Co-parenting and meeting new partners

[maymcap]

I'm having a hard time with communication/co-parenting with my ex. We have a 10 year daughter. He left us mid-July. Gave no warning. He had met another married woman a couple weeks before and went to be with her. Now they are living together and she is pregnant, due in May.

 

We are not without problems and the biggest one is our daughter and the other woman, and our disagreements about the timeline for her being in daughter's life.

 

He left four months ago. The original plan was to wait 6-9 months for her to adjust and then slowly introduce the idea of daddy dating and then slowly introduce her into our daughter's life. With the pregnancy we have had to up that timeline. In all honesty, I haven't been comfortable with that, but I understand the necessity because daughter will have a sibling and she'll need to know.

 

So we sat down and told her that daddy has a girlfriend. That was in the beginning of this month; 3.5 months after he left. I was worried because she was still dealing with his leaving, but ultimately agreed that it needed to be done under the circumstances. Well, when we told her she completely ignored the topic and kept trying to change the subject. When that didn't happen she started doing everything she could to distract us, singing and dancing and being weird.

 

Within the last couple days I was told by her friend's parent that daughter has been telling her friend that she wants to hurt herself. I'm going to start her in counseling next week. We're going Monday, can't go sooner because of the holiday.

 

Ex told me yesterday he wants dd to meet the other woman thanksgiving day. He knows about dd saying she wants to hurt herself and that she's had a difficult time adjusting. He wants to take dd to their house (dd has never been before; when he spends every other weekend with her it is just for the day and they go out, not to his house) and cook stuffing and meet the girlfriend and then go to his family's house (where I assume they will also meet gf for the first time). It is an all day affair.

 

I've thoroughly gone over that this is a terrible idea under the current circumstances. She is not taking this change well. She hasn't started counseling yet. And she will be thrown into a new house with a new woman for a day and then going to her family and they're meeting the new woman for the first time too when they've known me as the wife for 11 years. It's not a good, emotionally stable situation.

 

We're at an impasse. He is so happy and wants dd part of their new life and doesn't want her to feel like the new baby is replacing her. I just think this thanksgiving meeting is not a good idea. We're on a tight schedule because of the pregnancy, that's another reason for the push. I think this is all going too fast for her. He wants to have them all be a big happy family together, but she is still mourning the loss of her family. He literally sat her down and told her he was leaving and left a couple hours later. There was no warning for her. We didn't fight. We had a seemingly normal and great relationship. She loved her family.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick over my daughter. Communicating over our parenting is hard when I feel like so much is at stake. I've tried to explain, but he's so wrapped up in the idea that they're going to all be a happy family together that I don't feel like he understands where daughter is emotionally and mentally because it's such a different spot than he is emotionally and mentally right now.

 

This co-parenting is new to me. I don't know if I'm doing or saying the right things. I don't know where the line is when it comes to what I feel is her emotional health. Can I say no to meeting girlfriend because I feel daughter is at a bad place emotionally? If I'm honest with myself, I think if I said no he would just do it behind my back.

 

It's all so frustrating and confusing, navigating all of this. What do I do to make co-parenting better when sometimes it feels like a one-way street? What can I do to help daughter through this?

 

He thinks I am micro-managing things that should be between him and daughter only. I think I wouldn't be as vocal about these situations if we had been able to go with the original timeline. I feel like it's too fast for dd and I have this need to protect her. None of this is ideal, I know, but there has to be ways to help her through this or a timeline that would be better for her. Am I overstepping my bounds like he suggests?

[Decisiontomake]

I've never been in a position of having to co-parent under your circumstances as the mother BUT I am a mum and without doubt, 100% of the time you must do what you know/feel to be right for your daughter. It really can be simplified like that - men do not (generally) have the same empathy as we do. If you feel this is a wrong idea, too much for your daughter while she is this fragile, then that's the end of it. Trust your gut.

[Mr. Lucky]

He thinks I am micro-managing things that should be between him and daughter only. I think I wouldn't be as vocal about these situations if we had been able to go with the original timeline. I feel like it's too fast for dd and I have this need to protect her. None of this is ideal, I know, but there has to be ways to help her through this or a timeline that would be better for her. Am I overstepping my bounds like he suggests?

 

While I agree with your stance in principle, there's not much legal support for your position. Unless you can get more of a consensus from him on how to proceed, he gets to continue co-parenting based on his own beliefs and priorities. It's one of the many sh*tty things about divorce.

 

I'd focus on providing her as much help - professional included - as your time and circumstances allow. Too bad he looks at his daughter's emotional health as collateral damage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jakrbbt]

Very many things that are emotionally harmful to the child, can be countered wonderfully by the other parent (you) simply providing a nurturing environment that is responsive to her age-based developmental needs. I'd focus on that first.

 

If you try to stop your husband from doing his thing, there's a risk that your trying to stop him will do more harm than good in your daughter's life. I'd be willing to bet that the best way to overall counter ill effects, is with providing that nurturing place for your daughter when she's with you. Not as satisfying I know, and it won't soothe your worries. But probably you'll thank yourself immensely down the line. I recommend the book "Growing Up Again" for its excellent layout of age-based needs and how to respond to them.

 

Do not underestimate your own power to counter-balance a negative impact with your own nurturing parenting.

[M30USA]

I think it's your ex's job to inform your daughter of his girlfriend. Not yours. This is what I call "framing" a child's perspective. She should be getting her info about this new woman from her dad. She will see the resentment in your eyes and it will only harm her. I think you made a mistake here.

 

This is why I'm sure to always be the one to inform my children MYSELF about matters concerning my side of the family. My ex wife loves to jump the gun and frame my situation to make me look bad.

[todreaminblue]

I co parent with my ex and his partner......at first it was hard...she was jealous of me .......and i was hurt by her existence in my daughters' life and my ex.....during that time of me being hurt i did not talk to her or contact her....if i had a problem with things she said which were few ......hypocritical stuff she would judge others with...i would say so to my ex....for example, her being outraged and vocal about men who have affairs on their wives or gfs in front of my children...........she was the other woman who my partner left me to be with...she found ways to put me down in front of my girls.......the fact i am a stay at home mum......i dont drive......little digs in front of my girls that they picked up she was digging at me.....she got jealous when others would ask how i was doing if i were ok and happy........

 

 

it took a long time for me to not be hurt......it always does.....but i ended up wishign her happy xmas one year on the phone and she got really happy which made me feel empathetic towards her.........and the feelings just melted away.....she said something to me...i didnt think i would ever hear...she said you have done a wonderful job with your girls.....they are beautiful......and i couldnt hold any hurt after that.......we now have a completely workable co parenting style together......i still dont talk to her much.....i talk to my ex but she has shown me respect and i had always felt disrespected by her.......

 

my ex wants me to have another relationship and he does worry about the guy i will be with eventually ...he wants me and the girls to have a good guy in our lives....and that is always on my mind...a good guy they can respect and abide by because parenting with me is the only way i can be with someone............my ex will accept my relationship as i do his relationship and that the guy i am with will have pull in parental decisions ...it has to be that way....a united effort....or it just wont work......

 

so respect, compromise, honesty,open hearted discussions, love, thinking in the best interest of the child......putting aside personal and emotional grievances to parent in an understanding and positive way, all help to successful co parenting....good luck....deb

[GirlStillStrong]

I don't think you can legally withhold or orchestrate his visitation. Have you discussed your concerns with him? Has DD been told what the plan is and asked if she would like to do that? Perhaps her two parents could actually sit down with her and discuss the options and ask her how she feels about them, together, so that you can both see her reaction.

 

You sound like you are being very understanding under these circumstances and taking this all very well. I am sorry this has happened to you.

[Banker Chick]

When my ex left me he pretty much left his 12 year old daughter at the same time. It wasn't long before he remarried and had stepkids. He too wanted a big happy blended family but went about it completely wrong. Like others have said, unfortunately there isn't much legally you can do unless the situation were to be dangerous for your daughter. It doesn't sound like it is, just extremely dysfunctional.

 

 

I agree with Jakrabbt that your best option is to be there for your daughter and encourage her to share her feelings with you. Refrain from talking poorly about your ex and the situation. Just encourage her to open up and let her talk and validate her feelings. The counseling will help but for now just be that safe, stable place for her. It worked wonders for my daughter and I can look back and feel good that I did what was best for her emotional and mental health.

[No Limit]

Let your ex handle some of the talking. Your daughter needs a shoulder to lean against, which is you. You threaten that by basically taking charge of the 'uncomfortable talks'.

 

Yeah, I bet my father would have loved that too, merging 2 families together (although I have no idea what he's doing or where he is to be honest, but I doubt he was alone for long after the divorce). I was in the daughter-position and nope, never. Go be with your new people, but quit making drama. I'm very thankful that this struggle between adults and their power-manipulating with visitation and stuff never occurred to me (of course, this depends on the situation).

[maymcap]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I do appreciate it and took it to heart. I took a mental step back from it all for a few days so I could think clearer (I have to do that a lot lately). My post was, of course, written out of a lot of frustration. I don't feel heard and I feel a lot like this is a one-way street. When he told me he was leaving he went on and on about how we're going to co-parent and it's going to be just fine because we'll communicate openly and do what's best for our daughter. It doesn't feel like that at all, and as much anger I have for him - I do actually wish it was like he said it was going to be. Maybe after some growing pains, but so far no dice.

 

Just a slight clarification, I am not the one that has told daughter about the things in his life and his decisions. He does that. So his decision to leave, telling her about the affair, telling her about his new girlfriend, and soon telling her about their pregnancy - that is all from him. I have told her that it is okay to feel however she feels negative or positive about the entire situation and any of the people in it (including how she feels negative or positive about me). I never say anything negative about him to her (I haven't even told people about what really happened between me and him; only a very small number of people I completely trust for fear my words will someday make their way back to her through gossip); I wouldn't want to hurt her like that. She loves him. She just seems to be holding herself back with him ever since he left us. It took her two months before she would hug him again. He has blamed me a few times for their current rocky relationship, but I can't control his actions and how she feels about that. He has told me he thinks his new family will solve that problem; so I suspect that's why when I express concern over him rushing her into this falls on deaf ears.

 

She wasn't asked if the plan to meet up with the girlfriend was okay, but I don't believe she would have said no. I've noticed that she's trying really hard lately to be "perfect." She broke down crying last week when she used chopsticks a different way than our family expected. She does not want to disappoint, or seemingly disappoint, her loved ones - no one was disappointed that she used her chopsticks differently, but she had a hard time seeing that. I tried reassuring her, but what helped her feel better was when I offered my services to pick up food and put it on her plate with my chopsticks.

 

Tomorrow I go meet the counselor and she'll begin counseling soon. I'm not entirely sure what to expect, I've never been through that myself. I don't expect counseling will be a miracle for her, but I do hope that it helps. I hope being stable for her helps, and it's good to be reminded that this is important. I feel like everything is so much out of my control lately that there's so many times I feel like all my trying just isn't good enough, like I'm fighting against a current and I'm going under.

 

Daughter did meet his girlfriend. She had a mixed reaction after she got home, liked the girlfriend but revealed she felt a bit like a third wheel at times. She's also needed a lot more comfort the past few days since. I've noticed that happens a lot after something like this. She used to be a very independent child and she lost a lot of it, and it especially shows when she is faced with new news that are big life changes for her: when he left, when she was told he has a girlfriend, and now having met the woman. Things like not being able to be in a room alone without me, needing to be held when she goes to sleep, needing to be told that I love her more often, etc. It's hard to feel like what I'm doing is enough.

 

Thank you again. A lot of times I'm so buried deep in the middle of this that I do need that perspective that isn't in the middle of this. I will look up "Growing Up Again."

[jakrbbt]

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice. I do appreciate it and took it to heart. I took a mental step back from it all for a few days so I could think clearer (I have to do that a lot lately). My post was, of course, written out of a lot of frustration. I don't feel heard and I feel a lot like this is a one-way street. When he told me he was leaving he went on and on about how we're going to co-parent and it's going to be just fine because we'll communicate openly and do what's best for our daughter. It doesn't feel like that at all, and as much anger I have for him - I do actually wish it was like he said it was going to be. Maybe after some growing pains, but so far no dice.

 

Just a slight clarification, I am not the one that has told daughter about the things in his life and his decisions. He does that. So his decision to leave, telling her about the affair, telling her about his new girlfriend, and soon telling her about their pregnancy - that is all from him. I have told her that it is okay to feel however she feels negative or positive about the entire situation and any of the people in it (including how she feels negative or positive about me). I never say anything negative about him to her (I haven't even told people about what really happened between me and him; only a very small number of people I completely trust for fear my words will someday make their way back to her through gossip); I wouldn't want to hurt her like that. She loves him. She just seems to be holding herself back with him ever since he left us. It took her two months before she would hug him again. He has blamed me a few times for their current rocky relationship, but I can't control his actions and how she feels about that. He has told me he thinks his new family will solve that problem; so I suspect that's why when I express concern over him rushing her into this falls on deaf ears.

 

She wasn't asked if the plan to meet up with the girlfriend was okay, but I don't believe she would have said no. I've noticed that she's trying really hard lately to be "perfect." She broke down crying last week when she used chopsticks a different way than our family expected. She does not want to disappoint, or seemingly disappoint, her loved ones - no one was disappointed that she used her chopsticks differently, but she had a hard time seeing that. I tried reassuring her, but what helped her feel better was when I offered my services to pick up food and put it on her plate with my chopsticks.

 

Tomorrow I go meet the counselor and she'll begin counseling soon. I'm not entirely sure what to expect, I've never been through that myself. I don't expect counseling will be a miracle for her, but I do hope that it helps. I hope being stable for her helps, and it's good to be reminded that this is important. I feel like everything is so much out of my control lately that there's so many times I feel like all my trying just isn't good enough, like I'm fighting against a current and I'm going under.

 

Daughter did meet his girlfriend. She had a mixed reaction after she got home, liked the girlfriend but revealed she felt a bit like a third wheel at times. She's also needed a lot more comfort the past few days since. I've noticed that happens a lot after something like this. She used to be a very independent child and she lost a lot of it, and it especially shows when she is faced with new news that are big life changes for her: when he left, when she was told he has a girlfriend, and now having met the woman. Things like not being able to be in a room alone without me, needing to be held when she goes to sleep, needing to be told that I love her more often, etc. It's hard to feel like what I'm doing is enough.

 

Thank you again. A lot of times I'm so buried deep in the middle of this that I do need that perspective that isn't in the middle of this. I will look up "Growing Up Again."

 

You sound here like someone who actually has a great deal of control and influence over your daughter's well-being, much as you might not feel like it. In your posts I can clearly see that you are observant, compassionate, you take initiative in the right ways, and you're so willing to do what's best for your daughter. Rest assured, that is worth gold. That-- and not the absence of problems in her life-- is what will ultimately give her the opportunities she needs to grow into a fine and happy young woman.

 

Of course you're hurting and chafing and disappointed and all that, you've been treated unfairly. And that is significant. But I think that it is separate from whether your daughter can, and will, be OK with all this.

 

Maybe you don't fee like it, but you're clearly exercising tons of responsibility and parental nurturing here. If you've always been a conscientious person, and tried to make things right, or if you never thought you'd have to deal with problems like this, then it can be hard to see how much positive influence you truly are exercising. You're slowly watering a plant and giving it the long hours of sunlight, not fixing a broken object. It'll take time.