jakrbbt Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I wasn't going to start a new thread, but this one doesn't depend all that much on knowing my whole story. My husband and I will be divorcing soon. We have a 17-month-old baby boy who is well-adjusted and bonded to both of us. For various reasons including legal consultation, I believe that the court will want to do joint custody with as close to 50-50 parenting time as possible, unless one parent can't do it for some reason. We'll flesh it out with our lawyers, but I am already trying to prepare for that outcome, even if I ask for something different. I am worried about the baby having emotional problems if he is shuttled back and forth too much. I'm thinking about asking for overnights with me (he sleeps with me now, dad has always slept in a separate room), and dad having him during some days and/or evenings-- not even sure whether that will work with his schedule. (My husband is not addressing or talking about the issue so far, which makes things less predictable.) If I don't get that, then I worry about the baby going back and forth. Does anyone have a toddler who is doing ok (or not) with shared parenting time? I know not all toddlers are the same. But it helps to hear from others. And maybe I should post a duplicate in the parenting section. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 So the question is...as a parent, how would you like to be given the same kind of proposal you suggesting your stbh have? As someone that has been through this with our then toddler, and who's ex tried to pull the "mom knows best" crap...I can tell you that you need to put your personal emotions aside and concentrate on best interest of the child.....which is what the family court addresses I also know for a fact that some women like to fight for more access time in order to get a table amount child support as opposed to an offset amount based on your incomes. In a situation where there is no abuse, alcohol, physical and drugs...50-50 will always be best for a child psychologically. Your baby won't be the 1st to go back and forth, and for a kids of a younger age, the best parenting schedule recommended is a 2-2-3 system i.e. mon, tue, you...wed,thurs your ex...with weekends alternated between you two As the kid grows to the age of 5-6 (grade 1), then week on week off is the more common schedule and this carries on to them being a teenager Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 My kids weren't toddlers when we separated (they were 4 and 8) but in the event that this may help you anyway... My exwife has the kids Sun/Mon/Tue and I have them Th/Fr/Sa. And we alternate Wednesdays. I actually only see the ex once a week as I pick the kids up from school when my days start (so I just see her when I drop off on Sunday mornings). This allows both of us to set up a somewhat stable work schedule on the days we don't have the kids, allows for 50/50, gives us both a weekend day, gives the kids a very predictable schedule, and minimizes the back and forth. We're going into our fourth year of this now and I think the kids are as good as kids from a divorce will be. As much as I've read on the subject, everything suggests that younger children recover more quickly from divorce than older kids. Perhaps there's something to be said differently about infants but as your child will be nearly two by the time you put this into action, I'd tend to think you'll be fine with a 50/50 arrangement. Just giving you something to consider. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 Better to have kids getting "shuffled" between two houses than living in a toxic environment full-time. That I'm sure of. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted September 7, 2014 Share Posted September 7, 2014 I wasn't going to start a new thread, but this one doesn't depend all that much on knowing my whole story. My husband and I will be divorcing soon. We have a 17-month-old baby boy who is well-adjusted and bonded to both of us. For various reasons including legal consultation, I believe that the court will want to do joint custody with as close to 50-50 parenting time as possible, unless one parent can't do it for some reason. We'll flesh it out with our lawyers, but I am already trying to prepare for that outcome, even if I ask for something different. I am worried about the baby having emotional problems if he is shuttled back and forth too much. I'm thinking about asking for overnights with me (he sleeps with me now, dad has always slept in a separate room), and dad having him during some days and/or evenings-- not even sure whether that will work with his schedule. (My husband is not addressing or talking about the issue so far, which makes things less predictable.) If I don't get that, then I worry about the baby going back and forth. Does anyone have a toddler who is doing ok (or not) with shared parenting time? I know not all toddlers are the same. But it helps to hear from others. And maybe I should post a duplicate in the parenting section. Good question and good post. Not sure if you'd consider mine a toddler as she just turned 4 when we divorced. I have had 50/50 for the last two years and there are some moments here and there where the D affected her, for the most part it she has adjusted well and things worked out good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jakrbbt Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 I should clarify, I don't want child support. I make more than my husband and I always will, and according to our state's calculation, I am the one who will pay support unless husband makes a lot more or unless we reduce his time too much. I very much want husband to have a bond with baby, and 50/50 would be great IF he could handle it (he has to get a job and bank account and apartment stop sleeping in so much, but he can). The overnights with me are what are already happening, but if H won't agree to them, I am not sure that the court would enforce something like that or that it would even be best. That's what I'm trying to figure out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jakrbbt Posted September 7, 2014 Author Share Posted September 7, 2014 Better to have kids getting "shuffled" between two houses than living in a toxic environment full-time. That I'm sure of. Must remember this. Good reminder. Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 My son was 2 and my daughter was 5 when I divorced. We split them 50/50 and it has worked out really well. Super amicable divorce with the priority being the kids 100%. We only talk good about eachother in front of the kids. As long as you and your ex can agree to do whatever is necessary to make sure it is easy as possible for the kids, you will be okay. It will actually make the divorce process much more smooth also! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted September 8, 2014 Share Posted September 8, 2014 My son was 2 and my daughter was 5 when I divorced. We split them 50/50 and it has worked out really well. Super amicable divorce with the priority being the kids 100%. We only talk good about eachother in front of the kids. As long as you and your ex can agree to do whatever is necessary to make sure it is easy as possible for the kids, you will be okay. It will actually make the divorce process much more smooth also! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This was the key in mine as well, I did all the same things. After her A, then the D I established a decent relationship as soon as I could (within 6 months). Link to post Share on other sites
Author jakrbbt Posted September 11, 2014 Author Share Posted September 11, 2014 Thank you all, really, this helps. No one wants to have to divorce, but if it's our only option then I'm very comforted to know that no one has to fight over custody/visitation in order to secure child well-being where both parents are good parents. Now I just hope that we don't fight over it for other reasons, such as money or resentment. I just can't hear enough testimonials regarding shared custody, especially positive ones (but obviously negatives are informative too). Anyone else who has one, please do tell. Link to post Share on other sites
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