A question for the divorced.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I feel compelled to ask, based on the overwhelmingly high number of people on here who have chosen to divorce and "move on."

 

What keeps you here? What keeps you on this site, reading about all the devastation and encouraging others to divorce and move on.

 

I ask, because I think if I DID divorce and move on with my life, the last thing on earth I'd want to do is come to a place like this and relive the horror through the stories of other people.

 

Now, I haven't made that choice, and to be fair, I don't know what I'd ACTUALLY do in that situation, but still the question exists.

 

I see a lot of people on here trying their damndest to make things work, and discussing the challenges of doing so ( myself included ) and I have to admit that the barrage of people suggesting that I (we) throw in the towel has made me question whether this is the right type of place to seek support.

 

But maybe if I understood your intentions I'd see things differently.

[jm2013]

I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I feel compelled to ask, based on the overwhelmingly high number of people on here who have chosen to divorce and "move on."

 

What keeps you here? What keeps you on this site, reading about all the devastation and encouraging others to divorce and move on.

 

I ask, because I think if I DID divorce and move on with my life, the last thing on earth I'd want to do is come to a place like this and relive the horror through the stories of other people.

 

Now, I haven't made that choice, and to be fair, I don't know what I'd ACTUALLY do in that situation, but still the question exists.

 

I see a lot of people on here trying their damndest to make things work, and discussing the challenges of doing so ( myself included ) and I have to admit that the barrage of people suggesting that I (we) throw in the towel has made me question whether this is the right type of place to seek support.

 

But maybe if I understood your intentions I'd see things differently.

 

I'm not divorced but I have a theory on it. This doesn't go away.. I think there are two things here that they hold one to. I'm pretty sure most of the people who have divorced over infidelity carry around the anger, disgust and all the other feelings that go with infidelity around with them probably until they die. Even if they've entered a new relationship. I would guess most have moved on to new wives and relationships and find themselves here to explain their stories and reassure people like your and me that life still goes on after a divorce. From what I've seen they all mostly say the same things. Initially it stings. But like everything else, things seem to always get into their own rhythm in due time. That's just my 2 cents.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I see this thread has been moved. Sorry if I posted in the wrong place. But to be clear, I am directing my question to the divorced people who frequent the Infidelity Forum.

[Allumere]

I came to LS as a result of breakups, not my divorce or my ex's infidelities at the time. Of course as I read through the site and had been down that road I figured I might as well try and turn some of that BS I experienced into some tulips. It is part of me, who I now am so I have no issue discussing. I have no agenda, just call things as I see them based on what information a person provides.

 

Honestly if I had leveraged online resources earlier in my marriage which would have aligned with what my gut said verses my heart, I would have saved myself a tremendous amount of pain and energy.

[William]

I see this thread has been moved. Sorry if I posted in the wrong place. But to be clear, I am directing my question to the divorced people who frequent the Infidelity Forum.

Please read the threads at the top of those forums for more information. Normally, such a general question would be placed in GRD even if infidelity was mentioned because it's not about *your* affair or that of a spouse. As the thread was primarily regarding divorce, it's in S&D. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

I came to LS as a result of breakups, not my divorce or my ex's infidelities at the time. Of course as I read through the site and had been down that road I figured I might as well try and turn some of that BS I experienced into some tulips. It is part of me, who I now am so I have no issue discussing. I have no agenda, just call things as I see them based on what information a person provides.

 

Honestly if I had leveraged online resources earlier in my marriage which would have aligned with what my gut said verses my heart, I would have saved myself a tremendous amount of pain and energy.

^^^^^ This.

 

I made a ton of mistakes in my divorce years ago and, now happily remarried, am in a place where I enjoy helping others avoid those same missteps...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

First of all, LS isn't JUST for disgruntled men and women nor is it ONLY about the sad and ugly parts of people's relationships. Perhaps that's all YOU see at the moment based on your challenging circumstances but that is certainly NOT the whole picture. There are plenty of threads that are positive and uplifting and have nothing to do with relationships.

 

Second, I am a divorced woman and I come here with an arsenal of personal experiences and knowledge I think some people might value and appreciate. Unlike some people on here or in real life who offer up advice, I have done my due diligence with years of therapy and counselling both marriage and personal AND (most importantly) have done the hard work one needs to do to pull themselves up and out of darkness to become a much more enlightened, happy and peaceful human being. It's one thing to receive jaded advice from people who are still walking around with gaping wounds from past hurts and another to hear from people who have actually been healed by their experiences. That is who I am and that is where I speak from.

 

Everyone comes here for different reasons. Sometimes it's as simple as misery loving company and sometimes it's knowing you're not alone in your sadness that makes all the difference in the world. Some people are seekers, others are advisers and some do both. Many just read while others choose to post and/or respond. That's just how online forums work.

 

Online public forums aren't for everyone especially when you aren't ready to hear the ugly truth about things. Honesty can be brutal especially when it's anonymous. Just because you don't like the answers doesn't necessarily mean they're wrong.

 

At the end of the day, go with your gut. If you don't feel comfortable on here or enjoy the conversations and advice then don't join but I would caution you into thinking that it's different anywhere else.

 

If you're struggling with relationship issues and/or at a crossroads in your life, regardless of whether public forums are good or bad, I will ALWAYS recommend some kind of therapy or counselling. Seeking professional help is one path that should always be considered.

[Arieswoman]

Trustedthenbusted,

 

I agree with Mr Lucky,

 

I came to LS by pure chance and had a look around.

 

I was cheated on and divorced years ago, and wished there had been a site like this available then, where I could feel safe to kick ideas around and get feedback. There wasn't, so I learned a lot of stuff the hard way.

 

I made a lot of mistakes both during my marriage and afterwards when I started dating again. I made mistakes because of naivity and ignorance of life and because I didn't have anyone I could turn to for unbiased advice.

 

I hope that my experience will help others not fall into the same traps.

 

If I can stop one person experiencing all the pain and disappointment I felt those years ago, then my time here will have been worth it.

[Woggle]

I had some serious anger towards the opposite sex in the aftermath of my divorce and I googled something and ended up here. It has helped me move past a lot of that anger.

[M30USA]

Some people like to give others hope. That's why they hang around here after they've moved on. Otherwise we'd have no feedback from people who've made it to the other side.

[AffairsRBad]

I hope this doesn't come off the wrong way, but I feel compelled to ask, based on the overwhelmingly high number of people on here who have chosen to divorce and "move on."

 

What keeps you here? What keeps you on this site, reading about all the devastation and encouraging others to divorce and move on.

 

I ask, because I think if I DID divorce and move on with my life, the last thing on earth I'd want to do is come to a place like this and relive the horror through the stories of other people.

 

Now, I haven't made that choice, and to be fair, I don't know what I'd ACTUALLY do in that situation, but still the question exists.

 

I see a lot of people on here trying their damndest to make things work, and discussing the challenges of doing so ( myself included ) and I have to admit that the barrage of people suggesting that I (we) throw in the towel has made me question whether this is the right type of place to seek support.

 

But maybe if I understood your intentions I'd see things differently.

 

I have not divorced yet. I'm separated for a few months now, though I find myself throwing in the towel and divorcing on fault grounds because I fortunately live in a state that allows me to do so.

 

In terms of why am I here still? I actually never used this site for the benefit of my situation. I realize though that if I knew of the site and used it, I would have benefited greatly from the use as people here are wonderful for the most part.

 

As my handle suggests, I am one of many who had the unfortunate and devastating experience of being cheated on. It took about a year, but I finally reached a peaceful state of mind about the experience that I'm comfortable with sharing the insights and experiences with others who may have just experienced the trauma. I felt that I can offer help to those who may need it, while I also learn and continue my own journey of life in the aftermath of an affair from those who can offer their unique perspective and experience.

 

In terms of whether or not to throw in the towel and divorce, that is a choice that no one can decide for you (well maybe your spouse can since most divorces can happen just by one party). However, no matter what choice you choose, there are people who wish you well and actually have experience themselves in that dilemma. So many stories I read I find myself relating to as I was there not too long ago. I've gone through the cycle of questioning "Why Me", wanting that person back, wishing that you can change the past, accepting that they will do what they will do. The whole gamut of feelings are not as unique as we think them to be.

[dichotomy]

I have been cheated on in marriages, divorced and remarried, and so much more. Been down a lot of hard roads. This is a place to learn, and share knowledge.

 

Also LS is more than just about adultery or divorce.... and so am I. Its a community, and I sometimes like to put aside these two issues - and learn and share in the many other sections here form exercise and health, coping with other things, work and family, general sexuality. I have learned so much from the folks here in all these areas and sections (the sex section in particular has been enlightening ) .

 

However, I will admit sometimes feeling a bit stirred up over the adultery issues in that section of the board, because it is so strong a hurt for those of us who have been through it. Sometimes people here have left or taken a break because it can keep you in a certain mood - especially if your trying to heal either staying in your marriage, or not. I wish I had found this place at the end of my first marriage.

Edited November 2, 2014 by dichotomy

[kjohn]

I am divorced and my divorce was the result of my exH's infidelity.

 

But, I found LS years after my divorce when I was seeking advice for my new relationship.

 

I discovered that since I had married at 22, had been with my ex since age 20 and was 36 when I got divorced, I had NO IDEA how to be in a dating relationship. In the beginning I was trying to apply the rules of marriage to my relationship with my BF. Turns out, that doesn't work so well, so I felt that I had to educate myself and seek advice from others who had more experience than I did.

 

I stay here, because I stills sometimes have questions of my own and I also feel that my experience may benefit others who are going through something similar to what I went through.

 

I think the reason so many who are divorced seem to encourage ending a relationship is simply for the fact that when you are in it, you don't see it. When you have lived through it, you recognize it a mile away.

 

I tried desperately to save my marriage. It is never an easy decision to divorce. It's brutal. But sometimes, people look back on how much time they wasted on a losing battle and they don't want to see somebody else make the same mistakes and waste the same amount of time they did.

 

Personally, I try to stay the Hell away from the infidelity forum because reading some of those stories truly pisses me off! Even before I ever dreamed that I would be cheated on, infidelity has always sickened me. It still does.

 

I feel for the people who were cheated on, but still feel a strong desire to save their marriage. I get it. For me, personally that wasn't even an option since he looked right at my face and told me he didn't love me anymore and that he loved her. But if you were cheated on and your spouse shows remorse and wants to work things out, that is your choice to make and everyone has to do what is best for them.

 

I just can't stomach the stories of the AP's who are crying because the relationship is not going the way they had hoped. They get no sympathy from me since they chose to get on that boat and ignored the fact that it had a giant hole in it!

[TheBladeRunner]

I get where you are coming from OP and I have wondered the same thing" "Why DO I hang around here"? I don't spend as much time as I used to here, but I still like to see what's up and help others as others have helped me.