Jclements00 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Ok so my wife and I of 3 years are separating. She wants it not me, she's unhappy and we just don't get along good. I do love her a lot and don't want to end it but I'm looking at the positives here. Now she may want to date soon as we're seperated and I know it'll kill me to see that. How do I deal with her being with another man? With another man touching her making love to her especially when I fear he'll be larger in the downstairs department and she'll enjoy it so much? I don't need this driving me crazy but I think about it a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Goodguy Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Bro, Looks like I will be in the same situation soon. My strategy is to quickly find 8-10 new friends mostly women just to be around an enjoy their company. No taking but giving help to them as much as possible. This is probably not the best strategy but at least it will keep your mind occupied. And as far as the downstairs department don't get caught up in that mind game. For a lot of women out there what you have is perfect. And it may be a longshot but if you still want to try and work on it during the seperation pull up the 40 days to fireproof you marriage. I found it a little to late but it may give you a shot to save it. Best of luck my friend and you are going to be fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 I think Mr. Goodguy made some good points. Unfortunately there isn't a tried and true remedy that will completely protect you from this kind of emotional upheaval particularly since you didn't ask for the separation. In all honesty, the only thing you can do is keep yourself busy. And I'm not talking about sex or embarking on some kind of sexapade with anonymous strangers. I'm talking about taking part in life, surrounding yourself with people who love and care about you, pulling your friends and family closer, get more involved in community activities and events, volunteer, take up a new hobby or ramp up one that you didn't have time for while you were married, etc., You get the picture. Staying busy keeps your mind occupied and in a positive head space which is really important right now. This process of separating needs to happen if only for HER sake. She's made up her mind and wants time apart and there isn't a whole lot you can doright now to change that. Hopefully with enough time and space she'll realize what she had with you and want to work things out later. In the meantime YOU need to use this time wisely. I also agree with Mr. Goodguy about NOT dwelling on the size department. Geez Louise, why are men so obsessed with size?! Seriously, unless she's made it abundantly clear that your penis was not good enough or big enough STOP OVER THINKING! It is absolutely pointless (and probably unwarranted) and will not only drive you crazy but may even f*ck with you in a way that might compromise any kind of reconciliation with your wife in the future. As for Mr. Goodguy's recommendation of the movie "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron, I've seen it (a little too late for me as well) and think it's worth watching if only to inspire you. It's a Christian movie with a fair bit of biblical references but even if you're not a card-carrying, bible-thumping Christian, I think you can still get something out of it. Welcome To FireproofTheMovie.com - DVD IN STORES NOW! Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 It's definitely over for her I'm moving out in a month or so and she made it clear today she won't date or mess around for a while cause she don't want to repeat what we went thru. I talked to her about how I feel she told me I'd date find someone great in bed and move on. I'm more happy to leave now than I was last week or the week before cause everything I try to get her to stay won't work she just doesn't care and won't get along with me. I'll get over the sex thing in time it's just on my mind a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 not to burst your bubble but don't listen to anything she says I mean she could already be sleeping with someone she just gonna say stuff to calm you down. what you gotta do is whatever the worse scenario you can think of whether its her sleeping around or whatever just prepare yourself for it and maybe even start living as if it happened. I felt like you did and I did the ol "expect the worse and hope for the best" scenario, so I moved on, finally let her go, finally I stopped begging, and let everything go, just go with the flow, go with life, change yourself, look better, dress better, smell better, exercise, no more drinking. You need to take control of the situation, she wants out, let her out. Don't try to beg and plead or negotiate, all of us who have done that have regretted it. If she wants to come back she will. Meet new people, talk to women at grocery store or wherever, be someone different. And don't feel guilty for going out or dating. You guys are over. shes over. shes a memory good luck. I know it hurts but you can get thru it. we all have. ps my wife was 13 yrs. just sayin, it can be done just be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 Oh I know it can be done we only been together three years. And I'm sure she's not sleeping with anyone else she works till late a lot then goes home and sleeps plus she knows it can backfire in the divorce cause she's wanting to be civil about it. I already work out never was a big drinker and now it's hi and the occasional text about stuff that's it. We know we're not good for each other and are keeping the peace and some bit of distance until I can afford to move out in a month. She's more worried that I won't pay the rent where we are now and won't give her half of my income taxes that I'm waiting for to be put in my bank account. I claimed two of her kids and her cause last year she didn't work just got child support so she's worried I'll screw her over but I wouldn't unless she does something stupid. And she's worried I won't sign divorce papers. Who knows by then but I should be over her for sure and ready to sign them. Link to post Share on other sites
chew123 Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Jclements, My wife told me to date also. I believe they just say that to make themselves feel better. When my wife told me about the affair she told me I should date also. It sounds to me like she probably has someone else but that does not really matter. If its over its over and she will find someone sooner or later. So will you. At first it really bugged me thinking of my wife with the other man. Its been 5 months, still bugs me but hardly at all. She is gone so what is the difference. And I have started casually dating someone. My divorce will be final in a couple weeks so I figure why not. Interesting enough my wife bugs me wanting to know who I am seeing whenever I have contact with her. I tell her none of your business you left. I don't ask her who the OM is. I do wonder why she cares though. I like to think it is because she is jealous, but I suspect it is because if I am happy with someone else it will sooth the guilt she feels for the affair and the abrupt end of our 35 years together. It will get easier but it does take some time. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 If she does want to reconcile, why are you still living there? Is it financial? When the time comes, sign the papers. Don't base it on whether or not,you are "over her". Base it on the agreement worked out by lawyers. Don't extend a marriage just because you are not "over her" or ready for her to have sex elsewhere. Am I confusing you with someone else, or is your wife the possibly bi-polar woman who breastfeeds the five or six-year old? If I am wrong...I am sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Hate to point out but odds have shown that when a wife wants to separate it is because she has your replacement lined up. WW's will say things to get you to not put up a fight and let her divorce you without a fuss. All because she is already banging her OM. A WW works late? Many an OM is a co-worker. She meets up with the OM daily and she uses the I have to work late excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 4, 2015 Author Share Posted March 4, 2015 No I'm not that guy with that wife you're thinking of. My wife works at a local Walgreens which closes at 10 and when she closes she's home soon after so I know she's not messing around with anyone. It's not about that, she's been unhappy for a long time cause over the past two years I haven't given her the attention I should have. That's cause she would drink often and it'd give her a horrible attitude that I backed away from. She hardly drinks at all now cause of work but we just never really clicked on that strong emotional level and I'm not a big talker as is and never really talked to my wife about everyday things though I should have. We both made mistakes and now that she thinks she can support herself and three kids off child support and the little she makes from work she decided she wants to be happy and move on. I was starting to really miss her being around all the time when she started working and was trying to spend time with her and be a better husband but she insists its too late. I did all I could to fix it but she won't accept it so after a week or two of being full of depression and sadness I got to where I accept its over and am looking forward to my own place that's clean all the time since she was horrible at cleaning anything and being able to have my own things and live without the aggravation of the past three years. I do think it's reconcilable and I love her but I can only do so much. I just don't have the money right now to move out and still have past rent where I'm at now to finish paying. When income taxes arrive in a month I'll get out, until then we kinda do our own thing and just say hi and bye pretty much. We want to keep this civil no reason to be mad or argue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jclements00 Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 She talks to my brother in law on facebook he's just trying to be helpful and she tells him I'm in turmoil that I try to work it out then hate her and that I need to understand she's done. Oh I understand alright and I can't wait to move out and have a clean place and have that aggravation out of my life. She has serious problems when her own kids ask me where mommy is and all I can say is somewhere not worried about you. She hasn't been home at least in the last six hours I been home from work. Her kids have to do homework fix supper and go to bed without a mom cause she's hanging with a friend. That's just sad that on her day off she can't spend any time with her own kids when she says she's focusing on them. Hypocrite! Link to post Share on other sites
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