help me please. Really lost

[MrFedUp]

This is my first post. Been trolling site since marital problems started. My wife and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. We have 2 beautiful twins that we were blessed with. Our relationship started great like most. I was getting out a relationship and so was she. We were both looking for love. To the important part. When I met her she was taking some kind of speed/Adderall. I don't do any kind of pills and never have so I didn't know what kind of problems it could cause. She took them off and on I guess for years. Addiction was the last thing on my mind. Well her finances started to dwindle and we had many arguments about where her money was going. She makes rn money. She would always say food or a bill or anything. There was times that I would have a few hundred dollars laying around. Money started coming up missing. She would say I don't need ur money u must have spent it. This went on for about 4 years. I run a seasonal business and I had over 2000.00 bucks put up in the house. This was money I pulled out the bank to last us through March and april. All of it came up missing. She blamed it on my older son that was living with us at the time. I didn't know who took it but I know someone did. Things started getting hard on us financially because she never brought anything to table. Her mood swings would flip at the drop of a dime. She will scream and try and fight the twins like she a kid. In September of 2013 she was at home with the kids. I get home my 4 year old twins outside playing and she was passed out in the house. Food all over her slobbering and just plan ****ed up. This was it I called her parents. They came and woke her up. She started cursing me them the twins. She was in a rage. Her parents didn't know what to do. They took her and said they were going to get her help. 8 days later she is back. They said she did treatments and counselor said she didn't need counseling. They said they red flagged her at Dr and pharmacy. Come to find out it was all a lie from her mom. Thing continued to get worse to the point where she will spend her entire check on pills. Now it's December 2014 and it's jus as bad if not worse. She will not admit to me that she takes pills till this day. She thinks I'm stupid even after I have taken thousands of pills from her. Yes thousands of pills all different kinds. Well last Friday she was texting someone all night. Saturday morning I wake up and she has a lock on her phone. When she woke up I made her unlock her phone. She didn't have 1 text from the night before. She said it was about pills so she erased it. I said u had multiple text to multiple people about pills u didn't erase them. I played the game I know what's up. Anyway we go at it yelling and screaming. I told her I was done. Later that evening I went to my emergency stash to get some dinner for us. I was suppose to had 200 dollars in there. Instead I had 40.00. At this time she is gone. When she gets back I confront her. She didn't take it and she was broke. Well I go get in her truck first thing I see is a empty Lortab bottle with that days date on it. So I go through her truck and find about 5 or 6 different meds. I even found a bag with cocaine or crushed pills in it I'm not sure. She had a safe in her truck with more pills and zig zags and she don't smoke pot. Anyway I told her I was filing for separation and custody of the kids. She curses me and all kind off stuff. Tell me it's my fault. She at times made me wonder if I was doing enough. She told me I needed to get another job cause she needed more money. Are u ****ing kidding me! I hear her on the phone 2 nights ago tell someone that she would go to police department or the prosecutor and file a restraining order on me but she wouldn't have anyone to take care of the twins. I told her that sunday. I said you only staying in this marriage so you will have someone to pay pills and take care of the kids. I told her there is nothing about her that says wife. I said you don't cook don't clean don't take care of kids don't have sex anymore. I side there is nothing about that that says wife. Last last night I heard her bragging to her friends about stealing money from me. I said you would Bragg to your friends about stealing our money from us/your husband. I am fed up and want to do something just don't know what. She won't admit to taking pills let alone get treatment. Help give me advice. Anything. I'm miserable but am between a rock and a hard place!

Edited December 18, 2014 by MrFedUp
title

[No Limit]

She's an addict. And she's going to need more and more money because the pills she takes now have to be combined with new ones to keep their effect because her body will get used to them.

 

You cannot force her to seek help and go to therapy, she must do so on her own. And since she obviously doesn't want to, there's nothing you can do.

 

I would advise you to get a divorce and try to get full custody of your children. Your wife isn't stable and even if you don't want to divorce, at the very least you will have to set up a seperate bank account and hide your money there. Or do you really want to find yourself in the position someday of you not having enough money left to buy food for the family because she stole it all?

 

Your wife puts you and your children at risk. Get a good lawyer, document what drugs she takes (she can deny it all she likes at court, it's easy to find out what's in her body these days) and don't let her talk you down. It's NOT your fault she's crazy. She's an adult. An irresponsible, selfish adult.

[ComingInHot]

Hi Mr.FedUp,

I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this with your twins. I also understand feeling caught the way you do.

You need to document, take pictures etc... then you need to get a lawyer and then you and your girls to safety.

Have you pulled an 'intervention' yet with you and her family? If not, maybe consider it then video tape it so the courts can see that you and her parents 'tried'. Plus the parents won't be able to lie to protect her...

 

I really am sorry she lost her mind to drugs.

 

If anything, most of the LS people here have some great ideas because they've dealt with crazy too... meaning you are not alone!

CiH*

[MrFedUp]

Thank you guys for the fast response. I had alot of pics of half pills laying on floor. I will not allow our kids in our room because I'm scared they will find it and think it's candy. I had video of her so hi she couldn't hold the food on her fork to eat. I had so so much but lost my phone. So far I have 1 pic of a pill laying on the floor. I'm trying to get everything together. I tried intervention. That's when her parents took her. I have not talked to her mom since her mom lied about all the stuff. I called her dad Sunday and he said he only had 5 minutes to talk. Said he would call me the next day buy I haven't heard from him. Seen them at twins xmas program and they didn't even speak. I really don't know what's going on there but it's really weird. They act like their daughter I'd not important. Her sister told a lady she works with that my wife told her I beat her. I don't know if she has been telling them stuff where they don't like me but its weird. Not only the stuff I wrote earlier but she is a habitual liar. She lies to me about everything. She went filed bankruptcy and I didn't even know till the process was started. She tells me she works over and I'll c her on my way to a job. Then she fight with me about it not being her. She never admits to any lie she's caught in. She will lie no matter how quilty she is. She get off work at 8am and this morning she didn't get home till 11am. She was high as hell. She had the nerve to tell me she ran out of gas. She goes to sleep I pick twins up after school. Bring them home do all the daddy stuff and cook dinner. It was 845pm when I was getting kids in shower when she got up. She does this alot so the kids don't get to see her everyday. This happens multiple days every week. She tells me I yell and cuss at her. I'm sorry I do. I do it because I am fed up with the same thing over and over and over. I feel like I can only be nice about something a few times. I tell all my friends what can I do? All I can do is get mad cuss her out and move on or get a divorce which for them benifit of family sake I do not want to do. I can get mad and stomp my feet but she continues to do it because there are no repercussions to her actions. My brother told me that I'm an "enabler". He said that means I enable her to do it which is the truth. She doesn't have money I pay the bills. We don't have food I put food on the table. Something breaks I fix it. Kids need something I take care of it. I allow her to blow her check. I allow her to lie. I allow her to cheat. I allow her to steal. I'mma have to do what imma have to do so I am no longer her enabler. I'm sorry I'm ranting but man I think I'm depressed and stressed the heck out. She is also really sneaky. On her days off she waits till I go to sleep and start sneaking around looking in phones and through everything. What made me loose respect for her was some sneaky grime ****. When I made her unlock her phone that morning. I was going through the text and she had 1 from 1 of her friends. The text stated that her friend got an std from sleeping around on a guy she's been pretty serious with. Her friend stated that she was gonna have to tell the guy she's serious with in case he had it. My wife text her back and says are you crazy. She says don't tell him I can get u the antibiotics and shot at work. The girl says I can't give myself that. My wife says don't worry I'll do it for you. Man that makes me sad to know I married someone like her. That's what I mean by she's sneaky. You would not think she would ever say anything like that. I feel sick to my stomach

Edited December 19, 2014 by MrFedUp

[GirlStillStrong]

Oh boy. I have to tell you, I have a lot of personal experience with this sort of thing and this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. I would say you need to learn as much as you can about addiction. The more you know, the better you will be able to make decisions for you and your children. You may want to do some Google searches on addiction; there are a lot of good web sites out there with helpful information.

 

I would say that at this point you need to protect yourself. Addicts are desperate people and will do the craziest things, and can get you in some really hot water. Yes, she will accuse you of things that you did not do, in order to get the upper hand. My suggestion is do not make any more threats. She can get you sent to jail. Start making a plan for how you are going to deal with her.

 

No, her parents are not going to help you. They will do only what they need to protect themselves. They may also feel that you are a threat, especially when it comes to the children, and take her side, even when it makes no rational sense.

 

Lastly, if and when their access to pills runs out, addicts who do pills will switch to street drugs. This is a whole different ballgame. Things really start getting weird then.

 

You must protect those children from the addict. This means you MUST take care of and protect yourself first, because otherwise who will take care of the kids?

[BlueIris]

I definitely wouldn’t ever keep money in the house. Get a safety deposit box at a bank you don’t usually use. Open a new account that she doesn’t have access to and pay the bills directly rather than letting any money you earn near her. Don’t give her money. Do the grocery shopping, get the kids’ shoes and clothes, etc., but cut her off financially.

 

I’d also get pictures and recordings as much as you can and upload to a secure location, something in the cloud. (sorry, I’m not very techy) I’d do everything in your power to not get into arguments with her or raise your voice.

 

Detach from her and start your planning. Take your kids places, activities, visit family, and on every errand you can. Her addiction is hurting them too and the further they are from her, the better. As much as you can, take them to school, their activities, and the doctor and dentist. If this spiral continues you’re going to end up a single dad anyway, and it would help a lot to have a record of your parenting them, so all of the people in your kids’ lives know it. Another thing you might try is Al-Anon, which is for family members of addicts.

 

If she’s working, is she subject to drug testing? Any chance she’ll be discovered through drug testing there?

 

Have you considered filing for divorce, alleging drug addiction, asking for drug testing and supervised visitation for mom, and moving out with the kids? If you think she's setting you up for a domestic violence charge, you might want to think about getting to the court first.

 

Geeze, you have a really tough situation. Good luck and plan smart.

Edited December 19, 2014 by BlueIris