too late?

[jw09]

Hi all

 

For the last couple of years I have neglected my wife. I have never doubted how much I love her but I've always felt inadequate for her.

 

There was a brief time when my sense of inadequacy got the better of me and I was horrible to her but when I realised what I was doing I stopped and apologised. A couple of months later her dad died and unfortunately my sense of inadequacy reared its head and I just wasn't there for her - the opposite in fact.

 

Since then I thought I had it under control and that although things weren't great its was OK, in fact i started to get grumpy that my wife always seemed sad and wasnt trying. My wife continued to be sad but I put it down to the other stresses in her life . I didn't listen to what she was telling me which was that she felt I didn't trust her and that I continued to act petty and jealous (my words not hers). So she withdrew and I got more resentful.

 

The last few months seemed to be getting better until....

 

Two weeks ago she had a bad day and did the practical support rather than the emotional support. I sensed I had done something wrong but didn't say anything. Instead I festered til bedtime wheb I had a bit of an outburst about her not loving me. She said she didn't want to talk about and the next day was frosty. In the evening once the kids were in bed she went to a friends.when she got home she said something about me not asking if she had a nice time to which I replied 'why would i , you probably spent the whole evening complaining about me' a row followed.

 

Next day was even more frosty until I had an outburst of 'why don't you love me ? Why do you shut me out?' After it calmed down we talked and she said that she doesn't love me hasn't for a while and wants a divorce. I was devastated.

 

Over the next couple of weeks I tried to talk her round. Messaged her friends, tried to put my case to her mum - all the while just further confirming that I was insecure and needy. I can't think how I could have done a better job of pushing her away.

 

Anyway so its now about 16 days since she said she wants a divorce. She is pushing head with lawyers etc. And says its not worth trying as there is no love to try with. She seems to hate me and can't stand to be in the same room as me. I still love her more than I can express with words.

 

So all of this has made me reflect and realise just what an idiot I've been and know what I need to do to be the husband she deserves. Number 1 is ditch the insecurities.

 

So I'm asking is it too late to save my marriage? Is there anything I can do? Is it worth telling her what I now realise or will that just push her away?

 

Thanks

[Ronni_W]

So I'm asking is it too late to save my marriage? Is there anything I can do? Is it worth telling her what I now realise or will that just push her away?

You did that already, remember? ... before her dad died, remember? It won't "push her away" any further than she already is; it just won't make any difference.

 

Personally, yes, I think you left it too late. Way, way, waaayyy too late for your wife. You knew she was unhappy, and you ignored it. You knew there were problems, and you ignored it. You sensed something was wrong, and you ignored it. You knew you needed to fix your insecurities, and you didn't bother.

 

The message all of that sends is that the wife is unimportant; that her mental-emotional well-being is of no concern; that it does not matter if she's there or not. Of course, though, it DOES matter, but for whatever reason that I may never be able to comprehend, it only hits the husband after he has pushed her away permanently, with his lack of caring and interest, and his taking for granted her forever physical presence in the matrimonial home.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Divorce sucks large. I only know how it is, being on the wife's side of it, when it's like you've described. It sucks large. I imagine it could well be worse, on the other side. It may well have sucked larger for my ex-husband because, at one time, he did actually and truly hold all the power for it not to have come to that.

[jakrbbt]

You did that already, remember? ... before her dad died, remember? It won't "push her away" any further than she already is; it just won't make any difference.

 

Personally, yes, I think you left it too late. Way, way, waaayyy too late for your wife. You knew she was unhappy, and you ignored it. You knew there were problems, and you ignored it. You sensed something was wrong, and you ignored it. You knew you needed to fix your insecurities, and you didn't bother.

 

The message all of that sends is that the wife is unimportant; that her mental-emotional well-being is of no concern; that it does not matter if she's there or not. Of course, though, it DOES matter, but for whatever reason that I may never be able to comprehend, it only hits the husband after he has pushed her away permanently, with his lack of caring and interest, and his taking for granted her forever physical presence in the matrimonial home.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Divorce sucks large. I only know how it is, being on the wife's side of it, when it's like you've described. It sucks large. I imagine it could well be worse, on the other side. It may well have sucked larger for my ex-husband because, at one time, he did actually and truly hold all the power for it not to have come to that.

 

Ah but love can be so blind and for that reason alone, it MIGHT not be too late. If you show her with actions actions actions, that you are there for her, she may leap at the notion that the man she loved has returned. I don't know, and I might need some more background or to hear her side before telling you whether I think it is too late.

 

However, please do not think that you lose anything in trying. You will respect yourself better if you do what you believe is supportive, loving, and right. Do you have another woman in your life you care about-- little sister, mother, friend? Do what you would want their husband to do. It will help your sense of inadequacy and may well save your marriage.

[jw09]

Thanks. I suspect it is too late and that is certainly what she says. I feel crushed by that idea

 

I was blind and stupid. My sense of inadequacy meant I didn't let myself hear what was being said. I heard her having a go rather than hearing her say she was sad.

 

I guess I felt rejected and closed up. I figured that if I concentrated on doing the practical stuff and being a good dad to our kids (which i am and she always comnents on that) she would help me to bridge the gap between us. What I didn't realise until now is that would have seemed to her like I was shutting her out more. Every time I complained about feeling shut out it must have been like a dagger for her.

 

What's even more stupid Is that if you asked my friends or colleagues they Would all tell you how proud I am of her and how much I love her I just somehow didn't manage to show her.

 

Right now if you asked her she would talk about all the times I've let her down and there are lots. Sometimes it was because I was having my own issues, some because I took her literally, some I didn't do what she remembers but there were plenty where on reflection i wae just rubbish.

 

I know that somehow I need to give her space, let her go, improve myself and somehow hope that leads to her coming back to me. I just wish that I could find a way to make her believe that I finally get it and for her to give us a chance.

[Ronni_W]

I know that somehow I need to give her space, let her go, improve myself and somehow hope that leads to her coming back to me. I just wish that I could find a way to make her believe that I finally get it and for her to give us a chance.

That's what I heard from my now-ex. "I'll do anything; I'll do everything." But he did not do ONE gd'dmn thing!

 

So...here's your thing that you can do. It will need your time, your emotions, your energy, your effort, your commitment...and that is just the tip of the iceberg of what you'll need to show and prove to her that you are willing to give, if you hope to stand any chance at all: go and get yourself some professional help to get over your sense of inadequacy, your emotional unavailability and your lack of higher-level communication and other relationship skills. Professional help, long-term...not just 3 or 6 sessions.

 

But, AFTER the 6th session -- and no earlier -- tell her what you're doing.

 

ON TOP OF THAT. Check out the marriage builders website; the 'emotional needs' and 'love busters'.

 

Do something, jw09. It needs to be a serious, drastic, committed effort on your part. Do NOT just sit around here and talk about doing it or what you wish you could do if given a chance. She won't be giving you that, so you will need to create your own opportunity. Your marriage is at stake. (It still may be too late, but please do NOT just do nothing at all.)

 

Very best of luck.

[jw09]

I know you're right I suppose I'm just trying to see the route to fix this and kicking myself because I was so blind and stupid. I don't know if its possible for my wife or someone in her position to understand the dawning realisation of what I've been doing wrong and the sickening feeling that goes with it. I would gladly destroy anyone who hurt her and to realise that it was me doing the hurting is horrendous.

 

How could I be so blind is a question that I think everyone would ask and no one will ever know the answer to. I find it difficult to believe that I was so niave.

 

You're spot on though. I've already started trying to get help for my sense of inadequacy because if I don't its going to continue wrecking the best things in my life. I'm not telling her about it because I'm doing it for me and I don't want it TI seem like I'm just making a gesture.

[Ronni_W]

How could I be so blind is a question that I think everyone would ask and no one will ever know the answer to. I find it difficult to believe that I was so niave.

No, not "naive"...that puts you as some innocent young thing. And not "blind", either...unless you mean self-induced blindness, ignoring, denying and pretending away all the 'stuff' that your mind knew was there but that you just didn't want to (bother to) face and deal with.

That is, there is no answer to "how was I so blind?" because you were not blind. And you cannot believe that you were so naive, because you were not naive. (Stop trying to ponder those two things...it'll just keep you off-track of doing what you, your wife and your marriage need you to be doing.)

 

What you did is better described as emotional laziness and emotional selfishness and taking your wife's patience, understanding and good will for granted. Marriage requires an emotional investment also on the part of the man. They seem to know that while they're dating; and they seem also to know how to do it, while they're dating.

 

Start asking how do I never, not ever do that to my wife again? And, with any luck at all, you'll be together in your old age never, not ever having done that to her again. That's what we're hoping for

 

Wishing you the best possible outcome.

[jw09]

Fair point. Niave does sound like some innocent young thing. Wilfully ignorant would be better - I kept wanting to put the sense she was withdrawing down to something else I didn't want to give my sense of inadequacy a chance to come out in the open - I deluded myself that I was keeping it in check after the damage it did previously. It was much easier to feel hard done by because of the the areas she wasn't trying and instead throw my energy in to my kids. I was a coward plain and simple.

 

Actions are what is needed and the ones to improve myself I know. Its the actions to earn back her trust and respect I'm more unsure on. I'll check out the website you mentioned

 

Ronni, I get the sense you were on the other side of this and so I suppose the question is there anyway your ex could have pulled it back? Anyway thank you for taking the time to give me advice. Its very much appreciated as its really helping me to put what I've done in perspective and make it possible for me to never, ever, EVER, hurt any one I love like that again.

[Ronni_W]

Willfully ignorant, yes; self-deluding, yes...and also the other stuff I mentioned. If you don't own it now, and you do manage to get your marriage back...far better to just own it now, to help minimize the risk of you doing it again.

Coward? Probably not. Inability and/or unwillingness to participate in difficult conversations? Probably. Lacking healthy, adult conflict resolution skills? Probably.

Actions are what is needed and the ones to improve myself I know. Its the actions to earn back her trust and respect I'm more unsure on. I'll check out the website you mentioned

The stuff I mentioned will help you earn back some of her trust and respect. As long as you don't half-ass it, or go back to your old ways as soon as things "feel" good for you.

 

At the point that I said I wanted a divorce, no...I was done. But that was after a 3-month "let's see if we can make this work"-period. Even with hindsight, I'm not sure what he might have done during those 3 months, that would have been an encouraging-enough sign for me.

 

It's different where you are, though. She's been pretty emphatic. (She doesn't necessarily "hate" you...that is also be how deep hurt and disappointment and loss and sense of betrayal looks.)

 

Do you two engage in any sort of 'normal' conversations? I know she said she has no more love with which to try. You might try saying that you're not expecting her to give you love; you're hoping for her to give you a chance to show her your love. (I'm just brainstorming, here...you totally need to use what you know about her...the LAST thing you want to do is come off like you memorized some words off a Hallmark card.)

 

What was her favourite thing to do when you were courting her? Did she like getting cards, flowers, chocolates? What do you have, to work with?

[jw09]

I used to randomly pluralise animals and talk about some really random stuff and that always made her smile. I also used to just listen

 

However She's been pretty clear in that she wants 'rid of me'. Its a big turnaround from three weeks ago when we were planning the future though I realise what a catalyst I created when this all blew up. I get the sense that all the stuff I used to do to make her happy would antagonise rather than endear.

 

We do still talk very briefly about things in general or more in depth about the kids but she always cuts it off by making a direct reference to us seperating. I suppose when we met I kept my insecurities hidden now its all she can see.

 

Im definitely lacking some adult conflict resolution skills and that has really tainted a lot of things. In some ways it feels like adultly helping her to move on is actually the best way to handle this both for her happiness and to show I've changed - but equally she might take that as I never really cared.

 

I certainly don't want her to half heartedly try. we both deserve better than a patched up going through the motions relationship in the long term as that will never be secure

[Ronni_W]

Yeah...that's what I meant, jw.

You've gone from, "Is there anything I can do?", to "Nah, I'm doing nothing; I'm not doing one gd'dmn thing!"

 

It was the same, I suppose, in my case. My ex may well have meant, "Is there anything EASY I can do?"

 

When you adultly help your soon-to-be-ex-wife move on, you can tell her that it's not what you want...but you also don't want to impede her finding her own happiness. She may buy that; she may never know that you couldn't find it in you to even try (make attempts) to fight for her.

 

Divorce still sucks large, and I still wish you and your family the best, through it.

[jw09]

I can see what you mean but I do want to try and not only if its easy and I know for a while at least all the effort has to come from me. Its just at some level she has to be open to it working out otherwise nothing will work and there is no way to know that without trying. IF I can make it work then I want to do it right so that we never end up anywhere near this point again.

 

A magic bullet solution would be nice by I know it doesn't exist. To be honest I would take a twelve tasks of Hercules type solution because at least then I would know what's needed

 

I guess the uncertainty is in how whatever I do will be interpreted. I don't want my efforts to push her further away. If I fight her on the separation/divorce then I'm not respecting her wishes and she feels trapped. If I make it easy then it seems like I don't care. If I talk to her it annoys her but if I withdraw I'm just repeating behaviour that led here.

 

You've already picked up that there are plenty of changes I need to make in myself and not just to try and save my marriage. They're the kind of things that I think need to be addressed to give me a chance of having a happy life so sorting them is win-win and definitely something I'm trying to do but it won't be an overnight fix.

 

Thanks again for the advice

[jw09]

Just a question really. I'm trying to give her space like she asked though its tricky when we still live in the same house and have 2 small kids. That in itself is uncomfortable as I feel like I'm ignoring her. Anyway can anyone explain why she is being so hostile and is there anything I can do to diffuse it a bit? (I'm not reacting to it outwardly but its killing me inside)

[Mr. Lucky]

Anyway can anyone explain why she is being so hostile and is there anything I can do to diffuse it a bit? (I'm not reacting to it outwardly but its killing me inside)

It's easier for her to split if she can convince herself she's mad at you.

 

Honestly, it's probably a better sign than complete indifference...

 

Mr. Lucky