Do women truely fall out of love with men who have put them through too much?

[hurts_so_bad]

I have a question for the ladies here who have left their husbands..

 

Do women truely fall out of love after their husband puts them threw to much crap?

 

For those of you who do not know my story, I am legally seperated for alittle over two years by my exes choice...We were married 17 years and have three kids together..Threw the years I was the provider and I did pretty well buying a home, cars, etc..We never really went without much..However, I did struggle with Alchohol for the entire time we were married..

 

I was never an everyday drinker but when I drank I drank..There were countless times I went out with the guys from work, after work and didnt come home till the next day missing work as well..I would also go out gambling as well and lose a substantial amount of money, I also threw the years ended up getting arrested 4 times..3 due to DWI convictions.

 

About 3 years ago I noticed her attitude changed toward me a bit..she didnt seem as interested in much with me..We still had sex but it was like she didnt want to kiss me anymore when prior to this we never had any problems..She used to pursue me at times to fool around...

.. Just after Christmas of 2012 she told me she was no longer in love with me so we seperated..Not long after I found out she was seeing a guy..

 

We since have legally seperated and from what I hear has broken up with that guy recently and is now dating another guy..I guess I always thought at some point when it ended with the first guy she may want to try again with me but now that she is dating someone else it seems its for real and we are done..

 

I guess what I am getting at here is that I just cant seem to see that even after all the BS I put her threw she would lose love for me..In some ways I feel its BS and I just wasnt good enough and that these other guys have something Im lacking..

 

Reason I feel this way is because I know women who are with total JO's and never leave them or fall out of love with them..I have read so many threads on the internet with women falling back in love or still in love

with their ex'es who did them wrong.. I would say 90% of them tell a story that the reason they broke is because of him cheating..But yet they still stick around or want them back..

 

In much of what I read I see many women just never seem to get over men who have done them wrong which makes me question why mine did..Thats why I am asking the question...Have any of you women out there truely fell out of love with your ex due to the things he has done to make you feel no feeling for him anymore to the point where you would not get back with him?

 

Please give honest answers..Not just answers that are answers out of anger toward your ex because you still care for him...I am looking for true answers from women who have truely lost the feeling of being in love with their husbands due to his issues

[TAV]

YES! When I got married I meant the for better or worse and lived according to that rule but unfortunately only one of us stuck to the cherish part. You can only forgive so many times. If a man becomes another child to take care of, one who will never grow up and won't improve himself, you won't recognize yourself one day. And you certainly won't be able to find the love you once held in your heart for this man.

 

It just wears thin till it one day disappears completely.

[HPrynne]

Yes. Absolutely.

 

 

There are a number of articles you can find online that describe this phenomenon, and you will also see it a lot if you search through online message boards dealing with alcoholism, such as: soberrecovery. It is a natural process and logical conclusion to that type of behavior, unless the spouse is so codependent that he or she can't break free.

[mammasita]

Yes it happens. I completely emotionally disconnect from ANYONE when I'm done wrong. Unfortunately, it doesn't work all that well when I'm being dumped directly, but when in a situation as you describe, it's very easy to disconnect emotionally.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

YES! When I got married I meant the for better or worse and lived according to that rule but unfortunately only one of us stuck to the cherish part. You can only forgive so many times. If a man becomes another child to take care of, one who will never grow up and won't improve himself, you won't recognize yourself one day. And you certainly won't be able to find the love you once held in your heart for this man.

 

It just wears thin till it one day disappears completely.

 

TAV? Were you once married to my ex too??

 

Same thing here. Word for word. I gave this man EVERYTHING I had and fought to be the best possible wife I could be only to have it backfire on me time and time again. At some point, you get tired of being miserable, angry, stressed, and resentful. When I told him the marriage was over and I was done, he didn't really believe it either. He still didn't want to believe it when I moved into a new house. I felt nothing after I left. Never even cried. All I felt was joy at it finally being over.

[ja123]

YES! When I got married I meant the for better or worse and lived according to that rule but unfortunately only one of us stuck to the cherish part. You can only forgive so many times. If a man becomes another child to take care of, one who will never grow up and won't improve himself, you won't recognize yourself one day. And you certainly won't be able to find the love you once held in your heart for this man.

 

It just wears thin till it one day disappears completely.

 

 

 

^ ^ This.

 

 

Plus, I had a controlling abuser on my hands.

 

 

If you stay with someone who is hurting you (and himself!), you not only lose the love and respect you had for him, but the love you had for yourself, and your faith in the world, and in living at all.

 

 

It can become a living hell, where the good moments aren't even good anymore.

 

 

You have no choice but to leave when it gets to the point of all pleasure and all reason to be alive are non-existent.

 

 

Perhaps the women who stay are so co-dependent that they are too fearful of life on the outside of such a prison, so then the prison "seems" safe.

 

 

For those who can no longer take the prison, it's either escape from it or die.

 

 

Even if, finally, the man has dealt with his issues that were causing so much pain, it's too late to start again as there's been too much water under the bridge ... the glass has been broken and cannot be put back together again.

 

 

It is very sad, as no one intends for all this to happen when they get married.

 

 

P.S. It's good that you've recognized your alcoholism, as that's the first step to managing it. I hope you have a support system in place (e.g. AA, counselor, and/or other). Also, you might want to be assessed by a mental health practitioner to see if you haven't something that is causing the alcoholism. Some people who have bi-polar, medicate themselves with alcohol, for instance.

 

 

Sorry for your heartbreak.

 

 

Keep working on yourself, you will find love again!

 

 

 

Best of luck!

Edited April 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Commercial link redacted

[TAV]

TAV? Were you once married to my ex too??

 

Same thing here. Word for word. I gave this man EVERYTHING I had and fought to be the best possible wife I could be only to have it backfire on me time and time again. At some point, you get tired of being miserable, angry, stressed, and resentful. When I told him the marriage was over and I was done, he didn't really believe it either. He still didn't want to believe it when I moved into a new house. I felt nothing after I left. Never even cried. All I felt was joy at it finally being over.

 

For your sake I do not hope so! ha, ha. For my ex did not believe it either when I told him I wanted a divorce and in fact did everything in his power to keep me, even use our kids as shields to get what he wanted, which disappointed me the most since I always thought he loved them more than anything. I guess I had forgiven him so many times he just could not believe that I actually had the strength to walk away.

 

Funny thing was that I did not realise how much power I held over him till I stood my ground and proceeded with the divorce. But I cannot live like that; forcing someone to treat me nice by playing power games. It should come from the heart.

 

And I never really cried over him either after I told him I wanted a divorce. I did cry over the misery he put us through the months after, but never in front of him. I knew I had to be as cold and distant as I could be because he would feed on any sign of weakness. But then both you and I, SLO, must have done our fair share of mourning in the years before the end.

 

Not only my love for him is gone now, any feelings of friendship or basic kindness have also evaporated due to how he handled the divorce. I deal with him because I have to for the children's sake but if I never had to see him every again that would be fine with me.

 

So OP, whatever relationship you have left with your ex, don't ruin it by trying to hold on to what's no more there.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

And I never really cried over him either after I told him I wanted a divorce. I did cry over the misery he put us through the months after, but never in front of him. I knew I had to be as cold and distant as I could be because he would feed on any sign of weakness. But then both you and I, SLO, must have done our fair share of mourning in the years before the end.

 

Not only my love for him is gone now, any feelings of friendship or basic kindness have also evaporated due to how he handled the divorce. I deal with him because I have to for the children's sake but if I never had to see him every again that would be fine with me.

 

YES!! All my tears and emotions were spent DURING the marriage, and he never seemed to care then. I went through 2 emotional breakdowns, depression, even saw a counselor for awhile. I had to be on sleep meds for 5 years because of the anxiety and stress he put me through. It was almost exactly 1 year after I left that I was finally able to sleep again without any meds. It was the most amazing thing the first time it happened. Been sleeping like a rock ever since. And like you, we stay in contact for the kids only, but if I never had to see him again I would be a happy camper.

[txgrl]

Yes, it is very possible that I would have fallen out of love because of the things you have mentioned and would have wanted out . Sorry, I know you're hurting and this is not what you want to hear . Hopefully , you're working in your drinking and gambling? You seem like a healthy guy in your pic and you mention karate and gym . You're in the right track and you seem to have a lot of good qualities . Work on them and hopefully you'll find someone really special who will appreciate you for who you are . Best .

[2.50 a gallon]

Look at how faithful a dog is. A true form of unconditional love. Love them back and they will love you all of their lives. However, even a dog, if you mistreat him will turn on you.

[EverySunset]

another sad soul that looks like mine...

 

I was superwife. Period. Adored him, his children, his fam and friends. Treated everyone like a friend, and watched... After many years together, in love, building a family, life and home, as alcohol took over my husband.

 

And yes, I fell unceremoniously out of love with my childrens father. My best friend.

 

He didn't just put me through hell. He DRAGGED me there. And then I hid it from everybody for HIM. I still loved him at first, but as time went by, when he touched me, my skin would crawl. I stopped kissing him too. When we did have sex that he didnt force me to, it was quick and disconnected.

 

Sometimes, you don't just fall out of love. Sometimes, you have to heal enough so that you don't hate them. That's where I am.

 

When my STBXH tried to all-out get me back, 3x now and counting, he pulled out all the stops. Tried to buy me, have another baby, be sober, get my dream home. You name it. But I had fallen so out of love, I could barely stand to be in a room with him.

 

Please, heal yourself. And then decide if you're doing it for yourself, or just to win her back, cause that never works.

 

Heal, for yourself.

 

I know its not the answer you probably want, but it is the only one that will bring you happiness.

 

^ ^ This.

 

 

Plus, I had a controlling abuser on my hands.

 

 

If you stay with someone who is hurting you (and himself!), you not only lose the love and respect you had for him, but the love you had for yourself, and your faith in the world, and in living at all.

 

 

It can become a living hell, where the good moments aren't even good anymore.

 

 

You have no choice but to leave when it gets to the point of all pleasure and all reason to be alive are non-existent.

 

 

Perhaps the women who stay are so co-dependent that they are too fearful of life on the outside of such a prison, so then the prison "seems" safe.

 

 

For those who can no longer take the prison, it's either escape from it or die.

 

 

Even if, finally, the man has dealt with his issues that were causing so much pain, it's too late to start again as there's been too much water under the bridge ... the glass has been broken and cannot be put back together again.

 

 

It is very sad, as no one intends for all this to happen when they get married.

 

 

P.S. It's good that you've recognized your alcoholism, as that's the first step to managing it. I hope you have a support system in place (e.g. AA, counselor, and/or other). Also, you might want to be assessed by a mental health practitioner to see if you haven't something that is causing the alcoholism. Some people who have bi-polar, medicate themselves with alcohol, for instance.

 

 

Sorry for your heartbreak.

 

 

Keep working on yourself, you will find love again!

 

 

 

 

 

Best of luck!

Edited April 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[M30USA]

YES! When I got married I meant the for better or worse and lived according to that rule but unfortunately only one of us stuck to the cherish part. You can only forgive so many times. If a man becomes another child to take care of, one who will never grow up and won't improve himself, you won't recognize yourself one day. And you certainly won't be able to find the love you once held in your heart for this man.

 

It just wears thin till it one day disappears completely.

 

This can also apply to wives too.

[TAV]

This can also apply to wives too.

 

Of course it can!

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

We still had sex but it was like she didnt want to kiss me anymore when prior to this we never had any problems..She used to pursue me at times to fool around...

.. Just after Christmas of 2012 she told me she was no longer in love with me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reason I feel this way is because I know women who are with total JO's and never leave them or fall out of love with them..I have read so many threads on the internet with women falling back in love or still in love

with their ex'es who did them wrong..

I would say 90% of them tell a story that the reason they broke is because of him cheating..But yet they still stick around or want them back..

 

In much of what I read I see many women just never seem to get over men who have done them wrong which makes me question why mine did..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You haven't quite connected the dots on a very key piece of this puzzle.

 

 

For starters women aren't attracted to don't love JOs because they are JOs per se. It's that some women have such a strong sexual attraction and connection with some guy that he treats her like a JO and she tolerates it up to a point because he makes her jay-jay so wet.

 

 

It's like if some gal was a porn star and layed her SO like tile with wild, kinky sex every night and twisted him every which way but loose, she could probably treat him like dog meat the other 22 hours of the day too.

 

 

What's likely happened in your case is your chronic substance abuse and irresponsible/criminal behavior caused her to lose her sexual attraction and connection with you and once it was gone you got the, "I love you but not in love with you speech," and she moved on.

 

 

What you are also not taking into account is being attracted to and feeling the sexual attraction pull of a JO is only temporary. People will allow themselves to get burned over and over but only for a certain amount of time or number of times. After that the pain starts to outweigh the passion and passion quickly crumbles.

 

 

My guess the reason people seem to come back to cheaters is usually the cheating was unknown to them for a period of time while the cheater continued to treat them fairly well to their face. It was only after they got caught that the sht hit the fan. with a cheater, the BS thinks everything is fine on Monday only to find out that their spouse cheated on Tuesday. If the WS at least makes it look like they are remorseful and pays lip service to trying to reconcile, the BS will often fall for it initially.

 

 

With substance abuse and it's associated problems, it's quite apparent while it's going on and feelings of attraction and connection are chipped away piece by piece day by day until it's gone.

[oldshirt]

.....And I don't know how to say this without sounding like Captain Obvious, but jerkish behavior is NOT an effective strategy for keeping a spouse from falling out of love with you and leaving you.

[M30USA]

Of course it can!

 

The more I see in life, the less I'm starting to assign generalities to men and women. It simply comes down character.

[hurts_so_bad]

.....And I don't know how to say this without sounding like Captain Obvious, but jerkish behavior is NOT an effective strategy for keeping a spouse from falling out of love with you and leaving you.

 

You are 100% right with both your posts...I guess in a way its hard for me to accept that she lost the attraction and love for me threw the things I did...I always let it eat me alive thinking with my d@ck which makes me believe these new guys must be better in the sack...It kinda destroys your manhood..

 

It sometimes make you believe this because you seee so many women with JO's who never leave...It never helps when you hear these egotisticle aholes talking about IF YOU DO HER RIGHT IN THE SACK SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE..

 

Thats the one that gets me because obvioulsy she left!

 

I know of guys who's wifes were total pieces of garbage telling them they left cause the sex was better! Thats a real piece of crap looking to take the guys manhood right out from under him!

 

I cant imagine how a guy who is told something like that can move on and still hold his head high..I was never told anything like that but I still find it hard to hold my head high after she left me and met someone new..It bothered me so much thinking the OP must be better in the sack and it still plagues me now but much less..

[oldshirt]

You are 100% right with both your posts...I guess in a way its hard for me to accept that she lost the attraction and love for me threw the things I did...I always let it eat me alive thinking with my d@ck which makes me believe these new guys must be better in the sack...It kinda destroys your manhood..

 

It sometimes make you believe this because you seee so many women with JO's who never leave...It never helps when you hear these egotisticle aholes talking about IF YOU DO HER RIGHT IN THE SACK SHE WILL NEVER LEAVE..

 

Thats the one that gets me because obvioulsy she left!

 

I know of guys who's wifes were total pieces of garbage telling them they left cause the sex was better! Thats a real piece of crap looking to take the guys manhood right out from under him!

 

I cant imagine how a guy who is told something like that can move on and still hold his head high..I was never told anything like that but I still find it hard to hold my head high after she left me and met someone new..It bothered me so much thinking the OP must be better in the sack and it still plagues me now but much less..

 

 

 

You are assigning to much value to "good in the sack."

 

 

Women are raised and have been socialized from birth to sacrifice "good in the sack" for a "good man." You have flunked the "good man" test.

 

 

You may have been fine in the sack and your dck may be fine, but the accumulated effects of your drunken and bad behavior over the years destroyed her attraction to you and lowered your market value and sex rank to where even if you were physically able to give her an orgasm...it didn't matter.

 

 

This is all right out of the ol' Alpha and Beta handbook. You may have some of the alpha traits and characteristics that women find sexually stimulating. Those may give a woman an initial attraction but your bad behavior and lack of Beta traits and characteristics made the relationship nonsustainable.

 

 

All men had dicks, tongues and fingers and are able to have sex with a woman and find a way to please her. Your dick isn't a special snowflake and you have no patent on any sexual abilities. there are 3 billion other men that can attract her and please her in bed and many of those are not drunks, have jobs and no criminal records and are not a liability to her.

 

 

Leaving you and finding others was an easy course for her to follow in the end.

 

 

The lesson you need to learn and truth you need to accept is women stay with jerks and bad guys longer than they should....they rarely stay with them permanently. My guess is most of the world is going to think that she stayed with you way longer than she should have and gave you more chances than she ever should have. Maybe you should be thankful she stuck around as long as she did instead of bemoaning the fact that you weren't enough of jerk or enough of a stud to keep her around despite your bad behavior.

[hurts_so_bad]

You are assigning to much value to "good in the sack."

 

 

Women are raised and have been socialized from birth to sacrifice "good in the sack" for a "good man." You have flunked the "good man" test.

 

 

You may have been fine in the sack and your dck may be fine, but the accumulated effects of your drunken and bad behavior over the years destroyed her attraction to you and lowered your market value and sex rank to where even if you were physically able to give her an orgasm...it didn't matter.

 

 

This is all right out of the ol' Alpha and Beta handbook. You may have some of the alpha traits and characteristics that women find sexually stimulating. Those may give a woman an initial attraction but your bad behavior and lack of Beta traits and characteristics made the relationship nonsustainable.

 

 

All men had dicks, tongues and fingers and are able to have sex with a woman and find a way to please her. Your dick isn't a special snowflake and you have no patent on any sexual abilities. there are 3 billion other men that can attract her and please her in bed and many of those are not drunks, have jobs and no criminal records and are not a liability to her.

 

 

Leaving you and finding others was an easy course for her to follow in the end.

 

 

The lesson you need to learn and truth you need to accept is women stay with jerks and bad guys longer than they should....they rarely stay with them permanently. My guess is most of the world is going to think that she stayed with you way longer than she should have and gave you more chances than she ever should have. Maybe you should be thankful she stuck around as long as she did instead of bemoaning the fact that you weren't enough of jerk or enough of a stud to keep her around despite your bad behavior.

 

Well the truth is I was the badboy the entire marriage till she finally had enough I guess...I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it never worried about the consequences of what might happen in the long run..I never truely respected the marriage and it did me in...

 

For some reason I cant get that threw my head and thats why I go to theropy.. I always said that there must be something these new guys have that I Dont instead of looking and saying I F"D UP and leaving it at that..

 

I guess at some point I am going to have to

look at the true reality of what happened and go on as a confident man instead of thinking that there is something I am lacking sexually..

 

The words of my theropist himself were "If that was an issue she would have left a long time ago"

[oldshirt]

Well the truth is I was the badboy the entire marriage till she finally had enough I guess...I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it never worried about the consequences of what might happen in the long run..I never truely respected the marriage and it did me in...

 

For some reason I cant get that threw my head and thats why I go to theropy.. I always said that there must be something these new guys have that I Dont instead of looking and saying I F"D UP and leaving it at that..

 

I guess at some point I am going to have to

look at the true reality of what happened and go on as a confident man instead of thinking that there is something I am lacking sexually..

 

The words of my theropist himself were "If that was an issue she would have left a long time ago"

 

 

 

You are thinking like a man but where you are falling down is that you believe women think like men as well.

 

 

A man WILL stay with a woman who flips him every which way but loose in bed every day no matter how bad she treats him outside the bedroom.

 

 

Women might put up with a lot of crap for sexual attraction too but not as much as a guy. Men don't really have a breaking point if the woman is hot and the sex is great and abundant, women do.

 

 

You're thought process that that she should stay with you and endure all your crap because you make her cum is erroneous and misguided. You may stay with a woman who is very pretty and very sexual even though she's a basket case in other area's of her life, but women aren't as forgiving.

 

 

And for women sex is a cheap and abundant resource for which there are always 3 billion other opportunities out there so sexual prowess is not assigned the same priority value that it is for men.

 

 

You are correct in your assessment, you finally pushed your wife past her breaking point. Your bad behavior wrote checks your dick wasn't able to cash.

[worldgonewrong]

Sidebar: I sometimes think men AND women (depending on the type of person) are guilty of presuming that sex equals some kind of power balance or control. And that attitude is the reason why a lot of relationships get messed up.

Sex - or lovemaking, if you will - starts waaaaay outside the bedroom, if you're in a committed relationship.

This is why I see so many guys lose their minds, because they're only thinking of the naked portion of the thing, while completely forgetting the other 90% that led them to the bedroom. And there's lots of women (and men) who secretly feel short-changed in the 90% pre-bedroom aspect. That contributes to the death of relationships.

[worldgonewrong]

additional - a woman in a committed relationship no longer wants to feel like the gal you just picked up from a bar, in the heat of the moment. She wants to savor the 'heat' throughout the day, way before the clothes come off. It's about respect, patience, really listening and communicating with that person before the so-called big show.

[worldgonewrong]

Final bit of pontification: trust equals lust. (I read that somewhere.)

If you burn up the trust, it doesn't matter how much physically you have going on ("look at my guns") - it's over or on its way to ending. The runtiest-looking guy can woo a woman if he's straightforward and trustworthy, and can look incredibly sexy to another woman because of those qualities. All the preening in the world can't save a guy who chips away at a woman's trust. He might be able to fool her a few times, but won't be able to sustain it.

[dome]

Hi, this is my first post. The sentiments expressed above echo my experience. I hurt my wife deeply through anger and dependency. I was the third child in our "marriage". It did not start that way but it certainly ended like that.

I gave up any prospect of personal growth thinking that somehow I had arrived. Tav and others have summed it up well. With enough cuts, there was only scar tissue for my wife in the end. Unfeeling, ugly.

Death by a thousand cuts is an apt summary of my marriage.

She said I was a wonderful father but lamented that I was not involved with her.

So yeah there will be a point of no return and then it's lost.

She made the right decision frankly. I did not want her to be choked or suffocated by my inertia. She could see my future without change and did not want to be a part of it. How could I oppose her freedom to choose. I cannot nor will not.

It does not make the pain of loss any less but it does, at least, prevent further damage.

To the OP. You're looking in the wrong direction. My wife said once that if she never had sex again for the rest of her life she couldn't have cared less.

She was craving far more than that (see previous posts) and I withheld it.

[hurts_so_bad]

I know all of you guys are right..I just gotta pound it into my head! I guess its so many years of hearing bullsh@t like if you make her toes curl she will never leave and other things like that which are pounded into mens heads threw the years by egoidiots who probably found it adequate to cum in 5.5 seconds..

 

Men are bullsh@t artists in many cases who will tell you how they go all night long off the ceilings and the walls, etc to make themselves look like studs when the simple fact is much of it is plain out bullsh@t!

 

But this is alot of the stuff that get pounded in your head time and time again till it becomes a way of thinking or seeing things..I take karate and my sensei says that you have to do a particular move 10,000 times for it to become something that becomes second nature to you or a subconcious act

 

Its similar to that..If you have this sort of thinking pounded in your head for years you are going to think this way and when a women leaves you you are going to think I must have a problem cause she would have never left if i was f@cking her right!

Edited April 21, 2014 by hurts_so_bad