Manipulative ex - what would you do?

[Amcmillin]

Me and my wife of four years are currently going through a divorce. We have always shared a email account up until the day before yesterday. What started the divorce was that I was tired of her being emotional unavailable and manipulative. She pleaded with me that we should still be friends and she considered me family as did I. The problem is that the day before yesterday I went into the email in which we shared to find a friends contact info and I came across a huge amount of correspondence between her and an ex that was quiet agitating. So of course out of anger I opened it up. I saw that she and him pretty much centered the conversations about his lack of sex life out where he was at, how he was lonely and needed physical attention, and small bits about video games and comic books. From there the conversation eventually ended up with him saying he wanted snuggles from her and she would reply saying that she would love that. Eventually she brought up how I am being a pain to be with since we are in a rocky relationship right now and how she went to a hot tub party and a guy she used to be interested in dropped her off at home to her twin bed and how he went home with another woman and how she felt used by him. To which the ex replied that he would love to give her company and she suggested he comes out here. He replied in may he would.

 

I became hurt since the reasons for our divorce centered around my lack of trust regarding things like this. I talked with her about this and made her change the password.

 

My problem is above all that we had talked about working through all this and being family to each other. As part of that we made a promise that should either of us need a truthful answer that we would say twenty questions and the other person would divulge all information. I did this and asked her if she was planning on having sex and trying to get a relationship back with him and she continues to lie saying that he is just a friend and she can't change how he feels about her, etc.. Which really hurts. Me and her are in the same social circles in a small town, as well as business circles.

[RonaldS]

What would I do?

 

Tell her to eff herself.

[oldshirt]

Me and my wife of four years are currently going through a divorce.

 

 

then does any of this really matter??? If anything it should reaffirm that you are making the right decision in divorcing.

 

 

 

We have always shared a email account up until the day before yesterday. What started the divorce was that I was tired of her being emotional unavailable and manipulative. She pleaded with me that we should still be friends and she considered me family as bd I.

 

when women say they want to be 'friends' after a break up, that doesn't mean they want to go golfing with you and hit the ice cream shop with you on the way home. What they mean is they don't want you hating on them or bad mouthing them to everyone. Some also want you to keep fixing their cars, unplugging their toilets, loaning them money and listening to all their problems and letting them cry on your shoulder when other men arent treating them the way they want.

 

Your job is to set boundaries somewhere between not hating them and letting them walk on You as their personal errand boy.

 

 

 

 

 

The problem is that the day before yesterday I went into the email in which we shared to find a friends contact info and I came across a huge amount of correspondence between her and an ex that was quiet agitating. So of course out of anger I opened it up. I saw that she and him pretty much centered the conversations about his lack of sex life out where he was at, how he was lonely and needed physical attention, and small bits about video games and comic books. From there the conversation eventually ended up with him saying he wanted snuggles from her and she would reply saying that she would love that. Eventually she brought up how I am being a pain to be with since we are in a rocky relationship right now and how she went to a hot tub party and a guy she used to be interested in dropped her off at home to her twin bed and how he went home with another woman and how she felt used by him. To which the ex replied that he would love to give her company and she suggested he comes out here. He replied in may he would.

 

 

so while she was unavailable and uninterested you, she was cultivating an affair with him. You probably thought she was simply an unemotional person and not interested in romance and sexuality. But it turns out she is, just not with you.

 

Again, this reaffirms your decision to divorce. .....but I'm sure it still hurts to find that out though.

 

I became hurt since the reasons for our divorce centered around my lack of trust regarding things like this.

 

it hurts, but also shows you were right all along.

 

 

I talked with her about this and made her change the password.

 

that's kinda shutting the barn door after the horse got out but oh well whatever.

 

My problem is above all that we had talked about working through all this and being family to each other. As part of that we made a promise that should either of us need a truthful answer that we would say twenty questions and the other person would divulge all information. I did this and asked her if she was planning on having sex and trying to get a relationship back with him and she continues to lie saying that he is just a friend and she can't change how he feels about her, etc.. Which really hurts.

 

 

ok I understand but let's get something out of the way. You can't ask a woman if they plan on having sex with someone and expect to get a straight answer. Women are deeply programmed to deny they are sexual or have any sexual feelings or especially any sexual intentions.

 

I have been married for 18 years in a reasonable happy marriage and my wife would deny under torture by the Spanish Inquistion themselves that she would ever have plans of having sex with me.

 

You simply can't ask a woman if plans to hook up with someone. She'll just deny it no matter how deep her hand is in the cookie jar when you catch her. You just have to go with the evidence on hand and trust your gut on what it all means.

 

When you have an invitation to an ex written by her own hand, you have to take that as her intentions regardless of how much she backpedals and denies it after the fact.

 

 

Me and her are in the same social circles in a small town, as well as business circles.

 

 

no-one has ever implied that divorce is painless or without a change of lifestyle.

 

My response above

[TheBladeRunner]

She doesn't even respect you enough to hide it by getting a SEPARATE e-mail......oh wait....the jack wagon I divorced did the same thing! Seriously, I was in the same boat: didn't respect me enough to even try to hide it.

[mammasita]

So, she's doing all this on an email account that she KNOWS you have access to.

 

W......T.......F

 

I'm sorry to say, she has no intention of working things out with you, and if for some sick and twisted reason she thinks that she does - YOU shouldn't want to.

 

Divorce her and never look back.

[headspins]

Its absolutely ludicrous how anyone can seriously have the audacity to share an e-mail acct with their significant other&have another person of interest sending msgs. That would seriously infuriate me, and I would never in a million yrs be with friends with her. Funny cuz my stbx is a master manipulator. Of course, she'll deny it&then accuse me of being the manipulator. She can get out of any situation if she's backed up in a corner.

 

 

 

I've come to realize that the manipulator needs, or wants to continue to have some kind of relationship with you. Usually. This is narcissistic behavior as well&both go hand in hand. Its no wonder she thought she could get away with it because in her mind she owns you. Has control over you. Don't let her control you anymore&you'll see vast improvement within yourself eventually. It will take time as I know there was love from your end, but not the same from hers.

[Amcmillin]

So over the course of the weeks after this we tried to be friends but it was a bad idea. Long story short I me and her became friendly, had sex a few times, and then she began being weird. Apparently a new woman friend who I had invited them to live together was going through a nasty divorce. The woman displayed no boundaries and was consistently telling my ex to do stuff. I knew something was strange because of how my ex was acting as well as this new friend of hers. Things took a horrible down turning spiral after when at a party someone had roofied the punch bowl and I woke up in the hospital with no idea of why. My ex was still my next of kin. Apparently that night I went to her job -which was karaoke- and when she wouldn't pay me any attention I walked away and said she was dead to me and for her to get all her **** out of my place. None of what I remembered.

 

Next week we went through a very huge dynamic change. She began pulling tons of games that hurt me while at public functions and I called her out on them. Eventually I said not to get together but remedy our issues we would need to get into counseling. But first thing is first she would need to admit to some things including lying about her roomate who is a confidant, eventually I manipulated it out of her. She was devastated because I pushed her into that position and She agreed that we needed to goto counseling.

 

eventually we see the therapist then when the therapist said it was her job to either bring us back together or remove us entirely she wanted to hang on as friends. Which I knew meant, I want you out of my life but I don't want you to abandon me. The therapist said in most cases friendship isn't a possibility. Which I agreed with.

 

My ex was talking with me afterwards and said why couldn't I try friendship. To which I replied coldly that I am not interested in heart break or getting nothing from an investment that you benefit entirely from. I said you had your chance. You could have worked on your issues and tried for a healthy relationship. Plus I don't do platonic relationships with ex's it's just too hard and if I am expected to be your best friend then I might as well get ass from it. I know it was rude and hurtful but at that point I was tired of her games. After taking a step back I realized I had been asked to give up more than my own share of my happiness and fought to keep it for myself.

 

Over the course of the next few counseling sessions she began to play the manipulator. Acting like I would hurt her, and burst out crying. Among all this she kept saying half truths, to which I would call Her out on. All the while remaining truthful and admitting if I did something on purpose. The therapist said we were both manipulating things, to which I admitted on my part, but she never did.

 

Eventually I gave up on sessions with the couples counselor and continued my own recovery through the therapist office. I only run into her at work situations now and am happy. Life is great and I am recovering nicely.