ShannonBanana Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Hi All, I can't believe how much has changed since I first joined this group while being in the depths of despair. I was living in the UK when my STBX told me he wanted a divorce. I was sent home packing back to California (not a bad place to be) and he moved to Paris unbeknownst to me with his girlfriend. Now I live in SF, one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to and wake up every morning thanking my lucky stars that I get to make a life for myself here. The pain is behind me and it feels like clouds have parted leaving the bright blue sky to illuminate life again! I will be coming up on a year since I filed for a divorce. I had to do the filing because for some reason he took no initiative or follow through on his decision though he was adamant that he wanted it. It was really weird to be the one to initiate something I didn't even want but if he wanted a divorce there was no sense in staying married. But at the rate we are going for finalization we could be married the rest of our lives. I've had to practically drag him through each phase of the divorce process, sometimes even having to schedule court hearings to get him to comply which he would finally do at the last minute. Now we are at the last half of getting this done and he is not complying again with providing documentation to move this process through. I don't know what the outcome will be but he does stand to gain some money. Or he may stand to lose some. I'm not sure. But either way, I've been stunned by his lack of movement on the process he asked for. I don't talk to him (my choice) so I won't get his perspective as to the reason for his serious foot dragging but if anyone has some insight I would love to hear it. When he asked for the divorce he had absolutely no research on how or where to get it done nor had he spoken to a lawyer. For some reason he just wanted to not participate in the dissolution of our marriage. If anyone has had to prod their spouse along to finalization I would love to hear about that too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I was in the same boat as you in regards to the papers. My wife left (twice). The second time for good. For the last 2 years of my marriage she had been very about wanting a divorce. Long story short, I emailed her the papers she needed to sign. A couple of weeks later, she called saying she didn't have a functional printer. And that I needed to wait. I printed and mailed her the papers with a pre-paid next day air envelope inside to get them back ASAP. 1 Month after not getting anything back she called and said she couldn't sign the papers because she didn't know if she'd be able to do it mistake free. I re-sent her the papers with "post-its" writing down examples and suggestions on the things she needed to write in herself in every field. 1 Month later she still hasn't sent them. I ask what's going on and she says "Why do we need to get divorced right now?. Why can't this wait?" I explained that the window to get a hassle and nearly cost-free divorce was closing and that doing this later was most likely going to involve lawyers and a lot more money. Truth was, I felt so disrespected that my wife wanted to see if she could work things out with her xBF before she made a final decision on our marriage. But with her suffering from BPD I just cared about avoiding confrontation and getting this over with. 2 Weeks later I called and asked what the problem was. She said she hadn't had time to go to the post office. And that if I was in such a rush to get the papers, that I should go drive to her hometowm and get them myself. I tell her I'm going to go get them the next day. When I get to her house, she left a message that she was sorry but she had a date with her xBF. And I saw the papers signed and all copies of our divorce, including a 3rd copy she printed out on her "non-working" printer. What I learned: My wife wasn't procrastinating because she was having 2nd doubts. She just simple didn't care to take the time to do what had to be done, because it didn't change anything for her in any way. She was still screwing the xBF regardless of legal title. I made no difference to her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JonjMie Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Hi All, I can't believe how much has changed since I first joined this group while being in the depths of despair. I was living in the UK when my STBX told me he wanted a divorce. I was sent home packing back to California (not a bad place to be) and he moved to Paris unbeknownst to me with his girlfriend. Now I live in SF, one of the most beautiful cities I've ever been to and wake up every morning thanking my lucky stars that I get to make a life for myself here. The pain is behind me and it feels like clouds have parted leaving the bright blue sky to illuminate life again! I will be coming up on a year since I filed for a divorce. I had to do the filing because for some reason he took no initiative or follow through on his decision though he was adamant that he wanted it. It was really weird to be the one to initiate something I didn't even want but if he wanted a divorce there was no sense in staying married. But at the rate we are going for finalization we could be married the rest of our lives. I've had to practically drag him through each phase of the divorce process, sometimes even having to schedule court hearings to get him to comply which he would finally do at the last minute. Now we are at the last half of getting this done and he is not complying again with providing documentation to move this process through. I don't know what the outcome will be but he does stand to gain some money. Or he may stand to lose some. I'm not sure. But either way, I've been stunned by his lack of movement on the process he asked for. I don't talk to him (my choice) so I won't get his perspective as to the reason for his serious foot dragging but if anyone has some insight I would love to hear it. When he asked for the divorce he had absolutely no research on how or where to get it done nor had he spoken to a lawyer. For some reason he just wanted to not participate in the dissolution of our marriage. If anyone has had to prod their spouse along to finalization I would love to hear about that too. For me I just buried my head in the sand, typical guy, money was also a factor as I was skint. It took her to be getting married very shortly for it to be done and I just said, get them done and I will sign, its quite painful but not an issue when it happens. Do you have room for a single 47 year old tall, handsome chap in SF ??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
justaplottwist Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 Same. Exact. Thing. My lawyer was actually the one that was shocked at his passiveness....when he was the one demanded it. I wasn't shocked. I was the one who did the "heavy lifting" throughout the marriage.....It's just a "kick in the pants" to have to do this too when you don't want it. I'll be glad when it's said and done. Sorry you went through that...but glad to hear that things are better! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonBanana Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 What I learned: My wife wasn't procrastinating because she was having 2nd doubts. She just simple didn't care to take the time to do what had to be done, because it didn't change anything for her in any way. She was still screwing the xBF regardless of legal title. I made no difference to her. That is so sad! But the reality is that it's probably the case in my instance as well. If he cared so little for the marriage and his commitment to it, why would he care at all about the divorce when he's completely moved on with his life well before he informed me of his desire for the divorce. Sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Ralph79 Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I find it very admirable that you not only took charge of your divorce process but also got your life back on track after that. It speaks volumes of the type of person you are and the type of person he is. You are definitely better off. But I dont need to tell you that. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
DSP Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 What I learned: My wife wasn't procrastinating because she was having 2nd doubts. She just simple didn't care to take the time to do what had to be done, because it didn't change anything for her in any way. She was still screwing the xBF regardless of legal title. I made no difference to her. I don't want to hi jack your thread Shannonbannana, but I find this very very interesting. She never did any leg work from her first husband either. He was actually home on leave and gave me the papers for her to sign. Told me "Good Luck and have a nice life..." I did the same thing. I obtained the lawyer. I drew up the papers. I took them to her. She then got a lawyer. I had mine contact hers. She still wouldn't call her lawyer. I brought them to her to sign. I had them sent to her lawyer, my lawyer filed, etc...... on and on and on. She was the one who wanted out. She wasted her live with me and said she should have left me years ago. It was like she just wanted to walk away and start over. No regard for anything or anyone. I was to just disappear and she to carry on with her life like I never existed. Very eerie to me how these stories echo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 "Do you have room for a single 47 year old tall, handsome chap in SF ??? " If she doesn't have room then you can come and lodge with me in NW England, not much in the way of Californian sunshine I'm afraid but good beer and hot meat pies, plus plenty of male bonding, I could do with the company, 2 Ralphs together mate on bad days we could cry in to each others beer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ralfgarnett Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 "It was like she just wanted to walk away and start over. No regard for anything or anyone. I was to just disappear and she to carry on with her life like I never existed. Very eerie to me how these stories echo" Funny you should say this, I too thought exactly the same thing when I was out walking in the snow earlier, I too feel as though I was also meant to just disappear Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonBanana Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 Do you have room for a single 47 year old tall, handsome chap in SF ??? That's a kind offer but I think my new man would get a little jealous. ;-) 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonBanana Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I find it very admirable that you not only took charge of your divorce process but also got your life back on track after that. It speaks volumes of the type of person you are and the type of person he is. You are definitely better off. But I dont need to tell you that. Thank you, Ralph79. It was the most challenging thing I've ever done. But it was so worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
TashaTudor Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Glad to hear you've moved on from this situation. I think this IS strange behavior. If the dumper stbxh wants out he should be more than anxious to get the papers going. My ex-creep did the same to me. It was like whipping a dead horse. Enjoy your lovely new life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonBanana Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 Ex-creep! Ha! Hilarious! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 Chances are he doesn't want to give up on his safety net. Don't take calls from unknown numbers a week or so before it's finalized, he might attempt to 'confess his love' and 'apologize'. San Francisco? Wow! Well no wonder he's dragging his feet, he has to watch you living it up. Link to post Share on other sites
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