I'm considering leaving my wife.

[bagpiper]

I am thinking of leaving my wife for reasons I will mention below. She is very loving and kind most of the time but has been rather promiscuous. Please let me know if I am wrong in thinking this. I am constantly anxious because of her past and things I have witnessed firsthand. I’m afraid she will have an affair and have told her. She claims that would never happen. She wants to party with friends at bars but I have asked her not to. I wasn’t concerned with her occasional, “girl’s night out,” until the incident marked as 8 below. After seeing her drunk on several occasions I wouldn’t put it past her to have a one night stand and then feel very guilty the next day. I wouldn’t put it past her to have a one night stand and not even remember it the next day.

 

She claims she went through some of the items below because her mother had died and both husbands treated her poorly. The first abandoned her and her child. The second was very verbally abusive.

 

Let me just add, I was married for 20 years with three kids. The first wife abandoned my three kids and me. I’ve never been one to take marriage lightly but after what I have witnessed I’m not so sure I have made a huge mistake.

 

Before we met

 

1. At 18 her boyfriend had an affair. She proceeded to have an affair with his best friend to get back at him.

 

2. At 22 her first husband left her. She told me he had an affair with someone. I suspect she had an affair with her second husband, as this time, to get back at the first. I'm not certain of this but there is some evidence to prove it.

 

3. After deciding she would get divorced from the second husband she started to party with co-workers. I suspect she was having an affair with one co-worker but cannot confirm. I do have some evidence to prove this, as well.

 

4. At 32 and two months after filing for divorce from her second husband (she was still living at his house and sleeping on the couch) she met at least one man on the internet and had a 4 month sexual relationship with him. She told me it was fine because her relationship with the second husband was over. After moving out from her ex-husband’s house and while dating her internet flame she had Cybersex with someone. I found the IM, she had printed out and stored in her filing cabinet. She kept asking to meet him during the conversation. I suspect she was drunk at the time because she claims she never did actually meet the guy. I’m not sure why she would print it out and keep it for 5 years. I had been in that filing cabinet before and never seen it.

 

5. I know of at least one "one night stand." She was drunk and went back to his place. She wasn't dating anyone at this time. She said she woke up naked in his bed.

 

6. I’ve heard of other parties were she met someone and know she went home with them. I don’t know if anything happened.

 

7. She was engaged with someone for 1 and ½ years. After they broke up he would continue to call her on the phone to talk. She started dating someone else and would tell her ex-fiancé about the sex. It turned out the ex-fiancé knew this new boyfriend and proceeded to tell him about this. She claims she did it because she hoped he would get upset and leave her alone but this incident ended that relationship.

 

After we met.

 

8. While we were dating I found out she had a sexual relationship with her boss before we met. She told me she didn’t want to tell me because she wanted to remain friends with her boss. She also claims she only had sex with him once and she was drunk at the time.

 

9. After we were married and at a party she proceeded to get very drunk. She started hugging her gay co-worker and telling him how she had the biggest crush on him when she first started working at her present employer. She did this in front of me. When I told her about it the next day she said she was sorry but doesn’t remember doing it. I told her several days later that I had seriously considered leaving her over this ordeal to which she got upset and told me I had been rude to everyone at the party. I was surprised because I felt I had been very cordial.

 

10. At another party she proceeded to get drunk in front of her daughters and my daughter. She was so drunk I had to help her to the bathroom. Had I not she would have fallen. This was only the fifth time I have seen her THIS drunk. She has not gotten drunk like this since because I have told her she shouldn’t drink like this anymore. She did say apologized to her daughters but I did not witness this apology.

 

She has told me on one occasion that she is afraid I will find out about other indiscretions and leave. At this point I’m not so sure I wouldn’t.

Edited September 2, 2014 by bagpiper

[oldshirt]

I am thinking of leaving my wife for reasons I will mention below. She is very loving and kind most of the time but has been rather promiscuous. Please let me know if I am wrong in thinking this. I am constantly anxious because of her past and things I have witnessed firsthand. I’m afraid she will have an affair and have told her. She claims that would never happen. She wants to party with friends at bars but I have asked her not to. I wasn’t concerned with her occasional, “girl’s night out,” until the incident marked as 8 below. After seeing her drunk on several occasions I wouldn’t put it past her to have a one night stand and then feel very guilty the next day. I wouldn’t put it past her to have a one night stand and not even remember it the next day.

 

She claims she went through some of the items below because her mother had died and both husbands treated her poorly. The first abandoned her and her child. The second was very verbally abusive.

 

Let me just add, I was married for 20 years with three kids. The first wife abandoned my three kids and me. I’ve never been one to take marriage lightly but after what I have witnessed I’m not so sure I have made a huge mistake.

 

Before we met

 

1. At 18 her boyfriend had an affair. She proceeded to have an affair with his best friend to get back at him.

 

2. At 22 her first husband left her. She told me he had an affair with someone. I suspect she had an affair with her second husband, as this time, to get back at the first. I'm not certain of this but there is some evidence to prove it.

 

3. After deciding she would get divorced from the second husband she started to party with co-workers. I suspect she was having an affair with one co-worker but cannot confirm. I do have some evidence to prove this, as well.

 

4. At 32 and two months after filing for divorce from her second husband (she was still living at his house and sleeping on the couch) she met at least one man on the internet and had a 4 month sexual relationship with him. She told me it was fine because her relationship with the second husband was over. After moving out from her ex-husband’s house and while dating her internet flame she had Cybersex with someone. I found the IM, she had printed out and stored in her filing cabinet. She kept asking to meet him during the conversation. I suspect she was drunk at the time because she claims she never did actually meet the guy. I’m not sure why she would print it out and keep it for 5 years. I had been in that filing cabinet before and never seen it.

 

5. I know of at least one "one night stand." She was drunk and went back to his place. She wasn't dating anyone at this time. She said she woke up naked in his bed.

 

6. I’ve heard of other parties were she met someone and know she went home with them. I don’t know if anything happened.

 

7. She was engaged with someone for 1 and ½ years. After they broke up he would continue to call her on the phone to talk. She started dating someone else and would tell her ex-fiancé about the sex. It turned out the ex-fiancé knew this new boyfriend and proceeded to tell him about this. She claims she did it because she hoped he would get upset and leave her alone but this incident ended that relationship.

 

After we met.

 

8. While we were dating I found out she had a sexual relationship with her boss before we met. She told me she didn’t want to tell me because she wanted to remain friends with her boss. She also claims she only had sex with him once and she was drunk at the time.

 

9. After we were married and at a party she proceeded to get very drunk. She started hugging her gay co-worker and telling him how she had the biggest crush on him when she first started working at her present employer. She did this in front of me. When I told her about it the next day she said she was sorry but doesn’t remember doing it. I told her several days later that I had seriously considered leaving her over this ordeal to which she got upset and told me I had been rude to everyone at the party. I was surprised because I felt I had been very cordial.

 

10. At another party she proceeded to get drunk in front of her daughters and my daughter. She was so drunk I had to help her to the bathroom. Had I not she would have fallen. This was only the fifth time I have seen her THIS drunk. She has not gotten drunk like this since because I have told her she shouldn’t drink like this anymore. She did say apologized to her daughters but I did not witness this apology.

 

She has told me on one occasion that she is afraid I will find out about other indiscretions and leave. At this point I’m not so sure I wouldn’t.

 

Other than "because-I-love-her", why are you with her at all?

 

Why did you keep calling her after finding out what kind of a person she is when you first started dating?

[bagpiper]

I didn't know about most of this stuff until after we were married. I guess I was rather naive. It was only after conversations with her that I started putting two and two together. At first, when I brought it up she would start crying and saying how she was afraid I would leave her. Now she is just defensive because I don't want her to go drinking with her friends.

[Clay]

It sure sucks. I bought the same stuff from my xW. I thought it was just a one time deal. I would get out while you can if I was you. You now know the truth. It sucks but its life. I would do it while I had control and not when she has your heart in a pinch.

 

Sorry.

 

Clay

[CarrieT]

It sounds like you shouldn't have married her in the first place; she hid her past from you for a reason and now all those reasons are rearing their ugly heads.

 

She will cry to manipulate you to stay, but in the long run you need to be true to who you are, what you want, and - more importantly - what you DO NOT WANT (which sounds like her).

[LifeNomad]

im not an expert here I come for advice, but being an ex alcoholic daily drinker, It sounds like most of the problems is when shes drunk. It sounds like you need to talk to her about cutting down on the drinking, it might suck the fun out of parties/situations for her, but maybe have her buy drinks and keep them at home before going out so she can drink maybe 1 or 2 at the party/event and come home with you and get as drunk with what she had at home.

 

 

Her not being drunk wouldve prevented most of the things you posted.

[PegNosePete]

So she had a bad past that she hid from you. That's not ideal and she was wrong to hide it, but she hasn't done any wrong against you. You're judging her on her past and what you fear she might do in the future. She's committed no crimes against you yet you're treating her like she already has.

 

Her drunkenness however, is more of a problem. I would tell her that her behaviour when drunk is not acceptable and that you did not sign up to be married to an alcoholic. She must control her drinking, and if she is unable then she must give it up. If she refuses then, well, you have a big problem my friend.

 

She apologises for her behaviour but what good is that if it doesn't lead to any changes? If someone is truly sorry then they will learn from their mistake and ensure that it doesn't happen again. If it does... well it's just lip service.

Edited September 4, 2014 by PegNosePete

[Tayken]

OP....how you ever got involved with this woman is beyond me knowing her history and background. Did you see yourself as some latter day Captain save a ho, and what is it about this woman that makes her so special...let me guess it was the looks?

 

Do yourself a huge favour...DUMP HER NOW, and start the divorce process, do not wait for her to start. Things aren't going to change, and you will be foolish if you take this lying down.

 

The only way for you to move on with your life, taking from the lessons learned, and starting your life afresh, will be to cut all ties to this person