A big year of Separation.

[Maso]

Hi folks. I'm writing because I have benefited before from attempting to articulate my story in a forum post... This might be a bit long, but if you can, try to read the whole thing before replying.

 

I am currently separated from my wife of 3 years. We have been separated for 18 months, and we were together a total of 6 years. When we separated I was suffering from long term mental health issues including anxiety and depression. At the time of separation, I had been my wife's full time carer, as she had epilepsy (since cured, more on this later). In short I was not coping with the stress of 24/7 alertness to potential injuries from seizures, which could strike at at any time, and often did, up to 15 times a day, small seizures and big ones that lasted up to 5 minutes (getting into potential brain damage zone). She had epilepsy when we got together, and it progressively got worse as time went on. We ended up moving in with her parents so that we could have more support. This was less than ideal for me, and I never really felt like anyone understood how hard it was. Her mother was a great support, but maybe it was too little too late. I hated being dependent on them, and not feeling like I had my own life.

 

My anxiety and depression issues are of course inseparable from the stresses of caring, but I also had my share of issues before our relationship, most of which I had not dealt with before we became closely involved. In fact, she was a saviour for me in the first part of the relationship.

 

During the marriage, we had some serious co-dependency issues related to both of our needs. One of the results of this was that I, through weakness and unmet needs, was unfaithful once, sleeping with another woman once. This was after an argument, In which I had said that I was attracted to this woman, and then my spouse slapped me, and said 'well why don't you go and **** her then'?. After the argument I got drunk and went and slept with this woman. I immediately told my spouse (I have never once lied to her). She was hurt but accepted it. I told her I would not do it again (as much for myself as for her).

 

As time went on, I was unsure of the relationship and my ability to be the man she needed. Ultimately I didn't trust her love, which I believe might be related to my issues with my distant and emotionally guarded mother. We as a couple had significant difficulties related to both of our conditions, and to make matters worse, we perhaps had unrealistic lifestyle expectations, and made some unwise decisions. In many ways, I was desperately searching for happiness, and got married before I was really ready. She asked me if to marry her, and I believe I agreed because I could not bear to hurt her. basically for the whole relationship I was one foot in-one foot out, but not really sure why, thinking it was normal, and so I did my best, thinking it was the best thing to do, but neither feeling truly capable or convinced of my self.

 

Significant to this issue is my unmet needs for intimacy. The emotional drama created dysfunction and trust issues from an early stage, and I think this contributed to problems with sexuality with both of us.

 

As time went on, I felt increasingly trapped. I felt as if I had tried very hard to communicate that I wasn't coping, but the emotional trauma resulted in me always back-peddling and saying it was ok and that it would all be ok. It clearly wasn't, however. I felt incredibly alone, and not understood. I had become suicidal, and had caught myself lining up a tree on the highway, just thinking how easy it would be to just end it. I went to a psychologist for one appointment, but on some level had already decided that things had to change.

 

On my 27th birthday, I initiated intimacy for the first time in a few months, and she wasn't keen, and I was pushy (not violent, just not nice), I took it very badly, and had a huge emotional reaction, but basically I just went cold, I gave up hope at this point. After this, I left my in laws and went to my mothers. A few days later, I had decided that I didn't want to be married, be financially obliged to pay our mortgage, and that I didn't want to live with my spouse. I told my spouse this, and she fairly said that wasn't what she wanted, and that was that. I still don't know if I actually intended to leave her, but as I got a breather, I began to feel relief, but I think I was numb to the pain of the separation. I think that because of the relief, I didn't try to make amends, and just did my best to move on. In hindsight, I was mentally unstable.

 

About a month after my spouse separated she had brain surgery and is now cured of epilepsy. She said she would not have had the surgery (too scary, fair enough, too) if we had still been together, because it was less necessary with my support.

 

Also about a month after we separated, I became involved with another woman, with whom I had an amazing physical connection with, and who was caring and attentive and supported me through the emotional turmoil. I really did my best to maintain proper boundaries, but failed as I fell in love with her day by day. This relationship has since failed (she moved on to be with my best mate, after I went over-seas for 4 months), which I'm not surprised about, but it devastated me. When I came back and discovered that she had become involved with my mate, I became suicidal again.

 

When I was in a really bad way one night, no-one answered their phone, not even the suicide hotline, and I ended up calling my spouse (we never divorced, as I had gone overseas by the time we were legally allowed to do so). She lived close by, and I was alone in the house and in serious crisis. I asked if it would be ok if I came around, and she said yes. She was there for me when I needed her, just like she was in the first part of our relationship.

 

Since then, we've talked heaps and had better communication than we ever have. We are both still attracted to each other, and have agreed that neither of us is ready for a relationship, but I cannot deny that I still love her, and she says she still loves me. Also the reality is that we are somewhat already relying on each other again, if only as 'friends'. Its so complicated, I'm not sure its possible to be only friends.

 

However, I feel so conflicted because the connection I had with the woman in my rebound relationship really highlighted what was missing in my marriage. I don't want to lose my wife (even to think that I've still got her is probably mad), but still cannot be sure that my feelings are clear, and that I don't just love her because she was there for me when I was in crisis (twice). I don't want to do that to her, or me. I hate the thought that she just thinks I'm a ****-up and to experience her strong side I have to be a mess.

 

I'm worried that she will move on before I get my **** together, and I will have lost the relationship once and for all. I suspect that she really does love me, and is probably not about to enter into another relationship. She is still recovering from everything, and still lives with her folks. I'm not convinced that we're even good for each other, but I love her and we have so much history. I'm desperately afraid of being trapped again, as it was so torturous the first time. The context is completely different, but we are still the same people in many ways. She might not even be interested in trying to make it work, but the other day she came on to me pretty strongly and I had to be tough and sensible, which is ever so boring, and also tragic, because she so rarely came on to me when were together.

 

I'm basically still not sure enough or strong enough to go to her and say 'I really want to make this work for all of these reasons', because I simply don't trust myself yet. I'm not so desperately lonely to try to make it work because of loneliness, and I'm pretty sure thats a bad plan anyway... I'm not really sure its best for either of us to try to be friends at this stage because its so damn confusing and clearly there is more at stake.

 

I'm going to counselling and have suggested couples counselling to my spouse, if only for reconciliation purposes.

 

If you read this whole thing, thanks.

[Maso]

If anyone is interested, here is the first post I made very shortly after we separated...I made this post on a disability carer's support site.

 

Hello CWE, (this is jumbled..)

 

I've come here to tell my story as it stands currently. I have recently separated from my wife of 3 years (together for 7), who has temporal lobe epilepsy and partially medicated petit-mal and grand-mal seizures. She has anywhere from 5 - 40 seizures a day (violent petit mal) and possibly a grand mal every few weeks, but can have periods of up to two months without any seizures at all.

 

She is dignified, proud, and courageous. Beautiful, wise and kind.

 

Our marriage has multiple problems, all of which are virtually impossible to separate from each other. The current understanding is such that neither of us want to make it work (or at least thats what we are saying). Personally, my mind changes regularly, and I'm not fit to make a conclusive decision. To me, the marriage is not the issue, I still want to be in relationship with her, but not in the way that it has been. I feel that I married too young and for the wrong reasons, and I need time to get my **** together.

 

Previous to separating, we were living at her parents house, as her care requirements were more than I could handle. I suffer from my own list of problems of reality, relating to mental health, and living with her folks was the only way to survive. This did not work for me.

 

During the course of our relationship, her epilepsy has got steadily worse. She is dependant practically, for cooking, showering, getting to and from places etc. The combination of emotional/relationship co-dependance, and the practical dependance, has taken its toll, and I have had a breakdown, and have had to leave the situation. I had become suicidal. My mental health issues are obviously my own, but they are inseparable from the environmental factors of the pressure of caring, and a dysfunctional relationship. Right or wrong, failure or not, I am coming to terms with the fact that I simply wasn't coping, and now the dust has settled, and I'm taking stock of the situation. Her mother has taken over the caring role.

 

Significant to the situation, is the grand plans and dreams we had for our life together. The aspiration far outweighed our capacity. We wanted to live out of town, have kids and grow a big garden. Her parents, having a pool of money, generously offered to help us, and we accepted. They bought 2 acres of land with a cottage, and it became ours. We started work, whilst balancing a job in the city and support for her epilepsy.

I put all I had into making the dream a reality, and I see now that I wasn't happy, but the plan was everything to her. Slowly I realised that I didn't want to keep working towards that dream, indeed, I could not. The idea of having children in the bush and dealing with epilepsy and my mental health issues, now seems absurd and nieve. She is as far as I can tell, still attached to that dream. The way I need to live, and the way she wants to, cannot be reconciled. I tried for years to do it her way, and have failed.

 

All through the caring process, I was very careful not to complain about her epilepsy or the difficulties and compromises of caring. Indeed I worked very hard to accept it as part of her story, and to find spiritual meaning in it. I was unwilling to accept there was anything wrong with her. I took it upon myself to be the voice of holistic interpretation of her condition, in the face of the tendency to pathologize epilepsy. Being very close to her, and being witness to her epilepsy 24/7, I came to conclusions about the emotional and psychological elements of her experience. I resented the biomedical dogma of her parents, and observed distressing side-effects of medication. Above all, I saw a direct correlation between her owning and understanding her experiences based on what they meant to HER, and an improvement in her happiness and often, the condition itself. When she explored her own experiences through scientific contemplation, she was empowered. When she accepted the label of 'disability' she was disempowered. This is plainly obvious to me, though apparently obscure to medical professionals.

 

I didn't realize the level to which I had compromised my lifestyle and my own health, and failed to communicate effectively to her and her family about my needs, limits and boundaries. I see that it is this same failure to communicate about boundaries that led me to over extend myself in the issues of marriage and property. It isn't fair for her, that I said I could do these things, but now have decided I cannot. I dont know if either her or her family really understand what has happened, and I dont know if they want to hear what I have to say. I suspect im not popular in their house.

 

A huge dilemma for me, and a massive source of guilt, is that I have 'abandoned her' to deal with her condition alone. This is torturous. However, I have decided that trusting her to be ok, despite her significant difficulties, is an act of respect. I still am unable to treat her as a sick person. I might be the only person who will not treat her as a sick person. I would prefer to be shown this same respect and trust, and so this is what I will do.

 

Shortly after we separated, she was approved for brain-surgery, and will be admitted to hospital in 3 weeks. Before we separated, she had decided that she didn't want to have surgery, indeed it wasn't clear it was possible. I cannot help but see a correlation between us separating and her deciding to have surgery. If it works, and the doctors are confident it will, with limited side-effects, then she would possibly be cured. Who knows if she would have made such a brave move, had we not separated. I ask myself, did we need to separate (and with no agreed intention to get back together), before she would take this step? What if something goes wrong? If it goes right, we are still broken up, and I will not be part of her recovery. I will probably not be part of her life as she rebuilds independence.

 

I dont know whats going to happen, but I can only hope I have done my best.

It is not enough, and I can only hope to continue being honest about what I'm capable of. I dare not hope for us to get back together, but sometimes I want that. I cant tell her that sometimes I want to be with her, because I dont know if I can be with her. I want to tell her its all going to be ok and that I can do it, that I can do whatever she wants, but evidence tells me I would likely be wrong. It hasn't been ok, and I cant do it, at least not right now.

 

And yet I love her

Edited September 2, 2014 by Maso

[carhill]

Been down this road....meh, caregiving stuff can get so complicated, whether it's one's spouse or another.

 

Bottom line - Keep up the counseling and work on you and clearly communicate that the door's open to a healthy reconciliation and that your wife needs to make that choice on her own.

 

Glad to read that her epilepsy is under control. That's a bugger disease. One of my female friends had it (complex partial) and it was quite an eye opener to manage her seizures and keep her safe whilst keeping her son calm.

 

Good luck to you. Remember, anything is possible. You choose what is healthy for you.