Pakita Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hi. I am almost a newlywed (1yr, 7 mo) and feel like I want a divorce. Things have not been good since the beginning. Our honeymoon phase started about 8 months after the wedding, but never solid. We had both been to counseling prior to getting married, and many things were improved. After we got married, we did not return, until a couple of months ago, when I went on my own. When it was his turn to go with me, he told me he was not gonna pay money to have some psychologist take my side and make him want to change many things, especially with his daughter situation (he has joint custody, hardly takes care of her basic needs, and the kid is being SO spoiled. Also, having her over half the time really limits our alone quality time). He does not help around the house, he doesn't seem to be physically interested in me, I feel regret living with him, since now I feel I had it better before, when I was all by myself. What can you suggest from this? I don't want a divorce, but I don't know how to make it right... If there is a way to fix it... Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Hi. I am almost a newlywed (1yr, 7 mo) and feel like I want a divorce. Things have not been good since the beginning. Our honeymoon phase started about 8 months after the wedding, but never solid. We had both been to counseling prior to getting married, and many things were improved. After we got married, we did not return, until a couple of months ago, when I went on my own. When it was his turn to go with me, he told me he was not gonna pay money to have some psychologist take my side and make him want to change many things, especially with his daughter situation (he has joint custody, hardly takes care of her basic needs, and the kid is being SO spoiled. Also, having her over half the time really limits our alone quality time). He does not help around the house, he doesn't seem to be physically interested in me, I feel regret living with him, since now I feel I had it better before, when I was all by myself. What can you suggest from this? I don't want a divorce, but I don't know how to make it right... If there is a way to fix it... How old is his daughter? If she has many more years at home, you have to either accept her and make peace with the fact that you can't do much about how he "raises" her, or you could opt out. Stepchildren are seldom easy, even if you ahead of time you can handle it. If he won't go to counseling, it is up to you to decide if you two can find a way to communicate without him feeling attacked. It is a hard choice to leave a marriage at any stage, but getting out early, if you know it won't make you happy and that there is nothing you can do to "fix it" may be better than hanging on for years, with frustrations building. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pakita Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 She is 10 years old... The thing is, even our previous psychologist suggested he change the time she spends over (make it less), because it was affecting our marriage, and is not any good to her with his parenting skills (or lack of). Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 Not a whole lot of info to go on here ... so I am curious - other than your stepdaughter and his not helping with chores, etc. - what are your other problems/issues? Are they things you can work out? What makes him such a poor parent in your opinion? Not attentive? Is he someone you intend to have children of your own with and, if so, won't that be an issue down the road? He sounds immature, to be honest, based on your post. If you can't get him to go to counseling can you continue to go and at least communicate your issues with him and try to work on them? (*I would still try to get him to go, incidentally, and if you make him aware of how bad you think things have gotten, i.e., you're thinking of leaving, maybe that would get him to re-think his position and join you?) I think you at least owe it to him and to yourself to try to communicate with him and try to work on things. If he won't, or can't, try, then at least you can say you did what you could. Then you can leave with a clear conscience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pakita Posted January 21, 2015 Author Share Posted January 21, 2015 Other than the stepdaughter, lack of chores, of personal hygiene at times, and dying sex life, the greatest concern is that he knows how I feel yet does nothing to make a change. We can work them out, but I cannot change him for him. He is not paying attention to school work, to helping create good habits, she is never scolded when something is done wrong (don't want to hurt her self esteem)... I wanted to have kids until I got married. It makes me SO sad... We get along GREAT! Like, on a social/fun scene, we complement each other greatly. We have much love for each other, passion used to be insane, but once we step inside our home, ugh. UDPATE: He agreed on going to a new psychologist (did I say he did not like the previous one?)! We have an appointment January 31st. Let's hope for the best.. Link to post Share on other sites
KBarletta Posted January 21, 2015 Share Posted January 21, 2015 We get along GREAT! Like, on a social/fun scene, we complement each other greatly. We have much love for each other, passion used to be insane, but once we step inside our home, ugh. UDPATE: He agreed on going to a new psychologist (did I say he did not like the previous one?)! We have an appointment January 31st. Let's hope for the best.. That is good news. I hope you are both going into it with an open mind because if you do it can work wonders. It sounds like you have issues, but they also sound like the kinds of things that can be worked on and that you have a decent base of a relationship to start with in that you get along and are compatible. if you're both committed, you can come out stronger. GOOD LUCK! Link to post Share on other sites
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 So you knew he had joint custody of his daughter before you said "I do" I presume? Frankly, I wouldnt trust a counselor who told a parent to spend less time with their child, because the new spouse feels neglected. Youre an adult and can fend for yourself. A 10 yr old child cant. You have buyers remorse and didnt know what you were getting in to with a child in the mix. Let him go so he can be a parent first and his kid doesnt have to fight you for his attention. I can understand your position. If you dont have kids of your own, its almost impossible to understand. Thats why I never dated anyone without kids of their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pakita Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 That is good news. I hope you are both going into it with an open mind because if you do it can work wonders. It sounds like you have issues, but they also sound like the kinds of things that can be worked on and that you have a decent base of a relationship to start with in that you get along and are compatible. if you're both committed, you can come out stronger. GOOD LUCK! Thank you. I have no idea what will come out of it, but am definitely willing to try it all before calling it quits. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pakita Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 So you knew he had joint custody of his daughter before you said "I do" I presume? Frankly, I wouldnt trust a counselor who told a parent to spend less time with their child, because the new spouse feels neglected. Youre an adult and can fend for yourself. A 10 yr old child cant. You have buyers remorse and didnt know what you were getting in to with a child in the mix. Let him go so he can be a parent first and his kid doesnt have to fight you for his attention. I can understand your position. If you dont have kids of your own, its almost impossible to understand. Thats why I never dated anyone without kids of their own. I obviously knew about the joint custody, just that I never lived with them before getting married, and had no idea how frustrating watching him potentially fail as a dad would be. I helped out at first, but got tired of being taken advantage of, and being always the mean one when it came to discipline (since he does not know what that means, but I do care because it is my house after all). He has an older son (22) who left the country and won't even call on holidays or birthdays, and wants nothing to do with him or anybody else from the family for that matter, and that is a boy that he had FULL custody of. Turns out we later found out about some pedophile action he participated in, him being the cousin abusesr (which went by without correcting, so "nobody would get hurt") that totally made me flip! I am just trying to avoid that all the hassle and bad moments we have now with the young kid turn into a the same situation with the older one, where he couldn't care less about his dad "who did everything for him". From this I have learned enough, and encourage all my friends without kids to not date people with. Everyone deserves a chance at one on one, intimate marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Cedar27 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 (edited) Continue to seek counseling, talk to professionals about this….both privately and with your partner and stay away from random stranger's advice. Or at the very least take all of it with a huge grain of salt. There is a marriage on the line here. That's my two cents. Edited January 22, 2015 by Cedar27 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pakita Posted January 22, 2015 Author Share Posted January 22, 2015 Thank you Cedar... Will definitely do. Just wanted to know if anybody had been through this, like this. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Everyone deserves a chance at one on one, intimate marriage. Yes but it's not your responsibility to give it to them. It sounds like your marriage is pretty much over. Your husband is not interested in changing, and you're not interested in keeping him as he is. I don't see any other choice than separating and divorcing. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveMyCat Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I obviously knew about the joint custody, just that I never lived with them before getting married, and had no idea how frustrating watching him potentially fail as a dad would be. I helped out at first, but got tired of being taken advantage of, and being always the mean one when it came to discipline (since he does not know what that means, but I do care because it is my house after all). He has an older son (22) who left the country and won't even call on holidays or birthdays, and wants nothing to do with him or anybody else from the family for that matter, and that is a boy that he had FULL custody of. Turns out we later found out about some pedophile action he participated in, him being the cousin abusesr (which went by without correcting, so "nobody would get hurt") that totally made me flip! I am just trying to avoid that all the hassle and bad moments we have now with the young kid turn into a the same situation with the older one, where he couldn't care less about his dad "who did everything for him". From this I have learned enough, and encourage all my friends without kids to not date people with. Everyone deserves a chance at one on one, intimate marriage. I am guessing that a huge number of marriages begin these days with kids already in the picture...knowing that going in, there is no way you were going to have your husband to yourself for any length of time at all. It is unrealistic to have expected otherwise, frankly. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 I'd make ic clear that marriage counseling is not optional. Make it an ultimatum: either we come to agreement on our issues (with the help of a third party) or the next appointment I make is with a family law attorney. This doesn't mean you get your way with the issues at hand, other than the fact that you're working on them. Link to post Share on other sites
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