Can you fall out of love?

[felloutoflove07]

This is my first ever attempt at joining a discussion forum, so I hope I am able to get as many responses as possible.

 

 

Long story short: I met my husband when I was 18 years old fresh out of high school. We met at work. He was 26 at the time. I was in a relationship with my highschool sweet heart and ended up cheating on him with him! Then I got together with him and ended up cheating on him with my ex! It was your classic love triangle. I was confused by jumping out of one relationship and immediately getting back into one hot and heavy. I finally cut ties with the ex and we continued dating and we got married when I was 21. He had trust issues from the get go and continued having trust issues once we got married because I lied to him numerous times when we first got together and cheating on him with my ex. The marriage has been rocky every since.

 

 

In 2007 some random guy called my phone one night and I didn't even know who it was and my husband answered and they asked for me. He told him a few choice words to say the least and then came flying into the bedroom at midnight accusing me of cheating on him with whoever called my phone. I had no clue who it was. I worked for a cell phone company at the time so it was a company phone so it could have been a customer that had my card or something! Who knows. Regardless, he accused me of cheating and I had dealt with him being so overbearing not trusting me for 6 years since we were married that I couldn't take it anymore. I punched him in the face because rage came over me and I couldn't control myself. He called the cops and feared for his life and they came to the house with my two kids at the time tucked in bed and arrested me for the night. That was the most humiliating thing I have ever had to encounter. The next day he filed a EPO against me and I had to move out of my own house in with my parents for two weeks. During that two weeks I was texting and talking with a couple guys I worked with. I even was attracted to one of them. Nothing happened. My husband and I made amends and reconciled after a few months of separation. Things were great for the next few years for the most part. Then we had another child in 2008 and moved out of town for his job. Never living anywhere else before except my hometown, I was so lonely and sad bc we moved 4 hours away from family. I became depressed, lonely, and had anxiety. Our relationship productively got worse again and we ended up separating summer of 2010 and I moved back to my hometown.

 

 

I know I am writing a book but I have to put details in here so I can get the best advice. We remained separated and off and on for the next two years. It was brutal and one of the worst 2 years of my life. Dreadful, depressed, you name it, I felt it. Finally, I got God involved heavily in my life and began plugging in at a local church with the kids. I met some wonderful people and God worked some serious miracles in my marriage. That was in 2011.

 

 

Well now fast forward to 2014 and here I am unhappy. My husband has always worked out of town and had to stay overnight. He works retail and has never had a stable schedule. His hours were all over the place. His last job he took a job two hours away from where we lived. All I did was apply for jobs for him left and right to try and get him out of retail so that he could be in town and we could be a real family. Well, now he has that job since the beginning of August. Our kids are 12, 8, and 6. Now, I am completely unhappy with him, no attraction to him whatsoever, cold, checked out, unemotional. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAS HAPPENED!!! He is devastated to know this. I even went as much as to text another man that I was attracted to after we were going to split up this 3rd time! I have high interest in wanting to date around because I feel like I missed out.

 

 

I don't know what to do. Overall, my husband is a good guy. He's very clingy to me. He almost smothers me. He doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs,, cheat, watch sports, nothing! He is like the ideal husband but I am just simply not happy with him and feel like I have fell out of love with him. I don't know that I have ever been truly madly deeply in love with him like I was my previous relationships. However, I have my kids to worry about and I am a Christian, and I am so worried about what to do and worried that I will regret it later if I get out.

 

 

I need all the advice I can get from anyone out there that is or has been in a similar situation. Do I stay for my kids and be unhappy and not in love? Or do I leave and make me happy and my kids unhappy? Also, I feel like I should honor God and make my marriage work eventhough I don't think I want to.

 

 

SO CONFUSED! PLEASE HELP.

 

 

I VERY MUCH WOULD APPRECIATE ANY ADVICE I CAN GET.

 

 

I have talked to friends and family but everyone keeps saying only me can make the decision. But I don't know what to do!!!!!!

[d0nnivain]

You want more romance. I suspect if he was around more & paid more attention to you, then you would feel more connected to him. Unfortunately because you got together so young, you act out -- cheating & violence -- when you are upset. You already know you were miserable during the two years you were apart so divorce isn't your answer.

 

Have you tried organizing date nights? If you two worked on your marriage, paid more attention to each other & acted like you are still dating things would look rosier.

 

Marriage counseling may also help. Get the pastor from your church involved.

[Justanaverageguy]

Putting aside the relationship issues and history you provided - I'd like to ask you a question. How old you are how ? Are you late 20's / early 30's ?

 

I ask because I recently read some interesting things about the changes a lot of women go through at this age. Based on some of the things you said it seems like it could be very relevant to you. Especially the parts how you seem to think your husband is a good guy .... and can't quite understand why your feelings / attraction to him has changed so much recently.

 

It is becoming a bit of a phenomenon for women at this age to feel a sudden loss of sexual desire for their long term partners due to hormonal changes they go through. They often say they feel like they "fell out of love" .... but when quizzed further they still do feel love and attachment to their partner .... but just no sexual attraction. A lot of women even go as far as saying they actually start to feel "repulsed" by the thought of being intimate with their husbands and begin actively avoiding it.

 

Many also report that at the same time they suddenly feel an overwhelming sense of desire for other men. Quite frequently this results in them leaving - and or - cheating on their husbands.

 

Wondering if you fall into this age bracket. Could offer you some interesting reading material which may help explain some of what you're going through.

[Justanaverageguy]

You want more romance. I suspect if he was around more & paid more attention to you, then you would feel more connected to him. Unfortunately because you got together so young, you act out -- cheating & violence -- when you are upset. You already know you were miserable during the two years you were apart so divorce isn't your answer.

 

Have you tried organizing date nights? If you two worked on your marriage, paid more attention to each other & acted like you are still dating things would look rosier.

 

 

I don't agree - in fact I think the exact opposite. I think now her husband knows something is wrong he is probably going out of his way to be more attentive and do more things for her.

 

I find it funny that in the same post the OP has claimed her husband to be too "clingy" yet also complained he works on the road a lot and is not around enough. So she complained he smother's her .... but he is not around enough ? Does not make sense does it.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

To me even though you reconciled, split and came back... there are many issues that balled up through time.

 

Thus falling out of love.

 

To get love back, that is hard, as you have so many things going on that you may not exactly know what is the trouble.

 

I worked with my SM for over a year to isolate an issue that she felt was not. All from after she reached puberty... it clings to her, but until understood what I addressed what I was seeing, she realized it was a block that effected our relationship.

 

It was a hit or miss thing, as to her the issue was not major and forgotten. But somehow I saw something about her that showed too much protection when there should not be.

 

I guess a lack of being able to address issues has been a down fall with husband. Mainly because he is actively being a bit clingy. Showing love and understanding by doing, not confronting. Thus your issues are being passed on to him. You may see him mirror you in ways that will remove you from feeling attached.

 

If you want to give it your best try, a professional can assist with bringing issues out and allowing you to work with your husband at removing his mirror side from reflecting back at you.

 

That is what I feel, but am guessing at the lack of really seeing the full picture. Then again, a professional can determine if my hunch is correct or needs to go a different direction.

 

At least you know what is happening and want to correct, some just give up and terminate the marriage. So, you have hope and what appears to be energy to give it a try.

[d0nnivain]

I find it funny that in the same post the OP has claimed her husband to be too "clingy" yet also complained he works on the road a lot and is not around enough. So she complained he smother's her .... but he is not around enough ? Does not make sense does it.

 

I took it to mean he's on her case: where are you? what are you doing? etc. Like a jealous reaction to past indiscretions. When he felt her pulling away he got clingy.

 

I still think if she were getting the "right" kind of attention: love, romance, great dates, getting lost in each other's eyes, that tingly dizzying sensation of falling in love, she'd be happier.

 

I'm not saying that the OP's husband is obligated to turn on the charm at least not without her being fully committed to the marriage & their future together. I also wonder if the OP has a realistic view of mature love which is more subtle then the initial magic of infatuation. She may be missing that whole fairytale BS.

[felloutoflove07]

I am 34 years old. My husband has always been clingy the entire time we have been together. He wants me to be very touchy feely with him and I don't have the desire to as much. I don't think I have the desire to be affectionate with him.

 

 

I am trying to figure out if I don't like to be physical in general or have sex in general, or just with him. Because obviously I found this other guy recently very attractive and would have been very interested in starting a relationship with him thus becoming very physical.

 

 

My husband has gained a significant amount of weight and I think that is part of it too. Plus he wants to have sex at least 5 days a week. Are most men like that? I have nothing to compare it to because I have only been with him since 18. I haven't dated as an adult.

 

 

I think I just feel like that since we've had so many problems and that most of my friends and family aren't huge fans of him (especially b/c he is very abrasive and speaks whats on his mind regardless if he offends someone). I somewhat feel embarrassed that he put me in jail and that we've had all these problems and have split 2 different times. Are all marriages this rocky?

 

 

I want to enjoy my partner, have a soulmate, be in love, respect my husband and be able to esteem him with words of affirmation. I have never been able to do that with him or feel like he is my absolute soulmate in life. Does that even exist??????

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I am 34 years old. My husband has always been clingy the entire time we have been together. He wants me to be very touchy feely with him and I don't have the desire to as much. I don't think I have the desire to be affectionate with him.

 

 

I am trying to figure out if I don't like to be physical in general or have sex in general, or just with him. Because obviously I found this other guy recently very attractive and would have been very interested in starting a relationship with him thus becoming very physical.

 

 

My husband has gained a significant amount of weight and I think that is part of it too. Plus he wants to have sex at least 5 days a week. Are most men like that? I have nothing to compare it to because I have only been with him since 18. I haven't dated as an adult.

 

 

I think I just feel like that since we've had so many problems and that most of my friends and family aren't huge fans of him (especially b/c he is very abrasive and speaks whats on his mind regardless if he offends someone). I somewhat feel embarrassed that he put me in jail and that we've had all these problems and have split 2 different times. Are all marriages this rocky?

 

 

I want to enjoy my partner, have a soulmate, be in love, respect my husband and be able to esteem him with words of affirmation. I have never been able to do that with him or feel like he is my absolute soulmate in life. Does that even exist??????

 

Gosh, I am going out on a wee limb, not to knock you off but show you something you may be overlooking.

 

Soul mate... that is a touchy subject here, as they are rare... I mean rare.

I have a SM for myself. I will not do comparisons but if your husband is a true SM, he will see things differently than most men as he is tuned to you in ways others have difficulty with, and that may be your only connection with him, and your relying on emotional needs as well as he.

 

Unfortunately something is wrong that just does not seem right, and I am still not seeing how to get around the subject.

 

Most would say overweight would stunt sexual activity. To me it is a misnomer, you have to be overly overweight. 5 times a week is over the norm, but if you can handle it all the good. But there are peeps who claim everyday is a sex day. I would worry if you had less than once a week. There are many happy couples having once a week sex. It is not how much you get, it is what you make of it.

 

I guess I can't get passed the clingy... clingy is not good. You can be needy time to time, but clingy shows some issues on his side that need to be resolved. I know it is a nice feeling to have clingy giving to you as if you are a queen, but it is not love that makes a man or woman clingy. It is an emotional issue deep within. Maybe he fears separation, or does not feel he can talk and be understood, or wants more affection from you. Who knows, until he opens up to what he needs or has issue with, we could pick away at him in getting nowhere.

 

It seems to me that your heading to being best friends, and starting a life to meet your needs. That in a way seems like you grew apart, and your husband being the SM he is, is allowing you to make the decision as he is being a true to you in unconditional love, in allowing you to be free as he loves you too much to take any happiness away from you.

 

Since you separated twice, it leads me to believe he is always going to come back to you every time you do split. Just because of his clingy side.

 

I am not sure you have what you have. With all intents and purposes your heart and soul is there, just for the wrong reasons to allow the cycle to continue.

 

The more I try to make your side plausible the harder it is to sort all the issues out for you. You may have to do talks with him in a personal level. It may be like digging for oil in your back yard, but he is leaving you no choice by being a clam shell.

[Justanaverageguy]

I commend you for being so open and honest about what your going through - a lot of women aren't. They just have an "eat, pray, love" mid life crisis moment and cheat on their husbands and run off with another man. You obviously have strong morals and want to act in a honest and respectful way which is great.

 

I would like to give you the information I mentioned earlier to read. I really think you will find it relevant to what your feeling right now. A lot of the things you mentioned are basically covered. About not wanting physical affection from your husband, not finding him attractive - then meeting another man who you found attractive and who suddenly reactivated your sexual desires. Even you specifically mentioning the notion of "soul mates" and him wanting sex too often is covered. I think there are sections you will read and basically just say ..... wow that's me. Do you have an email address I can send it ? Not sure if its possible to PM on this board or not.

 

Just like your friends and family I can't tell you what to do and whether to stay with your husband - neither will the information but I think it might help you make a more informed decision. Based on your history you have definitely had some issues in the past .... so its not a "perfect" marriage - but in my opinion no marriage ever is. It does not exist just as a soul mate does not exist. That's just a stupid term Hollywood made up to romanticize the notion of love.

 

The reality is there is no "perfect" man for you. There are just men, some good, some bad. Some compatible with you and some not. If you found a good one, who cares for you, has your best interests at heart, loves you and you children and would run through a brick wall if you asked him to. Treasure that. Treat him with respect he deserves even if you decide you no longer want to be his wife.

 

As a man my personal opinion is women have overly inflated expectations of what love is and what men are supposed to bring to the relationship. They have been raised on a diet of Hollywood movies and fairy tales about a perfect love and a soul mate that is going to change your life, bring you happiness and leave you gasping for air. And I'm not saying you should settle or sacrifice your happiness but the reality is long term relationships are a marathon not a sprint. You will go through good times and bad. There will be times when one partner is weaker and less attractive andif you want it to last the other partner has to sacrifice and carry additional load to get through that period.

 

You have been married to this guy for 16 years so I'm certain that you have loved him in that time. The question is whether you still do. It is possible that you have grown apart in that time - and if you can't give him your full commitment then perhaps it is for the best that you end it.

 

Only you can make that decision and decide what's in your heart.

[felloutoflove07]

I commend you for being so open and honest about what your going through - a lot of women aren't. They just have an "eat, pray, love" mid life crisis moment and cheat on their husbands and run off with another man. You obviously have strong morals and want to act in a honest and respectful way which is great.

 

I would like to give you the information I mentioned earlier to read. I really think you will find it relevant to what your feeling right now. A lot of the things you mentioned are basically covered. About not wanting physical affection from your husband, not finding him attractive - then meeting another man who you found attractive and who suddenly reactivated your sexual desires. Even you specifically mentioning the notion of "soul mates" and him wanting sex too often is covered. I think there are sections you will read and basically just say ..... wow that's me. Do you have an email address I can send it ? Not sure if its possible to PM on this board or not.

 

Just like your friends and family I can't tell you what to do and whether to stay with your husband - neither will the information but I think it might help you make a more informed decision. Based on your history you have definitely had some issues in the past .... so its not a "perfect" marriage - but in my opinion no marriage ever is. It does not exist just as a soul mate does not exist. That's just a stupid term Hollywood made up to romanticize the notion of love.

 

The reality is there is no "perfect" man for you. There are just men, some good, some bad. Some compatible with you and some not. If you found a good one, who cares for you, has your best interests at heart, loves you and you children and would run through a brick wall if you asked him to. Treasure that. Treat him with respect he deserves even if you decide you no longer want to be his wife.

 

As a man my personal opinion is women have overly inflated expectations of what love is and what men are supposed to bring to the relationship. They have been raised on a diet of Hollywood movies and fairy tales about a perfect love and a soul mate that is going to change your life, bring you happiness and leave you gasping for air. And I'm not saying you should settle or sacrifice your happiness but the reality is long term relationships are a marathon not a sprint. You will go through good times and bad. There will be times when one partner is weaker and less attractive andif you want it to last the other partner has to sacrifice and carry additional load to get through that period.

 

You have been married to this guy for 16 years so I'm certain that you have loved him in that time. The question is whether you still do. It is possible that you have grown apart in that time - and if you can't give him your full commitment then perhaps it is for the best that you end it.

 

Only you can make that decision and decide what's in your heart.

 

Wow! What a great response! I agree there are troubles in every marriage and I do agree that I should respect him. What you said about treasuring me, loving me, having my best interests at heart, and running through a brickwall is absolutely him for sure. I am the one who doesn't seem to give much back in the marriage because I think maybe I'm holding on to all the issues that we've had in the past and truly haven't forgiven him. I don't know!!!

 

 

I am struggling, but these responses are wonderful. Keep them coming.