frankle Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I'm very new to this, and won't bore you all with too many details...but My marriage is coming to an end. We've been together for nine years and lived in Australia for three years. My wife is Australian and we have a 8 month old son. We also have an age gap of twenty years with me being almost 56. It's my first marriage and I met my wife at work in London in 2005. We became a couple after knowing each other for a year and almost there and then my wife decided to finish her 9-5 move to Bristol UK and complete a 3 year residency without pay and 16-18 hour days! We hunkered down and worked through it, which was very difficult with me working, keeping house and never seeing her, and then not having time to chat as I'd collect her from work feed her, run a bath and put her to bed, wake up the next morning get her fed and washed and back to work. she would be too tired to talk. This was for 3 years. I was very stressful! A close relationship was a blue moon occasion maybe twice or three times a year. Such was the pressure. In 2011 the residency ended and we suddenly moved to Australia as my wifes (then partner) grandmother passed away. My wife decided not to return to the UK and I applied on-shore for residency which took 18 months ..but we were to begin our dream. The cracks began to appear shortly after we moved to Australia, and we put this down to the turmoil that had been the passed years. We did seem to lose touch a little but not forgetting our relationship during the residency had been far from normal. However I would have liked a little more closeness to come back. We we're married 2 years ago and we had our son 8 months ago. We have bought a beautiful new home and should have everything working well for us...however, we can't seem to connect and argue over the smallest thing. My wife now making plans with her parents to move to China? All of us moving to china...me too! But I would have liked to been part of the discussion! We started to become 'I' and living different lives. I'm finding this difficult so I won't say anything other than the end is about here. We have had months of counselling which works for about half a day. I think the thing that kept us together was the period which was hardest, and now that's finished our connection has. Once we could overcome anything, now we can't even talk. I'm now in a strange country and staying for my son! but pretty much alone. Sorry for the crytic thread Link to post Share on other sites
caplion Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Wow, that sounds really hard. I don't know what to say other then to send my sympathies. It doesn't sound like she is taking much responsibility or consideration for your feelings - or has ever done done that. It would be good to join a support group - being alone in another country must be really hard - but if you find others going through separation and/or divorce you will hear some stories that can give you strength too. You definitely need some support. As much as I can give to you on a keyboard - here's a jumping bunny for no reason other than to maybe make you smile for a second Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 (edited) We became a couple after knowing each other for a year and almost there and then my wife decided to finish her 9-5 move to Bristol UK and complete a 3 year residency without pay and 16-18 hour days! We hunkered down and worked through it, which was very difficult with me working, keeping house and never seeing her, and then not having time to chat as I'd collect her from work feed her, run a bath and put her to bed, wake up the next morning get her fed and washed and back to work. she would be too tired to talk. This was for 3 years. I was very stressful! A close relationship was a blue moon occasion maybe twice or three times a year. Such was the pressure. Honestly, it sounds like she got what she wanted from you - financial and emotional support during her residency and the start of her career. Are you contemplating a move to China? If not, does the law where you live allow you to prevent her from taking your child there? Mr. Lucky Edited October 1, 2014 by Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankle Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Thanks Caplion and Mr Lucky I'm not one for mud slinging or bun fights, so I'll tread carefully through this! I've not looked into wether or not my wife can legally take my son to China for work. I'll explain the reason behind this thinking. My wife, although she completed her residency, she failed her exams (twice) I won't go into what she specialises in but the pass rate for these exams is less than 15% and both times she failed by 2 points 83 out of 85 pass rate. It is pretty devastating but all to normal. She flew (we flew) form Brisbane to Sevilla (Spain) to take the exam and anyone taking a 5 plane journey with a fear of flying and a week later a 2 day exam would probably know the odds are stacked!...Now however the company she works for and although she is highly regarded ...and not alone with this problem! is insisting that only exam passers may work there. This is a very negative company view as in order to take the exam you must have amassed an amount of clinical cases, so need to be working in the field with a sufficient case volume. The reason..why China..She has work contacts there, and offers of work and would not have to pass anymore exams. Her present company has began a search for exam passers (Diplomats) It will take time as these are very rare, but my wife is feeling very vulnerable. My problem is that she is seeking advice from others without asking me. She is now excluding me from the decision making process, and pretty much cutting me out. She has in the past and is starting again to try to make up for her academic shortfalls by being the one to step forward. Taking on unpopular work shifts and working late into the night as she leaves her work case histories and types them up in her own time. So she now works 14-16 hrs per day. Her company is only too happy to take advantage and I would consider when making difficult shift choices, she is a HR dream. A martyr. None of this helps when your living on the edge of all this looking back in. In a counselling meeting it was suggested that she was 'venting' her frustrations at me, and I should be flattered that she trusts me enough to know I would understand and ' take one for the team'. Well I was...but now I'm not. I don't see why she thinks that it fine to store all the frustrations of the day, bring them home and fire them at me? Often she'll come home and (I'm no hero, but to get home to a nice welcome, house cleaned, washing done, ironed, put away, our son feed bathed and in bed, a bath run and fresh pj's and a meal cooked ready, should be something nice...But I can feel the tension! She will (for the passed 3 months) go straight into the study (8.30-9pm) and make client calls for an hour. Then get into the bath, get out of the bath, sit on the sofa, pull out her lap top and start work. I will prepare food (I love to cook!) plate up and then stand over her with her food until she is ready to put down the laptop and take the food from me. Eats without words. Here's the hard bit. She finds it annoying that I stand over her with food waiting for her to finish and after she has eaten and finished work and just before going to bed will vent off at me? The last one was I had put a pile of hair bands on the bathroom basin sink tap (hung over the top of) and they had got wet when she used the tap. The hair bands were the ones she takes out of her hair and throws on the floor when she sits down after getting home from work. The ones my son can find and chew so the safest place is hung over a tap (easy for her to find) and they won't get knocked on the floor again!! God I'm getting a little boring!!!! I'll leave things at that and stop moaning!!...Cup of coffee and put some music on! Thanks for the ear! F Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 My problem is that she is seeking advice from others without asking me. She is now excluding me from the decision making process, and pretty much cutting me out. Planning a move to China without your input and consent isn't "venting", it's undercutting your marriage. Have you discussed this aspect with your MC? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts