Violence

[tippydog90]

So my STBX came over yesterday to visit our daughter, long story about why he came here but there are really not other options at this point as he moved three hours away, yet still works out of our town (he travels). I let him stay with her while I went to work. Anyway, I was trying to have a calm discussion with him last night about behavioral changes I have seen in our daughter since we have separated (she is not even 3), as well as talk to him about how he has distanced himself from her and is not putting her first in his life. I told him she is so young and I am very concerned for her because she does adore her daddy. He said he was "going to do what he wanted to do and to hell with what anyone thinks". I told him that his recent decisions had really had a profound effect on her (moving so far away and not much contact), and he again said he was going to do what he wanted to do. Then he became enraged and threw a tantrum and said he was leaving before he "hit me" and also called me the "c" word. I cannot even have a simple conversation with him about his little girl, or anything for that matter. The man desperately needs psychological help he has SO much rage inside and I have taken the brunt of that for years now - blaming me for everything when he refuses to accept responsibility for his own actions.

 

Anyway, I have decided I am having no more conversations about our daughter with him, if he has a question he can ask and I will provide a simple, short answer. But I have no idea where to go from here with the threat of hitting me, like I said - he is so full of anger it scares me at times. He absolutely has a personality disorder of some kind and I can't put my finger on what it is for sure but he shows signs of sociopathic behavior, passive aggressiveness, and narcissism all rolled into one. I just don't know what to do, thinking of even seeing him again makes me feel physically ill. I am not concerned about our little girl as he has never been anything but gentle, loving, and attentive to her - although am I wrong to think that might change someday? Until he finds an outlet for the rage inside him, I just don't know what to expect, how to protect my daughter and myself, etc. I did message my attorney and let her know. For the record, he has NEVER hit me. Shoved me once and threatened to hit me once before, but has never done so. Also, his rage toward me is not because of anything I have done, I have never cheated, have always been loving and supportive, etc. He is just seriously messed up and that is all I can say....

[bathtub-row]

There's no point in talking to people like this. They simply cannot and will not think about anything beyond themselves. I'd recommend reading this book - Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men) by Lundy Bancroft. It will completely clear up in your mind what kind of person you're dealing with, what motivates him, and how entrenched his thinking is. What I like about the book is that the author has real life experience with thousands of these personalities. And his conclusions about them are astounding.

 

Honestly, your ex would be doing you a favor if he disappeared from you and your daughter's life. But he probably won't do that and he'll instead show up when it suits him. Not sure what to say to you except to stop having these kinds of conversations with him. You're just wasting your time and energy.

[tippydog90]

Thank you so much for telling me about this book. I am ordering it today. You are right, he is absolutely entrenched in his thinking and nothing I say matters. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with his treatment of his daughter, or me. It is all about "him". He is so full of rage at the world, and has directed that rage at me for five years now. While I am sick at the thought of dealing with him another 15 years or so, all I can hope at this point is that he disappears, though I don't think his "ego" will allow him to do that. Another thing he has told me a few times in the recent past is he has "no respect for women". I cringe at the thought of him even having a daughter, much less playing any part in her upbringing.

[jakrbbt]

You are putting him first. He is putting him first. You are very focused on this guy. But your daughter will look to you when she needs to see how all-important his crap is. When she sees you living your life and not giving this clown much thought, she will feel a lot safer about any emotional roller-coaster he may put her on. But if she looks to you and sees you making him, and his awfulness, basically the biggest thing in your life, then every negative thing he does will be a big deal to her and she will have no protection from it. Mommy is afraid of the monsters under the bed too. Mommy runs from them and cries at night too hoping she can make them go away. They must be horrible.

 

Let me reassure you: This guy is NOT a good thing that happened to you. END IT. Now, regarding whether he still sees his girl, that can be more complicated. You're going to have to decide whether it's ok to bar him from coming around, if he only comes around randomly. If you decide that you'd rather let him see her, but he comes and goes as he pleases, then you have a little problem to solve with her: How to deal with the excitement and disappointment when daddy does or doesn't show up. If it were me, I'd try to get very set and regular visitation time.

 

People who live with violent, mentally ill, or substance-abusing spouses often become codependent. That term doesn't mean "clingy." Instead, it basically means over-focusing on the other person. Making their feelings and actions the center of your own. Thinking that you'll be fine "if only he will stop ---- (fill in the blank). If only he will put daughter first. If only he will prove he's not violent. If only he'll stand around in your house being peaceful and loving right in front of you.

 

Shoving you and threatening to hit you is not ok. It is a red flag. Don't let yourself minimize that. I think that you know that, or you would not have titled your post the way you did. There are many, many men out there who would NEVER shove you and threaten to hit you.

 

Your job is to be free from him AND his nonsense. It is not going to be easy. It will take courage and more intellectual integrity than most people have. And if you're codependent on him, then that's the insidious part. You're going to want him to do it for you. But think about this: Could you parent a little girl whose father abandoned her? Of course you could. This is adoption all over again, except she's already yours. You are her mother. Whatever happens with her messed-up dad, you are there.

[jakrbbt]

I read "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" years ago. It's a good book, but please remember OP, that basically you don't care why he does it because you have ALREADY LEFT HIM. Let him go. Read the book if you want, but you also might read "Codependent No More." It is not as much fun, because it doesn't let you daydream about how awesome it would be if the guy changed in just the right ways now that you have him all figured out. Instead, it counsels you to gain control over yourself and make your life your own. That is what you need to do. You're too focused on him. Make him leave you alone. Make the visits set times and places. Have someone there for the switch if at all possible. Even set up a security camera and only do the switches outside the house, in front of the camera. He won't argue with you having a camera set up for burglars, and what's he going to do, ask you not to be leaving the house while he's coming over for visits with daughter? Not something he can control: He gets daughter visitation, not ex-wife visitation. So you'll easily be able to have the switch-offs in front of a video recorder if you can afford one.

 

I know I'm making it sound easier than it is, but if you only do part of the whole "wash him out of your hair" plan, that's a lot better than nothing. Remember, "some days better than others" is where you live for now. Good luck!!

[tippydog90]

Jakrbt,

Thank you for the other book suggestion, I will check that one out as well. While I am focused on him with regard to our daughter and how he treats her (I want him to put her first), I am not focused on him with regard to myself anymore. I have absolutely zero desire to continue any kind of relationship with him, though I would like this divorce to be as amicable as possible for many reasons, particularly as it relates to our daughter. I have had enough stress in the last year (move, new job, death of my mom, and now this), frankly I don't need anymore stress. I was hoping I could reach him in my discussions with him about how all of this has affected, and will affect, our daughter - but I am giving up on that. I am cutting communication with him to the minimum necessary because reaching him is just impossible. And yes, I am in the process of washing him right out of my hair, a few suds left, but not much more than that...

[jakrbbt]

Wanting the divorce to be amicable makes a lot of sense, and I think it is very possible. However, I also think that if it turns less than amicable, you can totally handle it and will be ok. I also think that if your ex fails to put your daughter first, or in your eyes fails to do so, then you and your daughter can weather that too. I just think that it sounds like you have plenty of skills and intelligence, and for many people, the tough divorce period is temporary. You will clearly move on from all this one day. I also believe that, IF your ex is passive-aggressive or controlling, then trying to get anything from him might backfire. In that case you'll want to put a cap on how much effort you put into getting his blessing or cooperation when it comes to daughter. But it is very understandable and sensible to make some effort, for some time, to keep things amicable. Just know when to call it if need be. I do not think that it is easy negotiating with a person who is both unscrupulous and needy, like he sounds.

 

I share your frustration with watching another parent fail to put the child first. I resent it when that happens, or when I think it's happening, with my H and child. But remember, plenty of selfish parents still have kids who turn out fine. I have more than one well-adjusted friend with a selfish parent. The key is that your daughter has love, has basic care, and has exposure to more than one caring influence so that she can learn to decipher some things for herself one day. Children are so adaptable. Do you have any friends who had one jerk parent but are still thriving and are not even bitter? If so, keep them in mind. I'm just trying to ease your worries a bit here, not minimize them. Just put what we lawyers call a "good faith effort" into giving your daughter the best you can, but if things (like his behavior) get beyond your control, know that your daughter will still be a lot better off with one well-equipped and stable parent than so many kids who don't even have that.

[bathtub-row]

I think one of the key points about the "why does he do that?" book is that it can completely shatter any illusions about having anything wonderful with these people. After reading it, anyone would quickly see that they'd have better results beating their heads against a brick wall. It's not a book about hope. It's a book about waking up to what you couldn't see before. Most people don't think like these guys so it's hard to fathom what motivates them. Once you understand it, it's like a veil has been lifted.

 

In this case, I recommended the book so that you'll understand what you're up against when dealing with this person. Since you have a child with him, you're going to need to know how he operates and what makes him tick. That understanding can help you tremendously. While I was in a relationship with someone like this, I continued to think there was some magic formula to making things right. I didn't even read the whole book before I determined that his behavior had nothing to do with me, and that I was completely wasting my life being with him. Also, I guarantee that someday your daughter will have issues with her irrational, selfish father. You're going to need to know how to talk to her about him.

[tippydog90]

bathtub-row you sure hit home with the statement "beating my head against a brick wall".... That is how I have felt for years now when trying to talk to my STBX about even the simplest matters. It has been like he wants to disagree with me on anything, just to disagree. And nothing I say ever makes a difference. I guess that gets back to the control issue. Everytime I want to buy something for our daughter he says "she doesn't need that" just to argue (and believe me I am not a big spender....). We most recently argued about the cost of a bookcase for her, I wanted to buy one that would last many years and was reasonably priced, he wanted me to go to a big box store and buy one that would fall apart in 3 years. And it isn't like we can't afford a bit nicer piece of furniture for her, it is just because "I" suggested it and "I" picked it out (not that he would have spent the time to do so. Just an example of the ridiculous arguments we have over the simplest things. Anything I suggest, want, do, etc. is immediately dismissed.

 

I will definitely read both of these books as I do need perspective and guidance in how to deal with him for the next 15 years. I can tell you that since he left, I feel so much better emotionally, though at first it was difficult because of my concern about my little one and her not being around her daddy. She is doing fine though and I also feel that his being gone has allowed me to be a better mother, because I am able to just focus on her and her alone now, rather than deal with his drama and negativity. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, although in some respects, it is much, much harder alone with such a young child, the peace of mind I have now is worth it.