heysunshinexo Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 (edited) so, i married this guy at 23, very quick marriage. (started talking online, met a month later, got married 2 days later while visiting him....yeah, i know---I screwed up)...He's 35. I'm 26.... so fast forward 2 and a half years to the present. he gets out of the military, gets his VA compensation....and spends 38k in 8 weeks. Tells me he wants a divorce, (after all i did was fight and ensure he got his money), now tells me I need to go away. As they say, money shows peoples true colors...but I'm starting going INSANE! I don't want to be divorced at 26, i want to work this out...but for what? security, and little to no happiness...? I'm just scared...idk what to do. I'm scared to go date, because of already a broken heart. We've had a rocky relationship for the past few months leading upto this...but just acted like everything was okay. But I issues with his family, (disagreements how they would treat me), and now we're pursuing with divorce. We have no children, no real estate. I suppose its for the best? I'm so scared, I gave up everything to be with him, and now I'm left with little to nothing, and him telling me he's "sending me back home". All of his family has turned on me, I'm 1300 miles away from home, and have no one. :/ (But I'm told, I'm the crazy one for standing up for myself and how I believe I should be treated, etc....) Everyone in his family have formed this alliance that I'm the most awful person in the world, and am pissing in their cheerios because I told my husband to spend money, and he's just giving the money away to them. Like really? I'm being the responsible one. What is your advice to someone in their 20's? I feel like this is the end of the world. Edited October 19, 2014 by heysunshinexo Link to post Share on other sites
drallafi Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Can I just ask why you married him in the first place? Link to post Share on other sites
Author heysunshinexo Posted October 19, 2014 Author Share Posted October 19, 2014 He was in the military at the time. The benefits sounded good...:/ It was a moment of weakness. I really thought I was in love, and he said all the right things. :/ Manipulated me, CLEARLY, wouldn't you say? Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I have just very recently gone through a divorce at a similar age .... I'm slightly older at 30 so I'll try and offer you the few pearls of wisdom I have from my situation. Divorce is not the end of the world - just the beginning of a new chapter in your life. I know right now you feel defeated and see this as a failure .... but that is just one perspective. You can also choose, if you wish, to see this as an opportunity for a new beginning and something better then the relationship you're leaving. It doesn't sound like recently you have been happy. I will definitely say to you that "not wanting to be a divorcee" is NOT a valid reason to try and hold onto your existing relationship. Trying to stay married just because you don't want to be divorced is ..... well pointless. You need to want to be with the person. Also if one of the parties is not in it and does not want to try and save the relationship then you truly are wasting your time. Something I came to terms with is that in life we hold on very tightly to some ideals and plans we have. Marriage is one of those things that is meant to be "forever" - so we struggle to let go of it when it is not working. But life is change - and unfortunately not everything turns out the way we hoped or planned. When you know something is not working and not salvageable - trying to fight against that and deny what is happening will get you no where. It is like trying to swim backup stream against a strong river. You won't get very far and will end up tired and defeated. More to the point you waste a lot of your time and will miss out on the other really good stuff that lays ahead further down the stream. Accepting the change and making the best of it is sometimes all we can do. So my advice is if your husband wants a divorce - then agree to it. But change your thinking and consciously and deliberately stop looking back at the things from your past relationship you can't change. Stop looking at a divorce as a failure. Instead choose look forward to the future and the opportunities that lay ahead and how you will do things better next time. See it as a new beginning for something better. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
drallafi Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 He was in the military at the time. The benefits sounded good...:/ It was a moment of weakness. I really thought I was in love, and he said all the right things. :/ Manipulated me, CLEARLY, wouldn't you say? I don't know. I wasn't there and I don't know either of you so I couldn't say. But, if you feel that you were manipulated into this, then I would think that being released would be a relief, no? I mean the alternative would be to spend the rest of your days with a man who you know doesn't want you and manipulated you. That doesn't sound pleasant. My advice, recognize your self worth, get out of that situation, ask your family for money if you need, but get home and get home fast. Start healing. 2 years from now, you'll be in a happy healthy relationship and you'll look back and laugh at this situation. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Hi Sunshine! It's going to be ok. I'm in my 40s, and in my twenties, I went to a LOT of weddings. A bunch of those marriages ended within 2-5 years, meaning a lot of divorced people in their 20s. A decade or so later, most of those people have remarried into more stable marriages. Some are in truly wonderful marriages with the love of their life. You're young You have so much life ahead of you, so much learning to do. Your story is yet to be told. Get through this time, and I promise the future can be very bright. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 He was in the military at the time. The benefits sounded good...:/ It was a moment of weakness. I really thought I was in love, and he said all the right things. :/ Manipulated me, CLEARLY, wouldn't you say? At the same time... you used him too, CLEARLY. You two sound toxic together. Wouldn't you rather be divorced and have a chance at being happy, rather than married and miserable? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I don't want to be divorced at 26, i want to work this out I'm afraid what you want is largely irrelevant. If he wants a divorce then he can get one and there is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it. Nobody can be forced to remain married to someone against their will. You need to stop fighting this losing battle. The divorce will happen if your husband wants it. Forget about his family, and who is being labelled the "bad guy", that is totally irrelevant as well. You should instead spend your energy working on the best possible divorce outcome for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 But, if you feel that you were manipulated into this, then I would think that being released would be a relief, no? I mean the alternative would be to spend the rest of your days with a man who you know doesn't want you and manipulated you. That doesn't sound pleasant. Well said. If you married him for the good military benefits, not sure who took advantage of whom. I'm also uncertain about how vested you can be in a marriage that occurred after one month of chatting and two days of meeting. Chalk this up as a life lesson and move on... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Heck I was divorced at 23 after getting married at 21.. You will be fine. Lots of life ahead of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Joytherapy Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 You are clearly in a difficult situation. However, your life is certainly not over, you have so many great possibilities ahead of you. I would suggest a good life coach, or counseling. You can do an internet search for "free" focused family counseling. There are places that do free initial counseling over the phone, it never hurts to get a different perspective. HUGS!! ~Ducktapetherapy Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts