CaseyCaseyCasey76 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) I am sorry in advance but this is long. Back in 2010 I had an affair. I was married with a 2 and 4 year old and in 2011 I left and took my children with me. We divorced in 2012. My problem is I cannot seem to get my life back on track. My ex husband would still have me back today and regularly makes me feel guilty about leaving him and constantly says the children are suffering, he will say anything to get to me and put stress and guilt on me. I have had a few relationships to try and move on but I cannot seem to move on and settle down again. I put a front on every day and feel so much guilt it is unreal. I don't know how to move on and let go of this guilt as my ex is a constant reminder. My children are fine they are loved protected and have a good life. He in turn is a great dad and they have a good life with us both. I cannot seem to feel love for anyone though and often feel like ending my life (although I never would because of my children). I have been on anti depressants but they make me feel like a zombie. I just want to feel normal again but 4 years on feel the same. Why can't I move on with my life and love again. I feel so numb and my relationships never last it is always me that pushes people away even if I know they are good men what is wrong with me? Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
toolforgrowth Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I'm going to make some guesses. You feel guilty, and that's why you can't move on. You haven't forgiven yourself and come to terms with what you did. You also know your husband wants you back, but I don't get the impression that you want him back though. That's okay if you don't; you just need to learn that feeling bad over what you did is separate from not wanting to reconcile. Not wanting to reconcile is a legitimate feeling; I threw my xWW's attempts to R right back in her face for no other reason than I didn't want to. Get counseling and don't date for a while; focus on you and making yourself better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I just want to feel normal again but 4 years on feel the same. Why can't I move on with my life and love again. I feel so numb and my relationships never last it is always me that pushes people away even if I know they are good men what is wrong with me? IMO, you're simply 'stuck' emotionally and apparently haven't processed out all the affair and divorce stuff to a neutral state. Since you mentioned depression and medications and, yeah, the wrong med or in the wrong dose can zombie a person out, revisit the doc and that issue and get a referral for some IC to give you tools to psychologically move on. Here's my take as a fMM - Life is short. Accept your mistakes. Resolve to make changes to redress them. Move on. IMO, this is work best done alone, without distractions of relationships. You have a wonderful relationship, that with your children. A true gift. Grow it. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Have you gone to IC (individual counseling) yet? A therapist will help you deal with your guilt if you cannot do so on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 19, 2014 Share Posted December 19, 2014 I just want to feel normal again but 4 years on feel the same. Why can't I move on with my life and love again. I feel so numb and my relationships never last it is always me that pushes people away even if I know they are good men what is wrong with me? Why the need to get back in a relationship? Be there for your kids and learn to love yourself and your life with them. Make friends, stay active and be open to new things. You'll be pleasantly surprised at what will will happen. I'd guess you're giving off a needy vibe that scares some men away... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Tocook Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 I'm wondering how old you are and if that is driving your need to find someone to settle down with? Or you're like me who has always been in a relationship so that's the only way we know how to do things. Either way, I agree with the other posters about working on yourself without the emotional and mental distractions of dating. BUT it so much easier said than done. Are you going to counseling? If not, then you should look into it because they'll help you get things straight in your head and/or get you on the right medication. I know what you mean about being a zombie. I hate feeling like I'm going through the day and driving my kids around feeling like I'm high. I had to change my meds twice and toyed with the quantity myself (not great medical advice here). I'm now alternating a full dose then half dose every other day. If you're depressed and going through the emotions you are now, I highly suggest trying to find what meds work for you. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted December 20, 2014 Share Posted December 20, 2014 As it appears this new member posted this then logged out and hasn't returned, we'll close this up pending their return and request to continue. Thanks for your contributions! Link to post Share on other sites
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