Rachy85 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for six. We have for ten years dedicated ourselves to "the next step" which was always financial and education based. We obtained our undergrad and graduate degrees (him- PhD, me- MSW) I have followed him across the country and have tried numerous times to engage in marriage therapy to work out the differences and disconnect. I truly believe we just grew up and grew apart, which is natural considering these ten years I was 19-29. We have been through a lot together and I do love him very much. He has been an amazing provider and has so many wonderful qualities. We come from very different backgrounds and childhoods. He had more of a stable, healthy and loving family (educated, married, hard working, loving, values etc.) and I grew up in foster homes and was emancipated at 12. Long story short, I struggled with everything I ever had, and he had countless blessings. I am constantly trying to compromise on what our differences are, finding new things to do together and respecting the differences. I know we have had a lot of turbulence and separation for trying to achieve our goals. He being older always graduated before me and left and I followed. Last year, my final year of grad school, he left from NH to TX to take a high paying job, even though we were doing great where we were and bought a home. Ok, so this was hard but "for our future", I was to graduate, pack and sell the home and follow him to TX. I did this. It was a very hard transition for me. We grew even more apart in that year, but I take my vows seriously and have dreams of our family. I don't pretend to not know the major character clashing and problems, but I am dedicated to working them out. I have faith. For the past two months, he has declined all attempts to fix us. He has said DIVORCE multiple times. He said he can only give me a day-to-day feeling, as in I need to live every 24 hours having him flip flop on wanting the marriage or wanting a divorce. I cannot live like that. It is unstructured and leaves me anxiety ridden and depressed. I have been given job offers in TX and in NH. He asked me to turn them both down and focus on my depression and us, as he makes more than enough money to do so. I take him up on this offer and decline all offers to save our marriage. He reneged 48 hours later. It is amicable still, but I am very frustrated and confused. I don't have any family and don't want to lose this...but what am I supposed to do?! He said I shouldn't have faith or feel secure but he isn't kicking me out...and the offer in NH actually still stands but I need to start and move in a week if I take it! I am seeing a therapist, I have contacted a lawyer because he has been the gate keeper with money and I have no source of income...I just don't know what to do! Do I stay in uncertainty because I am afraid, alone, sad, hopeful...or do I leave everything behind? Do I hunker down and commit or let him let me go? I just don't know what to do!! My therapist thinks it would be mentally detrimental to quickly leave and start over while my emotions are damaged...and friends have different views...so I am reaching out to the unknown people who may read this as they may have more of an objective opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
Lovelike Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Leave. Leave now. This man sounds controlling and seems to get off manipulating you. I'm not sure why your therapist would advise you not to leave but it seems this man is bad for your health. Consult a lawyer now. Don't worry about the money. I'm sure you're entitled to something from your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I would not look at anything as a final decision, in the sense that you could move to NH, take up a job and enjoy it - be sad for the separation, but liberated that you're using the education you worked so hard for in a job I hope you would enjoy and get pleasure from. He can then figure out what he wants, while missing your presence, or the control that he seems to exert over you. Meanwhile, you will be building your own life. Nothing is ever final though - so making the decision to move to NH and treating it like "that's it" in your head will of course make it too difficult to bear. If a marriage is meant to survive, it takes the positive actions of BOTH parties - you can't carry it for the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachy85 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Thank you...he was never ever the controlling or manipulative type...he always wanted an equal partnership although it was never quite equal...not financially anyway. He managed all finances and I just worked and had my paycheck (significantly less btw) deposited into the joint acct then he managed it from there. I did talk to a lawyer who said he is not allowed to cut me off from communal resources prior to or after filing because if he did so before the judge would almost immediately rule in my favor given the circumstances, and if he did after it would be in violation of the order in which once you file a divorce petition NO money can be moved, no communal property can be moved at all. I do have an entitlement to one equal half of everything accrued during the marriage. He wants to offer me 10k to get on my feet, and said he would pay off my car and remaining school debt...his net worth is 300k and he is offering me 34k...I am not the money seeking vindictive type, but feel if your going to take away my security of a family and a home and everything I have known for my adult life thus far, perhaps I need the security blanked of some funds given I have no other resources or family...idk... I hate even thinking of all of this, because all I want is my marriage, family, a home, all the things we worked for and I was patient and supportive with.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rachy85 Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 security blanket* And I agree it takes TWO to make it work, and if we are meant to be we can survive anything... I know that entering the unknown when your life is turned upside down can be very scary, but also exciting...its just hard and I get down on myself with the family component. I know I am not the first one, and won't be the last, and my heart goes out to anyone and everyone who has gone through this...esp if they have kids... I am just sad and self defeating and need to be strong...I just keep thinking my big pay out for having a father abandon me, an insanity abusive mother, emancipation at 12, foster homes, states care, working 3 jobs at 16-18, just everything I have gone through, I always felt BLESSED to have married into a large wonderful family that made all my hardship worth it...to now lose that too...I know I am self defeating and not remembering my own worth or independence as a survivor...I just feel betrayed! Link to post Share on other sites
Decisiontomake Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am just sad and self defeating and need to be strong...I just keep thinking my big pay out for having a father abandon me, an insanity abusive mother, emancipation at 12, foster homes, states care, working 3 jobs at 16-18, just everything I have gone through, I always felt BLESSED to have married into a large wonderful family that made all my hardship worth it...to now lose that too...I know I am self defeating and not remembering my own worth or independence as a survivor...I just feel betrayed! To have got the life you have, and the education you have, you have done an amazing job of overcoming your beginnings. YOU have done that, no one else. That is inspirational. I would definitely suggest you get yourself into IC so that you can talk about this and find some tools to independence, which will serve you well whether in or out of your marriage. EDIT - I see you have a therapist - sorry - keep that up for sure. Therapists should not offer opinion though - only help you work through your own decision. Link to post Share on other sites
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