Monodare1 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Hi troops Been a while, but here goes. Finally getting my house sold. My stbxw has bought a house and is moving her new guy in with her and my 3 and a half year old son. It's becoming apparent that for my sons sake I'm going to have to meet the stbxw's boyfriend. I'm concerned and worried that the new guy will take my place as my sons father figure and the thought frightens me. To the guys out there who have experienced this, how do I meet the guy, and what rules if any should I set out to make the guy aware that I'm my sons father and won't tolerate interference in my fatherly role? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Don't start off adversarially. If you go in spoiling for a fight, you are likely to get one. Rather, calmly talk to your EX about her expectations for her new guy's role in your son's life. He will have some parental responsibilities when the child is with them if for no other reason then safety: don't jump on the furniture, wear your seatbelt etc. Be grateful if he's kind to your son. Keep communication open with your child. Be there for him. Attend school events & activities. See him when you have visitation. Love him. Your son knows who is father is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 I'm concerned and worried that the new guy will take my place as my sons father figure and the thought frightens me. No need. My father was gone when I was 4 years old. My mother did attempt getting into a relationship again a few times, but frankly I didn't even accept them as family, focused on my mom only basically. Haven't seen my father in 14 years and even though I don't know him anymore and can barely remember his face, that spot is reserved. Dusty and has some cobwebs on them, but filled nonetheless. Besides, what your STBX doesn't realize is that her new guy could care less about your kid. Sure he'll be nice, but that's it. He will just sit on the couch and watch TV when she's gone to the supermarket and tells him to keep an eye on him, he'll go fetch some beer for himself and sit in a corner when told to play football with him, he'll go take a nap when told to help your son with his homework... and all of that will make your son like him even less. I could go on, but if all this hasn't calmed you down yet, one more straw: do you realize that single mothers mostly remain single mothers? No guy wants to take care of another guys' kid. That's why he's only the BF, he can leave the moment a better option arrives (although marriage vows won't prevent him from doing that either). That's why men run for the hills the moment the paternity test confirms the child is not theirs. That's why single mothers are well-liked targets for FWB; they will fall easily for honeyed words, are often desperate and too focused on the kid to get attached quickly. Now instead of worrying, just do your thing. Make the time you two get to spend with each other all the sweeter. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 You really have no choice. You cannot set rules no more than your ex can set rules when you meet someone. Don is right, you are the father and your child loves you. I have the same thing with my eldest. I accept and things are good as does her mother. Not easy but it will get better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nikita77 Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 (edited) I know so many men who grew up with perfectly nice stepfathers from that young an age AND they saw their fathers way less than half-time AND they liked their step-dads and you know what, Dad is Dad. I have one friend whose little boy has never even met his daddy, abandoned while in the womb, and is now 10 yrs old. He BEGS to see his daddy. He has no stepdad, but his grandpa has adopted him legally and lives with him. No matter: Dad is Dad. Your kid will have nowhere near a sophisticated-enough sense of time to tally up hours with stepdad vs. hours with Daddy. Any given five minutes playing with you, is more likely to stay in his memory than most other things. Be consistently there for him for as much time as your visitation allows, and he will feel secure in having a daddy and that daddy will be YOU even if he also has a stepdad who is around a lot too. Your fear is reasonable, but is based in emotions only. It is based on your love for your son and your need for the bond. That's just because you're a good dad, and these unfounded fears are a side-effect of that. If you need reassurance, do see a family counselor. As a little tip, I'm not divorced at this point, but at one time my daughter was running to daddy and clinging to him more than me. I decided to stop folding laundry et c. with her around, and focused on just romping and playing. It only took a few days of made-up games here and there for a few minutes to a half-hour. Soon she was at least as attached to me, more so in fact. That would not have happened so quickly with a stepparent or babysitter-- I know, bc her grandma does it too. And she wasn't even 2 yet. No, the bond between your son and yourself is very, very easily fostered and is as precious to him as it is to you. Best of luck. Edited September 16, 2014 by nikita77 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 You won't be replaced as long as you're not an absent father. That's just not the way it works. My father was absent, so my stepfather IS my dad. But my stepsisters had him as their natural father, and their own stepdad.... who is loved, but still never "dad". And we were all very young when the divorces and re marriages happened, about your sons age. All that will happen is that your son will have extra people to love, and that can only be a good thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Hi troops Been a while, but here goes. Finally getting my house sold. My stbxw has bought a house and is moving her new guy in with her and my 3 and a half year old son. It's becoming apparent that for my sons sake I'm going to have to meet the stbxw's boyfriend. I'm concerned and worried that the new guy will take my place as my sons father figure and the thought frightens me. To the guys out there who have experienced this, how do I meet the guy, and what rules if any should I set out to make the guy aware that I'm my sons father and won't tolerate interference in my fatherly role? Good post Mondare! I had the same concerns, but as long as you are there for your kids you'll always be dad. Meeting the guy may seem awkward (it is), but just be cool and don't go in there with a chip on your shoulder. I met the XW's BF and he seems like an OK guy. The cool thing is that the XW doesn't allow the BF to resemble anything that looks like a "dad". I get where you are coming from with the rules, I thought of laying them out but soon passed on that idea as I know that what I say and want makes no real difference to the new guy. He seems to treat my daughter well and that is all I care about. I won't worry about what has not happened yet, however, if something does go awry I will be right there like white on rice to take care of any problems. It's funny, the BF did something that upset my daughter and she rolled into "You're not my daddy!" He quickly excused himself and the XW had me come over. I have known the BF for awhile and he really seems like a good guy. He did nothing wrong and to help my daughter (and really me ) I told my daughter that we want to be nice to the BF. I say this because due to the fact that my XW is soooooo insecure, I would rather stick with the current BF as who knows what the next BF may be like. When I say insecure in regards to the XW, what I mean is that she'll date/stay with anyone that will have her these days. You seem like a good dude Mondare.....Hold tight my friend, you'll ALWAYS be dad! Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted September 18, 2014 Share Posted September 18, 2014 Your number one priority is your relationship with your son. You love him, accept him, make him feel like he's the lone star on your horizon. You establish that, and no-one else is going to break that bond. The stronger that bond becomes, the more easy and relaxed you are. Other people can "parent", "father" do whatever they do. It doesn't matter. What you have is on a whole different plane. And nothing breaks it. I know. I've been there. Kids are smart. They're capable of being as loyal as the day is long. You give them good reason to be that way, and they never forget it. (Even during those turbulent teens.) You can't control what exes do, with the other partners in their lives. The one thing you can control is the relationship YOU have with your boy. And believe me, he will respond to your strength, your pride, your love and your honesty. Dad to him isn't the one who wakes up in mom's bedroom. It's the one who he trusts.....for the constant things that matter the most. Kids know what real unconditional love is. It is strong enough to survive marital breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
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