What can stbx do through bad-mouthing? I'm apprehensive.

[jakrbbt]

I am very distracted by the fear that my H/stbx is badmouthing me and sharing details of our lives with certain vindictive and nosy friends/family members. The fear itself is quite distracting and I find myself thinking, "What can they all really do?"

 

I've written here before. Short story, we are in an unhealthy relationship and I want out. H does not want a divorce or at least that is what he says. I work, H does not. We have a toddler, and are both very bonded to him. We have broached the topic of divorce FINALLY, and are in marriage counseling. Fourth counselor, very good one, but too late in my opinion. I agreed to try a little longer, but h knows that I'm considering divorce.

 

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out when to start the process. Logistics involving my work and son's possible new daycare. Trying to prepare, not really knowing how. Not wanting the timing to be too horrible for h, if possible. Knowing I can't wait too long. Also, keeping my word to attend counseling and apply it. And finally, some wimping out and just not wanting to go through with it yet, I guess.

 

 

Now about the bad-mouthing. H has a very close, frankly weirdly close relationship with one family member who does not like me. Another mutual close friend of theirs has also become upset with me, when she learned that I might want a divorce. How did she learn this? --H spied on my diary. (Where I wrote that my therapist thought that my H was emotionally abusive; that I wanted a divorce; and that once when he left for two days in order to punish me, I was actually happy just being home alone with my baby son.) She- this friend-- became very offended on his behalf that I would want to divorce him. I accidentally saw a text where she called me "joyless" and talked about my husband "gathering the troops" and seeing a lawyer. I didn't read any more of the text, it popped up while I was helping my H with his ipad. It struck me as quite bossy, do I really have to get permission from this guy's friend before I divorce him? Am I married to her, too? Does she expect all her friends' partners to check with her before ending the relationship? Sorry, tiny rant.

 

I don't even know what his close family member might be saying. He sees that person daily and texts her constantly, but the thought of spying on them seems repugnant to me, not to mention painful.

 

Ever since seeing that "gathering the troops" comment, I've been very distracted by the notion that h is bad-mouthing me to others. I'm a lawyer myself and have seen an excellent divorce lawyer a couple times. I don't have real reasons to fear legal consequences to divorce. Not that it will all be perfect, but I'm ok with the possibilities. That's not the basis of my worry. (I work at home half the time, very short marriage, certain state laws . . . those who are interested can read my dismal story, but the legal issues aren't meant to be the point of this thread really.)

 

I am a bit stung by this one time that my h, who was always more or less honest before, totally twisting facts about a family event to some of his family members so that they would be unduly offended and would call me and lecture me, completely crossing some personal boundaries. He did it because he could not accept that I had "seemed" lukewarm about his special family member coming to a party that I was throwing, after he invited her without checking with me. (I was not lukewarm to her face of course.) He thinks that he can dictate my relationship with his family and that it is not enough for me to simply be kind and respectful. He's told me exactly how to behave with them (and it's weird)-- if I do not, then he punishes me. So that's what the above behavior was about. One of the reasons I want a divorce.

 

 

He is always on his ipad and texting, he meets with ppl without telling me who or where, and he is almost comically uncommunicative. It's like he acts like he is planning some coup.

 

The kicker is that I have GOT to focus on my job and increase my production at work. I have received praise in every area except production. If I cannot concentrate, I cannot increase my rate of production. But I sit and worry about these vindictive people talking behind my back.

 

Do any of you remember having these worries at the beginning of a divorce? How did you deal with it??

Edited July 21, 2014 by jakrbbt

[TheBladeRunner]

I feel the only thing bad mouthing the STBX/XH/XW...etc. does is make THEM look bad. My first XW did this and in the end when I was confronted with "she said" I would respond "well....if that's what you want to believe....".

 

It all came out in the wash in the end. Let em' mash you, in my opinion all that will do is spread the egg on his face.

[No Limit]

Don't worry about them. It's just words after all.

 

Consider it another topic for the "pro-divorce" list. If he doesn't like it, he can talk to you. If he really wants to remain married, he can talk to you.

Instead he's taken the teenager route.