Estranged wife confronted OW - the fallout

[elgringo]

My wife and I separated about 6 months ago. During the separation i started dating someone else and my wife knew about her. OW and I broke things off about 6 weeks ago due to emotional baggage issues. But we left things open - we would remain friends and see what happened. During this time, I asked STBX if she would consider going to marriage counseling with me. We have 2 children and I thought I should make one last effort to reconcile with her. She said no.

 

So last week my STBX and I were at a meeting where the OW works and STBX confronts OW. STBX told me she was going to do it. I asked her not to but she did it anyway.The following day, OW texts me and I apologized for STBX's behavior and we ended up reconnecting and hung out a few times. Today OW and i go on a nice hike. STBX had told OW that i was trying to get back together with her. OW asks me if this is true. I said that i had asked STBX to go to marriage counseling after OW and I stopped dating, for the sake of my daughters. I tried to assure OW that I will not pursue trying to reconcile with STBX, but she doesn't believe me now and doesn't want to see me anymore romantically. She says we both have too much drama in our lives right now. She has an ex husband who is a total jerk and makes her upset, and my STBX likes to stir up trouble. So obviously I can see her point of view, and I am going to leave her alone, but I wonder if I have totally blown it with this woman. I really like her and am attracted to her and we have fun together. Obviously it doesn't help that I'm still married. I know that this bothers OW. She says she would be more comfortable dating me once I"m divorced, but that will be another 6 months at least. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Side note: STBX says that she want to be friends with me and wants me to be happy. If this is the case, what is her motive for confronting OW and telling her I am trying to get back together with her? Its confusing. I haven't mentioned this to STBX because she loves drama and i dont want to feed the fire.

Edited October 25, 2014 by elgringo

[Sassy Girl]

Your STBX is jealous and emotionally controlling. Sh doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. You need to cut her out of your life. Kids and finances only.

[elgringo]

Your STBX is jealous and emotionally controlling. Sh doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. You need to cut her out of your life. Kids and finances only.

 

I agree. I have told her to only contact me if its something about the kids, but she keeps saying she wants us to be friends. Its annoying.

[BeingMe]

Oh I'm laughing so hard here :laugh:

 

You cheat. You break it off with OW, but leave the door open so she can be a back-up plan. Then you ask your W to consider reconciliation/MC. When she says no, you go back to OW.

 

Meanwhile W tells OW that you tried to get back with her. OW is pissed & dumps you.

 

Hil-ar-i-ous

 

 

You're putting all the blame on your W? If you hadn't cheated & then tried to reconcile while keeping it secret from OW, you wouldn't be in this mess.

 

All your W did was to tell the truth. Her motivation isn't important, you're just pissed that you lost both of them and want someone else to blame.

 

Truth is, it's all a result of your own choices.

 

Beep, beep...is that the karma bus that I hear?

[elgringo]

Oh I'm laughing so hard here :laugh:

 

You cheat. You break it off with OW, but leave the door open so she can be a back-up plan. Then you ask your W to consider reconciliation/MC. When she says no, you go back to OW.

 

Meanwhile W tells OW that you tried to get back with her. OW is pissed & dumps you.

 

Hil-ar-i-ous

 

 

You're putting all the blame on your W? If you hadn't cheated & then tried to reconcile while keeping it secret from OW, you wouldn't be in this mess.

 

All your W did was to tell the truth. Her motivation isn't important, you're just pissed that you lost both of them and want someone else to blame.

 

Truth is, it's all a result of your own choices.

 

Beep, beep...is that the karma bus that I hear?

 

Well Im glad my pain brightened your day. Im not saying im blameless at all. I made lots of poor choices. If you care, here is the background on why I left my wife.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/456665-wife-wants-divorce-if-i-cancel-adoption

 

She is a controlling, manipulative bully. She told everyone in town that I am bisexual (this is a lie). She threatened to divorce me if i cancelled the adoption she had bullied me into agreeing to and generally made me miserable. I tried to get wife to agree to marriage counseling before I left, and she refused to go. Actually she made 2 appointments but cancelled them at the last minute. When I approached her about going to counseling recently, I was feeling guilty about the suffering my daughters were going through and I felt like i should try. She was not interested. I dont think i did anything wrong to do this as OW and I were not dating at the time.

[Georgia2014]

You shouldn't have been dating even though you are separated. You couldn't wait six little months to date? Put your self in the woman's place. Would you want to date a married woman who is only separated?

 

I honestly can't blame your wife not wanting to work things out with you since she knows about your OW.

Edited October 25, 2014 by Georgia2014

[BeingMe]

OK, maybe I was a bit harsh, but you did start dating her basically as soon as you separated, so I suspect OW had something to do with it all.

 

Seriously, if you date while you're still married this is a risk you take. And if you're not completely honest and open (volunteering information, not just waiting to be asked) with your partner(s), you're just asking for trouble

 

If your W really is as controlling etc as you say (and bear in mind people look for fault in their partner when they want to get with someone else), then surely you need to get some counselling to help you get over it and to help you avoid making similar choices in a partner in the future? I'd also be very wary of anyone who wanted to date someone who is still married...emotionally healthy people do not date married people.

 

Take sometime to recover from your marriage and get to like being on your own without needing a partner in your life.

Edited October 25, 2014 by BeingMe

[road]

My wife and I separated about 6 months ago. During the separation i started dating someone else and my wife knew about her. OW and I broke things off about 6 weeks ago due to emotional baggage issues. But we left things open - we would remain friends and see what happened. During this time, I asked STBX if she would consider going to marriage counseling with me. We have 2 children and I thought I should make one last effort to reconcile with her. She said no.

 

So last week my STBX and I were at a meeting where the OW works and STBX confronts OW. STBX told me she was going to do it. I asked her not to but she did it anyway.The following day, OW texts me and I apologized for STBX's behavior and we ended up reconnecting and hung out a few times. Today OW and i go on a nice hike. STBX had told OW that i was trying to get back together with her. OW asks me if this is true. I said that i had asked STBX to go to marriage counseling after OW and I stopped dating, for the sake of my daughters. I tried to assure OW that I will not pursue trying to reconcile with STBX, but she doesn't believe me now and doesn't want to see me anymore romantically. She says we both have too much drama in our lives right now. She has an ex husband who is a total jerk and makes her upset, and my STBX likes to stir up trouble. So obviously I can see her point of view, and I am going to leave her alone, but I wonder if I have totally blown it with this woman. I really like her and am attracted to her and we have fun together. Obviously it doesn't help that I'm still married. I know that this bothers OW. She says she would be more comfortable dating me once I"m divorced, but that will be another 6 months at least. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Side note: STBX says that she want to be friends with me and wants me to be happy. If this is the case, what is her motive for confronting OW and telling her I am trying to get back together with her? Its confusing. I haven't mentioned this to STBX because she loves drama and i dont want to feed the fire.

 

 

 

Confucius says married men date women that are not their wife think they do not have enough problems in their life.

[ComingInHot]

Thing is, if your not single but your dating others, it's wrong and hurtful unless all parties agree prior.

My D isn't finalized yet ergo I am not dating others because I am not single. I have dates on my calendar for when my D is final HOWEVER if that date of D is pushed out, so then will I reschedule my dates with the others.

Simple. Honest. No harm done.

Happy*

CiH

[Mystery2Me]

Darling you are cake eating!!!! Man up...divorce to pursue the new relationship. OR pursue an honest effort to renew a relationship with your wife.

 

I'm wishing you the best, life is far too short for this drama.

[MuddyRock]

Honestly from reading your last post you linked, I totally get where your wife is coming from.

 

You BOTH started the process to adopt a child, she got attached to that child. THEN after taking on an affair partner you don't want the third child so you can happily future fake with the OW.

 

Now that its reality you don't want it. Your wife had every right to tell that OW you were trying to work things out. You are cake eating.

 

I think you have rewritten your marital history to make is sound like your wife was blackmailing you when that's not really the case at all.

[elgringo]

Honestly from reading your last post you linked, I totally get where your wife is coming from.

 

You BOTH started the process to adopt a child, she got attached to that child. THEN after taking on an affair partner you don't want the third child so you can happily future fake with the OW.

 

Now that its reality you don't want it. Your wife had every right to tell that OW you were trying to work things out. You are cake eating.

 

I think you have rewritten your marital history to make is sound like your wife was blackmailing you when that's not really the case at all.

 

It was wrong for me to get involved with OW. I cant deny that. But the truth is that i asked my wife to go to marriage counseling before i moved out. She wouldnt go. She did make two appointments and then canceled them. I am not rewriting my marital history. I only agreed to the adoption after months of relentless pressure and her saying that we weren't going to make it if i didn't go along with her plan. It was very manipulative. And she did threaten to blackmail me with emails she claimed she had between OW and myself, which at the time was just an EA. She was practically pushing me out the door with her antics and threats. That is the truth. I asked her to consider marriage counseling recently because i see the toll the separation is taking on my daughters. My wife is still extremely angry about the adoption being canceled and the OW. Which i cant really blame her for. She will NEVER forgive me. Its hard to explain how stressful that time was for both of us, and things happened in the heat of the moment that changed things forever and cant be undone. I believe that if the adoption thing hadnt happened, we would still be together. But too much has happened now and we have both lost alot of respect for each other.

[bathtub-row]

I don't think you've blown it with this OW. It sounds like the two of you might end up having a good thing going but you both need to spend time cleaning up your lives right now. 6 mos may seem like a long time but if the two of you really have something, that's no time, really.

 

I personally don't think it's that big of a deal to date while you're separated if you fully intend to divorce your spouse, and if you're upfront with the person(s) you date. I don't think it's a great idea to date at that time, but I think calling it cheating is a stretch if you're actually separated. In my mind, if I walk out the door, it's just paperwork after that. However, you weren't really sure about ending your marriage so it was probably a bad move. Well, it's usually a bad move to get involved with anyone too quickly after a relationship ends but when did any of us ever listen to that? Me included. Lol. Still, that's not about being married or not, it's about giving yourself some time to wind down from the previous relationship.

 

Hey, don't beat yourself up. If you can spend time with the OW and stay friends with her, then do that. Don't get sexually involved, though, because that really complicates things and creates expectations. Just get to know one another, help each other through the tough stuff, and figure out if you really like each other.

 

Btw, I wouldn't classify her as the OW. It's not like the two of you were sneaking around while you were still living with your wife. You were separated and, as far as I'm concerned, it's all bets off.

 

Good luck!

Edited October 29, 2014 by bathtub-row

[beach]

Have you learned anything? I hope so.

 

Do not date until the divorce is final.

 

It causes a lot of harm when you don't do proper order.

[Mr. Lucky]

I tried to assure OW that I will not pursue trying to reconcile with STBX, but she doesn't believe me now and doesn't want to see me anymore romantically. She says we both have too much drama in our lives right now.

You don't need LoveShack, you've already got someone in your inner circle giving you good advice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

Alright. I'm just going to go with the your-exwife-really-was-manipulative-and-bad-train -- in that case, I think it's even more important for you to hold up your chin for once and walk your path alone. Sort yourself out. Work on yourself. No other person can do that for you, no wife, no OW.

[elgringo]

Alright. I'm just going to go with the your-exwife-really-was-manipulative-and-bad-train -- in that case, I think it's even more important for you to hold up your chin for once and walk your path alone. Sort yourself out. Work on yourself. No other person can do that for you, no wife, no OW.

 

I know you are right, and I am making an effort to make positive life choices. The only thing that concerns me is that OW will find someone else during this time, but theres nothing i can do about that.