RonaldS Posted April 6, 2014 Share Posted April 6, 2014 Back story/reminder of situation: Divorced, wife moved kids 220 miles away to another state (to live with her parents) when we first separated, I was too dumb to get her before a judge right away, her state got jurisdiction of the kids, I drive back there a lot to see the kids, they all still live with her parents. OK....about a year ago, 3+ years into our separation but before the D was finalized, I had finally gotten sick of having the same unproductive conversation with my XW, one that would invariably go for two hours, with her just heaping blame on me for every thing I ever did over 14 years, I finally cut off spoken communication with her. Anything that needed to be communicated could be done through text or email, unless of course it was an emergency. Works perfectly. It's concise and efficient. No BS, no drama. Nothing superfluous...just hard details. Well, I guess I'm the only one who likes this arrangement, because when I stopped in to pick up my kids the other day, my XW's mother cornered me and began reaming me about freezing her daughter out. I don't see the problem with it, actually....especially since I'm not the one who set that precedence. My XW has called to talk 2 times....2 TIMES....since we separated. That's it. Once was because she was monitoring my texts and phone calls online and called to find out who a certain girl was that I was chatting with. The 2nd time was when she thought I was going to try to get custody of the kids. Typical of my XW. Unable to even mildly communicate, too weak and immature to handle her own issues so she has to have her parents come after me all the time. This is the 'woman' who is 'raising' my kids. This is what's being modeled. And of course, she wouldn't be who she is if she weren't wildly hypocritical. She doesn't have to put any effort into talking to me, but I have to put effort into talking to her? Get the eff out, haha! And it's an issue, but she doesn't even have the gumption to address it herself? Has to have her mommy fight her fights? Holy crap. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 You should have held up your hand and said, "I need not listen to you any further. If my XW has an issue, she can speak with me directly." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 (edited) Just tell her: "Sorry! Your daughter and by extension YOU signed away your "bitching rights " about me and my life the day she signed the doted line on the divorce papers! Have a nice day! And then get to stepping! Literally shut up and don't say nor listen to another word Edited April 16, 2014 by Gunny376 Editing 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 The 2nd time was when she thought I was going to try to get custody of the kids. Man, I get your disgust with the battle axe(s), but this is where I'd like to see your attention focused, not on these harpies. Have you ever visited Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com? Custody for fathers is paractically the sole focus of that site, and there's a wealth of information. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Man, I get your disgust with the battle axe(s), but this is where I'd like to see your attention focused, not on these harpies. Have you ever visited Divorce Information for Men and Fathers | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com? Custody for fathers is paractically the sole focus of that site, and there's a wealth of information. Thanks for the link and the input. We're actually fine when it comes to custody/visitation. The reason the custody is what it is right now is because of school/career change on my part, so I can't have them for extended periods of time. Starting next year, I will be able to have them for most of the summer as well as various breaks. My XW is actually pretty cool with that. I can swing by and get the kids anytime I want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted April 16, 2014 Author Share Posted April 16, 2014 Just tell her: "Sorry! Your daughter and by extension YOU signed away your "bitching rights " about me and my life the day she signed the doted line on the divorce papers! Have a nice day! And then get to stepping! Literally shut up and don't say nor listen to another word Haha! She would piss her pants. I actually have a good relationship with my former in-laws (probably why my xMiL thinks she has carte blanche to lay into me). When she goes off, I just placate her. My XW, on the other hand...I have no interest in being her buddy, being diplomatic, etc. However, if she grew up a little and made an attempt to communicate like an adult, I wouldn't be above hearing her out. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 16, 2014 Share Posted April 16, 2014 You should have held up your hand and said, "Talk to the hand." Unnecessary hostility gets unnecessary answers. What is her mother doing in the picture anyhow? Is your wife older than 17 or did you marry a highschool girl? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 "Talk to the hand." Unnecessary hostility gets unnecessary answers. What is her mother doing in the picture anyhow? Is your wife older than 17 or did you marry a highschool girl? She lives with her parents....still. After almost 4 years. I know...I know. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 That's ridiculous. What does she want you two to talk about? Are you willing to discuss important issues about the children with your ex? If so, I would have told her mother the only thing the two of you need to talk about now are the children and you manage that just fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 That's ridiculous. What does she want you two to talk about? Are you willing to discuss important issues about the children with your ex? If so, I would have told her mother the only thing the two of you need to talk about now are the children and you manage that just fine. The root of the issue is that I imposed a 'talking moratorium' a year ago. Every simple conversation about the kids always turned into two hours of her bringing up every little infraction I've ever committed. I finally got sick of it and issued the email/text edict. Then, when we finalized last September, she cornered me at the courthouse and said she wanted to get counseling and rebuild our friendship and relationship. I pretty much said 'Thanks, but no thanks'. She's not a friend, and there's nothing to rebuild. That being said, there are any number of moves she could make if she really wants reparations. But she has to do them. I'm sick of taking care of everything. I'm not a d*ck...I'm not trying to penalize or hurt her. I just don't feel like being the one to always fix everything. When her mom told me I needed to start talking to her, I simply told her that I talked to her for 14 years, and now I'm done. That doesn't mean I'm not receptive to some sort of even borderline adult overture on her part. But, she is way too passive and afraid to even try. Well, you get out of things what you put into them. On a related note, she is on the way to getting remarried. I'm fine with that. But she continues to make sh*tty comments about things that happened between us. Anytime she wants to get over that crap, that would be fine with me. It's like, aren't you in a serious relationship? Don't you think you owe it to him to get over your previous marriage? And her finally dropping that crap would go a long way in getting me to feel like talking to her again. I agree with her that my actions at the end of our marriage were bad. However, I have owned the mistakes I've made and worked diligently to face not only her, but her family as well....I've come to her and apologized for the things I've done, genuinely and sincerely, a number of times. But I did it, so I'm done. Whatever further she needs to get over this crap is up to her to conjur up...or her new guy. And if she ever decided to apologize for the ten million sh*tty things she's done to me, hey...I'm all ears. But I know that's never coming. So, we're at something of an impasse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 There's nothing left to talk about. If she needs to understand why the relationship ended, she can go to counseling. Why would she think you want to get sucked into that? Was she very emotionally demanding in the relationship, holding you responsible for her happiness? Communicating via text or email about the kids is sufficient. That's the norm for divorced people with children. They aren't having deep conversations after a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted April 17, 2014 Share Posted April 17, 2014 The root of the issue is that I imposed a 'talking moratorium' a year ago. Every simple conversation about the kids always turned into two hours of her bringing up every little infraction I've ever committed. I finally got sick of it and issued the email/text edict. Then, when we finalized last September, she cornered me at the courthouse and said she wanted to get counseling and rebuild our friendship and relationship. I pretty much said 'Thanks, but no thanks'. She's not a friend, and there's nothing to rebuild. That being said, there are any number of moves she could make if she really wants reparations. But she has to do them. I'm sick of taking care of everything. I'm not a d*ck...I'm not trying to penalize or hurt her. I just don't feel like being the one to always fix everything. When her mom told me I needed to start talking to her, I simply told her that I talked to her for 14 years, and now I'm done. That doesn't mean I'm not receptive to some sort of even borderline adult overture on her part. But, she is way too passive and afraid to even try. Well, you get out of things what you put into them. On a related note, she is on the way to getting remarried. I'm fine with that. But she continues to make sh*tty comments about things that happened between us. Anytime she wants to get over that crap, that would be fine with me. It's like, aren't you in a serious relationship? Don't you think you owe it to him to get over your previous marriage? And her finally dropping that crap would go a long way in getting me to feel like talking to her again. I agree with her that my actions at the end of our marriage were bad. However, I have owned the mistakes I've made and worked diligently to face not only her, but her family as well....I've come to her and apologized for the things I've done, genuinely and sincerely, a number of times. But I did it, so I'm done. Whatever further she needs to get over this crap is up to her to conjur up...or her new guy. And if she ever decided to apologize for the ten million sh*tty things she's done to me, hey...I'm all ears. But I know that's never coming. So, we're at something of an impasse. When people have a common enemy, it helps them bond. This is one reason why exes continue to talk about their exes with new partners and family members. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 There's nothing left to talk about. If she needs to understand why the relationship ended, she can go to counseling. Why would she think you want to get sucked into that? Was she very emotionally demanding in the relationship, holding you responsible for her happiness? Communicating via text or email about the kids is sufficient. That's the norm for divorced people with children. They aren't having deep conversations after a divorce. Good call. She was completely emotionally demanding. She didn't know how to be happy on her own, and made it my job to make her happy. I don't know if she's been able to work that issue out, or if it's different with the new guy, but to be honest, I have no interest in finding out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RonaldS Posted April 17, 2014 Author Share Posted April 17, 2014 Another weird thing that happened post-moratorium: My XW has always abhorred social media. Completely. Never had a FB page, and always talked down about people who used FB. Well, last month I was doing a FB search for a cousin, and my XW pops up in the search (she's still using my last name, which is an uncommon last name). Anyway, I went on the profile, and she started it roughly a month after we stopped talking (so, almost a year ago). There are no pics, no profile pic, no information, no friends, no activity, nothing. My profile was always pretty public. I kinda wonder if she started a profile to check in on me. Seems like something she would do, given her long track record of hacking into my phone, emails, FB, tracking phone activity online, etc. You know, you're not paranoid if they really are out to get you. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted April 18, 2014 Share Posted April 18, 2014 Of course she is. Hell, even bullies want info; though personally I've locked my FB page down with high security to prevent that. But that makes it all the weirder. I hope she's a better mother than adult. Link to post Share on other sites
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