Divorced, Reconciled, now what?

[ksgirl]

My story starts here. Met at 16, engaged at 20, married at 21. 2 kids and divorced at 30.

 

Our divorce was what I would consider, amicable... In regards to crazy psycho **** and stupid choices. We divorced because it got to the point of we felt like we were just 2 people living together, sharing money and raising 2 boys. I felt very little attachment to him besides the ring on my finger most days. He's not a very physical person when it comes to affection, but he has a very high sex drive. I wouldn't say my sex drive is non existent, but a woman's sex drive is drove by many factors, not just a bedroom and 2 people. Right? None the less, that frustrated him, which in return frustrated me and I started resenting him for sex. His attention outside of the bedroom wasn't there for me. He never held my hand, very seldom touched me in public, especially if other people were around. I can count on one hand the number of times I got flowers from him...and there'd be days he'd go without telling me he loved me, kissing me, or even telling me goodbye in the mornings. I had enough. He kept telling me I lived in this fairy tale world of a relationship. That men become complacent, and the honeymoon phase of marriage doesn't last forever. I disagree.

 

Let me also add in about 2 years ago he had a emotional affair with a woman he worked with over text messages and email.... I forgave and moved on. I dont blame our divorce or issues on this, but I always wonder if subconsciously it changed the way I look at him.

 

On top of personality differences, our issues, fights and disagreements escalated. I filed for divorce last fall and it was final the end of October. I was in rage mode after it was final and went on no contact to save any friendship or civil relationship that would be obtained for our kids sake. After a week or so of NC, he broke. He sent me text messages begging for me to talk to him. I agreed to dinner.

 

Here we are to today. We are living together again, and "actively" working on us.

 

My problem: The first few weeks of us getting back together were bliss. I really felt like we both hit rock bottom and was ready to climb back up, recognizing faults and ready to change. The bad part is, I feel like I am just not satisfied like I think I should be. He has been paying more attention to me outside of the bedroom, but there are still days he doesn't try to kiss me, and doesn't even tell me goodnight in bed. But hours into sleep, he will try to have sex with me. Our sex life in general has been better, but I still feel like that's the only way he can show me he cares. A lot of days I still get that old nagging feeling that I am not a priority in his life, and just someone who cleans, cooks, and takes care of kids. Am I asking to much? Am I living in a fairytale? I can't wrap my head around it.

 

I will admit, there has been a distracting influence in my view. A guy both him and my ex husband have known for years. The sexual attraction is very apparent, and i'd be very tempted to act on it, but I KNOW a one night stand, which is all this owuld be, is NOT WORTH the relationship I have with my ex... My ex is a good man. Works hards, provides, and takes care of me... But its not enough. I can't imagine my life without him, but I can't imagine going on it life consistently wanting more.

 

SOOO all those who have reconciled and it worked, or didn't work... At what point did you decide it wasn't gonna work? AM I completely crazy?!! Sometimes I feel like, its too good to leave, but too bad to stay?

 

PS: Sorry for the long story, just needed to say all this out loud somewhere! LOL

Edited January 22, 2015 by ksgirl

[KBarletta]

My story starts here. Met at 16, engaged at 20, married at 21. 2 kids and divorced at 30.

 

Our divorce was what I would consider, amicable... In regards to crazy psycho **** and stupid choices. We divorced because it got to the point of we felt like we were just 2 people living together, sharing money and raising 2 boys. I felt very little attachment to him besides the ring on my finger most days. He's not a very physical person when it comes to affection, but he has a very high sex drive. I wouldn't say my sex drive is non existent, but a woman's sex drive is drove by many factors, not just a bedroom and 2 people. Right? None the less, that frustrated him, which in return frustrated me and I started resenting him for sex. His attention outside of the bedroom wasn't there for me. He never held my hand, very seldom touched me in public, especially if other people were around. I can count on one hand the number of times I got flowers from him...and there'd be days he'd go without telling me he loved me, kissing me, or even telling me goodbye in the mornings. I had enough. He kept telling me I lived in this fairy tale world of a relationship. That men become complacent, and the honeymoon phase of marriage doesn't last forever. I disagree.

 

Let me also add in about 2 years ago he had a emotional affair with a woman he worked with over text messages and email.... I forgave and moved on. I dont blame our divorce or issues on this, but I always wonder if subconsciously it changed the way I look at him.

 

On top of personality differences, our issues, fights and disagreements escalated. I filed for divorce last fall and it was final the end of October. I was in rage mode after it was final and went on no contact to save any friendship or civil relationship that would be obtained for our kids sake. After a week or so of NC, he broke. He sent me text messages begging for me to talk to him. I agreed to dinner.

 

Here we are to today. We are living together again, and "actively" working on us.

 

My problem: The first few weeks of us getting back together were bliss. I really felt like we both hit rock bottom and was ready to climb back up, recognizing faults and ready to change. The bad part is, I feel like I am just not satisfied like I think I should be. He has been paying more attention to me outside of the bedroom, but there are still days he doesn't try to kiss me, and doesn't even tell me goodnight in bed. But hours into sleep, he will try to have sex with me. Our sex life in general has been better, but I still feel like that's the only way he can show me he cares. A lot of days I still get that old nagging feeling that I am not a priority in his life, and just someone who cleans, cooks, and takes care of kids. Am I asking to much? Am I living in a fairytale? I can't wrap my head around it.

 

I will admit, there has been a distracting influence in my view. A guy both him and my ex husband have known for years. The sexual attraction is very apparent, and i'd be very tempted to act on it, but I KNOW a one night stand, which is all this owuld be, is NOT WORTH the relationship I have with my ex... My ex is a good man. Works hards, provides, and takes care of me... But its not enough. I can't imagine my life without him, but I can't imagine going on it life consistently wanting more.

 

SOOO all those who have reconciled and it worked, or didn't work... At what point did you decide it wasn't gonna work? AM I completely crazy?!! Sometimes I feel like, its too good to leave, but too bad to stay?

 

PS: Sorry for the long story, just needed to say all this out loud somewhere! LOL

 

 

On the one hand, it sounds like you have expectations of what a relationship should be, and expectations (even if they are legitimate) are usually a recipe for disappointment eventually.

 

On the other hand, it sounds like your husband knows what you want but isn't willing or able to give it to you. You want romance, hand holding, displays of affection, etc. How often do you initiate those things with him? What is his response when you do?

 

I don't know if you've tried counseling (specifically to talk about these issues), but it might help you to relate to each other better. You want more romance, he wants more sex (a common problem for the men-women dynamic in long-term relationships). If everything else is good (no cheating to speak of, no abuse, no financial issues, etc.), I'd give that a shot and see what comes of it.

[ksgirl]

I do try to be affectionate, asking him to sit by me on couch, I walk up to him and hug him, kiss him each night I get home for the most part. I ask about date nights and spending time with just us. He just doesn't repeat it back to me. I feel like I do it all, I always am the one to initiate it. Sometimes I just want to be the receiver, and not the giver.

 

We have done some counseling through our preacher, but he also like many men I've read about, not willing to sit and listen to someone "tell him how to run his life". I've done some individual counseling through the divorce myself as well.

 

I often wonder if I am just setting un-obtainable goals...and so that no matter what happens, it will never be enough?

[Mr. Lucky]

I do try to be affectionate, asking him to sit by me on couch, I walk up to him and hug him, kiss him each night I get home for the most part. I ask about date nights and spending time with just us. He just doesn't repeat it back to me. I feel like I do it all, I always am the one to initiate it. Sometimes I just want to be the receiver, and not the giver.

 

Left to my own uninformed instincts, I'd probably be close to your husband. PDA's don't come naturally to me and I tend to emphasize financial support and commitment as proof of my love for her.

 

But like you, my wife has been vocal about her need for "outside the bedroom" intimacy and I make a conscious effort each day to do so. If I want her to be sexually active and enthusiastic, it's not a stretch to understand that I have to reciprocate in ways important to her.

 

In short, what you're asking for isn't unreasonable and his failure to provide doesn't bode well for the long-term health of your rekindled relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ralph79]

ksgirl,

 

I'll give you my point of view on your situation based on what you wrote. I might've taken things out of context or perceived them wrong entirely. Feel free to correct me.

 

" but a woman's sex drive is drove by many factors, not just a bedroom and 2 people. Right?"

Couples tend to confuse poor performance in bed with a low sex drive or an "incompatible" partner.

 

The reality is, if there's problems during intercourse, it is very likely that is merely a reflection of the rest of your marriage. You can't expect to have great sex with your spouse day after day, year after year, if there is no connection between the two of you during normal activities.

 

So don't blame it on your sex drive, or his actions. There are problems in your marriage that are deeply rooted and I would suggest you see a marriage counselor / Sex therapist before you continue further. Seek a professional (not just a preacher) to help you out. You've invested so much time in your marriage already, it's worth it.

 

"He kept telling me I lived in this fairy tale world of a relationship. That men become complacent, and the honeymoon phase of marriage doesn't last forever. I disagree. "

Again a marriage counselor would be best suited to help you reach common ground. There's no room for complacency in a happy and fulfilling marriage, but in order to get there, there needs to be a lot of compassion and empathy between the two of you.

 

"I will admit, there has been a distracting influence in my view. A guy both him and my ex husband have known for years. The sexual attraction is very apparent, and i'd be very tempted to act on it, but I KNOW a one night stand, which is all this would be, is NOT WORTH the relationship I have with my ex"

 

You've got to be really careful. Ask yourself what is it you really want? You are wasting your time and his, trying to give this relationship another chance if you're thinking of another man. It's not fair for him and the kids. One bad decision he made doesn't give you the right to act irrationally on another. If you want to explore the possibility with this new guy, then break up now, and go do it. But don't inch closer while you're sleeping with your eX. A lot of other emotions cloud your judgement and you might end up losing complete interest if you find yourself available for him, no strings attached.

 

"My ex is a good man. Works hards, provides, and takes care of me... But its not enough. I can't imagine my life without him, but I can't imagine going on it life consistently wanting more. "

I hate to tell you this, but your logic doesn't make sense. Based on your own words, you do sound like you are living in fantasy land.

I know what you mean though, don't get me wrong. Maybe you reconciled a little too quickly, but he IS making an effort to improve on your emotional needs. That's why the sex is improving.

 

Maybe.. just maybe you have been too focused on what you want from him, and haven't paid attention to what he needs from you? He can't make this work if you don't invest yourself fully into this as well. If you view it as a sacrifice then it's doom to failure.

 

Maybe if you two communicated better, he might be inclined to be more romantic. Check his messages or his interactions with that emotional affair girl... is that the type of man you want him to be with you? What did that girl have that made him react that way? (I'm assuming he was passionate in the way he communicated with her).

[ksgirl]

Mr Lucky!!! You must be my ex's long lost twin!! He tells me the same thing... He feels like showing support in ways of financial, around the house, etc...Providing is the way he knows to show he cares and love me. Maybe I am being dumb and not seeing it...and always searching for the greener grass?

[ksgirl]

ksgirl,

 

I'll give you my point of view on your situation based on what you wrote. I might've taken things out of context or perceived them wrong entirely. Feel free to correct me.

 

" but a woman's sex drive is drove by many factors, not just a bedroom and 2 people. Right?"

Couples tend to confuse poor performance in bed with a low sex drive or an "incompatible" partner.

 

The reality is, if there's problems during intercourse, it is very likely that is merely a reflection of the rest of your marriage. You can't expect to have great sex with your spouse day after day, year after year, if there is no connection between the two of you during normal activities.

 

So don't blame it on your sex drive, or his actions. There are problems in your marriage that are deeply rooted and I would suggest you see a marriage counselor / Sex therapist before you continue further. Seek a professional (not just a preacher) to help you out. You've invested so much time in your marriage already, it's worth it.

 

"He kept telling me I lived in this fairy tale world of a relationship. That men become complacent, and the honeymoon phase of marriage doesn't last forever. I disagree. "

Again a marriage counselor would be best suited to help you reach common ground. There's no room for complacency in a happy and fulfilling marriage, but in order to get there, there needs to be a lot of compassion and empathy between the two of you.

 

"I will admit, there has been a distracting influence in my view. A guy both him and my ex husband have known for years. The sexual attraction is very apparent, and i'd be very tempted to act on it, but I KNOW a one night stand, which is all this would be, is NOT WORTH the relationship I have with my ex"

 

You've got to be really careful. Ask yourself what is it you really want? You are wasting your time and his, trying to give this relationship another chance if you're thinking of another man. It's not fair for him and the kids. One bad decision he made doesn't give you the right to act irrationally on another. If you want to explore the possibility with this new guy, then break up now, and go do it. But don't inch closer while you're sleeping with your eX. A lot of other emotions cloud your judgement and you might end up losing complete interest if you find yourself available for him, no strings attached.

 

"My ex is a good man. Works hards, provides, and takes care of me... But its not enough. I can't imagine my life without him, but I can't imagine going on it life consistently wanting more. "

I hate to tell you this, but your logic doesn't make sense. Based on your own words, you do sound like you are living in fantasy land.

I know what you mean though, don't get me wrong. Maybe you reconciled a little too quickly, but he IS making an effort to improve on your emotional needs. That's why the sex is improving.

 

Maybe.. just maybe you have been too focused on what you want from him, and haven't paid attention to what he needs from you? He can't make this work if you don't invest yourself fully into this as well. If you view it as a sacrifice then it's doom to failure.

 

Maybe if you two communicated better, he might be inclined to be more romantic. Check his messages or his interactions with that emotional affair girl... is that the type of man you want him to be with you? What did that girl have that made him react that way? (I'm assuming he was passionate in the way he communicated with her).

 

 

I have backed off of the side interest, and do not talk to him regularly, but our social circles do cross at times. I appreciate the suggestions everyone has said... I just have so many things going on in my head and needed to hear another outsiders opinion. I def. think we need to seek some serious counseling.

[toolforgrowth]

Mr Lucky!!! You must be my ex's long lost twin!! He tells me the same thing... He feels like showing support in ways of financial, around the house, etc...Providing is the way he knows to show he cares and love me. Maybe I am being dumb and not seeing it...and always searching for the greener grass?

 

I don't want to say a person is dumb. I think that people are just looking at their same predicament from different perspectives.

 

A man who works hard to keep you housed, clothed, fed, and safe, loves you. He may not hold your hand or buy you flowers, but in all fairness, that's because he's busy providing for the well being of you and your family. Glamorous? No. Romantic? Certainly not. But take that away, and what do you have? Hand holding and flowers don't pay the bills or keep you fed. I'm not saying it's unrealistic to want those things, but which of those is a responsible adult going to prioritize?

 

I truly believe there is middle ground to be had here. But if you want him to understand your position, it helps to understand his.

[GirlStillStrong]

ksgirl, I agree with you, what is the point of being with a man if he is not affectionate with you? It turns the relationship into a job and cheapens the sex.

 

BUT at the same time, I have to tell you I have been in a lot of relationships (because I have never found the right person to settle down with) and there is never going to be that perfect person. Each and every relationship has trade-offs. One guy may be a good breadwinner but not be affectionate, another guy may be affectionate but has sex with other women, another might know how to fix things around the house but have a problem with drugs or alcohol, another may be very nice and caring but inattentive. You are never going to have it all.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe I am being dumb and not seeing it...and always searching for the greener grass?

 

I think, to a certain extent, the heart wants what the heart wants. The trick is framing the message in a way he understands. Emotionally, my wife is our better half. And while I'm not in her league, she keeps me pretty motivated ( without going into too many graphic details ) to follow her lead. I bring other things to the table so together we're a pretty good team.

 

I think your goal should be to work with him to get to a point where you see him as complimentary rather than opposing. And that's going to take effort on both your parts. Are you up for it? Is he?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ksgirl]

After almost 4 months of being in "reconciliation" mode, living together again, and trying, I'm sad to say we've ended it. It was an extremely heartbreaking decision on my behalf, because every bit of me wanted him to be the one. Wanted the changes in our relationship to be real, and wanted us to beat the odds. Unfortunately, in the end I wasn't happy. I can't force myself to be content, and I can't make him someone he is not. He moved out this weekend, and Im starting the process all over again. I guess the good news is this time we're already divorced, so at least that mess is behind us, no arguing over bills, child support, property, etc. Its all settled and done. Unreal? Yes. Amazing how much life can change in a matter of minutes.

[DKT3]

I think you hit on the big issue before when you said "looking for greenier grass". This is really common in relationships like our (been with my ex-wife since 17, she 16). Right around 30ish she started to see what I had to offer as "not enough", unlike you she had an affair looking for what was missing. She thought it had to be something out there better. Her issue was my work travel, gone about 20 days a month and she felt like a single mom.

 

Its so hard to make a break when your still very much in love but also knowing that it can't work with the current dynamic.

 

After years apart we just couldn't deny that love that was still there so we mapped out a plan on how to get where we both wanted to be. It took a lot of hard painful work that we would have never been able to get through if we weren't both in 100%. There is I believe the issue between the two of you. It seems like your both only partly in. Your interest wondered, and his just didn't seem to be there.

 

I say for your kids, maybe its best to stay apart this time. This yo-yo is damaging to them. Moreso then you two just moving on from one another.

 

Now I must say, you think its hard being in that relationship, wait until your out of it. All your major events in life have been shared with this person, the history is deep and it will be so very hard for the next guy to compare. All the inside jokes, the eye contact where you communicate without words. All things you don't think about until you have someone who doesn't get it.

 

I wish you the best of luck, but know it will get worse, much more so before it gets better.

[ksgirl]

Oh I totally agree. I am heartbroken that we are leaving so much history and memories on the table. Its very clear we weren't in it 100% on both ends. Lots of red flags looking back now.... I am already coping with what I'll never have with someone else. There will never be a connection like I had with him or the history, or anything .He's the father of my children, and no one can take that spot in my heart.. Its a hard situation to be in. I can only hope we can both move forward and find someone who makes us happy. It really is sad situation over all, but when is enough, enough?

[MsOptimist]

I just wanted to chime in with my perspective since my marriage to my exH sounded a lot like yours. He was extremely non-affectionate but with a very high sex drive. His non-affection outside the bedroom really made it hard for me to want sex as much as he did.

 

He never held my hand, he'd actually pull his away with a knee-jerk reaction if I tried. So I learned to stop trying. I'd hug him and his hugs were the most stiff and awkward hugs and he'd sometimes roll his eyes about having to hug me. He never kissed me. I'm talking years without kissing. Over the years I lowered my standards and tried to accept his non-affectionate ways as a part of who he was. I would feel sad when I'd see affectionate couples and realize I wouldn't have that.

 

I am a VERY affectionate person. Post-divorce I have found a partner who is equally affectionate and it is glorious. People are allowed to express their love however they want, but I finally learned that it's truly special when you find someone who expresses their love in similar ways.

 

We're practically professional snugglers, he kisses me all the time, he initiates holding hands, we're "that couple" that sits on the same side of the restaurant booth so that we can snuggle and share our meals. And we have no shame about it, and I am so thrilled to have a more compatible partner. Of course relationships aren't all about holding hands throughout the years, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to find someone who wants those same things.

 

I was interested to see how your reconciliation played out, and you should feel proud that you both tried in every way to make it work.

 

I guarantee there's someone out there for you that's more suitable for you though.