Constant state of confusion

[Confusedyoungwife]

I have been married to my husband for nearing 2 years. He is 26, I am 23. We got married incredibly quick, and have had a rocky marriage from the start with many obstacles and personal demons messing up the works. This year has been the worst of all. We started to become very distant from one another, as he got wrapped up in a new group of friends and a new jobs and I felt left behind. He would never come home. This faze eventually ended, but then he started to become obsessed with how often we were having sex, and requiring me to wear sexy clothing just so he would even want to have sex.

 

It was an incredibly stressful time. And then I found out that during his faze of never coming home at night, he had cheated on me. He held a relationship with a 19 year old coworker for three weeks, before becoming to guilty as he said. He did not tell me about this, I found out months later from an anonymous facebook message. Needless to say, my world felt shattered. I felt completely devastated....but I decided to stay. He seemed so sorry, so sincere.

 

Weeks went by where I would try to deal, but any time I'd drink to much I'd end up fighting with him about it. The situation was become incredibly toxic. I have some mental health issues, and this only exasperated the problem. I was depressed, I was lost. The one man I'd ever met who I thought would not do this to me, did.

 

Lately, his reasons for why he did it is that at the time I was very depressed and a 'debby downer', he couldn't stand being around me when I was so sad. Well.

 

So, the next problem is that two weeks ago, I cheated on him with a coworker and good friend, 28 year old man. I basically disappeared for a day and a half, didn't answer any phone calls or anything. The husband and I naturally had a large blow up over this, almost got divorced, I continued to see this other man a few times, and well....

 

Currently, my husband wants to work things out, but from my perspective it seems impossible. He doesn't trust me, I don't trust him, we've had a dysfunctional relationship from the start....what do I do? I love my husband and think we would make great friends, but I am not in love with him anymore. I have this awful feeling I got married too soon, too young, too quick. But he seems to just want to sweep all our problems under the rug. At this point, our sense of intimacy seems destroyed.

 

Another problem I wish to point out is that there hasn't ever really been any intimacy between us besides sex. No hand holding, not cuddling, he never hugs me. This is a huge problem for me as I am a very affectionate person. To add to the confusion, the guy I cheated with holds my same values in regards to affection/romance/relationships. So that has made me feel even more lost.

 

Many have suggested couples counseling....Any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Confused Young Wife.

Edited September 11, 2014 by Confusedyoungwife

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I had that in my 1st relationship. I eventually gave her full freedom to date while we shared the house. Mainly due to three reasons, believing that we can remain friends, I loved her enough to let her go, and that pushing her out on the streets was to great for her and her child.

 

So where do you stand with your wants???

 

Being on your own away from him can allow you to think clearly.

 

Some times a man may find less interest by finding out the woman he is with is not what he wanted. Small things add up and become less attractive through time. Not saying there is something wrong with you or him, just for what ever reason, you both have turned against each other before your affair.

 

There is no easy way to go about this, but to find strength in yourself, find you needs to be happy. Meaning to dig into what you had that made happiness for you before marriage, and hold on to that as your needs. Some needs are basic and can be forgotten about or put to the side.

 

Maybe you just feel he does not understand you as he did or lost his passion for you. At any rate, once you find loss that is not resolved, your feelings become hurtful and are focused to him. They may have been unnoticed by you, but felt by him through time. Thus it probably was a cyclic cycle between you, from giving and sharing love between each other to slow exchange of differences that became intolerance, unresolved issues and misunderstanding.

 

If he feels he can accept what has happened as the past and help rebuild the relationship, then you must help as well. It will take a lot of work between you both. If you do, you both must promise not to take the issues at hand and make them into battling confrontations. Nothing but eroded trust comes from each battle. So you both must face both sided of the issue and not just the side that effects the each of you. It will be difficult to accept and understand but once understanding comes, rebuilding trust comes along with it.

 

There is no other way do fix it, and it does not happen overnight, but if the both of you put your love and efforts into it, the easier it is for you once one issue is tackled between you.

 

If you don't think the both of you have the passion to work together, then separation will be the next option before taking on divorce.

[texas143]

It seems that you have already figure it out in your had, but your heart hasnt.

Hearts are stubborn. In this case I think you should follow your mind. The heart will follow next.