For a Friend: Considering Ending My Marriage, But Don't Want to take the Risk.

[Natsu21]

Thanks guys. I would appreciate some feedback here for my friend.

 

 

She's been married to this man for 13 years. Five years ago she was diagnosed with severe Rheaumatoid Arthritis. She had surgery a while back and was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. Her husband didn't show up during both her surgeries and was found to be sleeping the days away instead of supporting her.

 

I am not the best representative for my friend but I'll do my best. She requested that I post on here. Their intimate life is nonexistent. He has heart problems that pretty much killed his sex drive. She bought toys for them to continue their sex life, but he doesn't even want to get involved with them. He lost his job due to his heart condition but doesn't do anything but sit around, watch TV, eat a lot, and complain about how blacks have taken over the neighborhood.

 

She cooks and cleans for him and their 4 kids while he sits and does nothing. The RA is slowly crippling her. Once, when she was out seeing her father for half an hour and he starts yelling at her to get home because the kids were getting on his nerves and she needs to put them to bed. He also prohibits her from having friends and hanging out outside of the home saying that he should be enough for her.

 

She's torn. She suggested counseling but he refuses.

 

And then there's the kids. Her daughter came to her last night and asked "Why haven't you divorced Daddy yet?"

 

The issue is finances and security. He doesn't work and neither does she, but his side of the family owns a major portion of the land they live on. If she divorces him, she forfeits the inheritance and the children may end up homeless and without an inheritance, and she doesn't want them to struggle. She lives in a small town, just like I do, and as I told you guys before, I'm getting away from here.

 

 

 

I have never been married in my life so I would think you guys would make some suggestions for her.

 

What should she do? Divorce him, or stay with him for the kids security?

[preraph]

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here as best I can given he's being a jerk. He is no doubt depressed about losing his job and losing his sex drive and having heart problems and it's true he probably doesn't need the stress of the kids, but she has her problems too and it would be better if he could rally a little.

 

I truly believe she's dealing with a very depressed man with eroded self-esteem now all around who probably feels worthless. Him sleeping all the time is a sign of it and honestly who wouldn't be depressed in his situation. Now, is he selfish, yes, sir. But if he's really depressed, he has not got enough to deal with his own self, much less also care for his wife and kids. She very well may also be depressed but doesn't sound like as bad as him. She's functioning.

 

My suggestion is this. Talk to her and ask her what he was like before his heart problems and losing his job. Was he pitching in and supporting her emotionally and around the house and taking care of her and the kids? Or was he a couch potato even then and never helped much and couldn't be counted on for anything?

 

If he used to be nicer and useful and a normal husband, she needs to stick by him AND insist he at least go to his physician and tell him he's depressed and maybe take something for it. It doesn't have to cost a lot if you just go to your family doctor for it.

 

If he was always inconsiderate and lazy and useless, she should have divorced him years ago. And no matter when it started, no one should try to keep anyone from having friends.

 

Not knowing if you are in the US or elsewhere, I can't say if the estate is a big problem. If she's in the US, she can take custody of the kids, get the maximum government aid and he'll have to come up with some child support and maybe it would motivate him to get working. You would know best her options if you're in another country. But if in the US, she goes to court if she's leaving him and I'm guessing she's already getting some gov't money or how would they be living. She's qualify for low-rent housing, etc. It's not ideal, but life rarely is.

 

You're a good friend. Good luck.

[Natsu21]

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt here as best I can given he's being a jerk. He is no doubt depressed about losing his job and losing his sex drive and having heart problems and it's true he probably doesn't need the stress of the kids, but she has her problems too and it would be better if he could rally a little.

 

I truly believe she's dealing with a very depressed man with eroded self-esteem now all around who probably feels worthless. Him sleeping all the time is a sign of it and honestly who wouldn't be depressed in his situation. Now, is he selfish, yes, sir. But if he's really depressed, he has not got enough to deal with his own self, much less also care for his wife and kids. She very well may also be depressed but doesn't sound like as bad as him. She's functioning.

 

My suggestion is this. Talk to her and ask her what he was like before his heart problems and losing his job. Was he pitching in and supporting her emotionally and around the house and taking care of her and the kids? Or was he a couch potato even then and never helped much and couldn't be counted on for anything?

 

If he used to be nicer and useful and a normal husband, she needs to stick by him AND insist he at least go to his physician and tell him he's depressed and maybe take something for it. It doesn't have to cost a lot if you just go to your family doctor for it.

 

If he was always inconsiderate and lazy and useless, she should have divorced him years ago. And no matter when it started, no one should try to keep anyone from having friends.

 

Not knowing if you are in the US or elsewhere, I can't say if the estate is a big problem. If she's in the US, she can take custody of the kids, get the maximum government aid and he'll have to come up with some child support and maybe it would motivate him to get working. You would know best her options if you're in another country. But if in the US, she goes to court if she's leaving him and I'm guessing she's already getting some gov't money or how would they be living. She's qualify for low-rent housing, etc. It's not ideal, but life rarely is.

 

You're a good friend. Good luck.

 

That was the answer I was looking for. Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And yeah, he wasn't always a jerk. He was a loving father and great provider who worked his ass off to provide for his family.

 

But he's been very depressed, lately. You see, in my area...a lot of men here only know work and know nothing else. His pride is shot.

 

He needs a new lease on life.

[PegNosePete]

The issue is finances and security. He doesn't work and neither does she, but his side of the family owns a major portion of the land they live on. If she divorces him, she forfeits the inheritance and the children may end up homeless and without an inheritance, and she doesn't want them to struggle.

Inheritance, hmm. An issue often misunderstood. The inheritance is not hers, and not her husbands either. In fact it is not an inheritance at all, while the owners are still alive! It is someone else's stuff!

 

Even if she stays married, what guarantee does she have that she or the kids will get the inheritance? What if his parents decide to sell the land and blow the lot on a round the world on holiday? What if they decide to leave it all to the local cats home? What if they fall out with her husband and leave it all to other siblings?

 

I'm sorry to say, inheritance or inheritance potential counts for nothing. The only things that matter are what she owns, what her husband owns, and what they jointly own. Waiting around for someone to die so you can get their stuff, is not looked on kindly.

 

Look at it from the parents point of view. Someone is staying married to their son, so she can get her hands of their money when they die. Would you be happy with that, if you were the parents? I certainly wouldn't. In fact I would go out of my way to make sure that person doesn't get a dime. I would leave the money in a trust fund for the grandchildren. And I would do exactly the same if they got divorced. So, staying married to him would not change the inheritance situation in the slightest.

 

Your friend should see a lawyer (many do a FREE initial consultation) to find out what the financial implications of divorce would be, find out what help would be available to her, and how she could live on her own. Millions of people do it perfectly fine.

Edited September 26, 2014 by PegNosePete

[BlessingInDisguise]

Any man that claims to love you, and you're in the hospital for two weeks and he doesn't come to see you, does not love you. He should have been running to be by your side. Sometimes the truth hurts and people don't want to face reality, believe me, I know. If her daughter can see it, why can't she? He seems to be abusive and has her isolated from family and friends, which they typically do. She's worth more than that, but she has to realize it. Staying for the kids is not the answer. Obviously, they feel the turmoil that's going on. Don't le him fool you, heart problem or not, he's probably sleeping with someone. If you have 4 kids, he will have to pay child support. I just went thru a divorce, I know how it is. Like I said she needs to run...and run fast.

[preraph]

That was the answer I was looking for. Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

And yeah, he wasn't always a jerk. He was a loving father and great provider who worked his ass off to provide for his family.

 

But he's been very depressed, lately. You see, in my area...a lot of men here only know work and know nothing else. His pride is shot.

 

He needs a new lease on life.

 

He needs help. Now whoever can influence him needs to be called on to just get him to the family doctor and on some antidepressants, for a start. Once he can get that under control, maybe job hunting will be more of a goal he can achieve. She should meanwhile seek help wherever she can get it, emotionally from friends and family, more financial aid. A social worker in the US might have some other good resources she could tap into.