Separating and feeling like crap

[compulsivedancer]

I'm married to Compulsive Musician, another user on this site. After I recently broke NC by attempting to speak to my former OM, we spoke last night. H said he wanted to separate. I had just been discussing all of this with my counselor and had told her that I think it's time.

 

Here's my thread, for backstory on what was going on: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/498407-i-contacted-om-update-we-decided-separate

 

His thread is still open: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/498268-nc-breach-shields-were-down-hull-damaged

 

I love H. I just don't love our life anymore. I feel like we have all of the elements of a great life, but they aren't working together anymore to create a relationship I want to be in. I feel like I play second fiddle to his career, and we take each other for granted.

 

We have been together a long time. 10 years, married for 8. Our entire adult life, pretty much.

 

We're supposed to take this time to figure out who we are as people, maybe date each other for the first time ever. Maybe I'll come home some day and maybe I won't.

 

I know this needs to happen, but it hurts so much. H is my life. There have been years where his love was the only thing that got me through. I'm not sure if I remember how to live without him. And right now I'm not sure our life is bad enough to give up on.

 

Right now it's really surreal. I have to go this weekend. I need to find some place else to stay and get the bills transferred over into his name. But all I want to do is curl up in his arms and die.

 

I decided this as much as he did. More, if anything.

 

I guess I just need a few words of support. I need to know that I'll get through this.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PegNosePete]

Have you taken legal advice on the financial implications of moving out without a court-approved agreement in place? It's usually a really, really bad idea.

 

Make sure to seek professional legal advice BEFORE moving out. Most lawyers will do a free initial consultation so it costs you nothing to become more informed.

[EverySunset]

Oh ok hi CM. I haunt the same subforums as you but for some reason I didn't expect to see you here. But I suppose it makes sense.

 

You have just stepped on the D roller-coaster. It's not an especially fun ride, and no one pretends that it is.

 

I've read all your threads. And your Hs. You both have done what I did after my STBXHs many affairs... Trying your best to reconcile. You have the bittersweet benefit of not having what you want very much... children. It makes everything so much more complicated. For you, him, and them.

 

So basics out of the way.

 

What are you looking for now? Any idea? If I could wave a magic want over your whole situation (CM too...) what would you want for you, for him?

Edited October 22, 2014 by EverySunset

[xxoo]

I know this needs to happen, but it hurts so much. H is my life. There have been years where his love was the only thing that got me through. I'm not sure if I remember how to live without him. And right now I'm not sure our life is bad enough to give up on.

 

You're doing the right thing. It's been "not good enough" for long enough, and it's time to stop the bleeding and let the healing begin. I suspect that, after real healing has occurred, neither of you would want to be in the relationship as it has been. You need the distance and separation to see how negatively this relationship has affected you both.

 

Get busy doing the work to create a peaceful world for yourself. Make peace of mind priority number one, because when you have that, you'll have clarity, and you'll stop trying to force yourself and others into situations that don't work.

[2sunny]

I wish you both well.

 

What are you planning to do to working on your own issues?

 

Particularly:

 

Self destructive behavior

Selfish tendencies

Need for "closure" when it had already happened

Denial

Delusional outlook

Obsessive compulsive actions

Need for child when not first making healthy decisions for self

What "love" really looks like for you

Unhealthy bonding

Poor decision making skills

Harm to self and others

 

If you need a skilled counselor to help you work through these issues then find a new therapist. Yours should have had enough time to address them already.

Edited October 22, 2014 by 2sunny

[compulsivedancer]

I wish you both well.

 

What are you planning to do to working on your own issues?

 

Particularly:

 

Self destructive behavior

Selfish tendencies

Need for "closure" when it had already happened

Denial

Delusional outlook

Obsessive compulsive actions

Need for child when not first making healthy decisions for self

What "love" really looks like for you

Unhealthy bonding

Poor decision making skills

Harm to self and others

 

If you need a skilled counselor to help you work through these issues then find a new therapist. Yours should have had enough time to address them already.

 

Thank you for the list; I'll get right on that. I've only been in therapy since July.

[compulsivedancer]

Right now I'm still trying to figure out the basics - where to live, getting financial stuff switched over, figuring out what to pack and how to acquire things like a bed.

 

I guess we're going to try to date and take things one step at a time. H will see what it's like to live on his own for the first time ever (learn to pay bills, buy groceries, do laundry), etc. And he wants me to figure out how to be happy in myself instead of depending on others for happiness. Sounds like a tall order.

 

H is definitely not interested in divorce at this time, but we'll see how he feels in a few months. I'm not sure. I love him, but life with him has not been fulfilling for quite a while. I don't know if separating will help us figure it out or not, but I'm willing to try.

Edited October 22, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[dichotomy]

You are going to date during separation ? What are boundaries or rules for this situation?

[xxoo]

And he wants me to figure out how to be happy in myself instead of depending on others for happiness. Sounds like a tall order.

 

Probably best tackled when not dating your newly separated husband.

 

Why not focus on yourselves for a while, and not complicate things with dating? Give clarity a chance.

[Try]

I decided this as much as he did. More, if anything.

Actually you decided this for the both of you when you choose to break NC with your affair partner. Your husband had no choice in the matter if he wanted to have any semblance of self respect. You need to face up to this fact and take ownership of your actions. Look up the word "empathy", and then ask yourself how much of it you have had for your husband over the last few years.

[compulsivedancer]

Please only post if you are offering words of encouragement or help. You had the chance to attack me yesterday on either my thread or H's. I did what I did, here are the consequences. If you are just here to kick me while I'm down, please go away - you're not invited.

[violet1]

I don't have much to say other than I wish both you and CM the best. My H and I have gone through a separation years ago. It's doesn't matter who or what caused the issues, it's still so hard and painful.

 

My H and I have been together since we were both in our early 20's. I complete understand not knowing how to live life without him. You know CD, some how, some way you will be ok and so will CM. Continue the therapy and take this time to truly work on you. Do you think maybe you've lost yourself over the years? I know that's kind of what happened to me. I had to do some serious soul searching, but thankfully I'm finally in a good spot. You'll get there, I know you will.

 

Just remember to take one day at a time. Definitely don't overwhelm yourself. Have you scheduled an appointment with a divorce attorney? Or is something the two of you want to wait on?

[Try]

Please only post if you are offering words of encouragement or help. You had the chance to attack me yesterday on either my thread or H's. I did what I did, here are the consequences. If you are just here to kick me while I'm down, please go away - you're not invited.

Some comments may hurt you, but they are not meant to kick you when you are down. They are meant to help you by getting you to face up to the real damage that you did, in order that you may realize what must be done to heal this once and for all. With your current outlook, your marriage cannot be saved, and it does not bode well for your next marriage. But with real empathy toward your husband by you, your husband might respond is such a way that your marriage can be saved, if that is what you both want. What give your marriage a chance is that you both are not pushing for divorce, which means that there is still something there between the two of you. Also, since you have no children, neither of you are trapped into staying in the marriage, thus you can decide to stay or leave without later saying that you did it for the children. Again you may not like what you hear, but the sooner that you wake up, the better life that you can have. If not in this marriage then in the next one. I wish you well.

[whichwayisup]

Right now I'm still trying to figure out the basics - where to live, getting financial stuff switched over, figuring out what to pack and how to acquire things like a bed.

 

I guess we're going to try to date and take things one step at a time. H will see what it's like to live on his own for the first time ever (learn to pay bills, buy groceries, do laundry), etc. And he wants me to figure out how to be happy in myself instead of depending on others for happiness. Sounds like a tall order.

 

H is definitely not interested in divorce at this time, but we'll see how he feels in a few months. I'm not sure. I love him, but life with him has not been fulfilling for quite a while. I don't know if separating will help us figure it out or not, but I'm willing to try.

 

Do not take this time to date anybody, meaning don't open that door again with exOM. Take this time to fix you and start by getting a new therapist, this one hasn't worked or you've not allowed therapy to do it's thing. Meaning, what one puts into therapy is what one gets out of it. If one isn't willing to dig down deep, face all the issues and cope/deal with them nothing gets solved and the problems repeat themselves.

 

Your H is right, you need to be happy on your own with no man to make you feel complete. You can do this!! I know you can. And he can learn to cook, do dishes, shop, pay bills. It'll be hard at first for both of you, but you'll both get through it.

[2sunny]

This is your opportunity CD to learn and grow. You need help from a skilled therapist who will encourage you to change.

 

You won't do that as quickly if you're dating and even seeing CM.

 

Being dependent in a man for validation and attention has been your weakness keeping you stunted from learning what really makes YOU happy with YOURSELF.

 

Stay focused on maturing on your own. Challenge yourself. Find new hobbies and interests.

 

I hope you will.

[PegNosePete]

CD you're shooting yourself in the foot by moving out.

Edited October 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry that you find yourself here, I had really hoped that you two would be able to reconcile. Unfortunately I think you two are your own worse enemies at times. He is a workaholic and having been one, we tend to be in an affair with our work. It is who we are and for some reason think others should be on hold until we desire to engage them. This leaves our partner feeling as if they are in a relationship by themselves and feeling undesired. When that happens they become tempted to do things they would not normally do.

 

Next comes the chapter of the affair. Though both of you wanted to reconcile, the underlying issues are still there. You want to reconnect, start family, etc and he is withdrawn, unsure if he can trust you. This leaves you where you are now that something has to happen. The separation my actually help you, but needs to be defined, so there are no misunderstandings. Are you separating to gain perspective or are you separating as a path to divorce? If reconciliation is still an option, then you need to have a plan to do so.

 

Either way I wish both of you the best and thank you both for sharing your experience on here and allowing other to learn from the experience.

[Diezel]

You'll get through this, but the worst thing you two can do is date each other during the separation.

 

There will be no real growth from you two during that time.

Just because you aren't living together, it doesn't mean it'll help to be constantly be seeing each other.

 

You had your time to prove your love, that time past a while ago.

 

You need to learn to be an adult on your own, and you will. It looks like an impossible task right now, but everyone takes bumps and gets bruises. That's how life works. Hopefully everything you've gone through will be a true learning experience and will make you a better person for it.

[Try]

The separation my actually help you, but needs to be defined, so there are no misunderstandings. Are you separating to gain perspective or are you separating as a path to divorce? If reconciliation is still an option, then you need to have a plan to do so.

I strongly agree that they need to define what their goal is in this separation, and have a plan to implement that goal. They need to do this ASAP.

[Try]

You'll get through this, but the worst thing you two can do is date each other during the separation.

They need to date each other to help them decide if they should try to fix the relationship or to divorce. In fact, not only should they date each other, they should not date others until they firmly decide where they want to go with each other.

[compulsivedancer]

CD you're shooting yourself in the foot by moving out.

 

Why? (10 characters)

[William]

Folks, this is a topic about separation and feeling like crap so let's focus on the separation.

 

As required by policy, if any inferences or attributions to any prior threads relevant to the separation are included, they must include a link to the attributed statement and a quotation of it. The policy is clearly published right at the top of this forum.

 

Failure to adhere to this policy and/or failure to address this topic according to our guidelines will result in suspension or moderation with no intermediate steps.

[compulsivedancer]

Folks, this is a topic about separation and feeling like crap so let's focus on the separation.

 

As required by policy, if any inferences or attributions to any prior threads relevant to the separation are included, they must include a link to the attributed statement and a quotation of it. The policy is clearly published right at the top of this forum.

 

Failure to adhere to this policy and/or failure to address this topic according to our guidelines will result in suspension or moderation with no intermediate steps.

 

Thanks! The last several comments have been helpful ones.

[compulsivedancer]

The separation my actually help you, but needs to be defined, so there are no misunderstandings. Are you separating to gain perspective or are you separating as a path to divorce? If reconciliation is still an option, then you need to have a plan to.

 

Definitely to gain perspective. It may eventually lead to divorce, if that's what's needed, but that is not the goal.

 

We've discussed some of these things, but it's only been two days. Does anyone have suggestions on the types of ground rules we need to decide on?

[Try]

Definitely to gain perspective. It may eventually lead to divorce, if that's what's needed, but that is not the goal.

 

We've discussed some of these things, but it's only been two days. Does anyone have suggestions on the types of ground rules we need to decide on?

Ground Rules (partial list):

 

1) 100% no contact (NC) with the former affair partner.

 

2) No dating of other people until you decide about divorce or not.

 

3) Schedule date night at least once a week. For it to be a real date night, you must treat each date night as a 1st date. Ask yourself would I talk about this topic if I want a 2nd date with this person? If the answer is no, then do not talk about that topic; that means no talking about the affair, bills, etc. Go to new restaurants. Do new things. Have fun with each other.

 

4) Schedule time to talk about serious topics at least once a week. Write down what you want to talk about, and how to talk about it in the least hurtful way possible.

 

5) Have a no trying to hurt each other rule. That means no shouting at, or insulting of the other person. Start phrasing things, even points of conflict, the way you would phrase it to a best friend.

 

6) Stop trying to win each argument and start trying to do the right thing. If both of you actually do this, there will be no losers.

 

7) If you decide on divorce. there should be at least a 60 day cooling off period where you continue to follow these rules, so that you can change your minds without more complications. This is a very important rule, as there is a good chance that one or both of you will get hurt and ask for a divorce only to want change your mind when one or both say that they are sorry.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Try