Told my husband I'm moving out--sad and sick

[jakrbbt]

I told my h tonight that I will for sure be moving out. He was so sad and upset, I am too-- and suddenly several things fall into perspective.

 

I see how much I have judged him rather than just assessing the situation and making decisions. Never realized how judgmental I was being-- and that just causes pain. Without judgment, the answer is the same anyway: this is unhealthy and I have to leave.

 

I see what things I have to work on in myself. Now those matter more than the idea of him working on any of his stuff-- though I do still want him to basically function because he's my son's father.

 

But for me, I have to work on happiness, not judging, self-care, and accepting when other people do not think or feel or behave in ways that are in harmony with me. (Not accepting in the sense of putting up with it, but accepting in the sense of recognizing that I can only control how I react to it.)

 

I think that whatever others can dish out, I can find some way to handle, and that is pretty much where my inquiry gets to stop-- I don't have to go obsessing over why someone dished out something I had to handle, or even resent them for it. And also, I have to stop trying to "save" people or make them happy or be on some kind of mission to snuff out all emotional suffering. I would do very well to just make the decisions I believe in, and accept the world for what it is.

 

Right now, that means accepting that my husband and i are splitting up and it will be painful and filled with excruciating uncertainties for some time. But we will deal with most the urgent uncertainties (e.g., child care and temporary custody plan). We just will. I still hate this. This is sad, this is the belly of the beast. I bet he thinks I do not feel sad because I am the one making this decision. That would be so inaccurate-- this is the saddest decision I have ever made and I tried for so long to make it so this wouldn't have to happen. Or thought I was trying. Or failed.

[BetrayedH]

Hey, you found the courage to do a really tough thing, one that you knew that you had to do. Good work.

 

And yep, now it's time to figure out child care and a temporary custody agreement.

 

Yes, these are tough times. But before you know it, you'll be in your new place and making strides towards your second life.

[Turtles]

I wish you all the strength to handle the tough times ahead knowing you are building a better future for you & your child!

[KarlaB]

Jak I am happy to hear that you have talked to him. I am sure my stbx felt the same way. But I do as well see my errors and need to find my happiness again. The unknown sucks though.

[Yasuandio]

Don't beat yourself up. Circumstances cause us to become what we are. Judgmental, ok, so be it. That is related to your field, and is a "light" response to what you have described, but a light - bulb moment just the same.

 

We all have them. DOT, our wonderful VET is having some reflection, it is growth. I share the "talking too much" syndrome with DOT, for other reasons. And much worse stuff can happen to you from hanging in a marriage with a problem I c situation. In many ways, I see where I developed or mimicked some of former husband's same issues. I'm just now discovering this. Here are my new theraputic names for my newfound disorders: Instant-Anger-Syndrome, Narcissism-by-Proxy, How-Far-Can-I-Go Interpersonal Unilateral Communication Dysfunction, etc.

 

See, being JudgMENTAL is a lot better than being totally mental. You are doing great hon! Bravo for Jkrabbit. Yas

[IntrovertedLEO]

Sounds to me like you are unsure if you really wanted to leave him or not. It definitely sounds like you need to get right with yourself (find yourself) before you can be in another relationship/reconcile etc.

 

No matter what at the end of the day it takes courage to do what you did though and you should always trust your gut. Good luck finding yourself and the rest will fall into place once you get happy with yourself!

[KarlaB]

How has it been going Jak?

[jakrbbt]

It's horrible. First off I am sad, but also, I'm scared. He was kind of nice and even happy yesterday, spent the day with our mutual friend while I took time off work to give him some time. But for some reason, come late evening, he behaved as though livid with me. I am his enemy, he seems to think. I can see him being upset about this but why the sudden change?

 

He is still behaving even more unfriendly than usual toward me, it makes me scared of what he's planning and thinking. Maybe he is simply upset. I am pretty sure he went to see a lawyer today, he was dressed for it and didn't tell me where he went, which is fine.

 

I still want to mediate rather than use the attorney I've talked to. He (the attorney) will ask for a retainer at this point before doing anything more. I'd rather work out a temporary emergency custody plan, with or without mediator, and then-- while living apart and cooling off-- figure out whether we need lawyers for the divorce terms.

 

But my husband said he will not talk to me "right now" about any emergency custody plan. Possibly he talked to a lawyer who told him not to. (Though why any lawyer would tell him that is beyond me, unless it was not a very good lawyer.) I asked whether he is using an attorney and he repeated that he would not talk to me.

 

I hate not knowing whether we can even do a temporary, emergency custody arrangement. Meanwhile I have to figure out what things I need to get for new place (like second modem and router, second toddler bed, baby monitor et c), and how to do the move. I don't even know whether I can start day care because no emergency plan. But I have to go back to work soon, can't sit here in limbo.

 

If only he would just tell me "no I won't settle on a custody plan with you, we'll have to mediate" or "I have a lawyer, wait to hear from them" or "I'll talk to you in -- days to figure out custody plan.'" He asked me for money bc he has none, I gave him all the cash I had on me (not much).

 

Can't eat, can't nap or sleep, can't even choke down a half glass of wine. So nervous and scared and just plain busy. Want to drive out to my parents' place in the country and just cry, but have to do so many things e.g. look into day care centers.

 

Think I will call the nice friend who has offered some emergency care or even just a nice play date to calm the nerves, and get that set up. I don't want to just pay a lawyer to file papers and have a damn contentious divorce, damnit. I don't mind giving my husband some chunk of money that I take out of a credit card and give him the car and pay his rent for 2 months and also give him like $200/month in spousal for a year plus whatever small child support I'll have if we're 50/50. I just don't want him to fight me like I'm an enemy and try to have full custody or try to have me completely support him and me have to pay a lawyer to litigate that. And I have to know when I can just go back to work and know what's happening with our child.

 

I have also been crib-training our toddler (who co-sleeps with me) in case he has to go between two houses soon-- my husband can't really co-sleep with him because he gets no sleep that way. The crib training had to happen anyway. It is exhausting!

[Yasuandio]

Prehistoric babies slept in beds made of leaves and survived. Take advantage of your friend's offer, asap. Don't be a maryter. As for him, he can get $$$ from sister, surely she has funds. Let him hit up his parents, if they are living. Or here's an idea: Maybe he could GET AN EFFING JOB! That would keep him busy in the down time.

 

Don't fund his lazy fanny anymore - that will set a precident, or what ever you attorneys call it. It is not like you didn't give him notice, dafuq?

 

He's withdrawn all human contact from you for some time now for God's sake. That is emotional abuse. Let it longer - it really becomes a big problem hon. You are getting out just in time - before you just start hating the opposite sex. That is very easy to do when you allow this withdrawal of affection to occur decade after decade before you wake up. By that time - it is too late, for any semblance of a normal perception of other people again. Damaged goods big time.

 

You have so done the right thing. Man, I had my shot a half dozen times, but he kept coming back all nice-nice. I was so emerged in my career and publication obligations - I didn't have the inclination to have a close look at what I was really involved do deeply with.

 

You baby forces you to look. This is great. So, figure out those housekeeping matters, even if you have to make a bed of leaves. Kisses sweetheart. Yas

 

PS. I got my eye on a low miliage 2014 Masarari, black, with a lipstick red leather interior, 8 cylinder, 6 shift or auto. Totally Evil looking car. But I keep my red beener, she only has 60,000 miles. That Masz is calling me bad. Got mania? Yeah.

Edited October 4, 2014 by Yasuandio

[jakrbbt]

OK, a little humor goes a long way with me, thank you Yas. And you should get an Alfa Romeo, but yes, keep it black with red interior YES.

 

My husband is surely acting strategic now. Baby and I went to the store to pick up something husband had requested in the grocery run, that we'd forgotten. Went while H was in shower. He got out and texted "When will [baby] be back." He never texts like that; it feels like an attempt at documentation to me. He also insisted on doing baby's bath and bedtime routine tonight, and his attitude was very off from before. And so it begins. He sees a lawyer, gets strategic. Why do people do that? Why act differently from how you normally are as a parent? Doesn't everyone want what's best for the child? Does anyone really want to pretend they are "more" of a parent than they are, or that the ex is "less" of a parent, just to try to scam the court into granting some kind of full custody that it would not grant if it were a fly on the wall?

 

I am so afraid that this man is going to try to keep me from seeing my (to be fair, our) baby. He is angry that i am leaving. I don't think he thought I would leave. But I am.

 

Sorry-- really spinning out now. ANY words of, like, ANYTHING, would help. Am I going to lose my son?

[BetrayedH]

OK, a little humor goes a long way with me, thank you Yas. And you should get an Alfa Romeo, but yes, keep it black with red interior YES.

 

My husband is surely acting strategic now. Baby and I went to the store to pick up something husband had requested in the grocery run, that we'd forgotten. Went while H was in shower. He got out and texted "When will [baby] be back." He never texts like that; it feels like an attempt at documentation to me. He also insisted on doing baby's bath and bedtime routine tonight, and his attitude was very off from before. And so it begins. He sees a lawyer, gets strategic. Why do people do that? Why act differently from how you normally are as a parent? Doesn't everyone want what's best for the child? Does anyone really want to pretend they are "more" of a parent than they are, or that the ex is "less" of a parent, just to try to scam the court into granting some kind of full custody that it would not grant if it were a fly on the wall?

 

I am so afraid that this man is going to try to keep me from seeing my (to be fair, our) baby. He is angry that i am leaving. I don't think he thought I would leave. But I am.

 

Sorry-- really spinning out now. ANY words of, like, ANYTHING, would help. Am I going to lose my son?

 

YES, they absolutely try to make themselves look like the better parent and make you look like an evil one. It couldn't be more common. You've got to get out of this daydream of an amiable divorce. They're ridiculously rare as far as I can tell and yours ain't one of 'em.

 

Bear in mind that he has a similar mindset as you when it comes to the loss of his child. The way he sees it, his best case scenario is losing his kid 50% of the time and he has you to thank for that. So he's in total defense mode now (which is sometimes a good offense). He sees you as taking his kid away. He also sees you as holding him hostage from a money standpoint when he has a right to 50% of the marital income. You are the enemy that has stolen his child and income (or might anyway). He is acting out of fear.

 

You're going to need that lawyer. You need the lawyer to work on temporary custody and a temporary financial plan. You also need to be "legally" separated and file for D. Suck it up and do it. Your H's lawyer is probably arranging to force you to pay your H's retainer. You'll probably be paying both attorneys. You've got to quit trying to figure this out on your own.

 

Look, all that said, you don't have to go into the same defensive mode just reacting out of fear. Use your head, not your emotions. Act reasonably no matter what happens. Pay the household bills and don't deny reasonable requests for money. Be reasonable when it comes to child access. Document everything (just like he is doing). And let your attorney and the system handle the rest. The likelihood that you'll "lose" your child is about zero. You are the mother and have a good history of taking care of your child and family. 50/50 custody is probably your H's best case scenario. Unless you are a demonstrable danger to the child, your scenario is 50/50 or better.

Edited October 4, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Yasuandio]

I would just lay low till your papers are served. Stay at the family dwelling, but of course, you can be getting your place ready. Be first to file, or he will be in control, I don't have to tell you that. You gotta be petitioner, got to, period.

 

Betrayed H has nailed it. Amicable, yeah, right. Now you see you can forget that idea. I bet it will bee much easier to take the "t" off of "can't" now, won't it? That' how I used to motivate elementary kids when I was a teacher. When you take the "t" off of "can't" that means you "can!" Worked every time! (With little kids, that is). Monday means Monday.

 

so, I guess you'll be camping in your little room, and making runs to the fun place here and there. Shop on-line, if that works for you. At least check out that site I suggested. I got a white leather couch (60, with aluminum frame, leCorbouse), $645, FREE DELIVERY. that is crazy. I also got the Marly Repro Kiss Love Couch $700 ($1500 at least anywhere else), free delivery.

 

Decorating is so much fun! One of my specialities. So you know what to do. Let your attorney decide his allowance etc. You cannot be your own attorney, just like I had to learn. Just because I can technically be called Dr. Yas, does not mean I can be my own Doctor.

 

You are doing great! Just hold your horses, get those papers in, and then make your move when your attorney says so. And don't forget to turn over these LS transcripts to attorney. He needs to know everything, darling.

 

Yas (zoom zoom).