Need a friend to listen. At point of no return.

[Lor1]

I'm 38 with dd age 10. My dd father gave me an ultimatum when I was 5 mo pregnant. To have an abortion or lose him. Haven't seen him since and as his parting words were 'I'm skint' as a stubborn independent Celtic woman I thought no matter what... I want nothing more from this man. So even though he left me no job, no money and bare foot and pregnant when my Dad was we thought at the time dying (quadruple by pass and lots of rehabilitation he pulled through) I never sought child support. My Dad was and always will be my best friend. So for the next 5 years Dad, my dd and I were a good team. I renovated/decorated our house, studied for my degree and as my dd had severe skin condition cared for her. It was hard going as she needed bandages changed 3 times through the night etc. I was always so proud that at age 4 thanks to Dad and I she went to school fully literate.

Due to above I wasn't looking for romance. At all!!! But when dd was 3 I got to know a pal of a pal. He was going thru a divorce and mind thinking he really needs a friend - haha - not me!! Over next 2.5y we would talk or go out occasionally. He told me he loved me and wanted us to be tog many times. I always said no. Was scared of getting let down or burned. Sounds daft but always would rather do something for myself however badly than have someone do it for me however well. Plus he was still divorcing. He and wife 1 had been married 16 y. 3 older kids now 25, 24 and 18. He at time had own business, wife 1 was kept woman with 20k pa pocket money. In short they were very affluent compared to most folk I know. When I started to get to know him all that with recession was unravelling. Quickly.

Anyways to cut a long story short we started dating when dd was 5. First 3 y were great. Then the month we were due to marry my Dad died. I was and am devastated. H selfish behaviour I feel was beyond cruel but moreover he is on my dd case all the time, now drinks almost every night, no longer works, has taken 200k worth of debt from marriage1 (thankfully none of it in my name), he studies at college but says that's just to pass the time! Now my Mum is terminally ill too. When he found out his answer which is typical was 'Well my parents will die too one day! '. I work very hard. In 5 years I went from no experience to having my own department and being a specialist in my area. H goes to college only 2 days but it is still my job to do most housework (he does dishwasher, hoovers occasionally, puts in a wash and the bins). Still up to me to sort Xmas/occasions etc. The biggest problem is his lack of empathy, temper and immaturity. I've tried to talk to him but it always ends with a row. I just want out.

[StalwartMind]

Quite a story and a lot you and your daughter have had to endure. It seems like you still have a journey ahead of you but whatever path you must take, is entirely up to you.

 

I do not doubt you are proud of your own accomplishments, as you should be, and I believe you have more things to do and achieve. I shall tread carefully now but this man will do you no good and things will not change. No matter what, you should not put up with this or waste much more of your time in a situation that cause you nothing but grief.

 

While I don't like to say what other people deserve, as that's entirely up to them and how they feel, I will say that no one should waste their brief time on this planet with anyone or anything that does not bring them joy.

 

38 is still so very young and a full life ahead of you granted I could understand you'd want one under circumstances that bring you much more comfort. I don't know how old this man you are with is, and for that matter it's also pretty irrelevant, because lack of empathy, temper and immaturity can be found in people of all ages.

 

I would personally feel awful for letting my significant other have to do all the chores, granted i know some people and in come countries especially, it's very much still considered the standard. I've no problem with people still living in stereotypical roles, but especially in your case, it does not seem to be a very considerate or balanced way of having a relationship. You can do much better than that, and your daughter shouldn't grow up thinking men are like that, even if I'm sure you'll teach her the good values in other people.

 

It's easy to be disappointed by other people and their actions, or should I say their "lack of actions". In the end, we can only really depend and count on ourselves. With that said, I will say that no one should rob themselves of experiencing a good relationship with a man or woman, whom they can rely on, communicate with, trust and so forth. Don't ever let a few bad apples even through the span of many years let you lose hope in humanity or others. There will always be good people out there, even if it at times can feel like they are very well hidden.

 

I think you know what you must do, there is no point in trying to deny your inner feelings, especially when it comes to a partner whom shows very little understanding and empathy. Be brave and do not fear any hardships that may fellow, because like before, you will over come them again.

 

I'm sorry for your loss, your father seemed like a good man and best of thoughts and blessings to your mother, I hope you and your daughter can be the light for her remaining days and that you'll be able to put a smile on her face, despite the difficulties she is facing.

Edited November 23, 2014 by StalwartMind

[Lostgirl50]

I am very sorry for the situation you are in. You have done well for yourself so far. Kiddos to you ! I believe inside you know what is best for your and your daughter. Go with your gut! You are still young and I can hear the unhappiness. Life is short ! You know what ou want - go for it ! Get out of the situation that is making you unhappy. Good luck to you !