Move out now or in a few months?

[nikita77]

Three years ago, my husband lost his dream job after throwing kind of a verbal temper tantrum at his boss. He started smoking pot, refused to do anything except watch tv, and started yelling at me a lot, though he has never hit me. I don't yell back, but I do argue sometimes and I tell him he is unreasonable. We started sleeping in separate beds. I really think something happened to him before he went bezerk at work, but he refuses to discuss all that.

 

Then for two weeks we decided to sleep together again. I got pregnant. I asked him to get a job and quit smoking weed, but that only annoyed him. However, when our daughter was a few months old, he did quit. The lethargy stuck around, he won't work or do anything besides TV, and he's very rude and uncommunicative still. He also became very, very controlling-- like creepy controlling.

 

We went to marriage counseling and spent a lot of sessions talking about trust and housework. He refuses to get any individual counseling. He says that if I don't like things the way they are, then that is just too bad. Then he said counseling was a waste of time and quit going. I told him that I wanted a divorce if things didn't improve, and he told me I have no right to do that to him. He had his dad call me and lecture me about staying in a marriage and religious beliefs bla bla bla. I am not of the same religion that his father is.

 

Then, earlier this year, he "cheated" on me. I put that in quotations because he went on several dates, talked a lot on the phone, and made out with this woman, but he says he did not sleep with her. I have no reason to believe or disbelieve him, really. I don't trust him but I just don't know what happened. It's enough that he did what he did.

 

He also gave her some of my clothes (??) (!!!) and took her out to dinner with my credit card that I let him use sometimes for groceries. Really, those are the things that make it hardest to get over and trust him. I just can't. Plus he won't do any more counseling.

 

Our daughter is now 2 years old. My husband and I argue a lot, him yelling and slamming doors, me crying and probably whining. It's very stressful to be in the same house. He still texts the OW. I try to just pay attention to my daughter and pretend he isn't here, but that's impossible. Not to mention, he wakes me up at night sometimes asking me to mop and dust et c. because he wants me to keep perfect house. I don't know if he was faking his whole personality before marriage, or if the pot turned him into some kind of woman-hating controller. I only know, I've decided on divorce. If I can go through with it.

 

So my question about moving:

 

We are renting a beautiful house in a great neighborhood. We pay $1400 per month. I am the one who pays the rent and all the bills. Our lease ends in December. Then, it's month-to-month.

 

My lawyer tells me that my husband may try to "squat"-- that is, refuse to move out-- if I file for divorce. I did mention divorce once and my husband said "Well, I don't know where you'll go if we separate." He clearly wants to stay put-- though how he'll pay the rent, I don't know. He thinks that if I file for divorce then it's my "fault" and I'll have to move, not him.

 

My lawyer has advised me to move out. He says, if I can stand to wait, then to tell my husband in November that I will be moving in December when the lease is up. There's no way my husband can force me to pay rent there after the lease is up, nor can he force me to let him move in with me where I go.

 

When I move, my husband will have to get a job and a roommate, or move out. Or if not, he'll get evicted. The reason for letting him know well before I move is not just to be decent, but also so that we have time to go to court and get a custody/visitation order before I actually move out.

 

Well, I have found a place that is available now. And I love it. It's $1250 per month. So if I move now, I'll pay rent for two places, for two months.

That's $2400 extra-- not including the $1200 deposit for the new place because I won't get my deposit on this current place back right away if my husband stays. (We are both on the lease now, and I paid the deposit.) I save only $1800 for the year if you take the difference between the new, lower rent and staying here for another year. Obviously, that falls short of the $2400 that moving early will cost me.

 

So it might make more sense to wait until December, and move into a place that is nicer, even if it is also $1400, that I like more. Then I am neither saving nor paying extra based on moving. Or of course I could still go ahead and downgrade, but just wait until December and see what is out there.

 

but I'd like to move now for a couple reasons. First, I get out right away, and into a place I know I like even though it's a lot smaller than the one I'm in now. Second, it gives my husband a couple months (while I keep paying rent here) to get used to the idea that I'm really divorcing him, get off his butt and get a job and maybe a roommate. And third, who knows whether I'll find a place that I like in December? It is important for me to find a place I like, because I grew up in kind of a crappy home and worked hard to get a great job and afford a comfortable place.

 

Then fourth, I have a VERY busy November at work and a promotion in the spring that I'm aiming for. The promotion will depend heavily on how I do in November and December. So getting the move out of the way in October might make sense.

 

Would you move October 1, or consider it a waste of money and stay here for 2 more months?

Edited September 14, 2014 by nikita77

[Tayken]

Three years ago, my husband lost his dream job after throwing kind of a verbal temper tantrum at his boss. He started smoking pot, refused to do anything except watch tv, and started yelling at me a lot, though he has never hit me. I don't yell back, but I do argue sometimes and I tell him he is unreasonable. We started sleeping in separate beds. I really think something happened to him before he went bezerk at work, but he refuses to discuss all that.

 

Bad temper, no motivation and verbal abuse are all factors that makes for an unhealthy relationship. Good thing you are not in the same room, but for your own sake, stop engaging him.

 

Then for two weeks we decided to sleep together again. I got pregnant. I asked him to get a job and quit smoking weed, but that only annoyed him. However, when our daughter was a few months old, he did quit. The lethargy stuck around, he won't work or do anything besides TV, and he's very rude and uncommunicative still. He also became very, very controlling-- like creepy controlling.

 

Hmmm....Trying to change somebody has never worked for anyone, and I don't know what you were expecting here in light of what you described above? Now you've brought a child into the equation, why oh why?

 

We went to marriage counseling and spent a lot of sessions talking about trust and housework. He refuses to get any individual counseling. He says that if I don't like things the way they are, then that is just too bad. Then he said counseling was a waste of time and quit going. I told him that I wanted a divorce if things didn't improve, and he told me I have no right to do that to him. He had his dad call me and lecture me about staying in a marriage and religious beliefs bla bla bla. I am not of the same religion that his father is.

 

Listen, you do have a right to divorce him. I will stop telling him what am going to do (this coming from a man by the way), and just get the application going like yesterday, and have him served. Again, STOP engaging him and let the court / attorneys handle the rest...then he will get it that you are serious.

 

Then, earlier this year, he "cheated" on me. I put that in quotations because he went on several dates, talked a lot on the phone, and made out with this woman, but he says he did not sleep with her. I have no reason to believe or disbelieve him, really. I don't trust him but I just don't know what happened. It's enough that he did what he did.

 

He also gave her some of my clothes (??) (!!!) and took her out to dinner with my credit card that I let him use sometimes for groceries. Really, those are the things that make it hardest to get over and trust him. I just can't. Plus he won't do any more counseling.

 

OK seriously listen....I know Canadian family having been through the system myself, and know of the relation to US different states family law. You have the rights to cut off phones, cable etc that is NOT a basic necessity from your husband without getting in trouble, then he might be motivated to go get a job as opposed to getting some a$$

 

Our daughter is now 2 years old. My husband and I argue a lot, him yelling and slamming doors, me crying and probably whining. It's very stressful to be in the same house. He still texts the OW. I try to just pay attention to my daughter and pretend he isn't here, but that's impossible. Not to mention, he wakes me up at night sometimes asking me to mop and dust et c. because he wants me to keep perfect house. I don't know if he was faking his whole personality before marriage, or if the pot turned him into some kind of woman-hating controller. I only know, I've decided on divorce. If I can go through with it.

 

You are doing a harm to yourself and your 2 yr old by remaining in a toxic relationship, and allowing her to witness all this. You already messed up by getting pregnant by a nutjob, now fix the situation by not subjecting your daughter to it and please d NOT sleep with him again!

 

If he wakes you up again, call the police and that may ring a bell in his ears. I am NOT asking you to file a false domestic violence here, but instead letting him know that you are no longer living together as man and wife (sleeping in different rooms), and be sure to have an official date in mind for when this started, you will need it for your divorce i.e. 1 yr from separation usually.

 

So my question about moving:

 

We are renting a beautiful house in a great neighborhood. We pay $1400 per month. I am the one who pays the rent and all the bills. Our lease ends in December. Then, it's month-to-month.

 

My lawyer tells me that my husband may try to "squat"-- that is, refuse to move out-- if I file for divorce. I did mention divorce once and my husband said "Well, I don't know where you'll go if we separate." He clearly wants to stay put-- though how he'll pay the rent, I don't know. He thinks that if I file for divorce then it's my "fault" and I'll have to move, not him.

 

Your lawyer is right, which is why again you need to stop talking to your stbx. Who's name is on the lease?

 

My lawyer has advised me to move out. He says, if I can stand to wait, then to tell my husband in November that I will be moving in December when the lease is up. There's no way my husband can force me to pay rent there after the lease is up, nor can he force me to let him move in with me where I go.

 

You giving him 30 days notice will be sufficient, and you are right he can't force you to take him with you to where you are going. The primary concern will be the parenting arrangement i.e. custody and access as you can't just take off with the child, so make sure you have a parenting plan in place to propose. Start with a 50-50 and work from that

 

When I move, my husband will have to get a job and a roommate, or move out. Or if not, he'll get evicted. The reason for letting him know well before I move is not just to be decent, but also so that we have time to go to court and get a custody/visitation order before I actually move out.

 

Not your business, stop stressing yourself out with this nonsense.

 

And third, who knows whether I'll find a place that I like in December? It is important for me to find a place I like, because I grew up in kind of a crappy home and worked hard to get a great job and afford a comfortable place.

 

Then fourth, I have a VERY busy November at work and a promotion in the spring that I'm aiming for. The promotion will depend heavily on how I do in November and December. So getting the move out of the way in October might make sense.

 

Would you move October 1, or consider it a waste of money and stay here for 2 more months?

 

The December time frame sounds realistic considering you will have to give nutjob 30 days notice, and yourself time to find a new place.

 

Hopefully you listen to all I have said here, based on my own experience as a man who went through 8 months in-house separation in order to avoid losing access to our child. I was also the applicant in my case, and personally filled out the forms for court, filed and served my ex before lawyers were even involved.

 

He/she who draws the first blood, has the upper hand. The key is to not give the other party a chance to see it coming, and make them realize that you are serious.

 

Ignore his family and STOP taking calls from them, friends etc. Also try to take your emotions out of all this...it won't do you any good.

[nikita77]

Thank you Tayken, some very good advice. What it boils down to is "get out and focus on the custody/visitation." He wants to stay together and I keep hoping we can fix it. We had a baby because I was still just thinking he'd go back to how he was before, especially if he quit smoking weed. I was wrong.

 

I still kind of want to "move" now, or at least secure the Oct 1 place. I like the place. It's not perfect, but what if I don't even find a place I like in December? Is that worry worth paying extra two months' rent?

 

I also feel like, if I plunk down the deposit now, I will not be able to pack-peddle. I'll really be calling my lawyer, filing the papers, and getting a 50/50 agreement or else getting on the docket to go to court for one. All before December. Worth it?

[evanescentworld]

In comparison to staying with him a moment longer, living in a cardboard box would be worth it.

[Art_Critic]

What does your attorney think ? to me that is the advice you should follow..

 

I'd move right away if you are asking me... give your husband 30 days and file for the custody/visitation papers like originally planned.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd move right away if you are asking me... give your husband 30 days and file for the custody/visitation papers like originally planned.

Agreed. Hard to put a price on peace of mind. And unless it's your idea, no midnight mopping or dusting at your own place.

 

Your husband is a grown man. All aspects of his future, including domicile, income and motivation, are up to him. Fire yourself from the job of worrying about him...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

He can have his parents pay the balance of the lease and then move in with them.

 

Let them see how unproductive and angry he is.

 

 

Make sure the lease gets finalized and your name isn't still on it when December comes. You don't want to be responsible for him moving forward.

 

Get advice from an attorney. Protect yourself and your child.

 

Shut off all avenues for him to get money!

[CC12]

He wants to stay together

 

You sure about this? Because it almost sounds like he's actively trying to push you away and is just waiting for you to move out. Is it possible that he has already obtained legal counsel and has been advised to stay put and have you be the one who leaves, thereby putting him in a better position in the divorce? Honestly, I don't even know if that would help his case at all, but it seems as though it could benefit him to play the part of the loyal, stay-at-home father whose big meanie wife took the baby away and left him all alone.

 

What does your lawyer say might happen as far as any spousal support that you'll potentially have to pay your husband?

 

What if things get ugly and you end up needing to shell out a lot more money for your legal fees? I don't know what your area is like, but where I live, $1400 for rent gets you a very nice, large house. Maybe it would be better to get a smaller apartment until your divorce is finalized. This would also make it easier to handle paying rent on two places for the next couple of months.

 

Second, it gives my husband a couple months (while I keep paying rent here) to get used to the idea that I'm really divorcing him, get off his butt and get a job and maybe a roommate.

 

Just assume that he won't. He already feels as though he doesn't need a job, and I doubt that he will have the wake-up call that you're hoping for. When there's one month remaining on the lease, you should move out and let him fend for himself. Don't stay in the house once you've told him that it's over.

 

Good luck.

[nikita77]

What does your lawyer say might happen as far as any spousal support that you'll potentially have to pay your husband?

 

 

My attorney says that the longer we stay married, the higher the chance that I'll owe spousal support. Yes, part of me wonders whether he is only trying to hang on long enough to get some spousal support.

 

I guess I kind of want to move into a place that is just as nice, but smaller-- and in a good neighborhood. I'd like a pleasant living space while I go through this.

 

But maybe anything will seem pleasant once I'm living alone.

 

My lawyer says that when I move is not the issue-- it's how I do it: Advise my husband that I'm moving in a month or two, then get the divorce papers filed and get on the docket for a custody hearing in case husband and I can't come to an agreement on one. If I wait a bit, that just means I'll save $ by not paying double-rent or breaking a lease.

 

That way, no moving out unless and until custody/visitation agreement.

 

It sounds so easy when I type it out. Ugh. Hard to act unilaterally and drag someone along in a divorce.

[2sunny]

Ask his parents to start paying his way.

 

That way they fully understand he's not carrying his half of the deal.

 

I think he will mooch off you as long as you allow him to. That's why it may serve a purpose to let his parents become aware he's not being a good partner.

[nikita77]

Today I saw a gorgeous, perfect, amazing house for rent: $1600/mo. I make about $5700/month, so the rent is high for me but not un-do-able. I was paying $1400 and then got a raise that was a little over $200/month. The house is on one of my favorite streets. It is near two very excellent schools that have long waiting lists.

 

 

It's available Oct 1. Again, I move out of here Dec 1. I could take it, but egads, that is a lot of money. In my town, there are some gorgeous places like that, and then there are a TON of creepy ugly basement-style houses with mold and low ceilings and no yards, for around $1,000. But you never know what could come along.

 

 

Is it rash to rent the nicer, more expensive place AND pay double rent for 2 months? I'd like to have peace, do my work and writing, and maybe have friends over. I want to feel good about going home. I want my child to enjoy a nice house, although kids don't care all that much as long as it's safe and they can play. And it will be hard to be home alone on days when I don't have our little one.

 

Maybe I'm looking for a way to get through this. I earned my job and my money, and I can get a nice place that I like. We've always lived in places of my husband's choosing, even though I find them and pay for them.

 

I know you guys don't know my whole financial situation, but it's nice to get points of view on the "purchase" anyway. Those of you who have divorced and moved out.

[2sunny]

I vote to do it if his parents will pick up the rent where you are now until the end of the lease.

 

Address that problem with a solution before commuting to the new place.

 

Then you can go into the new place knowing you've solved the money issue where you are now.

 

It also faces "avoiding" tactics which I wonder is a pattern for you...?

[KarlaB]

Just my 2 cents but if you can swing it, move out now. I have been living with my stbx since he asked for the divorce in July and it is pure torture. Not that we are fighting but the in your face hurtful things grind on me. So if you can avoid that in any way I would recommend it. The piece of mind of being free of that might be worth it.

[nikita77]

That is helpful to hear, KarlaB, and i am so sorry!! July is not that long ago, but looking at your threads, it must operate as an eternity for you.

 

I can swing it because my dad says he'll help me. That means that he'll be forking over more money if I choose a more expensive place, but I can easily pay the "difference" with a credit card. I don't want to lock myself into a spendy lease and then be ordered to pay lots of child support and spousal though.

 

But I'll keep looking. When I find a place and also want to get out of there, what I'm hearing is that that is the time to tell my husband. Not too much beforehand. We don't want to be living together while the divorce papers are filed. At least, not for any longer than necessary to get the visitation plan.

 

That means moving early is worth it: Time to file the papers, get out of there, and husband gets some warning so he can get a job but without me living with him in torture land. I know people are saying not to worry about him, but the flipside is, it feels pretty bad living with him while getting divorce arrangements all lined up and not even telling him. Then wham!--"I"m moving out, have been looking for a place and seeing a lawyer for months, too bad you have a month or less to get a job and a roommate or move, goodbye." Ouch. Is that reasonable just to save one or two thousand bucks?

[evanescentworld]

Most definitely.

[KarlaB]

I can't speak to the wham since that isn't my case but I do know you can't worry about him. I know for me it's amicable and I have already filed and I so want to blow up and my stbx and shake him and ask him what the heck he is doing, but then I have to live here for a bit longer and don't want to be fighting the entire time so I bite my tongue. Do what you have to do and if the time feel right before then bring it up, but you are #1 in this and have to do what is best for you.

[CC12]

I can swing it because my dad says he'll help me.

 

Okay, you've got a safety net, just in case. Good. That makes things a lot easier. Even better is that it sounds like you can afford a very nice, new place on your own.

 

Do it, then. Sign the lease on your new place. Move out December 1st.

 

Sucks that you'll pay rent for two places, but divorces cost money. Your freedom is worth it, and it sounds like you've worked hard to get where you're at. Plus, after you've signed the new lease, there's kind of no going back. See, once he realizes you're really leaving, he's going to start making all sorts of convincing promises. You'll be tempted to give him a chance, just for one more month, since you're on a month-to-month lease. Don't fall into that.

 

Sign your new lease, decorate your new place or just daydream about it until you move in. Then on Dec 1st, have a party and tell us how it went.

[KarlaB]

23 more days until I move out and as painful as it will be I am excited to finally have some peace to be able to move on. I think you will find the same thing.