Coping with the other guy in your child's life

[Monodare1]

Hi guys

 

I'm 15 months down from initial separation.

Finally starting to see some sort of end game ahead.

 

The house I own jointly with the stbxw is at the accepting the official offer stage and the stbxw have a move in date to her new house down for the second week of October. I am also awaiting an official seperation agreement pending the beginning of divorce proceedings.

 

I had to do the awkward and unsettling act of breifly meeting the exes new guy, shook hands with him and introduced myself as my sons father (despite resisting the urge to grab him by the lapelles and tell him to keep his grubby mits off my son).

 

I'm still finding that aspect really hard. I'm frightened of the new guy having too much of an influence in the upbringing of my son. The boy is my son, the only people who should have a right to influence his upbringing is my self and him mother. I'm finding an overwhelming feeling of resentment against the new guy in regards to my son.

 

How do you deal with this? Although I know u can't do it, I feel a strong urge to lay down some kind of ground rules with the guy to make sure he doesn't step on my toes regards me being my sons father.

 

How do you deal with these feelings?

Edited September 28, 2014 by Monodare1
Spelling in the heading

[oldshirt]

Although I know u can't do it, I feel a strong urge to lay down some kind of ground rules with the guy to make sure he doesn't step on my toes regards me being my sons father.

 

 

I haven't been in your situation personally so take this with a grain of salt, but I don't see what you can't discuss ground rules and such. I would think that would be an assumed part of the process.

 

 

I would think that sitting down and discussing it and coming up with coparenting plan between the three of you would be a necessity.

 

 

IMHO it is critical for you to assert your parenting rights and establishing the boundaries and parameters of the parenting tasks. Otherwise she may very well try to dismiss your parenting role and count you out of the picture and the OM may take license to assert his own parenting beliefs and style which may be in disagreement with yours.

 

 

This is definitely no time to be passive or go-with-the-flow. I would think that you would have to assert your parental rights and responsibilities.

 

 

I think having not only a sit-down conference but also an ongoing parenting dialogue between the three of you is critical.

 

 

You divorced her, not the child. The OM is fcking her, not the child.

 

 

He will by default be an influence in the child's life whether he wants to be or you want him to be or not. It would be your responsibility as father for all of you to be in agreement where the parental authorities and boundaries lay.

 

 

Mom's boyfriends are a major source of very serious child abuse and child injuries and child deaths. I believe that the more supportive and involved the biological fathers are in their childrens lives, the much less likely the risk that the boyfriends will become abuse, neglectful or exploitive of the child.

 

 

I also think having a frank sit-down and discussion of parenting roles and responsibilities will also have an impact on the boyfriend and kind of jar him into reality that there is a child involved in this relationship.

 

 

You don't mention if she had an affair with him during the marriage but 99% of guys that mess with married women just want to fck them and have no interest in parenting or dealing with their children.

 

 

If you approach this from a very practical and matter-of-fact manner on how the child will be raised, it may well give him second thoughts on being with her at all. Once you start discussing with him who is going to be taking care of him when he is sick and who takes him to doctors visits and pick ups/drop offs from school and who buys clothes and who pays for soccer and who hauls him and his teammates to soccer etc etc......

 

 

......suddenly this hot chick that he used to like to bang, is quickly not becoming so hot and sexy any more when he realizes he has to deal with her baggage and has to clean her child's puke when he barfs all over his bed in the middle of the night.

 

 

So I strongly disagree with you that you "can't" discuss parental roles with him, I strongly believe that you HAVE TO.

[No Limit]

Read the post above mine again. Be active, be decisive, it is your right and duty as a father.

[caplion]

With all respects to Old Shirt --- whoa - slow down and be passive for right now. If you have some words with him or him and your ex it doesn't sound like it will go well right now - too much emotion happening. He's your son and that is the end of the story - so unless you are moving a thousand miles away and don't plan to see your son you have nothing to worry about - he knows who his dad is, so relax there big time.

 

You've shown you can do the right thing by introducing yourself without grabbing his lapels - so good start there.

 

I'm going to say that part again - no matter if this guy is father of the year and takes him to every baseball game in the nation - buys him any bicycle he wants - and teaches him Chinese - your his dad - and so even if you are the worst father ever he's still going to like you better. Don't worry.

[d0nnivain]

Just keep the lines of communication open with your son. Be happy if the new guy is a good guy.

 

I was the new person / the interloper. I tried to walk a fine line. I felt like I had some parental responsibilities when the child was in my home. I couldn't let him get hurt on my watch & I needed to make sure he ate, had clean clothes, got to school on time & did his homework but I never felt comfortable importing philosophy / morals.

 

For example, in my situation the kid was older, 13 - 15 while his father & I were together. He once asked me a sex question. I gave him a factual, biological answer but told him he had to talk to his parents about the ethics of the subject. (I did tell him he was too young at that point)

 

Also don't bad mouth your EX, the child's parent, in front of the child or pump the kid for info about the new person. Listen when your child talks & be vigilant but not intrusive.