Separated Boyfriend Talks to Ex

[Bannon37]

Hi Everybody,

 

I am basically looking for some advice on my relationship with my boyfriend who is separated from his wife for 3 years.

 

I met my boyfriend through a dating portal. I was looking for friends and our friendship transitioned into a romantic relationship. This was 2.5 years back and at that time, he told me that he was divorced and that his wife and son were in a different state.

 

After a year, I got pregnant and had to get this pregnancy terminated as my boyfriend did not want the child. I was very upset about this and the termination took a toll on my health. During this time, he confessed that he was separated and not divorced. His wife and son were in the same city but stayed in a different house.

 

I was really upset about this but I continued being with him as he insisted that he was very unhappy with his marriage and would file for a divorce soon. He filed for divorce after 5 months on mutual consent, to which his wife initially agreed then backed off. It has been almost a year since then and in all likelihood, the divorce will not take place.

 

My boyfriend is now trying to get the divorce on other grounds. He has been married for 15 years, and has known his wife for 20 years altogether. His wife has now taken him to court as she is unhappy with the child support he gives her every month. She has also filed a complaint against him at a local police station once. My boyfriend has described her as manipulative, lying, dominating and cold hearted through the years of marriage.

 

Yet, he spoke to her recently where she threatened him with a whole lot of lawsuits primarily because he is in a relationship with me.

 

All of this has affected me to quite an extent physically and mentally. I feel quite drained. However, I still feel that there are nice qualities in my boyfriend and I should stick through during this phase.

 

What erks me is why would he want to speak to his ex after all that she has put him through. Secondly, do I stay in this relationship after everything that has happened?

 

Please advise.

[d0nnivain]

He has a kid with this woman. He will therefore talk to her for the rest of his life. There will be custody / parenting issues. There will be graduations, birthdays, weddings & funerals.

 

EX-wife are not like EX-GF. There will always be a connection

 

I am sorry about your child but given the fact that you don't like your BF's EX & you seem like you would have preferred to keep your baby perhaps, you & he are a bad fit.

[Yasuandio]

He is not divorced until he is divorced. Not a good idea to date married men. Even legally separated men are married men. Not a good idea to date legally separated married men. Find a nice man that is available, less chance of painful situation that you have had to bare. Cut it off, NC. That is best way. So sorry for your pain, and confusion caused by this sort of arrangment. It will never pan out to be as fulfilling as you deserve, lovely girl. Yas

[Mr. Lucky]

My boyfriend has described her as manipulative, lying, dominating and cold hearted through the years of marriage.

 

That description fits one of the two participants in the marriage. And it's not the wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

I'm very surprised you question your relationship now that you realize she can't be cut off entirely, but had no worries at all when asked to abort? Not even when you found out he was technically still married were you uneasy about this "relationship", but when he has to keep in touch with a woman who never did anything to you (probably has never met you either I assume?) you're starting to feel the need to get out?

 

I think you should ask yourself what you want in this relationship, and compare that to what is realistic. His ex-WIFE will be around forever since they have a child together. You could try to ask him if he at least cuts all ties to his son, but chances are he'll rather cut you off instead.

 

Also, it's been such a long time, take your rosy love glasses off already. You were an affair lover of his (probably not the only one; get tested for STDs), they weren't seperated and if you hadn't given in to his demand to abort his life would have gone down the toilet very quickly. Because if the ex-wife found out about the kid, yes, at that point she would have become a real beech to him.

Edited October 17, 2014 by No Limit

[Bannon37]

Thank you for your responses No Limit and Mr. Lucky

 

I would like to add a little to this:

 

I was very uneasy when asked to abort. It was my first pregnancy and I was excited about it. I was 36 at that time. The fact that he was married came as a shock to me especially at that stage of my life. I live in a country where the society is rather traditional and a single mom is frowned upon. I know my family would have cut me off and I had no financial support system as I had quit my job because he asked me to do so. I wanted to end the relationship and move to a different city. He pleaded and literally begged for forgiveness and I forgave him. He told me he was really unhappy and he would get the divorce.

 

With regard to how his wife is described, his family pretty much hates her (including grandparents). I have never met her, I did want to meet her to understand the situation but I boyfriend said that would not be feasible. His wife has cheated on him during the marriage with at least 2 men and while staying married, she asked him for a divorce literally every day. It is when he moved on with me that she decided that she did not want the divorce. I want to add that my boyfriend has property and she would like her son get that. She has mentioned to him that if he gets married to me then our child in the future would also be entitled to the property.

 

He has been conversing with his wife from the time we got together. It only bothered me to a very slight extent. However; he complains about his wife all the time; she took him to the cops for a money related issue; she filed for a higher child support amount knowing he does not earn and is managing on his savings etc. My question is, if a women has put you through all this, why would you want to converse with her? And the discussions are not always about parenting or custody but usually hovers around a lot of blame game and threats on her part. All these conversations take place in front of the kid who is 9 years old.

 

I cannot ask him to cut his ties off with his son because he is really attached to him and it would not be fair on my part to do so. Somewhere, I still want to help my boyfriend identify what really gives him happiness and I definitely want a direction in my life. I know I do not want to be the third person or the other woman because that is not why I got together with him.

[No Limit]

I know my family would have cut me off and I had no financial support system as I had quit my job because he asked me to do so.

 

... Why in the world would he ask you to quit your job?! o.O

 

The additional information is helpful though. Well, my next best bet then would be that he's been co-dependant for years to a very toxic person. Of course she doesn't want a divorce now, where she feels like she's going to "loose" since she feels herself entitled to leave him in his loneliness for a better guy and better life, but no, her husband isn't the whiny mess she had hoped he would be if she ever divorced him.

 

I think you two have to do a lot of activities or mini vacations or whatever distracts you for a while. And if he's still succumbing to his exes' attempts to undermine him, I think individual counseling is the only option to get his head sorted out.

[veggirl]

What lawsuits is she supposedly threatening him with? Do you have proof of these threats?

[whichwayisup]

What erks me is why would he want to speak to his ex after all that she has put him through. Secondly, do I stay in this relationship after everything that has happened?

 

How can you judge her when you're involved with a guy who LIED to you about his marital status, didn't want a baby with you and isn't divorcing?

 

Dump him. This situation is toxic for you and his baggage with his wife isn't going away any time soon. I doubt it's really over between them! People who want to divorce, divorce. You're unhappy too, so either end it and tell him to call you when he is divorced, then maybe you'd consider dating him - Or stick around and get used to the drama.

[TheBladeRunner]

He is not divorced until he is divorced. Not a good idea to date married men. Even legally separated men are married men. Not a good idea to date legally separated married men. Find a nice man that is available, less chance of painful situation that you have had to bare. Cut it off, NC. That is best way. So sorry for your pain, and confusion caused by this sort of arrangment. It will never pan out to be as fulfilling as you deserve, lovely girl. Yas

 

Agreed, if they are not divorced there could still be some major drama ahead. That has been my experience dating people that are not finished with their legal business. As far as talking with his "ex".....they have a kid together and that will never end.

[Mr. Lucky]

Somewhere, I still want to help my boyfriend identify what really gives him happiness

To this point, his happiness has been served by having you on the side and under his control.

 

You need to take responsibility for your happiness, the only emotion you're truly in control of. Having someone tell you how to live your life while they lie to you about theirs plainly doesn't make sense.

 

Do you disagree ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bannon37]

I thank all of you for your responses and support.

 

@ No Limit: He asked me to quit because he wanted me to move to the same city as where he was and he did not like my working hours (they were really crazy).

 

I suggested counseling to my boyfriend a long time ago, he did not take it up as he felt he was strong enough to deal with this on his own.

 

@ Veggirl: The threats have been for property; higher child support and at this point of time anything that can coerce him to break our relationship off. In the past, she has threatened him with: Not allowing him to meet the son (this has happened many times); has threatened to kill herself umpteen times; threatened to cause harm to the son and herself if he did not return to them. At one instance; she has asked her son to call my boyfriend and tell him that ‘mama is going to kill herself’. There are times when the son got angry and said ‘I will kill myself’ coz he probably thought it is ok to say this. She has then laughed at him and said ‘If you kill yourself, it will be good for all of us’’. I have seen messages from her where she has mentioned killing herself because my boyfriend did not respond to her message where she was asking for money which she wanted to give for charity.

 

@whichwayisup: I am not judging her; I am just sharing information that I have about her.

 

@ Mr Lucky and The Blade Runner: Thank you so much. There will indeed be a lot of drama in this and I need to think about my happiness.

 

I have reached some sort of conclusion in terms of this relationship. I know I cannot be involved till this situation is sorted out between the two of them legally.

 

However; I do worry about my boyfriend trying to seek external validation online again and I do not want any other girl to go through lies and false promises. Do I do anything about this or do I leave this situation only seeking my happiness?

[beach]

He LIES.

 

That's all you need to know to leave him.

 

I suggest you get out while you still have some sanity.

 

Oh yah, he is STILL married.

 

Run honey!!!

[veggirl]

There's nothing good here. The guy is nothing but drama and is not taking any active steps to solve that. And now you mention he's looking online for other girls. Gimme a break.