Observation About Single Moms

[M30USA]

I have come to notice something about single moms. It seems most of them are inseparable from their own mother. You always see the pair together, especially around the child(ren).

 

I'm not sure what this means, or if anythung can be concluded from this. It's possible that they merely spend lots of time with their mom because they need help with their child and they have no husband. But I also believe it's possible that, in certain cases, this inseparability could have played a role in the very fact that she has no husband. In other words, perhaps the husband was driven away by the domineering grandmother and the ex-wife was basically more loyal to her than to her husband.

 

I also find it interesting that the woman who have this inseparable relationship with their mothers seem to criticize men for having even a normal relationship with THEIR mothers (or parents). This is possibly projection.

 

Any thoughts on this?

Edited December 17, 2014 by M30USA

[BC1980]

I'll tell you what I have noticed from my own experiences, be that working with single moms or being friends with single moms. Very few want to be single. I can think of two women that I work with. One was cheated on, and the other's ex became a meth addict. Most are financially aided by their parents in some way, be that living with a parent, or the parents supports a lot of the child's extra activities. The parents are also needed to help with practical things like picking the child up from school, and the parents is usually the babysitter if the mom wants to do anything without the child.

 

I think it's only natural that this setup would occur, but I have noticed that both grandparents are involved. Those are only my experience and are obviously not totally representative of the whole.

 

Actually, something I have noticed is that with most single parents I know, they all co-sleep with their children. My ex, in fact, had his son sleeping with him until age 10, and it was h*ll to get the son to sleep on his own. Of note, my ex's wife died when his son was 2. The two women I work with who are single moms, both have kids who sleep in bed with them. The kids are both 8 yrs. old. Is this something anyone else has noticed?

[amaysngrace]

I'm close with my mom but it's mostly because I drive her to places she wants to go to. She gets wine when we go out and I am her nighttime designated driver.

 

My kids all have their own bedrooms and have ever since I bought this house but I do occasionally share my bed with my dog.

[ComingInHot]

Soooo, I'm an unmarried Mom now and:

1. My Mother and Father live 3.5 Hours away

2. I have a 'no child in bed' rule except for cases of Nightmares and Thunder/Lightning storms (but they are both past that too now)

3. Healthy non pushy parent child relationships w/my parents

4. Think it is just as important to see a man love his Mother and treat her well too

 

I don't know a lot of other unmarried moms yet so I am just going by my own experience which seems to not always follow conventional patterns or the 'average norms'...

[jakrbbt]

Women still make less money than men and, for varying reasons, are not as likely to have the kind of robust careers that you see with people who have full-time nannies. If you don't have a full-time nanny, how can you get on-call childcare for all that stuff that comes up? <---Mom.

 

I have also long noticed, as a nanny myself, that small children will cling to their "primary parant" and act out more around that parent-- most single mothers are going to be that parent. (Not all of them.) If your kids are going to be hanging on your leg and throwing toys you just want to do the grocery shopping or have a domestic evening, you're not going to have a friend over. You're not going to have your dad over. You're not going to want to do it by yourself necessarily. So, you'll have mom over. Though I think a sister or bestie with kids would be more fun. I'm just trying to explain the perceived trend, if there's anything to it. (Myself, I haven't seen it. But my single-mom acquaintances tend to be older and more career-oriented and they mostly have nannies and far-away-residing mothers.)

 

Or, as you point out OP, you could be projecting-- looking to make sense of your own experience. Likely you just do not like overly-involved in-laws or ex-in-laws, and you're wondering, Don't these people know any better???? Well, they don't. And they won't. And it isn't gender-specific: you've heard I'm sure, of all those mama's boys sticking to their grown sons. They make movies about them. Some parents are simply being helpful, others are over-involved and unhealthy. It's hard to know which one's going on when you're observing strangers. But your dismay over the unhealthy, over-involved, meddling in-law, is reasonable. Fortunately, there are also scores of single mothers who do not have that kind of set-up with their own mothers.

[tippydog90]

I recently became a single mom. Unfortunately, I lost my own mom last year. I live in a place with no support network and I also have a great career and work full time. My daughter's father works on the road, so he is never here to assist with her care. It is just me and her day care provider when I am at work. All other times, she is with me. As far as when my mom was alive and I was still married, we always lived a great distance from her so she was not involved in our day to day lives at all, other than phone calls and when I went to visit occasionally. I wish I had lived closer to her as I know how much she would have enjoyed spending time with her granddaughter.

 

And in my case, it was my husband's mother who contributed to the demise of our marriage in some ways. I met her a total of one time 6 months after we married and she proceeded to immediately lecture me because one of my best friends was male. A man I had known years before I met my husband and who was like a little brother to me. I told her politely that who my friends were was none of her business.

 

From that point on her toxicity was prevalent in our marriage even though she lived thousands of miles away. My husband received a very sizable inheritance while we were married and one day soon after he accidentally left an email open from his mother that told him to "cover his *ss". Evidently she also thought I was out to get his "money". Mind you, I am the LAST person on earth who would ever be conniving, vindictive, go after someone's money, or anything along those lines. I have a great career and make good money myself. Yet somehow she convinced my husband I was a money grubber or something, and soon after he received his inheritance, he began the process of "getting rid" of me. So in my case, it was the MIL that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. And no, when we divorced I didn't get a dime of that money, nor did I ask for any.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Women still make less money than men and, for varying reasons, are not as likely to have the kind of robust careers that you see with people who have full-time nannies. If you don't have a full-time nanny, how can you get on-call childcare for all that stuff that comes up? <---Mom.

 

I have also long noticed, as a nanny myself, that small children will cling to their "primary parant" and act out more around that parent-- most single mothers are going to be that parent. (Not all of them.) If your kids are going to be hanging on your leg and throwing toys you just want to do the grocery shopping or have a domestic evening, you're not going to have a friend over. You're not going to have your dad over. You're not going to want to do it by yourself necessarily. So, you'll have mom over. Though I think a sister or bestie with kids would be more fun. I'm just trying to explain the perceived trend, if there's anything to it. (Myself, I haven't seen it. But my single-mom acquaintances tend to be older and more career-oriented and they mostly have nannies and far-away-residing mothers.)

 

Or, as you point out OP, you could be projecting-- looking to make sense of your own experience. Likely you just do not like overly-involved in-laws or ex-in-laws, and you're wondering, Don't these people know any better???? Well, they don't. And they won't. And it isn't gender-specific: you've heard I'm sure, of all those mama's boys sticking to their grown sons. They make movies about them. Some parents are simply being helpful, others are over-involved and unhealthy. It's hard to know which one's going on when you're observing strangers. But your dismay over the unhealthy, over-involved, meddling in-law, is reasonable. Fortunately, there are also scores of single mothers who do not have that kind of set-up with their own mothers.

 

I concur particularly the last part. Once again, you can't paint EVERY single mom with the same paint brush or make it a gender specific issue. It just isn't true not to mention fair for those of us who have our sh*t together, male or female.

[M30USA]

Here is an example, just to rule out me being the one projecting:

 

I just went to my kids' Christmas concert at school. Ex has made it clear that I am not to have the kids or even walk into an adjacent room with them on "her" time, including at school events. So any time a staff member instructs parents to come pick the kids up after they sing, it's always the grandmother (ex's mom) or sometimes her dad. I've tried to take this role before but she threatens to call the cops or she and her parents try to block me out.

 

Additionally, every school event her parents walk in with her, holding my kids hands as I'm on the sidelines just observing. I make sure to get in a few words with them and hugs but that's it. Her parents are invasive in the school setting.

 

The crazy thing is my ex accused ME during the marriage of being too close to my parents (who I talked to maybe once a month and saw only once per year).

 

My point is I want to be a parent at school events. But the grandparents are always scurrying them to and fro and getting between us. All the time my ex does NOTHING. She just tags along as her parents do it all!

[carhill]

IME, all the women I dated and had relationships with were single mothers, save for my exW, and the only woman's mother I ever had any substantial contact with my exW's. I may have met some other mothers along the way but don't remember those as remarkable. The women I dated and had relationships with were pretty autonomous. Some had exH's/kids fathers still around and some not. This was mostly women in their 30's.

 

Regarding relationships with parents, the most puzzling (at the time) conundrum was my exW ragging on the R with her own mother yet still, for some reason, giving me grief about my pretty relaxed relationship with my own mother. This would come to a head when my mom became mentally ill and terminal and I was caregiving. I guess I don't get all the parental angst or joined at the hip stuff. Never had the life experiences. It is what it is.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Here is an example, just to rule out me being the one projecting:

 

I just went to my kids' Christmas concert at school. Ex has made it clear that I am not to have the kids or even walk into an adjacent room with them on "her" time, including at school events. So any time a staff member instructs parents to come pick the kids up after they sing, it's always the grandmother (ex's mom) or sometimes her dad. I've tried to take this role before but she threatens to call the cops or she and her parents try to block me out.

 

Additionally, every school event her parents walk in with her, holding my kids hands as I'm on the sidelines just observing. I make sure to get in a few words with them and hugs but that's it. Her parents are invasive in the school setting.

 

The crazy thing is my ex accused ME during the marriage of being too close to my parents (who I talked to maybe once a month and saw only once per year).

 

My point is I want to be a parent at school events. But the grandparents are always scurrying them to and fro and getting between us. All the time my ex does NOTHING. She just tags along as her parents do it all!

 

If these terms are set when she has the kids or when the kids are on "her" time, what's the problem exactly?

 

I mean, I guess I can see it being an issue if this is always happening when the kids are on YOUR time otherwise this just seems like any other dysfunctional and bitter divorced situation.

 

It sounds like you and your ex have some major issues going on that transcends the issue of grandparents stepping in and assisting in scurrying the kids along.

 

If you ask me, you couldn't have picked a better example of "projecting" than this :/

[M30USA]

Michelle, the point of this thread was about women being inseparable from their parents as single moms, while simultaneously accusing their ex of the same thing. Given this main point, and given my clear evidence of lopsided closeness of her with her parents and me to my parents, your claim of me "projecting" is unfounded. Projection is only true in cases where it defies facts and evidence. Please familiarize yourself with the concept. It's difference than plain old blaming or bitterness. It's a clinical term with a technical meaning.

[BlueIris]

I was a single mom for 12 years and my parents lived in another state. They’d visit to spend time with my kids, their grandkids, and we’d go to their state at Christmas. I didn’t accuse my husband of being “too close” to his mom or parents, but his mom was a doting grandma and just glowed when she was around the grandkids- all good! So I wouldn’t go so far as to say that single moms are close to their moms or hypocritical about it, in general. But it sure is nice to have grandparents around and involved, especially when you become a single mom. Sometimes it was a wonderful relief and I was really grateful for their being around more after the divorce.

[yessy21]

When I was broke and alone with my baby... I needed my mom to take care of her when she was sick or when I had to work a little later.

 

 

I slept in the same bed with her because I couldn't afford another bed and a bigger room. an efficiency with a kitchen cost about 700.00 here.

 

 

I never planned on being a single parent depending on anyone. It just happened that the partner I had changed his mind after my child turned one.

[xxoo]

You are projecting your scenario onto "single moms", when really it is just your scenario, your ex and her parents. When looking at others single moms, confirmation bias makes you notice and remember examples that confirm your beliefs about single moms, and not notice or remember examples that conflict with your beliefs about single moms.

 

As to your example, however, if it's "her" time, why should you get seating preference over her parents at the event? You're there; that's great! To try to sit next to the child is weaseling in on their time. Maybe that's why she's gotten so firm about it, because she's felt that you weren't respecting standard boundaries?

Edited December 17, 2014 by xxoo

[carhill]

Ex has made it clear that I am not to have the kids or even walk into an adjacent room with them on "her" time, including at school events. So any time a staff member instructs parents to come pick the kids up after they sing, it's always the grandmother (ex's mom) or sometimes her dad.

 

This kind of stuff moves well afield of parental relationships and into matters of child custody in an adversarial relationship and is something better relegated to legalities. You can expect an adversary to use any means at their disposal, within the law and sometimes even outside of it, to achieve their goal. To put it bluntly, they know you can't legally kill them so they'll behave in any manner they choose and dare you to react. Your reaction is your choice.

 

Personally, if faced with this kind of adversary, I'd be dealing with her legally, not in front of children at school events. The kids get the sanitized version. If it is currently legally 'her time', it is and her time should be unfettered by any interactions with you. What she does with her time and who she includes in the children's lives, like her family, during her time, is her business, as long as it doesn't violate the order of the court. If it does, deal with it legally, not on the street, unless lives are in danger.

 

You apparently have a good grasp of what you're up against so work on accepting it and moving forward. Only too soon the children will be grown up and gone. Make it count. Good luck!

[anika99]

Here is an example, just to rule out me being the one projecting:

 

I just went to my kids' Christmas concert at school. Ex has made it clear that I am not to have the kids or even walk into an adjacent room with them on "her" time, including at school events. So any time a staff member instructs parents to come pick the kids up after they sing, it's always the grandmother (ex's mom) or sometimes her dad. I've tried to take this role before but she threatens to call the cops or she and her parents try to block me out.

 

Additionally, every school event her parents walk in with her, holding my kids hands as I'm on the sidelines just observing. I make sure to get in a few words with them and hugs but that's it. Her parents are invasive in the school setting.

 

The crazy thing is my ex accused ME during the marriage of being too close to my parents (who I talked to maybe once a month and saw only once per year).

 

My point is I want to be a parent at school events. But the grandparents are always scurrying them to and fro and getting between us. All the time my ex does NOTHING. She just tags along as her parents do it all!

 

The above example actually indicates that YOU ARE projecting, in that you are taking your own experience and projecting that onto all single moms. I was a single parent and did not have an abnormally close relationship to my mother and my kids did not sleep with me except in special circumstances.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Michelle, the point of this thread was about women being inseparable from their parents as single moms, while simultaneously accusing their ex of the same thing. Given this main point, and given my clear evidence of lopsided closeness of her with her parents and me to my parents, your claim of me "projecting" is unfounded. Projection is only true in cases where it defies facts and evidence. Please familiarize yourself with the concept. It's difference than plain old blaming or bitterness. It's a clinical term with a technical meaning.

 

Your thread is making a biased observation about single moms that is ultimately based on YOUR personal experiences with your wife.

 

The only "evidence" or "facts" you've provided is a snapshot of your relationship with your wife from YOUR perspective. We don't know the whole story and we certainly don't have your wife's perspective on why she does what she does. Knowing both sides of the coin often influences and even changes opinions obviously.

 

You're taking those negative experiences with your ex and using them to unfairly group and judge other single moms as outlined in your opening statement. Whether or not it's projection is debatable but what isn't is how jaded your thinking is I'm afraid.

 

You asked for our thoughts and that is what you're getting. It doesn't mean you're going to like everything you hear.

[Phoe]

I know 2 single moms.

 

One of them hates her mother and does not associate with her at all. The other is on good terms with her mom, but they do live far apart and don't see each other frequently.

[No Limit]

Well that definitely doesn't count for my mother. My grandmother lives about 500 miles away, and while she's a real witch and even my mother can't stand having her around for more than 5 days she's never had that a lot of influence on our lives. Two calls per week and that's that.

[Standard-Fare]

This "trend" of single moms with overly close relationships with their mothers doesn't resonate with me at all. I know a ton of single moms, and each case is very different in terms of relationships with parents. I also know several married women with children who have overly close relationships with their mothers. There's really no patterns you can generalize.

 

However, I think it's true that a single mom probably does NEED more of a support system from her parents (regardless of whether or not her parents are available/willing to provide that).

 

OP, I'd be pissed off too in your situation. But I'm curious, are you in any way contributing to it? For example COULD you choose to join your ex-wife/in-laws as a group at school events, but avoid that option because you're not comfortable? If you want to play a bigger role in these types of scenarios, both you and your ex's family will have to swallow down the hard feelings and play nice.

[DivorcedDad123]

All single moms aren't like this. Some are closer to their moms than others.

That said, if your kids are going to a public school,or a public event, you have every right to be there and can interact any way you see fit as long as it's not endangering them or a causing a disturbance. No matter whose custody time it is,unless you have a restraining order or it's called out in the decree that you can't be there.

Let her call the police. What crime will they charge you with? Spending time in a public place with your kids?

What's the court going to do? Nothing

[kenmore]

I will just share my own experience FWIW. My soon to be ex was a single mom when I met her with a ten year old daughter. Yes, the daughter slept in "mommy's" bed, and yes my ex spends at least two days or evenings with her mother every week. When we got married, her daughter was twelve and still slept with her! Since we were married and were going to share the room / bed, her daughter had to "get out", and the adjustment was very difficult.

 

She definitely gave her mother more attention and catered to her more than she did me. At first that seemed natural since I had basically just come into her life and obviously her mom was there all of her life, but it never really changed.

 

I'll add that her mother does have money and it's due for inheritance when she passes...of course that would have nothing to do with it, right?

[aMguilts]

hmmmmm

 

O.P

i agree

too many single mum's around. esp round my area of england

(no-not down to me!!)

so question is

who's fault is it??

 

. it's the females isn't it??!

 

i bet we ALL know at least 1 female that has had 'a mistake' child?

 

aM

Edited December 18, 2014 by aMguilts

[BeingMe]

Yes, you're absolutely projecting:

 

You believe that your Ex, as a single mum, is too close to her parents. So then you make a massive leap of logic and assume that ALL single mums are too close to their parents.

 

It's like saying:

 

I found a piece of plastic in my chocolate bar. Therefore, ALL chocolate bars have bits of plastic in them.

 

 

 

So to answer you.

 

I'm a single mum because my STBXH cheated and walked out. Am I close to my parents? No. Do I co-sleep? No. In fact since STBXH left, I've enjoyed having a bed to myself and sleeping well. And yes, I have young children.

 

aMguilts - did I 'accidentally' have my children? Absolutely not. Completely planned. And only after we'd had serious conversations about me not wanting to find myself a single mother, so to let me know if he had any reservations. Unfortunately my STBXH wasn't honest that he was cheating already.

 

And on a personal note to both of you...being a single parent is much harder than parenting with a partner. No way would most people choose this for themselves. Especially given that the split also breaks their child's heart. And I very much resent being told that I'm responsible for the split because of a projected view of who I must be, now that my STBXH walked out because of HIS crappy coping mechanisms/FOO issues.

[Shocked Suzie]

I have come to notice something about single moms. It seems most of them are inseparable from their own mother. You always see the pair together, especially around the child(ren).

 

I'm not sure what this means, or if anythung can be concluded from this. It's possible that they merely spend lots of time with their mom because they need help with their child and they have no husband. But I also believe it's possible that, in certain cases, this inseparability could have played a role in the very fact that she has no husband. In other words, perhaps the husband was driven away by the domineering grandmother and the ex-wife was basically more loyal to her than to her husband.

 

I also find it interesting that the woman who have this inseparable relationship with their mothers seem to criticize men for having even a normal relationship with THEIR mothers (or parents). This is possibly projection.

 

Any thoughts on this?

 

 

Mines on the other side of the world