meeting regarding divorce

[lolita jade]

Arghhhh. Married for 25 years. Separated 4.5 and husband wants to meet to discuss divorce in an hour. Only thing is he wants a clean cut, cheap, online divorce and I have other plans.

 

 

Nervous.........

[anne1707]

Why would you not want a quick and easy divorce? You have been separated for a while now so surely it is time to move on to the next phase in your life.

[BlueIris]

There’s no point in battle. It’s easy to determine what the outcome would likely be where you live. Set a time to exchange comprehensive proposals for property division and support- and parenting time if you have kids together.

 

Let go of a desire to punish or blame, and the desire for emotional validation from, or domination over, your soon-to-be-ex. It gets you absolutely nothing other than more stress and conflict. If you need help working through resentment, anger and fear, get a counselor. How you handle this conflict will determine much of the rest of your life. And if you have kids, how you handle conflict has a huge impact on them. An Overview of the Psychological Literature on the Effects of Divorce on Children

 

If you have kids together, work out a clear detailed proposed schedule that affords you both time to rebuild your individual lives and share responsibility for your kids, if you have them. If you don't work together well, consider using an online custody and parenting time system, like Our Family Wizard. Unless there is provable abuse or neglect, you’ll both have parenting time. But divorce is mostly about financials, so create a clear and detailed proposed financial and support settlement. Child support worksheets and calculators are online.

 

Even if emotions get out of control, always be willing to settle on a fair reasonable division of property and reasonable support.

Edited November 23, 2014 by BlueIris

[carhill]

Sounds like you were both pretty comfortable being separated since it lasted 4.5 years. Usually, the goalpost gets moved because one or both parties wants to marry again and that can be illegal if one is not legally divorced. What's the situation here?

 

Unless you've been legally separated and the partnership was settled, whatever has gone on in the last 4.5 years will still be fodder for divorce court, regardless of how you or your estranged spouse feel about it, as the demarcation between married and divorcing is the filing of the divorce lawsuit (or legal separation lawsuit).

 

Given you have 'other ideas' than a cheap, easy, online divorce, inquire of your court for a referral to a mediator, if available. Some courts help out like that. In any event, engaging the court clerks will give you some idea of what to expect. I'd give mediation a shot first and see what happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

Only thing is he wants a clean cut, cheap, online divorce and I have other plans.

 

Such as???

 

Mr. Lucky

[lolita jade]

Update as no time earlier

 

 

When I moved out I was hoping to get back together as tried all sorts and in a rut so hoped to live apart and date. He bought me out and thought we could date and then rent my flat out or sell if works out. Went for coffees, walks and days out. A year later he told me he met someone else. I was heartbroken, lost my job due to the stress. He didn't care then moved in with her and her kids, even though ours are adult and he doesn't like other peoples small kids.

 

 

I never sought a divorce and am alone.

 

 

He met me today and handed paperwork over for a cheap divorce. I said I am not signing and employing a lawyer as I have a minimal pension from when the kids were younger and I was working part time or not at all. He has lied on the form about his capital, savings, saying that he lives in his own house and not co-habiting and am even sure he has lied about his salary.

 

 

Seeing Lawyer on Tuesday...............

 

 

Watch this space. I am devastated my marriage has turned out this way, let alone trying to be manipulated into getting nothing.

 

 

I don't know if it would be classed as adultery as was apart for a year, when he met other girl. I wanted to get back together though and was having days out.

 

 

Money means everything to him and I don't think mediation is the answer.

 

 

Thanks for advice

[carhill]

If you or he had sexual relations with another while legally married, legally that's adultery. Proving it, providing the jurisdiction allows the grounds, is another matter entirely, and it's generally beyond the realm of citizens of average means.

 

Presuming a typical jurisdiction, he didn't hand you any divorce paperwork, rather floated a balloon. Divorce paperwork is filed with the court and served by a process server. That paperwork could be the basis for mediation, should you and he so desire.

 

After you meet with a lawyer on Tuesday, hopefully after picking their brain during the free interview portion, get a firm grasp of the numbers regarding their retainer and their hourly rate and quotation for an uncontested, contested, no-fault, fault or mediated action. I think you'll find the numbers enlightening. Then, check with the court and see if their family law division offers any self-help. Once gathering all the relevant information together, make a decision about where you want the snowball to roll. From that point, it's all downhill. Choose wisely.

[lolita jade]

He just handed his online company's printouts for me to sign. I told him he needed to file for a petition but he was too busy trying to get me to sign my life away.

 

 

I am in the UK, so not sure if the same but yes, get my free half hour, so will ask away.

[carhill]

Ah, yeah, so solicitor instead of lawyer.

 

340 pounds and the court sends the petition to the respondent who files, or not, an acknowledgement of service. If not, then the petitioner has it served upon them. That's different than my neck of the woods but the filing fee is similar.

 

Do you want to be petitioner or respondent? It appears the petitioner has a bit more work to do but essentially 'drives' the divorce proceeding. Perhaps a good question to ask your solicitor.

[lolita jade]

Yes. I said Lawyer as you are in US. I don't know what these forms are he has given me. It said he is Petitioner and I am the respondent but I am not signing them

 

 

I will ask my solicitor. Can't believe he has lied on these forms. I thought as he was the petitioner, if he contested anything, he would be charged but I need to find out??

 

 

Thanks for your help

[carhill]

It appears he merely provided you with a copy of the petition he intends to file with the court. It should be pretty easy to check with the court to see if anything has been filed. As an example, the divorce petition I was served had the official stamp of the court on the first page and included the date filed and the signature of the clerk who received the filing. All the sheriff did was check me off on his clipboard as being served and went on to the next service.

 

IMO, until there's a filing in the court's hand, anything can happen. You could file tomorrow and he'd be the respondent, if no filing currently exists. Etc, etc.

[d0nnivain]

You should never sign things you don't understand & if you think he's hiding assets a legal professional is a good idea.

 

Since he's all about money, after you have your lawyer look at the documents perhaps remind your stbx that the more he lies the longer this will take & the higher the transactional costs will be. If he's forthright & discloses his assets so you can make an informed decision this will go more smoothly & be more cost effective.

 

If your plan is to delay in the hopes of reconciling, after 4.5 years of separation, I don't think that is realistic.

[lolita jade]

Nope, no plans to delay to reconcile. Only want a fair divorce.

 

 

I gave 25 of my best years to this marriage and he wants to get out scot free to marry someone else, with their double income, two houses and joint savings, and her maintenance payments for her 3 children from her ex, while I have to struggle with the prospect of always having to manage on my own and with a minimal pension, as bringing up children affected greatly my ability to work full time. I don't even have heating as I lost my job when he first met her, due to the stress and went on anti depressants and had counselling. It was nearly a year with a two month temp job between and I lived off my savings, so can't afford to have central heating put in now.

 

 

My asthma gets worse but maybe my place is a little damp due to no heating.

 

 

I know her money is not anything to do with me but my ex is leading a

very comfortable life.

 

 

It sounds like I am laying it on thick to make the most of it but am not.

 

 

Now I am getting depressed at the thought of Christmas, in case I end up with a huge bill and added stress.

 

 

What a bastard to do this now. I know never a good time but why make it a worse time.

 

 

I am slowly going from loving him to hating him and no doubt by the end of all this will despise him and I did not want to be one of those people who end up bitter and twisted over divorce.

[d0nnivain]

Then just stick to your fairness plan.

 

Best wishes.

[PegNosePete]

Yes. I said Lawyer as you are in US. I don't know what these forms are he has given me. It said he is Petitioner and I am the respondent but I am not signing them

 

I will ask my solicitor. Can't believe he has lied on these forms. I thought as he was the petitioner, if he contested anything, he would be charged but I need to find out??

You will soon find out that it is pretty pointless fighting this kind of thing. There's a few reasons:

 

1) Many people think that contesting a divorce petition is contesting the truth of what is written. It isn't. A divorce petition is saying, in essence, "the marriage is over, here are the reasons". And contesting a divorce petition is not saying "the reasons are false"... contesting a divorce petition is actually saying "the marriage is NOT over". Do you really want to try to prove to a court that your marriage is not over? You'll clearly lose that fight.

 

2) The contents of the petition have absolutely no bearing on the finances of the divorce. I'll repeat that. The contents of the petition have absolutely no bearing on the finances of the divorce. It doesn't matter 2 hoots what the petition says, he will not get any more money or any financial benefit whatsoever, from it.

 

3) Contesting a divorce petition is expensive. And doomed to failure.

 

Having said that, it would have been much more sensible of him to wait another 6 months and file using 5 years separation. That would have avoided all the stress, and issues it's going to cause him.

 

If he has lodged his petition with court already, then really your only sensible option is to sign and return the acknowledgement of service (or ignore it if you want to temporarily delay things for a couple of weeks).

 

The finances are another matter entirely. If you don't agree to his proposal then you can talk with your solicitor about what is a fair split.

 

This thread serves as warning to what can happen if you don't divorce and get a consent agreement at the time of a split! I bet he is kicking himself. Should have tied up the loose ends at the time.

 

Now I am getting depressed at the thought of Christmas, in case I end up with a huge bill and added stress.

You will not get a huge bill unless you accrue it. Your ex wants a quick and simple split, but you don't. The only one at risk of building up a huge bill, is yourself.

Edited November 25, 2014 by PegNosePete

[lolita jade]

You need to watch what you are writing before upsetting people. I have never said I would contest actually divorcing him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I just want what is fair and my solicitor has told me that if I sign his paperwork, it would not get to court as it is not fair. I would be entitled to half his pension.

 

 

He has lied throughout all his forms.

 

 

People should help those crying out for help and advice on this site not put them down and upset them when they have misunderstood what you are trying to say.

 

 

With that in mind, thank you for all those who helped but for those who are very negative, I will just rely on my friends and solicitor's for advice from now on................

 

 

Divorce is a very lonely experience if you are alone. Think of what you say in future!!

[d0nnivain]

If your EX lied about objective things like the amount of his assets, that is one thing. If he lied about the emotional stuff or reasons for the divorce, it's one of those things that may not be worth "fighting" about.

[chew123]

Lolita Jade,

 

I don't think people are being cruel, they are just providing frank advice. Many of us including myself are going through unwanted divorces after long term marriages. We all feel for you , however at this point it does appear that you need more legal advice then moral support.

 

From what I have read you are having trouble that he appears to be doing well and you are maybe not doing as well. It is not practical for you to ruin his life, so what you have to do is make yours better.

 

I know this is hard but that the cliche" living well is the best revenge is true".

If you are living well you won't care about his life anymore.

 

I resent the fact that my wife is already moved on with another man after we were together for 35 years. I have chosen to ignore their life and concentrate on my own. This works best for me.

 

I am in the US and can't offer you any legal advice. All I can say is make sure you have a good lawyer and don't fight over trivial items. It just cost's more money and prolongs the agony.

 

Good luck.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not quite sure which part of my post annoyed or upset you. As far as I can see it's all impartial, practical advice. There's nothing personal or insulting in there at all.

 

 

You need to watch what you are writing before upsetting people. I have never said I would contest actually divorcing him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I just want what is fair and my solicitor has told me that if I sign his paperwork, it would not get to court as it is not fair. I would be entitled to half his pension.

Then it is not a divorce petition that you have received, it is a settlement offer, which may or may not be accompanied by a form E. We can only go by what you tell us here. I did not misunderstand, it's you who gave incorrect information, and my response was based on the information that you gave.

 

But yes if you have a solicitor then you should follow his advice. Asking for a second opinion on an internet forum is not really a very good idea. We don't have all the facts and circumstances in front of us, but your solicitor does.

 

And maybe you should be a bit more grateful to those strangers who give up their free time to try to help you out!!!!!!

 

Good luck.

Edited November 27, 2014 by PegNosePete