momto3boys Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 My STBXH emailed me after being served with divorce papers saying he found something online where we can get divorced for 300 dollars and we dont have to go into the court house. For one, i think thats a scam. I dont want to do that even if its not a scam which im sure it is. We have 3 children together. He left me and our kids and i really want to get everything im entitled to. Ive lost so much due to him not paying for 5 months. I had to move and also downgrade from a house to a 2 bedroom apartment. I was a stay at home mom for 7 years and now i am working full time while being a single mom of 4 kids. (my oldest is by a previous relationship). Anyways he called me every name in the book because hes angry that i want a lawyer. Why is this?! Whats he so mad about?? He wanted the divorce. He has a new 20 year old girlfriend that is "so great", I filed even though i did not want a divorce. Im giving him exactly what he wants. Did he really think that we'd divorce and not get lawyers and go into the court house?! Why would i be nice about the divorce? Hes screwed me every way possible, and hes verbally,mentally and emotionally abusive. He has shown me no respect! we have been separated only 6 months and hes already dating. Ive had enough, like i said i just want what i am entitled to (child support, custody, my car in just my name, etc). I just dont get why he is so angry. i thought hed be happy that he got the divorce papers and we are finally going through with this. We have been together almost 8 years and this is the 2nd time we have separated. Also 2nd woman he has dated within the marriage. Youd think hed be happy to get it over with! He has a good amount of money from his GI bill and having 2 jobs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Day.One Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Fk him. Cover your a$$! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author momto3boys Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Thats what i am doing. The things he called me and said to me cut deep into my heart, ive never been so hurt in my life. The lack of respect he has for me is really sad. This all started once he got that girlfriend. Before we got along. I am trying to kill him with kindness. I am not trying to screw him over, im not even asking for alimony or anything,i just want our verbal agreements on paper about child support and visitation. Ever since this gf he has been threatening not to pay child support. i dont want to live in fear i wont have the extra money to pay my rent. Link to post Share on other sites
Day.One Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 On the bright side, you get to screw him one last time... Edit. Hang on! Please rethink this. i'm not even asking for alimony or anything He has a good amount of money from his GI bill and having 2 jobs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Who cares if he's angry that you want an attorney? Tough titties. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Fk him. Cover your a$$! All I saw is your user name and the title....didn't even bother to read this post and the quote above is EXACTLY what I would say! Cover yer' butt OP! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Those non-lawyer divorces can be fine for people with no children and no assets, or even people with children who agree on the terms and are great co-parents. But I agree that's not advisable for someone in your shoes. At this point, it's all about your three children. Kudos to you on being a good, hardworking mom. Now time to really put yourself in their shoes, contact any child or family therapists if possible and find out what is the best thing for them. And that's not gonna be a contentious, angry divorce battle. You can't help it if your H gets angry and contentious, but you can probably take steps to protect your children from the battle, and you can behave like a rational adult even if he's not. It might come down to letting your lawyer handle as much as possible. And you can still request things like spousal support and child support, without being the least bit unkind. Lots of people agree on those things-- it's not your fault if your H is mad that he might owe them. But you're not going to be able to use the court system to get any kind of payback for his cheating on you-- however much you were wronged. You don't have the luxury of seeking vengeance on an enemy, because you have something better: Three sons. Find out what the law says that your husband owes you (and the laws are set in place for policy reasons, mostly to ensure the wellbeing of the children and to make sure that spouses like you aren't hosed later for giving up careers to support the other one's career). When you find out from your lawyer what the law says your husband likely owes you and your children, ask for it. Don't even worry about his reaction. The fact that he doesn't like you having a lawyer tells me that he's a paper tiger. It may be that your H is totally overwhelmed and can't handle dealing with all this. He may ultimately settle-- I have friends who have paid a mediator/lawyer to settle their divorce case. There's some room in between the $300 divorce and a full-blown trial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author momto3boys Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm not seeking revenge or anything, I actually think I'm being fair. He's making me feel like I'm being a b*tch just because I want a lawyer. Now he's threatening not to pay me anything. I just don't understand why he thinks I won't get a lAwyer specially after all the threats of not paying for anything anymore. He even pays my cell phone bill and said he's taking that away too and going me a prepaid phone instead of my iPhone that I've had for years. I'm just trying to make sense of why he's so angry because he is the one who wanted the divorce. He's known all along I was going to get a lawyer I've told him. He's told me since he left that he's willing to pay thousands to "get rid of me" so now he's got it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Yep, like a little boy throwing a tantrum Been there done that and got the t-shirt. Don't let him bully you into dropping a lawyer. Sounds like you need one, to ensure you get exactly what you are entitled to. Let him, rant, rave and throw his toys out of the pram. Thats his problem not yours. Wish you luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 All I saw is your user name and the title....didn't even bother to read this post and the quote above is EXACTLY what I would say! Cover yer' butt OP! Same here. Who gives 2 short ships what he thinks? Print and save all of the emails he sends to you, but don't reply. Some might suggest handing them to your lawyer but I wouldn't bother at this stage, it will just cost you lawyer fees to read them, for no real benefit. But, they may be useful later. Don't try to make sense of his actions, it will drive you crazy! You can't make sense of irrational actions, you can only respond to them in a sane and sensible way. Which normally, is following the advice of your lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Here's the thing to remember. What he thinks and how he behaves ? No longer your problem. He hasn't been treating you equitably since you've separated, and you need to take care of yourself and your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm not seeking revenge or anything, I actually think I'm being fair. Buck up mt3b, keep on being fair as much as you can, don't fall to his rage and nastiness. He is so angry because he is not the one who decide everything anymore, not the only one that seems to have a bright future anymore. You are taking control, you are showing him your strength, and he begins to see it all. Don't let the trivial thing of a phone bill or iPhone to dent your resolve. They are all mere threats, to cluttered you down. Show him your wits. He takes one thing, then you persevere and get over it in another way, and you will still be fine and galloping forward. You will definitely have that chance to start a new life, and it will be so much worth it especially if you conduct it all with grace and fairness right from the beginning. Keep that optimism playing inside your mind, the hardship and struggle that you are facing now is well within your capability to overcome. Repeating D.O and BH's liners above, "Fk him off. Cover your a$$!" and "Tough titties". You can get through this. Keep on working with your lawyer. Be careful and patient. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 He's angry because of losing control, and fear... he should get a lawyer himself who can help him see through the process. The $300 divorce are not a scam but they are for people who have a) good communication b) simple divorces with no child or major assets. Stick to your guns and limit communication with him to the essential (ideally just through your respective lawyers once you both get one). One important point I want to make after the first few comments - the lawyer is not there to help you "screw him over" or "take him to the cleaner", he is there to ensure things are done fairly and legally. Yes they cost a lot and it sucks but the agreement they will put in place is going to last until your children's are grown up so it's worth getting it right the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Part of the fog of an affair is the unrealistic delusion that he will be able to just step into his new life without any effort, expense or aggravation. This is a total delusion. Real world divorces involve expense, hassle and effort. You are obligated to protect yourself and your children. You are under no obligation to protect him from that expense and hassle. You have the right to pursue all that you are legally entitled to and that means getting your own lawyer to advocate for your rights. He has the right to pursue all that he is legally entitled to as well. If he chooses to try to do that without representation, that is his call and his risk but he has no right (in fact it is probably illegal) to hamper your efforts to seek representation or try to hamper your rights to pursue what you are legally entitled to. He is trying to walk away and step into his new life without getting any dirt on his hands or shoes. You have no reason to support his delusional and unrealistic fantasies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 Here's the thing to remember. What he thinks and how he behaves ? No longer your problem. He hasn't been treating you equitably since you've separated, and you need to take care of yourself and your kids. Yep. Carrying what the other person thinks and trying to work with them to accomplished shared goals is what being married is. Once divorce has been declared, the others persons opinions do not matter. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 My STBXH emailed me after being served with divorce papers saying he found something online where we can get divorced for 300 dollars and we dont have to go into the court house. For one, i think thats a scam. I dont want to do that even if its not a scam which im sure it is. We have 3 children together. He left me and our kids and i really want to get everything im entitled to. Ive lost so much due to him not paying for 5 months. I had to move and also downgrade from a house to a 2 bedroom apartment. I was a stay at home mom for 7 years and now i am working full time while being a single mom of 4 kids. (my oldest is by a previous relationship). Anyways he called me every name in the book because hes angry that i want a lawyer. Why is this?! Whats he so mad about?? He wanted the divorce. He has a new 20 year old girlfriend that is "so great", I filed even though i did not want a divorce. Im giving him exactly what he wants. Did he really think that we'd divorce and not get lawyers and go into the court house?! Why would i be nice about the divorce? Hes screwed me every way possible, and hes verbally,mentally and emotionally abusive. He has shown me no respect! we have been separated only 6 months and hes already dating. Ive had enough, like i said i just want what i am entitled to (child support, custody, my car in just my name, etc). I just dont get why he is so angry. i thought hed be happy that he got the divorce papers and we are finally going through with this. We have been together almost 8 years and this is the 2nd time we have separated. Also 2nd woman he has dated within the marriage. Youd think hed be happy to get it over with! He has a good amount of money from his GI bill and having 2 jobs. He's angry because he thought he was in control and could give you the bare minimum. He's pissed because you lawyered up! Good for you! you need to protect yourself and your kids since he doesn't care about anybody but himself. He doesn't want to part with his good amount of money! Boo hoo, too bad so sad! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author momto3boys Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 thanks for the advice everyone. I am starting to not feel as bad about getting a lawyer now. I asked for our verbal agreements in writing and he has refused to do so that is the main reason i got a lawyer. Now that he is with this girl he keeps saying he "doesnt want to pay for his ex for the rest of his life". He isnt paying for me, hes paying for his kids. I can no longer ask for anything from him anymore (diapers, wipes) since this girl because he keeps saying "this better not be an all the time thing". Our verbal agreement is that he pays my rent and cell phone. I pay everything else (that includes child care, etc). Its really a mess. I have done my share of being mean to him. I have been mean to him until recently when i filed. I do feel more empowered by having a lawyer and filing. This is the 2nd time hes left and everytime he leaves he ends up getting a girlfriend right away and treating me like dirt. He rushes things with these girls too. I am done with the way he treats me. I am just done. I was mean to him because i was hurt, i wanted to hurt him like hes hurt me, but now like i said im so done that im over it and am actually able to be nice to him because im starting to realize what hes doing is pretty much an excuse to cheat on me. Leaving me to go be with a girl then comes back. Im putting a stop to it now. I feel better now though by being nice to him. I know im doing the right thing and being the bigger person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author momto3boys Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 oh yeah, hes got a ton of money, 2 jobs and a GI bill. He just bought himself a brand new wardrobe and got his truck a new paint job, 2 pairs of 160 sun glasses. (he tells me how much this stuff costs). Here i am barely able to pay for diapers and wipes and gas and toilet paper, etc. My lawyer said she thinks i could get atleast 1500 from him. Why should we down grade and go without? He sure isnt! Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I asked for our verbal agreements in writing and he has refused to do so that is the main reason i got a lawyer. Now that he is with this girl he keeps saying he "doesnt want to pay for his ex for the rest of his life". He isnt paying for me, hes paying for his kids. I can no longer ask for anything from him anymore (diapers, wipes) since this girl because he keeps saying "this better not be an all the time thing". Our verbal agreement is that he pays my rent and cell phone. I pay everything else (that includes child care, etc). . He is in a fog and is delusional in thinking you and the kids just go away once he starts screwing a 20 year old. You are legally entitled to approx 50% of the marital assets and both of you are obligated to provide support and care for the children. You are dumb to not seek what you are legally entitled to and he is delusional to think that he won't be held accountable to his his obligations. Don't be dumb by buying in to his delusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author momto3boys Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 im definitely not dumb enough to not get a lawyer. Im trying to get as much for my kids as i can. Its not fair he is living the high life while my kids and i are suffering and have down graded from a house to an apartment and my kids go without yet hes got money to buy all these new clothes and pant his truck, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'm so sorry, that's so difficult. I can't begin to imagine the hurt that you are feeling. Have you considered trying to find a counselor or therapist as you are navigating this situation? It may be helpful for you to have someone to talk to. Keep your chin up. Blessings, friend! ~ the brie's cheese knees ~ Link to post Share on other sites
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