Separated, not sure what's next?

[LenaD]

Hi everyone,

 

I stumbled across this site while searching for some help with my situation. It took me a bit to get up my nerve but I thought I would share my story in hopes of gathering some insight.

 

3 weeks ago I left a verbally and mentally abusive situation with my two young children (5 and 7).

 

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 8 1/2 years. As we settled into our marriage early on it became apparent that my husband was a man that was quick to anger and when he was mad he was mean. While I was shocked by the things he would say to me when he was mad, the outbursts were few and far between (1, maybe 2 a year) and the times between were still good.

 

Fast forward a few years and two children later. His outbursts were becoming more frequent. I often attributed them to the stress of young children (lack of sleep, money is tighter, etc.). He would have no problem yelling and saying horrible things to me in front of the children. Yelling was also his main form of discipline with the children and he was easily frustrated by normal, everyday kid stuff.*

 

Going further forward to this past year, he was diagnosed with a spinal condition that was causing chronic pain that he can't seem to get under control. He was told to stop working and basically camped out in his "man cave" in the basement. He developed depression. The outbursts were becoming almost constant and more vicious. He would discipline the children by belittling and bullying them. He would constantly yell and swear at them. Again, it was nothing for him to say horrible things to me in front of the children as well. We were all constantly walking around on eggshells, afraid to set him off. I had spoken to him many times between outbursts and it was always the same excuse ("I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain..."). After one particularly bad outburst on New Years eve where the children and I ended up going to a gathering without him, I said to him that if something didn't change he would one day find himself alone with nobody to blame but himself.

 

3 weeks ago, I reached my breaking point. He was having another outburst because our oldest wouldn't put on a certain shirt. He was screaming in his face and yelling obscenities at him. I stepped in and my husband got even angrier. In front of the children he called me a f**king worthless loser that he couldn't stand. Something just clicked and I thought to myself, enough.

 

I left with the children that day. I went to my parents and told them everything that I had been hiding from them for so long. My husband and I communicated through text messages. I let him know that something had to change, he needed help. Initially I wasn't giving up on him or our marriage, I wanted to support him through the process.*

 

The first week he said for us to come back to the house and he would stay at his parents. That way the children would be minimally disrupted. *Later that week he asked if he could come back to stay at the house as his parents were having company and there would be no room for him. I agreed and took the children to my parents for the weekend. Once he was back in our house, he let me know that he would not be leaving. It was "his" house. The children and I were welcome back but he wasn't going anywhere. I was not going to return to a situation that had not changed so the children and I moved in with my parents and have been here the last two weeks. *

 

Since then, my husband seems to be going through a range of moods/emotions. He's angry, blaming everything on me, sad, sorry, manipulative, threatened suicide and then back to viciously angry. Sometimes this can happen over the course of a single conversation.*

 

To date, he still remains that I am over-reacting and it's my fault that our family is split. He has gone for one counseling session and feels that is enough to show he is willing to change and we should just come home. He refuses to leave the house despite the fact our children are completely up-rooted and confused as to why they can't be home. My parents have been amazing and are willing to help us out any way they can but it's been so hard being here. We live one town away so I have been driving over two hours a day to bring the kids to school, go back to work, etc, etc.*

 

I think I feel confused for so many reasons. At the beginning I felt like I wanted to work together to fix this. Now I'm not so sure. My husband has been so awful these last 3 weeks. His behavior is not exactly inspiring me to want to save our marriage but then I feel guilty when I think about giving up on us. *I also feel guilty that he is going through a health concerns and I've left. While I understand everything he is going through right now, I refuse to believe it is an acceptable excuse to treat us the way he has been. I also realize this behavior was happening before he had the excuse of his health to blame it on. He has been starting to send me text messages asking us to come home and he will give 200% to fix things but those texts are sandwiched between angry ones. I have yet to see any actions that show his willingness to work on things. *He's just all over the place.*

 

I know this is a repeated cycle. My husband's father is verbally abusive to his mother. I do not want this cycle to repeat with my children. I have already seen the effects his behavior has had on the children and I feel guilty that I didn't do something sooner.*

 

I am not naive to the work that would be involved to fix this. It would take time and a lot of therapy: anger and personal therapy for him, personal therapy for me, marriage counseling for us and family counseling for all of us. *Do I want to invest myself in all that? I don't know that I do right now. *On the flip side,*I am realistic to the stats, do people really change?*

 

I have made us of the resources in my community and spoken with counselors at the women's crisis centre in my area. I have also obtained legal advice. I feel pressured in so many ways to make a decision. Partly because the children and I are out of our home right now. With a separation agreement I can initiate the option to buy him out and take over the mortgage and ownership of our home so the children and I can go back. Every day that I'm struggling around our new circumstances, I feel more and more resentful that he is sitting in that house all day by himself. I feel he is being so selfish but at the same time I suspect it's a tactic to wear me down to return home.*

 

I am also struggling with feeling embarrassed. I am a well educated, strong and independent women who came from parents who set a wonderful example with their own marriage and yet I find myself in a situation I swore would never happen.*

 

I apologize for being so long winded. Despite the novel of babble there is still so much I haven't told. I guess I'm just looking for some insight from someone who may have been through a similar situation. I have been reading other posts and it seems there's a very supportive community here.

 

Thanks for listening!*

Lena

[LoveMyCat]

Hi everyone,

 

I stumbled across this site while searching for some help with my situation. It took me a bit to get up my nerve but I thought I would share my story in hopes of gathering some insight.

 

3 weeks ago I left a verbally and mentally abusive situation with my two young children (5 and 7).

 

My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 8 1/2 years. As we settled into our marriage early on it became apparent that my husband was a man that was quick to anger and when he was mad he was mean. While I was shocked by the things he would say to me when he was mad, the outbursts were few and far between (1, maybe 2 a year) and the times between were still good.

 

Fast forward a few years and two children later. His outbursts were becoming more frequent. I often attributed them to the stress of young children (lack of sleep, money is tighter, etc.). He would have no problem yelling and saying horrible things to me in front of the children. Yelling was also his main form of discipline with the children and he was easily frustrated by normal, everyday kid stuff.*

 

Going further forward to this past year, he was diagnosed with a spinal condition that was causing chronic pain that he can't seem to get under control. He was told to stop working and basically camped out in his "man cave" in the basement. He developed depression. The outbursts were becoming almost constant and more vicious. He would discipline the children by belittling and bullying them. He would constantly yell and swear at them. Again, it was nothing for him to say horrible things to me in front of the children as well. We were all constantly walking around on eggshells, afraid to set him off. I had spoken to him many times between outbursts and it was always the same excuse ("I'm so tired, I'm in so much pain..."). After one particularly bad outburst on New Years eve where the children and I ended up going to a gathering without him, I said to him that if something didn't change he would one day find himself alone with nobody to blame but himself.

 

3 weeks ago, I reached my breaking point. He was having another outburst because our oldest wouldn't put on a certain shirt. He was screaming in his face and yelling obscenities at him. I stepped in and my husband got even angrier. In front of the children he called me a f**king worthless loser that he couldn't stand. Something just clicked and I thought to myself, enough.

 

I left with the children that day. I went to my parents and told them everything that I had been hiding from them for so long. My husband and I communicated through text messages. I let him know that something had to change, he needed help. Initially I wasn't giving up on him or our marriage, I wanted to support him through the process.*

 

The first week he said for us to come back to the house and he would stay at his parents. That way the children would be minimally disrupted. *Later that week he asked if he could come back to stay at the house as his parents were having company and there would be no room for him. I agreed and took the children to my parents for the weekend. Once he was back in our house, he let me know that he would not be leaving. It was "his" house. The children and I were welcome back but he wasn't going anywhere. I was not going to return to a situation that had not changed so the children and I moved in with my parents and have been here the last two weeks. *

 

Since then, my husband seems to be going through a range of moods/emotions. He's angry, blaming everything on me, sad, sorry, manipulative, threatened suicide and then back to viciously angry. Sometimes this can happen over the course of a single conversation.*

 

To date, he still remains that I am over-reacting and it's my fault that our family is split. He has gone for one counseling session and feels that is enough to show he is willing to change and we should just come home. He refuses to leave the house despite the fact our children are completely up-rooted and confused as to why they can't be home. My parents have been amazing and are willing to help us out any way they can but it's been so hard being here. We live one town away so I have been driving over two hours a day to bring the kids to school, go back to work, etc, etc.*

 

I think I feel confused for so many reasons. At the beginning I felt like I wanted to work together to fix this. Now I'm not so sure. My husband has been so awful these last 3 weeks. His behavior is not exactly inspiring me to want to save our marriage but then I feel guilty when I think about giving up on us. *I also feel guilty that he is going through a health concerns and I've left. While I understand everything he is going through right now, I refuse to believe it is an acceptable excuse to treat us the way he has been. I also realize this behavior was happening before he had the excuse of his health to blame it on. He has been starting to send me text messages asking us to come home and he will give 200% to fix things but those texts are sandwiched between angry ones. I have yet to see any actions that show his willingness to work on things. *He's just all over the place.*

 

I know this is a repeated cycle. My husband's father is verbally abusive to his mother. I do not want this cycle to repeat with my children. I have already seen the effects his behavior has had on the children and I feel guilty that I didn't do something sooner.*

 

I am not naive to the work that would be involved to fix this. It would take time and a lot of therapy: anger and personal therapy for him, personal therapy for me, marriage counseling for us and family counseling for all of us. *Do I want to invest myself in all that? I don't know that I do right now. *On the flip side,*I am realistic to the stats, do people really change?*

 

I have made us of the resources in my community and spoken with counselors at the women's crisis centre in my area. I have also obtained legal advice. I feel pressured in so many ways to make a decision. Partly because the children and I are out of our home right now. With a separation agreement I can initiate the option to buy him out and take over the mortgage and ownership of our home so the children and I can go back. Every day that I'm struggling around our new circumstances, I feel more and more resentful that he is sitting in that house all day by himself. I feel he is being so selfish but at the same time I suspect it's a tactic to wear me down to return home.*

 

I am also struggling with feeling embarrassed. I am a well educated, strong and independent women who came from parents who set a wonderful example with their own marriage and yet I find myself in a situation I swore would never happen.*

 

I apologize for being so long winded. Despite the novel of babble there is still so much I haven't told. I guess I'm just looking for some insight from someone who may have been through a similar situation. I have been reading other posts and it seems there's a very supportive community here.

 

Thanks for listening!*

Lena

 

You shouldn't raise your children in such a hostile environment, and you obviously know that. When my husband and I separated, he too was/is depressed and having health issues and I excused it for a long time, even though I have chronic pain myself and it does not make me mean and foul-tempered. Only after I moved out in December did I realize the eggshells I had been walking on for years. Even stomach issues have disappeared, which had been really bad. I can only imagine how the kids feel, wondering when the next explosion will be.

 

He played a rotten trick to get back into the house, but I think a judge would award the home to the custodial parent, which is clearly you. Or as you say, you may want to buy him out and start fresh in a new home with your kids. But getting out/away is important if he is going to be the way he is, and I don't think people can truly change the types of behavior you describe,since he had the angry outbursts long before the back injury.

 

You may still want to consider family counseling and see where it takes you but I don't think you should continue living with him and his rages in the meantime, if you have options. Good luck.

[KBarletta]

I am not naive to the work that would be involved to fix this. It would take time and a lot of therapy: anger and personal therapy for him, personal therapy for me, marriage counseling for us and family counseling for all of us. *Do I want to invest myself in all that? I don't know that I do right now. *On the flip side,*I am realistic to the stats, do people really change?*

 

 

You are farther along than most in your situation, in that you know the full reality of the situation, and the amount of dedication and work that will be involved in fixing it. Is it worth it to you to try?

 

And of course, you can't fix it yourself - he needs to be 100 percent committed to changing and working, too, or it will be hopeless and you would simply need to move on. It doesn't sound like he's there yet. One counseling session isn't going to change anything - he needs to make a full commitment to working on his issues seriously or I would suggest you move on and seek a divorce.

 

He may just need time to come around to realizing the reality of what is facing him and his relationship with his family if he DOESN'T change. If it is worth it to you to stick this out (a big IF given how much disrespect he seems to have shown you and your children).

 

If you decide you want to try, then you need to be completely honest with him about what it is going to take for him to save his family, and then he has to commit to it 100 percent. Otherwise, I'd advise you to talk to a lawyer and get the paperwork in order to file for divorce.

[LenaD]

Thanks. I am most definitely not going to return to the situation. My top priority is my children right now. I have arranged some counseling for them as well to help cope through this transition and what they witnessed and went through.

 

For now I'm trying to keep what I tell them as simple as possible. I don't want to paint their dad as a bad guy. I've explained that Daddy is sick and needing to get help for the bad way he has been acting and we need time away to let him do that.

 

It's hard because I feel like our priority right now should be the children and I feel that my husband is only thinking of himself and his needs as well as how to make things difficult for me. How can he not realize that in trying to be hurtful to me, it's hurting the children too.

 

I knew this would be hard but damn, this is hard!

[Mr. Lucky]

He has been starting to send me text messages asking us to come home and he will give 200% to fix things but those texts are sandwiched between angry ones.

 

Tell him this - you'll come home and work on the the marriage but, as a sign of his "200%" commitment, he has to move out. While separated, you'll attend MC with him to see if there's anything to salvage. If he tries to move back in before you're ready, you'll file for divorce immediately.

 

If he says "no" to the above, file and move on with your life...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LoveMyCat]

Thanks. I am most definitely not going to return to the situation. My top priority is my children right now. I have arranged some counseling for them as well to help cope through this transition and what they witnessed and went through.

 

For now I'm trying to keep what I tell them as simple as possible. I don't want to paint their dad as a bad guy. I've explained that Daddy is sick and needing to get help for the bad way he has been acting and we need time away to let him do that.

 

It's hard because I feel like our priority right now should be the children and I feel that my husband is only thinking of himself and his needs as well as how to make things difficult for me. How can he not realize that in trying to be hurtful to me, it's hurting the children too.

 

I knew this would be hard but damn, this is hard!

 

Sounds like he needs anger management classes as well as tradional marriage and family counseling. And few men are willing to "make themselves over" to that great of a degree and committment, even if it were possible. I am not convinced that people can change all that much for the long haul. Especially since his unkindness toward you began before his health issue. That to me means that is just how he is and how he responds to frustrations that are a part of everyday life, with kids even more so.

 

My estranged husband, who has many mental and physical issues of late, as well as severe sleep issues (no sleep, rather) had become increasingly short-tempered and was always in a foul mood. His first movements of the day involved slamming drawers, etc just to make sure I knew that something I did (coughed, breathed too loud) awoke him. (His shift is graveyard, which is a marriage-killer, in my opinion). Or maybe the cat (no kids, thankfully) made too much noise in his litter box. He would not sleep in the bedroom so since he was parked in the main den, open to the kitchen, I could not make coffee, feed the cat or leave the house until he woke "naturally". It was insane. Otherwise he did not speak a word to me until he left for work, at which time he would say "will you be home tonight?" Knowing perfectly well I was home every single night, living in severe pain and barely able to drive anyway.

 

I live alone now (with noisy cat, lol) and though I sometimes go a whole day without speaking to another adult, I realized that was happening even when I lived with him. I am so much more relaxed now...you will be too, in spite of the added stresses of getting your kids settled, financial issues, etc...at least you won't be yelled at suddenly, or insulted. Sorry to hijack thread...

[LenaD]

No worries, it wasn't hijacking. Hearing about other's experiences is helpful and very much appreciated. Thank you for sharing!

[Downtown]

Early on it became apparent that my husband was a man that was quick to anger and when he was mad he was mean.

Lena, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., always being "The Victim," strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, impulsive, lack of empathy, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your H. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are fully capable of spotting the red flags for BPD if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for.

 

We were all constantly walking around on eggshells.

If your H is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), this is exactly how you would be feeling while living with him. That's why Stop Walking on Eggshells is the name of the best-selling BPD book that is targeted to the abused spouses and other family members.

 

I also realize this behavior was happening before he had the excuse of his health to blame it on.

If you determine that he is exhibiting strong BPD traits, an important issue is how long this has been going on. You seem to indicate that his anger issues were apparent, but much less frequent, at the beginning of your relationship.

 

I note that BPD is a "spectrum disorder," which means every adult on the planet exhibits BPD traits to some degree -- and to varying degrees at various stages of life. During early childhood, for example, we all behave like BPDers 24/7. And many of us start behaving that way again, for several years, when our hormones are raging during our teens. The "flareups" of BPD traits to strong levels can occur again -- for a year or two -- whenever there is a strong hormone change, as can occur during pregnancy, postpartum, perimenopause, or with a severe head injury.

 

When strong BPD traits are a persistent personality problem, however, they do not disappear for years at a time. Instead, they typically start showing themselves very strongly at puberty and will entirely disappear only during the intense infatuation period, which typically lasts 4 to 6 months. The traits disappear during that courtship period because the BPDer's infatuation convinces him that he has met the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to save him from unhappiness. In this way, the infatuation holds his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Of course, those fears quickly return when the infatuation start evaporating -- at which time his partner will start triggering those fears and seeing the resulting anger.

 

He's angry, blaming everything on me, sad, sorry, manipulative, threatened suicide and then back to viciously angry. Sometimes this can happen over the course of a single conversation.

If your H is a BPDer, he carries an enormous amount of anger deep inside from his early childhood. You therefore don't have to say or do anything to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a release of the anger that is always there. This is one reason why BPDers can flip, in only ten seconds, from adoring you to devaluing (even hating) you. As to his blaming everything on you, that is to be expected if he is a BPDer because BPDers typically are convinced they are "The Victim," always "The Victim."

 

I know this is a repeated cycle. My husband's father is verbally abusive to his mother.

BPD is believed to be passed down from one generation to another through genetics and/or early childhood environment (i.e., an invalidating environment caused by abuse or abandonment or an emotionally unavailable parent).

 

I am realistic to the stats, do people really change?

If he really is exhibiting strong BPD traits, the chances of him improving are far greater if you are seeing only a temporary flareup. If you are seeing a persistent issue that began in his teens, however, the chances of a substantial improvement are much diminished -- even rare, actually. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the children are dealing with.

 

I further suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you take a quick look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. I suspect you will find most of those signs to sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of these warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Lena.

[sandylee1]

I'm glad you are not taking the children back into that environment. It's just toxic. Well done for getting counselling for them as well. You don't want their childhood memories being dad shouting and making them feel worthless.

 

Mr. Lucky gives good advice here. Lay down your conditions for trying to work it out and he leaves the house.

 

Keep posting as there is a lot of good advice on here.

[MJJean]

My father behaved the way your husband does. My adult siblings are exactly the same way and I was in a very toxic marriage that included verbal viciousness and occasionally physical violence on both sides.

 

I divorced my ex and he has remarried. I have no contact with him, but my oldest daughter is now an adult and she has contact with him through her grandparents. He is remarried and doing the exact same things he was doing 15 years ago with me. His kids with his new wife are showing signs that something is not right to the point where his 7 year old is in counseling mandated by the school and CPS (Child Protective Services). I am thankful I got my kids out when they were 6 and 1 year olds. It could have been so much worse for them. I feel so sorry for his new wife and those babies. I wish she would take her kids and leave. But she won't because they "lurv" each other. Poor woman. Poor kids.

 

If I were you, I'd file. Protect your kids from the emotional abuse. Don't let the grow up thinking this is somehow normal or acceptable. Don't let them grow to repeat the cycle. Please.

Edited February 1, 2015 by MJJean

[LenaD]

Thank you everyone and thank you Downtown for all the information. A lot of what you're saying really resonates with me. Especially the Jekyll and Hyde scenario, that is pretty spot on with my situation. I looked at the links you attached. Thank you!

 

I'm trying very hard to keep my emotions out of the decision making process. It's hard, I find myself thinking of the good times we had but they are not enough to even come close to balancing the bad.

[LenaD]

I got a text message today from him asking me if I had given any thought to coming home. Its as if he doesn't remember that 3 days ago he was texting me condescending messages about how I let the children do whatever they want a whine all day so someone had to discipline them (?!).

 

I told him that I think about our situation all the time but I don't feel like anything has changed. He's only been to two counseling sessions on his own and we haven't even talked about marriage counseling. I'm still with the children at my parents house while he sits in our home all by himself. Its as if he's forgotten everything that has happened. He sent back a "Really!!".

 

I'm in a place right now where my head knows what I need to do but I'm not emotionally ready yet to put the steps in play. I have the separation papers from my lawyer to start filling out but I can bring myself to start yet.

[Downtown]

He's only been to two counseling sessions on his own and we haven't even talked about marriage counseling.

If he has strong BPD traits, Lena, it is highly unlikely MC would be helpful until he's had a couple of years (at least) to work with an IC on his more serious underlying issues. Although MCs are skillful at teaching communication skills, a person exhibiting strong traits of a personality disorder has issues that go far beyond a simple lack of communication skills.

[LenaD]

I'm beginning to come to terms with things and starting to draft out a separation agreement for my lawyer. I think I just kept waiting for hubby to start acting like his non angry self and give me some hope that maybe there was a chance to work things out. In my head I knew the answer was separation/divorce but I needed to catch up emotionally before taking the step to initiate the legal separation.

 

It's just gotten worse. Today he told me he is going to do everything in his power to keep me from buying out the house so the children and I can move back. He is remembering things completely opposite of how they happened but then accusing me of lying. I just can't believe he's doing this to the children. Whatever he feels for me, fine. But start thinking about your children!!

[Satu]

 

It's just gotten worse. *Today he told me he is going to do everything in his power to keep me from buying out the house so the children and I can move back. He is remembering things completely opposite of how they happened but then accusing me of lying. I just can't believe he's doing this to the children. Whatever he feels for me, fine. But start thinking about your children!!

 

*This is the point at which you should cease direct communication with him.

[Downtown]

He is remembering things completely opposite of how they happened but then accusing me of lying.

Lena, if he has strong traits of BPD or narcissism, this behavior is exactly what you should expect. BPDers are notorious for "rewriting history." Granted, a part of this behavior likely is due to lies they tell to avoid feeling shamed. The vast majority of it, however, is due to the thought distortions created by their intense feelings. The result is that a BPDer usually will truly believe the outrageous accusations coming out of his mouth. And a week later, when he's saying the exact opposite, he likely will absolutely believe that as well.

 

While a BPDer is "splitting you black," his conscious mind will be in touch with his hostile feelings toward you and will be completely out of touch with his loving feelings. This is why a BPDer can, for a period of time, perceive of you as being as evil as Hitler -- and he will treat you accordingly. My BPDer exW, for example, periodically was convinced I was doing terrible things to hurt her feelings. All the rational discussion in the world would not make a dent in her perception of me because, to a BPDer, the intense feelings are self-evident "facts" you cannot dispute.

 

And then a week later -- when his feelings change -- his perception of you will change dramatically. Unlike other people, BPDers have only a very weak sense of "object constancy." That is, they are so unstable themselves that they do not realize other peoples' personalities and goals remain essentially stable from day to day and week to week.

[LenaD]

Downtown, everything you're saying makes so much sense. It's as if you're hearing our conversations.

 

Like Satu suggested, I'm not falling into the trap anymore (or going down the rabbit hole as my dad keeps calling it) . Text only communication from now on. And only minimally as needed. Though he has barely asked about the children so beyond that there's really no more need to communicate.

[Satu]

He's an adult, fully responsible for his own condition, and fully capable of taking care of himself.

 

You're doing the right thing in focussing on the children.

 

I admire your good sense.

[beach]

I'm beginning to come to terms with things and starting to draft out a separation agreement for my lawyer. I think I just kept waiting for hubby to start acting like his non angry self and give me some hope that maybe there was a chance to work things out. In my head I knew the answer was separation/divorce but I needed to catch up emotionally before taking the step to initiate the legal separation.

 

It's just gotten worse. Today he told me he is going to do everything in his power to keep me from buying out the house so the children and I can move back. He is remembering things completely opposite of how they happened but then accusing me of lying. I just can't believe he's doing this to the children. Whatever he feels for me, fine. But start thinking about your children!!

 

He's not capable of thinking of his kids - he has been screaming at them, remember?

 

And for that you need to protect them from him!

 

Make sure your court order never leaves him alone with them.

 

It's up to you to have courage and to be strong. Stay with your parents if needed - at least until things have settled down. Then find your own place and don't tell him where you live! Try to begin separating yourself from him as much as you possibly can. That includes NOT responding to his calls/texts. Those are just his opportunity to make you feel worse - just don't interact with him.

 

Take care of yourself and your kids. Start building a new life that eliminates any abuse.

 

State in the court papers how abusive he's been - don't sugar coat it - the judge needs to know how to protect your kids.

 

Ultimately what's next is filing the divorce papers.

Edited February 4, 2015 by beach

[LenaD]

Thanks everyone. Where I live you have to file separation papers first and be legally separated for one year before you can file for divorce. I started filling out the paperwork my lawyer gave me. It's time to stop having false hope.

[still_an_Angel]

Thanks. I am most definitely not going to return to the situation. My top priority is my children right now. I have arranged some counseling for them as well to help cope through this transition and what they witnessed and went through.

 

 

Yes, do this. My oldest child was the hardest hit when my stbxh left us, my son started counselling in 2011 and progressed to IC until last year. Each child is different as the others did not need the same intensity of help to cope. Children see the situation in a very different light, yes, even if they stood to witness what truly happened, its very difficult for a child to accept that your own parent behaved in a way that caused so much damage. In one of the blow-ups between my son and stbxh last year, he yelled at his dad "it wasn't my mum who left us! It was you! You left us and caused all this". We were both stumped when he said this because his counsellor had been working really hard with him last year to make him see that it was not MY fault that his father left. For many years, in his mind, it was ME who was at fault, and it took him some time to change and accept what really happened.

 

 

My point in all this, facts get distorted in a child's mind, they are not mature enough to look at things from a third perspective. As parents we try to shield them from the complexities of adult relationships but in cases like these, its the kids who are directly hit as the consequence of separation.

 

 

 

 

 

It's hard because I feel like our priority right now should be the children and I feel that my husband is only thinking of himself and his needs as well as how to make things difficult for me. How can he not realize that in trying to be hurtful to me, it's hurting the children too.

 

 

 

 

This is how its been for me for 4 years now (since we separated). Its always me who has to do everything to ensure the kids have what they need, like I'm the only parent (with no support from him). This is how it is for solo parents, all the difficulties with childcare, finances, medical, etc. is on you, because you are the responsible parent and the kids are in your care. The other parent get to live the life of singlehood with no worries if the kids at home have been fed or showered, or having enough money aside for extra expenses or emergencies. And yes, it also involves having to cover up for your H sometimes if he "forgets" that he promised to see them or buy stuff for them. All in the spirit of keeping the peace and no fighting in front of the kids or making derogatory remarks against the other parent to the kids.

 

 

This is going to be a long, hard road, I'm not trying to scare you or make you change your mind because it always seem easier to just go back home and try to make things work out (and because you really don't want to break the family apart). It took me about 4 years to get to the point where I feel confident to run this show on my own.

 

And yes, a long time too, for the kids to realize and accept the hurt that their dad can sometimes give them when he fails to deliver what he says.

 

 

 

I knew this would be hard but damn, this is hard!

 

 

 

Its a difficult situation to be in, but keep your focus and somehow, everything would fall into place, just keep working at it.

 

 

((hugs to you))

[Radu]

Downtown, everything you're saying makes so much sense. It's as if you're hearing our conversations.

 

Like Satu suggested, I'm not falling into the trap anymore (or going down the rabbit hole as my dad keeps calling it) . Text only communication from now on. And only minimally as needed. Though he has barely asked about the children so beyond that there's really no more need to communicate.

I think you should continue to communicate with him from now on ... and the reason is the fact that it's pis*ing you off.

You have seen the real him ... you have seen the effect he has on his kids ... you have learned the name of the disease he carries [which is contagious to your kids].

Even if he promised you the world and started delivering at this point i would like to doubt you would go back.

 

Keep in mind 2 more things :

- as ppl get older they become more entrenched in their views ... and abusers become even more abusive

- you want to protect the image of 'Daddy' in their heads ... and not speak ill of him.

But if you want those kids to end up well ... Daddy [as he is now] needs to be slain.

You should not do it with your words.

What you should do is continue down this path ... away from him; and find a good male rolemodel for the kids.

You said your parents had a good relationship ... let them see how he treats your mother.

Let them in the yrs to come see more of this behaviour in both them and others ... contrasted with the behaviour of your soon to be ex-husband.