sitting still Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I have been married for 20 years and seperated from my wife currently for the 4th time. We have 2 boys 10 and 15. I have had drug and alochol problems. Im clean now for 15 months. 2 months ago my wife found out about a fling i had with a stripper for 1 night. My AA sponsor told me to not tell her about in the ammends process of the 12 steps of AA. After she found out i had been at the club my sponsor said to deny anything happened. I did these things. I should have told her about the fling before she allowed me to come home after getting sober this last time. I never imagined the string of events that took place for her to find out about that could happen but it did. I denyed it to the very end. She waived divorce papers in my face so figuring i had nothing left to loose i told her the truth. She doesnt believe me. I have ruined her trust in me. She has limited our contact to child issues and business issues. We have rental property. I am currently living mith my mom. She says she does not want a divorce. She also does not want to work on our marriage. She is just doing the minimum at home to keep the house and has gotten very close to her cousin,a man, and her cousins room mate,another man. She spends every spare moment with them. I have been asked to leave her alone unless otherwise contacted kids business. I am tring but seem to fail daily. After 20 years my whole world is with her and our boys. I have to be thankful that she does not want a divirce and not push matters to that point. She says she still has good caring feelings for me but is very angry. Im afraid i am going to loose her if i dont keep fighting for our marriage. Im also afraid that if i push too hard she will distance herself farther. My new sponsor says to work on myself, give her her space,help when asked to. Im in counceling and she says she is going to start. Individuial counceling. I am torn apart at times. She is too. She has told me she is on an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes i can get her to talk to me about whats going on. Sometimes when she is mad i dont get a returned text. So there you go. 2more things. She kind of likes her cousins room mate. He is a "nice guy" he just broke up with his girlfriend of 18 months. She spent most of the night saturday night and most of the day sunday with her cousin,her family and him. I have it comming i guess. I had the boys during that time at my moms. The other thing is she is 49 and going through medapause. Thats not helping matters any.Short shorts. skinny blond and beautiful country girl tom boy and i love her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 I have had drug and alochol problems. Im clean now for 15 months. 2 months ago my wife found out about a fling i had with a stripper for 1 night. Not what you want to hear but I can only imagine what 20 years of drugs, alcohol and infidelity have been like for her. Sometimes we do damage that can't be undone. Your sponsors advice is spot on, continue to work on yourself. That part is within your control, the rest is not. Good luck and keep posting... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
slizl Posted August 11, 2014 Share Posted August 11, 2014 Not sure I would get advice from my AA sponsor on my relationship. They are experts in addiction, not relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sitting still Posted August 12, 2014 Author Share Posted August 12, 2014 part of making ammends deals with relationships. the big book of aa is not real black and white about this.my sponsor gave me bad suggedtions. and something conspired aginst me. God or Satin. Only time will tell which one it was Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 12, 2014 Share Posted August 12, 2014 part of making ammends deals with relationships. the big book of aa is not real black and white about this. Had a friend who, while in AA, made a very detailed record of his transgressions (many were sexual) while listing those harmed. Unfortunately, his wife found the list in his briefcase . Right idea, wrong outcome. Again, the only work you can do is on you. Were your wife ever again to take an interest in you, I'd assume she'd want the best version of the man you can be. Stay clean, stay with the program and keep posting... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author sitting still Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 This past week we have been single and remained married. She has moved on with a man that we know. She claims to had sex with him. I know for a fact that she is trying to hurt me. I said she was going through medapause. What i meant to say is she is going through mid life crisis. I did the same thing 3 years ago. Nothing matters except what you want. Kids dont matter spouces dont matter. Home doesnt matter. nothing. totally selfish time in my life and i can see the exact same thing in her today. Yesterday she said she has nothing left to give. Wants a clean break. Divorce is her answer. I have convinced her to wait until the dust settles from this sexual relationship so she can see and feel what is real. Not what she is feeling now. After 22 years with the same man i can see where any woman could use a break from life. She has been like a rock through out our live together. I have chipped away at her for a long time. Iv hurt her many times with lies and deceit. One time with infedility. She has evened the score. We are going to remain married for now on paper and see what the future holds for the bolth of us. I told her i loved her enough to let her go. And i do. I dont want to make her miserable any more. I am getting stronger and dont cry as much any more. It hurt when she told me about having sex with jon. It hurt more when she kicked me out of the house. Wouldnt talk to me for weeks except about the kids or our money. Iv cried a river of tears over this. I want our family back together even if it takes a year or two. I also realised this is not all my fault and she is partially responsible for things being as messed up as they are. That has been a great help in feeling better about myself. im living one day at a time for now. taking care of myself and my children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sitting still Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 I went out to the house today to split firewood. as i sat running the splitter i realized the reason i had not went and shot up the place where her lover lives. I had not thought about getting drunk. or finding a willing woman and get a revenge f..k. My AA program was working over time. God revealed to me that i was 10 times the man father and husband that any of the people she is running with will ever be. She is hurting herself by doing this. She is hurting our kids by doing this. I told her it was no different than when i was going to the strip club playing with those strippers. I also told her that doing what you want with who you want is ok but after a while you will realize what is really important and you feel differently. Thats what happened to me. So we will see what happens next. We are still married and we dont intend to file any legal papers at all. Im getting strong enough to ride this out to the end. I will survive no matter what. Now it is a matter of if my family will. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 With all due respect given to what you want, you have to live with what you get. Why not move on with your life? Your wife's message seems pretty clear. You're still a relatively young man, much life left to live. I don't see how it benefits anyone - you, your kids or your stbx wife - to have you sacrifice your remaining years in pursuit of the unattainable ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author sitting still Posted August 17, 2014 Author Share Posted August 17, 2014 I talked at legnth with my AA sponsor about things today and have made the decision that i never wanted to make. I will take the hit. I will file. She does not want to take the blame. Although she does deserve some of it. I cant take being jerked around and made a fool of any longer. I am a much better man father and husband than any of the people she is running with. I am through. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Tough call to make, I'm sure it was painful. You are indeed "through", through to the next phase of you life. Keep working the program, much exciting stuff ahead. There are relationships out there where heartbreak isn't the main theme... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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