absolute certainty. I don't want to decide to stay and then find myself feeling like this again in a few years. I want to know that I can make as permanent of a decision as is possible. Thank you again.

[beach]

Thank you again. I have had similar thoughts but the idea of splitting if even from a logistical perspective seems very complicated and daunting. But I think you are right that I am a person the endures. I have put up with many parts of our relationship that weren't satisfying and refused to speak up and force the issue. I think the most likely explanation is that I was on some level of autopilot and thought having a child was the "next step" rather than truly determining if it was exactly what I wanted (although I wouldn't trade her for the world).

 

Regarding my mother we didn't really have any issues. That being said she can drive me nuts now and we don't have the best relationship (see her often but feels more like a chore than anything especially when compared to my relationship with my dad. I have said in the last few weeks that I see many similarities between my mom and wife.

 

Completely see your point if we do separate that I'm not entirely sure how that would work out. I imagine it would be quite difficult to put the relationship in the right spot wrath the change and what you said about your old ex.

 

You are absolutely right though regarding the stakes. I want to be as sure as possible before I make any life altering decisions that I can commit to either decision with absolute certainty. I don't want to decide to stay and then find myself feeling like this again in a few years. I want to know that I can make as permanent of a decision as is possible. Thank you again.

 

Why don't you try this a new way for a while to see how it goes?

 

Start speaking up! Have a voice and speak your truth to your wife.

 

When you are dissatisfied - say so! Provide a solution.

 

Start communicating effectively. Tell her what you want and need from her - she's not a mind reader.

 

Either she will want to or she won't - then you will have your answer as to whether or not this can change.

[LifeNomad]

I would like to throw in my 2 cents, I have 3 kids, and at the age yours is I know everything seemed so much stressful and sometimes even frustrating with my ex at the time. The baby just wants to be carried, needs to be fed, taking turns, waking up in the middle of the night, etc.

 

 

If its your first child everything is new and you might not even have a system in place (taking turns, you do this do do that etc)

 

 

It takes a toll on both parents but it gets easier as the baby gets older and a little more independent and does things on his/her own.

[torn11]

Just wanted to say that I can really relate to your post. I don't have any answers for you but hope you find peace in whatever decision you reach. It's a tough road, and when you're thoughtful and introspective, as it clearly sounds like you are, there can be so much confusion in the process.

 

All the best to you!

[beach]

Just wondering - is there anyone outside your marriage that's distracting/tempting you?