I can't seem to be able to let her go

[troubledhusband]

Long story short, my wife of 2 years asked me for a divorce in our first year, doged the bullet and then again she asked me the second year. This time she shoot off, tried to make me move out instead I slept on couches while she was bringing men over our rental apt. Later once she moved out I learned that she dated like 3 guys in 6 weeks and finally landed on a guy that made her take a pregnancy test and an STD test, both negative. Also there is her green card involved which since we're both from the same country it might not have been the reason all along. We're still married but separated living in different apts. nothing of hers is left behind.

 

Now, I am still hung up on her and would like to date her again and try "one last time" before I turn my back and call it quit. I'm not sure why since she hurt me so much.

 

I was thinking of waiting the 6 months or so till her green card is out of the way so that variable won't affect anything between us. As far as I know, she's not interested.

 

Should I, or should I not?

[GirlStillStrong]

I have learned that when someone wants to go, it's best to let them go. It makes no sense to try to be with someone who does not want to be with you. Why would you want someone like that? It's like they say, let go or be dragged. There is just way more to life than trying to make something that doesn't work work.

[Mr. Lucky]

I slept on couches while she was bringing men over our rental apt. Later once she moved out I learned that she dated like 3 guys in 6 weeks and finally landed on a guy that made her take a pregnancy test and an STD test, both negative.

 

After this, why this:

 

Now, I am still hung up on her and would like to date her again and try "one last time"

 

I don't see how she could send you a clearer signal that she's not interested in marriage or commitment. If you go back, anything that happens is on you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubledhusband]

Because of my unrequited love for her and all the lies I've been living.

 

This is the last email I got from her a week ago:

I told u from the beginning - that I don't think we'll get back together. and the way u acted so far - made it even worse.

 

My ex never acted this way - and I slept the same with some guys in short period of time - and he could care less.

 

I do not want to come back to u - to ur f-ed up friends, u being miserable about financial issues, your family. I'm sorry but I do not need any of these.

 

That's how I feel and there is nothing u or I can do about it.

 

I cannot go back to you - and I'm sorry you still love me and hoping for us to get back together.

 

Yes things would've been easier if we were to stay together - but it is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it.

 

I don't love you anymore. I did loved you and I wanted a family, but the most important thing is that you put me down. And I was trying to be ok about it, get over it and then something else happened and again I felt put down.

 

And you shoot yourself down - not wanting to listen to me. And even if you were to listen to me - it's your personality that won't match mine.

 

And I wanted is this marriage to work and I tried and tried to adjust to you until I end up lying to myself that I was ok in this marriage. And one day I realized how miserable I was and that's it.

 

I don't hate you - I don't love you. I only care for you.

 

And like I said before - do what you feel it's right for you.

 

Every time I miss her I keep reading this email and things get easier for me.

[Mr. Lucky]

Because of my unrequited love for her and all the lies I've been living.

 

Then I guess you should define what love, unrequited or not, means to you.

 

Nothing she has done, said or written meets the conventional definition of loving. So what would she have to do to make you not love her ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubledhusband]

I was going through her old gmail account since I own my own domain so I own her email too which now is being forwarded to her new address, not that she uses the old address.

 

Anyhow, since is gmail her phone being an Android synced her notes to her email and a week prior to asking me for the divorce she wrote this fictious letter which I don't think she sent to her ex husband about after seven years she's still in love with him and all he does is to pity her.

 

Is obvious she didn't love me in the end, but I would have never guessed that she never loved me to start with and that she never got over her ex husband.

 

To quote some of the lines from her note:

...

It seems like a pure love,

I have for you.

I wish to know ,

How would it be,

To be in a relationship

With you.

But more I wish

For you to feel

Just 1% of what

I feel for you.

Never it will happen, though.

It's like an unattainable paradise.

Goodbye,

And hopefully in 7 years from now,

I won't feel like this.

I hate you <Mr X husband>,

For all the love I feel for you.

 

The funny part is... it doesn't even affect me anymore as much as I through it might have. I was kind of suspecting she never really had any strong feelings for me. This just clarifies it.

[Mr. Lucky]

You know everything you need to know and you're just torturing yourself by continuing to dig through this stuff. Put her in one place - your rear view mirror...

 

Mr. Lucky

[troubledhusband]

Precisely!!! Up to finding that note I kept thinking that maybe she loved me, maybe I didn't love or showed her my love enough. I now know she never did.

 

And yes, I treated her bad over the years especially when she pushed my buttons to the limit where no one has ever before. That's the only thing I learned from my former marriage, and to be honest I am glad I treated her bad at times because otherwise she will keep having me live in her fantasy world and in her lies.

[troubledhusband]

And still... I still think of her so often.

It's torturing me not letting go of my feelings for her...

 

They should make a pill for this.

Or perhaps one exists. Its called time or new relationship.

 

I hate not being able to concentrate at work because of reminance throughs and not being able to fall asleep trying to contemplate unanswered pointless questions.

 

It still comes and goes in waves. I proposed to her on new years and ever since i wanted to keep proposing to her each new year. I only got to do it twice, this 2015 NYE is gonna kill me...

 

I think I should get therapy. It's been 3 months now...

Edited December 2, 2014 by troubledhusband