Separated, devastated, shocked and ...

[Pickmeup]

Hi

 

On May 18th, after 20 years together, my husband told me (out of the blue) he was not happy and unsure of our marriage. As soon as he had told me, it was like he just needed to be away from me and he said he needed space. Not wanting to be in our house alone, I said I would move out, it's been 5 weeks and the pain is so intense - I hate my life right now. We have no children.

 

He says at the moment, after 4 week's, he is happiest in his own little world. He doesn't see anyone at weekend's, he takes himself off to escape the world and just wanders around in the hope he can "fix" everything again. He certainly hasn't said he wants a divorce but said he cannot see me live in limbo waiting for him to decide. Although he hates the thought of me with someone else or seeing me move on with my life.

 

I am trying hard to keep myself busy seeing friends, been away camping with the girls, it's tough but I keep getting out there and trying to move on and be strong. I worry about him sitting home alone dwelling, worried he is depressed and in a very sad lonely place - I want to help him.

 

He wants to turn the clock back and wishes he hadn't said those things, I try not to cry when I am with him because I know he feels guilty but sometimes it gets too much and I do breakdown. We still have to see each other as we work together (self-employed).

 

Do you think there is a chance we could save this marriage, if I give him time and space? He obviously still cares, he called me yesterday to check I was okay but he was crying, he said it was because he wanted to ring me but didn't want to give me the wrong impression. Why was he so upset, if the split is what he wants, why isn't he going out and moving on with his life? It just leaves me confused.

 

We did neglect our marriage and with hindsight I can see what went wrong but I believe it is fixable if we both want to work at it. I know I have hurt him (not intentionally) but not wanting to go into the personal details of our marriage I can now see what pain I caused him and I made him feel unloved.

 

We did have counselling but decided to stop it because until he knows he does want to have a go at saving our marriage I didn't see the point - now I'm panicking we don't talk about this stuff and communication was one of the issues.

 

I have mentioned before that he should perhaps see the doctor but some days he seems strong and I believe it's over, then others he seems so sad, weak and vulnerable I worry for him, I don't want him to be feeling alone and in bad dark place. I want my life back, I want our relationship back the happy one where we made each laugh.

 

I really don't know how to handle this? I so want to fight to save my marriage but want my husband to be happy.

[I am Bud]

Dear Pickmeup

 

You husband definitely has problems expressing himself and might be suffering from depression and anxieties as a result of that. It would have been a good idea to continue going to these counselling sessions not just to save your marriage but to provide an avenue for him to express himself and to uncover any issues that are lying beneath the surface. You guys definitely have a communications issue that is not able to be resolved by just the two of you.

 

Marriage Counselling should not be solely thought of as a means of fixing marriages, they can in fact highlight what each individual person needs from the other and then allow each party to determine whether they have the capacity to make the other person happy. Being that you guys own your own business and are literally in each others faces 24/7 it would put a strain on any type of relationship. It would have been very easy to take the other person for granted and to treat them with less and less respect over the years. Familiarity can breed contempt if there are no boundaries to the way that you interact with that person. Just because they are your spouse and/or loved ones does not mean that you should treat them with any less respect or dignity than you would a complete stranger who was standing at the door.

 

You guys will need to re-learn how to communicate with one another in the way that you did previously, when you both had a tremendous amount of respect and dignity towards each other. What you have at present is an eroded version of that communication. One that has build up a lot of disillusionment and resentment over the years. The road forward will be to return to the counselling sessions and to figure out who you are as individuals. Then you can determine whether you still want to forge ahead together or as separate people.

 

All the best - Bud

[Pickmeup]

Thank you for your advice.

 

We just found the counselling so painful, both cried loads after it and then had to go to work together in the evenings and face clients with forced smiles on our faces. It was so draining and tough for us both.

 

I think we will manage to talk about us in time. It's just at the moment we cannot manage it without getting upset together and I don't want to make every time I see him sad and emotionally draining. Equally though I don't want to make every time I see him feel like nothing has happened or needs talking about.

 

It's just so hard knowing how to handle the situation :-(

 

We still have loads to sort, the business how we continue, the houses where we live and the finances but neither of us want to face these issues yet.

[I am Bud]

Dear Pickmeup

 

Have you thought about going to separate counselling sessions to try to make some sense of what you are currently feeling or not feeling? It seems that the both of you need a break, not only from each other but from your work in particular so that you have time to figure things out.

 

You should organise some time off work if possible or reduce the hours of work so that the both of you have time to address these issues properly. Make some time so that after you see the counsellors that you do not have to see clients on the same day or the next few days. These counselling sessions sound very intense but equally must they be effective since they are bringing issues to light. As much as they hurt these issues have to be confronted and dealt with in order for you to move forward.

 

It seems that you guys have to make it a priority in order to correct these issues now otherwise it will all come to naught anyway (your business) if you do happen to separate. It doesn't sound like that either of you are that keen on taking this path.

 

Regards - Bud.

[HopelessRomanticGuy]

Dear Pickmeup

 

I feel for you and want to say I commend you for caring so much and wanting to make things work. So many people throw away something wonderful because it seems easier at the time than trying to work on the issues.

 

One thing that stuck out to me as I read your story was that you work together. I know you have a business together but I have to say, I don't think it's healthy for most partners to work together. That's spending way too much time together!! How can you get excited about seeing each other when you see each other all day everyday?

 

Just my two cents. I'll be praying for you!

Edited July 14, 2014 by HopelessRomanticGuy

[Pickmeup]

Thank you, your comments certainly help. Sometimes, with so many emotions flying around, I get confused and lose my way. I do want to give my husband time to see what he wants, I just have to keep my panic and fear under control and give it time.

 

I am, in the meantime, working on my own issues and finding out how to have fun again without worrying so much about the business. How my husband deals with it is for him to work out I have to let him be.

 

Keep everything crossed for us, we cannot let our last 20 years just slip slip away, it's too sad. It's going to be a long and painful year but I hope the outcome brings us closer together for a happier future.

[irresolute]

Out of the blue... there's never out of the blue. You might be in denial but I'm pretty sure this decision was not taken "out of the blue".

[grays]

Your situation sounds so much like mine. We had the added problem of another woman, though (no physical affair, but emotional). We were fighting about the OW situation when I said "do you even want to be with me?" and he said "I don't know." And I was completely shocked by it. We had been together for almost 25 years (25th anniversary of our first kiss is in a few days ) and the last year together had been a great year for us with a lot of things improving. When I said "I am the happiest I've been with you," he said "me, too, it made me wonder if I could be even happier." WTF!!!

 

But here we are six months after the first "not sure if I want to be with you" comment, and he's still not sure. We have two children and are still in the same house, separated bedrooms for the last two months. I am going out dancing three or four nights a week, going out doing other social stuff with my kids a couple of more nights, generally GETTING OUT THERE all that I can. He's home sitting on the couch crying. I admire how thoughtful and caring you seem to be about your guy's breakdown. I have generally not been that way. I'm pissed! But just lately he has been really down and it is starting to wear me down. I think it's a little easier for me to empathize with him now that I feel really DONE, though.

 

I'm now at a stage where I am looking forward to both of us getting on with things and hoping that we can have some kind of familial-type relationship. He's always been my best friend and I hope that will remain the case (or at least that we will remain open and friendly with each other). But I feel like we can't get there until we're both at least dabbling in other romantic relationships. And truthfully, I am really looking forward to having a relationship with someone who isn't so f*cked up.

 

It has never been easy with him because of his depression and OCD and just generally difficult ways. When he was loving me, it all seemed worth it, of course, but this is just too much hurt. I feel a little bit like I have been tending to his wounds for 25 years and this is the thanks I get. At times, especially recently, he has said things that make me worry that he's thinking he might want to be with me (like your guy, he has gone out of his way to not give me hope up to this point) and it makes me feel freaked out because I don't want to want him. It is hard to help it because I have loved him so much for so many years, but this is seriously just too much. I cannot be with someone who is ok with making me feel this way. I would love to hear that he wants and needs me, but I don't want to hear that until I know that I am completely past any temptation to want to be with him again.

 

He seriously believes that he can go on like this for months and years and that if some point in the future he decides that I was right for him after all he'll just swoop back in and I'll be here with open arms. But I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. I am a different person than I was six months ago and I don't think I can ever be comfortable with him again.

[grays]

Out of the blue... there's never out of the blue. You might be in denial but I'm pretty sure this decision was not taken "out of the blue".

 

I don't know what the point of this nit picking is. To her it was out of the blue. A person can know that there are problems (and no relationship is perfect, ever) without feeling like they are in jeopardy of losing it.

 

In my case I am pretty sure that what drove husband away was that things were getting so great for us. We were having sex all the time, being nicer and more considerate of each other, letting go of old grudges, enjoying each others' company a lot more, opening up to each other in new ways. He was freaked by the intimacy and ran off chasing a woman who refuses to tell him even the most mundane details about herself or her life. He doesn't even know how old she is even though we have been to like five of her birthday parties, known her for several years without ever getting a hint of whether she's ever had a SO, etc. In the many many (tragically many!) hours they have spent together they have never gotten beyond small talk. She has never asked and he has never talked about his kids with her, or any other of the more personal aspects of his life. He hasn't contacted her since he left me for her two months ago.

 

In my case, the warning signs were great sex, great communication, lots of fun together. But that felt like "out of the blue" to me. I don't think that you can (or should) make the judgement that it wasn't out of the blue for OP. I'm sure it didn't feel out of the blue for her husband, but this is her story not his.

[I am Bud]

Dear Pickmeup

 

I have a random idea that might get him thinking about you in a different light. You said that you guys live in separate houses but still meet each

other to work on your home business. I'm thinking that you guys dress in a smart casual type of way when you are doing your work. How about if

one weekend you dressed up really smartly like you are going to an interview and went to work that way?

 

I bet that your husband will pick up on it and think to himself? Hmm my wife looks kind of different today. She is really dressed up and looks great. I'm hoping that this might revitalize his interest in you and get him thinking, I can't leave that girl, she was the woman that I fell in love with. I know that this idea sounds a bit random but it would be interesting to see his response.

 

Also if you are worried about his mental state, do you know if he has a really good friend? You could always ask them to check in on him from time to time just to make sure that he is doing okay and not feeling down.

 

Regards - Bud.

[FredJones80]

We had the added problem of another woman, though

 

I was thinking this for the OP.

 

Generally when someone is "confused" in this situation, there is a good possibility of someone else on the scene.

[Pickmeup]

Out of the blue... there's never out of the blue. You might be in denial but I'm pretty sure this decision was not taken "out of the blue".

No I am sure his decision wasn't taken out of the blue, in fact I now know (and can see with hindsight) that he has been struggling with it for some time - he just forgot to speak to me about it. So the shock for me was certainly "out of the blue" !

[Pickmeup]

Dear Pickmeup

 

I have a random idea that might get him thinking about you in a different light. You said that you guys live in separate houses but still meet each

other to work on your home business. I'm thinking that you guys dress in a smart casual type of way when you are doing your work. How about if

one weekend you dressed up really smartly like you are going to an interview and went to work that way?

 

I bet that your husband will pick up on it and think to himself? Hmm my wife looks kind of different today. She is really dressed up and looks great. I'm hoping that this might revitalize his interest in you and get him thinking, I can't leave that girl, she was the woman that I fell in love with. I know that this idea sounds a bit random but it would be interesting to see his response.

 

Also if you are worried about his mental state, do you know if he has a really good friend? You could always ask them to check in on him from time to time just to make sure that he is doing okay and not feeling down.

 

Regards - Bud.

Thank you, I like the idea of dressing smart and will give it a go.

 

He hasn't got any mates that live close by that he would call up for a drink or anything. He is just sitting at home alone (our home) most of the time. That's why I am worried, I did call his mum in the early days to say I was concerned he could be depressed and she and I have both suggested he see's the doctor. Sometimes though he seems okay and I think I've judged it wrong...until the next time I see him upset. Also his actions lead me to believe he is suffering, not doing his normal interests, he is putting on weight (comfort eating) and he looks really tired. Not making much effort to see or speak to friends at all. He prefers to be alone.

 

Saw him at work today though and he has suggested we got out for a cycle ride together on Sunday (we did lots of cycling) but I know it's just as friends. I feel that whilst we see each other as friends I can try and improve my issues and at least have a small chance of him seeing the person he fell in love with again.

[Pickmeup]

Your situation sounds so much like mine. We had the added problem of another woman, though (no physical affair, but emotional). We were fighting about the OW situation when I said "do you even want to be with me?" and he said "I don't know." And I was completely shocked by it. We had been together for almost 25 years (25th anniversary of our first kiss is in a few days ) and the last year together had been a great year for us with a lot of things improving. When I said "I am the happiest I've been with you," he said "me, too, it made me wonder if I could be even happier." WTF!!!

 

But here we are six months after the first "not sure if I want to be with you" comment, and he's still not sure. We have two children and are still in the same house, separated bedrooms for the last two months. I am going out dancing three or four nights a week, going out doing other social stuff with my kids a couple of more nights, generally GETTING OUT THERE all that I can. He's home sitting on the couch crying. I admire how thoughtful and caring you seem to be about your guy's breakdown. I have generally not been that way. I'm pissed! But just lately he has been really down and it is starting to wear me down. I think it's a little easier for me to empathize with him now that I feel really DONE, though.

 

I'm now at a stage where I am looking forward to both of us getting on with things and hoping that we can have some kind of familial-type relationship. He's always been my best friend and I hope that will remain the case (or at least that we will remain open and friendly with each other). But I feel like we can't get there until we're both at least dabbling in other romantic relationships. And truthfully, I am really looking forward to having a relationship with someone who isn't so f*cked up.

 

It has never been easy with him because of his depression and OCD and just generally difficult ways. When he was loving me, it all seemed worth it, of course, but this is just too much hurt. I feel a little bit like I have been tending to his wounds for 25 years and this is the thanks I get. At times, especially recently, he has said things that make me worry that he's thinking he might want to be with me (like your guy, he has gone out of his way to not give me hope up to this point) and it makes me feel freaked out because I don't want to want him. It is hard to help it because I have loved him so much for so many years, but this is seriously just too much. I cannot be with someone who is ok with making me feel this way. I would love to hear that he wants and needs me, but I don't want to hear that until I know that I am completely past any temptation to want to be with him again.

 

He seriously believes that he can go on like this for months and years and that if some point in the future he decides that I was right for him after all he'll just swoop back in and I'll be here with open arms. But I can't even begin to wrap my head around that. I am a different person than I was six months ago and I don't think I can ever be comfortable with him again.

Sounds like you have tried and tried, there is only so much you can take, it's down to your partner to try and help himself. Living and dealing with people with depression isn't easy.

 

I wish you happiness for your future, focus on yourself for a change you deserve to be happy.

[I am Bud]

Dear Pickmeup

 

For him to invite you to have a ride on Sunday sounds very promising. It seems like you are the only person close enough to be able to have a positive impact on his life. I wouldn't worry about the intent of the invite, whether it's for friendship or whatever. Just be there in the moment and reconnect at the basic level.

 

Cycling is a great idea because you will be exercising together. As your legs are pumping away at the pedals it will release endorphins into your bloodstream which in turn will make you feel mentally better. Mind you it might be tough for him since he has put on some weight but if you can make it a re-occurring event it will be a step in the right direction.

 

Good luck on the ride - Bud.

[ashleyjohn]

One suggestion, try to get things out from your husband. I'm sure he's depressed and is hiding something. Try resolving the matter and things will get better, automatically.