Movingforward2 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Wife and I divorced 4 months ago. When she first filed back in July, it was absolute hell for a couple of months. I look back and it helped me tremendously as a person, father, etc. Like many others, I have tried to save the relationship with her. We go out to eat regularly, with our kids, etc. and everything is "normal" except I do not live there, and the "pink elephant" in the room. We have continued a sexual relationship throughout all of this mess. Easter and holidays have been tough because of so many other families enjoying each other's company. I'm at the point of "quitting trying" to make it happen. I almost think it will do myself quite a bit of good. I have gone and hung out with other women, however I can't see myself dating anyone at this point. Anyone else been in this situation? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Yes. Quit and move on...today. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Why do folks say that? If your family is really what you want, then that's my question. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Why do folks say that? If your family is really what you want, then that's my question. Sounds like you should be telling this to your xW. Why haven't you? If what you want is her and your family back - go get it. What's stopping you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Because everytime I push the issue, we get nowhere. If I just let it play out, it does better..........but I have no clue what her feelings or thoughts are, because I never get a straight answer on it. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 (edited) Wife and I divorced 4 months ago. When she first filed back in July, it was absolute hell for a couple of months. I look back and it helped me tremendously as a person, father, etc. Like many others, I have tried to save the relationship with her. We go out to eat regularly, with our kids, etc. and everything is "normal" except I do not live there, and the "pink elephant" in the room. We have continued a sexual relationship throughout all of this mess. Easter and holidays have been tough because of so many other families enjoying each other's company. I'm at the point of "quitting trying" to make it happen. I almost think it will do myself quite a bit of good. I have gone and hung out with other women, however I can't see myself dating anyone at this point. Anyone else been in this situation? Yeah, me (in bold). I get the way you feel, but trust me: you need to install some boundaries pronto. The longer you hang on the harder it is to move on IMO, and at least for me. I am 20 months gone from the house and I tried the whole dinner/normal family thing and it wasn't good for me or my daughter. As far as the sexual relationship, I never did that. After I found out about the A she repulsed me. What you are doing will more than likely NOT serve you well in regards to your healing. Not ready to date? That's OK. I dated for awhile but have stayed away for the last 8 months as I just don't feel like dealing with it. I miss my "family", but the reality for me is that after what happened I could and would never go back. I do get how you feel, I felt t he same way at one point, but I got past it somehow. Edited April 21, 2014 by TheBladeRunner missed something Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Because everytime I push the issue, we get nowhere. If I just let it play out, it does better..........but I have no clue what her feelings or thoughts are, because I never get a straight answer on it. There can be no relationship without communication. There can be no relationship if one person is fighting for it, and the other isn't. These aspects are magnified exponentially if you're divorced. Consider whether or not you're fighting for the idea of family/marriage, as opposed to fighting for this person who doesn't seem committed (hint: you're divorced). 6 Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 21, 2014 Share Posted April 21, 2014 Why do folks say that? If your family is really what you want, then that's my question. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt, have the collector's mug, have the ticket stub. Meh. The outcome is iced. Zero sum game. Your now XW is using you as a crutch, you're using her as a crutch, and all you're doing is holding each other back from having good lives where every single second isn't under the microscope being analyzed and scrutinized, every minor infraction in your marriage pulled out and beaten to a pulp...and then resuscitated and beaten to a pulp again. A million apologies issued All for........? There's a good life out there, man. Potentially a great one. But you have to peel the band-aid off and let that wound air-heal. Right now, you're peeling the Band-aid off, picking the scab away, and then putting the dirty Band-aid back on. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted April 21, 2014 Author Share Posted April 21, 2014 Been there, done that, have the t-shirt, have the collector's mug, have the ticket stub. Meh. The outcome is iced. Zero sum game. Your now XW is using you as a crutch, you're using her as a crutch, and all you're doing is holding each other back from having good lives where every single second isn't under the microscope being analyzed and scrutinized, every minor infraction in your marriage pulled out and beaten to a pulp...and then resuscitated and beaten to a pulp again. A million apologies issued All for........? There's a good life out there, man. Potentially a great one. But you have to peel the band-aid off and let that wound air-heal. Right now, you're peeling the Band-aid off, picking the scab away, and then putting the dirty Band-aid back on. I just miss my kids and family. My XW and I can get along great, yeah we had some issues, but nothing that can't be fixed. If we could just start over, things would be great. With my oldest daughter going to college, I just can't fathom us not being together in some capacity to go visit her, and she will never accept anyone in my life that isn't her mom. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hurts1968 Posted April 22, 2014 Share Posted April 22, 2014 I just miss my kids and family. My XW and I can get along great, yeah we had some issues, but nothing that can't be fixed. If we could just start over, things would be great. With my oldest daughter going to college, I just can't fathom us not being together in some capacity to go visit her, and she will never accept anyone in my life that isn't her mom. I feel for you, but move on...your just making the hurt last longer and thats horrible. My wife ended things 10 weeks before she eventually moved out to be with someone else...it just made the ending so much worse!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
headspins Posted April 23, 2014 Share Posted April 23, 2014 I so feel for you man. That's excruciating pain that I know all too well. Whats crazy is that ive been through it 3 x now with the stbx. I don't understand how I can still have so much pain&love for her still? After all ive come to conclude she is narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, self righteous; etc. I can go on&on. Must be that I was "booty blinded" to offset all those issues I considered to overlook. Its so crazy how much power&control one can have over someone cuz of love. Its so dangerous, but we all want it. Yearn it. Take the risk&go for it. To find out most of us do not make it&most marriages probably in my opinion could survive, but we live in a fast moving society where instant gratification is all that matters. Its become cut-throat so to so speak&I am in my own Jerry Springer show. If I were you I would stop putting energy into something that's not promising. I know its hard. Hard as hell! Crying, feeling like you are all alone? Your not man. Be strong&love yourself to let go like I need to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Movingforward2 Posted April 24, 2014 Author Share Posted April 24, 2014 I'm not obsessive about it......like many others can't get my head around it. I don't feel alone as I work 24/7 and find things to do. I miss the family life, not the bitching and arguing. We don't argue much with each other unless it's over a couple of things. I'm definitely letting go more by the day. It's just nuts to think about my life a year go....crazy! Wish this would all just end at some point. Link to post Share on other sites
RonaldS Posted April 24, 2014 Share Posted April 24, 2014 It's just one of those things, man. You don't want to let go, because you went all in on a life and if you quit, then that's it. It's over. But here's the thing....it's already over. You've got this thing on life support and a feeding tube. But it will never be alive again. Just pull the plug and take it out and bury it. It's a decision that you make. It's a difficult decision, but you have to do it. Instead of banging your XW, go bang some new chick. It might not be that great at first, but eventually, you will begin to enjoy those new encounters, relationships, adventures, etc. You will gain separation physically and emotionally from your wife, and then you will truly be able to view her objectively. You will probably find that there were a lot of parts of your married life with her that were killing you. You just have to reach the point where you decide that you want to be the proprietor of YOUR life. You can still be happy, you can still be a great dad. But you will move on from your XW. Right now, she's an anchor. Cut the rope and go live life. Don't waste time on a lost cause. You'll be fine, buddy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 I'm definitely letting go more by the day. It's just nuts to think about my life a year go....crazy! Wish this would all just end at some point. I feel for you, as we were all there at one point.. denial. It did happen.. unless she is banging down your door wanting another chance... it is divorce. You need to stop thinking of what was a yr ago...it hurts.. I know. The more you think about it, the more it hurts, the more you deny that it really happened and you will keep thinking it will magically work out. I keep wishing for a unicorn to show up in my driveway so I can save on gas... You have to make the decision for you to focus on you. You can still have your family without her but you have to create it. New family outtings with your kids and YOU. New memories with your kids and YOU. New traditions with your kids and YOU. Go make new friends... I know its not always easy...join a club.. volunteer at an animal shelter.. get involved in something..make yourself busy busy busy and passionate about something. Yes.. have sex.. and I mean with someone else. But build yourself up to that... make it a goal.. maybe meet someone worthy enough to have sex with in lets say 4 months... date... even if its just for coffee.. a movie.. get out.. write yourself positive post its and post it on your bathroom mirror... "You are one handsome [email protected] today and let everyone know". Point is...get out of your head... and start getting out! Link to post Share on other sites
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