A Changed Man

[Joseph H]

Before I start, I just want to warn you, this is very long. I hope the details that I provide would help you understand the situation better and perhaps advice me better. This is my last resort. No offense but I really have no where else to turn to. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and have contemplated suicide. I hope that feel has passed.

 

None of the names I use below are real. For reasons I'm sure you would understand.

 

The History

When I first met Natasha, it was through a friend during a karaoke session. I had just gotten out of a depression attack from my ex-gf, Helen, which left me sleeping on a friend's apartment floor for 2 months because I could not go home to my apartment where I once shared with Helen. I loved Helen deeply. We couldnt get enough of each other. We had sex everyday, everywhere... We loved each other deeply. However, Helen has a thing for men. She gets turned on and attracted to other men easily. I actually slept with her when she still had a boyfriend. So she is a cheater. I should have saw that coming...she cheated on me after 2yrs together and she left me. Said she felt guilty. Whatever.

 

I was still recovering but I drowned myself with new friends and partied hard. I was 24 back then. Natasha was 21. She showed great interest in me though I wasnt because I was still unstable emotionally.

Fast forward, we hooked up, partied a lot, went to raves and clubs. Had a blast. Sex wasnt as good as it was comparing to my ex. Natasha was less adventurous. But I'm not a sleep and dump kind of guy. I stayed in the relationship. Natasha had 2 boyfriends before me. Before she left No.1, she met No.2, hooked him, dump No.1 and moved on. Then she met me, got me interested...then dumped No.2. But she will never sleep with the new one unless she broke up with the old one. This way, she wont be guilty of cheating... Physically.

 

Fast forward...

 

After almost 2 yrs, we finished our studies and went back to our home country. She moved to my state to work there and be with me. I started to change. I stopped clubbing and pubbing so much. Kept giving her excuses. So she went with her girlfriends. She started acting cold one day and said she wants to break up. At this point, I have fallen in love with her. So naturally, I fought to keep her. She denied there is a third person. She just doesnt love me anymore. Zero feelings. After 2 weeks of timeout, it still didnt work. So i told her, "Take your time to find a new place. You can still stay here." because I still love her despite her not feeling the same. Then the next day, I did something really bad. I looked at her phone. Note: during our timeout, someone was sending her home each time she went clubbing. And its a modified sports car with those loud exhaust. I just thought it was her girlfriend's BF or something. I saw flirty sexy messages, all the kissy kissy **** on her phone. SMS from a David... I lost it. She then admitted she has been flirting with him before she initiated the break up. But did not sleep with him. I told her to get out that same night. She went to her aunt's place. Almost immediately after she slept with David. For the next 2 months, I went all out. Went to meet people, make friends, went to the gym, everything I could to not fall back into depression. Friends took me to brothels too. My first time. I went at least 5-6 times, couldnt cum. Was too upset over Natasha. Instead, I just spoke to those working girls. I didnt like it anyway. Not my cup of tea.

 

2months later, Natasha started calling me a lot. And SMSes too. I ignored everything until one night she came to my place. I didnt know what to do. I let her in. We spoke. She told me everything. I told her everything. We had sex that night. Friends with benefits... After a few months, she broke down and told me she still loves me and she made a mistake. This was when I was making a move on another girl in a club. She saw, and got jealous and broke down. I still had feelings I suppressed deep down so I got back with her.

 

2 happy years later, we got married.

 

The Married Life

It was all good at first. A lot of love making and spending time together. We even played video games together, World of Warcraft. We both loved it. By now, she was earning twice my pay. It got me down. I tried harder at work but I wasnt going anywhere. I bitched about it everyday, went to work late, came home early, I fell into a rut. She complained. I did nothing. Then I got a new job. Things improved a little. We decided to have a kid.

 

My parents gave us money to buy a big house together. My family is well off.

We moved in, had our daughter. I loved her and my newborn so much more than I have ever loved anything in my life. Months later, she started complaining abt finances. That I cant contribute enough. So I worked harder. Got a better pay but by then, she earned 4times my salary. She's in a specialized field. A very academically strong woman. Time passed, we had our second baby girl. Accident but still, no regrets.

 

Just last year, we decided to migrate. The country we live in is highly corrupted and our government is a joke.

 

The Break Up

I am now 34, she is 31. Our eldest girl is 3 and youngest is 1 1/2.

About 2 weeks ago, after drinks with her colleague and colleague's husband + his friends, we went home. I initiated sex. She said no and was very upset. I asked why...

 

The Reasons

- My pay never increased much. I cant contribute enough to the family = True.

- I spent a lot of times playing games and watching TV series = True.

- I lied about my studies. I dont have double degrees like I told her. I went through shady connections and bought them. Because I messed up. I blew my parents money away and got nothing. = True. I lied about it to everyone because I got away with it so I kept lying about it whenever anyone asks. She called me a liar and a failure.

- She said she no longer loves me. She feels nothing for me except negative feelings. She is afraid of what would happen when we migrate.

- She says I like to exaggerate and brag. Even when I read something in the news or magazine, I would tell people about it in a braggy manner. Like, "Hey, did you know..." "No, really?!" And it made me feel good. = True

- I dont socialize anymore. Im like a recluse. = True

 

She said if we didnt have kids, she would file for divorce immediately. But she is afraid my family would bribe judges and lawyers and take the kids away from her.

 

My Reasons

 

- I use to be very fit. Athletic build. Boyish good looks. (What other girls tell me they like about me). I'm lazy and I procrastinate but I'm not stupid. I can be very manipulative as I am very good with words and I can be very devious. I always manage to think of solutions for everything. I am full of ideas, good and bad. But I lost my self confidence and self esteem. Like every man in a happy relationship, I let myself go. Got fat. Hated myself and did nothing. So I hid away from social life. Blamed everything and everyone around me when things didnt go my way.

 

- I was complacent and happy with my kids, occasional sex with wife, etc. I fell into a slump.

 

- When she confronted me about the degrees because I told her not to include that into our migration information. She found out the truth and was shocked. She said nothing. I left it alone. I bought the degrees because I feared my father. I thought I got away with it. I even got a job and learned everything from scratch and I am good at what I do now. So, i thought nothing of it. The migration application holds the full truth about me and that made her upset. I was 100% truthful to a piece of document than I was with her.

 

- My family is in development and owns a lot of property. I was not worried about money because I am a loser with a rich family that will have rental money later in life. Kept telling myself, I will have enough to give my family a good comfortable life.

 

The Wake Up Call

 

- Natasha wants to leave me. Im a failure. A liar. A loser and a complete bum. And I have 2 kids.

- She no longer trusts me.

- I suspected a third party and was relentlessly poking at her about it. She says there are guys interested in her but she is not interested.

- She started to use facial and body scrubs, dyed her hair, dress better. I was more worried.

- That same night she told me everything, I woke up and promised her I will change. I wont give her a miserable life in our new country.

- I took self improvement classes. Anger management classes. Sales technique classes.

- I started dieting. Dropped from 89 kilo to 84 kilo so far. In 2 weeks...because I had severe depression. Stopped eating for 3 days.

- I sought out business partners and plan to open a franchise when we migrate. She is worried she wont get a job during the first few months. So I made sure I will bring in the money. To me, this is a new beginning. A fresh start.

- I admit all my faults. I did not hide them anymore. I told her I will change. I will be there for the kids. I will be a better person. No more tantrums. No more lying. No more gaming. No more TV series. No more staying at home and missing out on life together. No more procrastinating.

- I am an action kind of guy. When something goes wrong, my brain goes into overload and I find the solutions and solve it and make it stick.

 

I cant afford to mess this up anymore. Too much is at risk. My family has agreed to lend me the money to start the business for our new life. I cannot and will not be a disappointment anymore.

 

But Natasha thinks I will just change back to my usual self if she lets me back in.

 

I told myself, if she is willing to leave me now, she will do it again. Whether she is cheating on me or not, whether there is a third party right now, doesnt matter... I need to buck up. For myself, for my kids, for my marriage.

 

I want and need my wife to love me again. I love her too much to let her go.

My wife. Mother to my kids. My everything.

 

 

The Situation Now

 

- Kids are staying with my in-laws for a while.

- She says she wants solitude. Time away from me. Im scared theres someone else or she meets someone else. She assured me there is none. But I cant help feeling like it could happen because she lied to me before we got married about a third party.

- She goes out without telling me anymore. Does whatever she pleases. It worries me a great deal.

- I changed overnight because this cannot wait. 9 months left...if our application is approved, its time to migrate.

- I sleep only 3-4hrs a day. I spend every waking moment working and planning the new business. Meeting people, talking to partners, arranging finances.

- I choose to be more pro active. Told myself to do things and not procrastinate.

- I spend free time thinking about the business or watching online self improvement videos, etc.

 

One day, she told me some documents have not arrived for our application. I took the initiative to go to the head office the next day to get it. Told her I got them.

She asked me why am I so pro active now? I use to not care. She told me its making her uncomfortable....

I am trying to be better. I WANT TO BE BETTER! I dont think its too late. But it seems to be pushing her away.

 

She says I need to give her space and time. She tells me she doesnt love me anymore...but maybe she will...in time.

 

I am finding it hard to focus on the business and planning because I dont even know if I will be migrating with a woman that is still my wife or is she just going to use me to get the kids overseas.

 

Its hard, she says, to find solitude in a house where we live together. She Whatsapp a lot these days. Maybe with her girl friends... But I am paranoid. I dont want a third party to come in when she is emotionally weak and take her away from me.

 

I will FIGHT HARD for everything and everyone I love. I am awake now and only I know for sure. And I know I wont slack anymore. Enough with the old life. It was a lie. I WILL make a new fresh start but I want my wife there with me.

 

Though she asked to be left alone now while the kids are gone, my insecurities kept provoking her into conversations.

 

She said she is negative towards me now. She wants time alone and MAYBE she will feel neutral about me again. THEN we can try to start fixing this marriage.

 

I told her we need communication to fix this. I begged her to not walk away from our marriage. She said not now. Only IF she feels neutral about me again, will she try.

 

She reassures me she wont look for another nor will she let another in. But doesnt mean she will stop flirting if someone comes along because she says its nice to get that sort of attention from men.

 

Its driving me nuts.

 

I know I have messed up big time. I know her history as well and its messing me up inside. The fear and insecurity...its making it very hard for me to focus right now. I know I need to stay focus and not lose track of my goals but I cant get her out of my mind.

 

 

The kids are back now for 1 month. So, no solitude for her. She is stuck with me for another month. End of next month, kids will be going back to my in-laws and she will study for 5 weeks for her Masters degree exam.

 

I asked her if she would like me to move out. She said yes. So I made arrangements with my parents. They have a spare room. So she will have her complete solitude during the whole of May and first week of June.

 

I know its selfish...but I am scared she may spend her study break time with another man or going out to drink or whatever!!! I asked her to try and spend some free time to think about our marriage.

 

This waiting game is driving me insane. I will be flying overseas to meet my new partners for the business during her solitude. But what if she wont accept me back 10 weeks from now? What if she wants MORE time apart?

 

I cant shake the feeling she is dragging me along until she takes the kids overseas then dumps me. She doesnt want to lose the kids. She thinks she will lose them if she stays here. Maybe thats why she is giving me this 'false hope'?

 

I told her I dont want the kids to grow up in a broken family. I want us to migrate as a happy family. She said even if she doesnt love epme anymore, migrating over and living separately is still ok for her. And she said it would be better for me. Makes me more independent. But I dont want that! I want us together again! I want my marriage back!!

 

I am trying so hard now. I am a changed man. I am embarassed and ashamed of my lies. But I have never cheated on my wife emotionally or physically. I dont blame her even when she cheated and lied back then. I drove her to another man's arms. Im scared it will happen again.

 

What do I do? God, I pray and I pray she will open her heart to me again and we can work things out. I cant give a 100% focus on what is important now for my business and POSSIBLE future with her because I miss her so much right now.

 

I miss our little cuddles and cutesy talk. I miss giving her daily big hugs and long kisses. I miss smelling her when we sleep. I miss everything about her.

 

I am affectionate and very emotional when it comes to my wife. I love her deeply and I never stop telling her how much I love her.

 

Now, she is disgusted at me, the sight and sound of me turns her away.

 

I have changed. Im more pro active. I have put my life of lies behind. I want a fresh start but I dont want it without her.

 

What do I do??

 

Its the first day today. I will move out end of April once the kids leave. Then her 5 weeks begin.

 

I cant stop thinking about it. What if she still wont accept me back by then? I know this didnt happen over night. I cant fix this over night. But should I continue planning for our life overseas? Honestly, if we cant be together, I would rather stay. In that new country, she has relatives there. I have no one. I am scared to be alone there. I am scared to lose my wife.

 

I tried to tell her how I feel. I cant focus without her. I know what needs to be done and I am doing it but I fear the unknown feelings in her heart.

The more I try to talk to her, she gets provoked and tells me I am onky pushing her away further.

 

My mother said I should stand firm and get her to communicate because a marriage needs that. My mother called me "sackless". I am too afraid of my wife now. My parents dont want the kids to go overseas with her if we do divorce.

 

Im stuck now. Will my wife play me and string me along until the kids are out of the country then dump me for real when we are overseas? I dont know and its killing me!

 

I know I should wait it out, give her peace and quiet, no more begging, nagging or provoking. I need to be a man and stop being pathetic. A begging and insecure man is not attractive.

 

But.... There's always a but. Worried about the outcome.

 

The only thing that is keeping me afloat right now is she said..

 

"I dont love you now. I feel nothing towards you. Leave me alone, give me time to think. Solitude, please. I dont know if I will ever be attracted to you again. I dont know if I will love you again. I cant unless I am no longer negative towards you. I can only start trying when I am neutral again. Right now, I just dont love you. I am disappointed and I am disgusted by your presence alone."

 

My wife has always been a stubborn and strong willed person. My father warned me she will be a problem. She wants what she wants. She gets what she wants. "She broke your heart once. Are you sure you want to marry her?", my father asked me this back then. Without hesistation, I said yes.

 

I know I love her. So damn much.

 

 

I dont know what to do. I know many of you will think I dont deserve her. She gave me 2 beautiful kids and I lied to her for years about my degrees. Its the fact that I lied so well that she is so upset.

 

I am ashamed. I know my faults. Im trying to make amends now. I will do it for myself. For my marriage and kids. I wont stop until I am a person again. A good one. One with drive and ambition.

 

What should I do if after her 5 weeks of solitude, she tells me she still feels negative towards me? She still doesnt love me then. And what if she asks for even more time? Just give in to her?

 

Or keep improving myself and be a better person, A better father. And grow a pair and tell her after her solitude, that she needs to work things out for our marriage and future and stop hiding from it?

 

Im worried if I do that, she will feel pushed and trapped and she will resent me even more and just divorce me. Actually, if this happens, at least I am clear on what direction my life will be headed. I can plan better. No more doubts or confusion. An answer, yes or no.

 

Im also worried that i will just push her over the edge and she decides to play along, manipulate me to go overseas then dump me.

 

I dont want to be a chump. I know my parents dont want the kids to leave the country. Especially if me and my wife are divorced.

 

 

I dont want to hurt my parents because its their money I am building my future with.

 

At the same time, I dont want to end up pushing my wife away for good but I need an answer of yes or no if she will work with me on our marriage. Only with a definite answer can I decide on the next step.

 

I have a 1, 3 and 5 year plan for if I am overseas with her and if I am here in my home country with joint custody over the kids. But nothing can be done now because it all rides on my wife's decision...

 

What do I do? I am at my wits end. Please. I need advice. Deep down inside, I feel my depression getting worse. Its affecting my focus and I feel suicidal again... I wont take the cowards' way out but the feeling is eating me.

 

My wife wont talk to me unless its about the children's needs. Other times, she will ignore me completely...

 

I know this is a lot to digest. Very long story but if you have read it all, what do you think? I know I am a loser and a lying sack of crap. I am a failure of a husband, a disappointment, a fool and everything that comes with it. I admit it all. But I really have changed. My wife gets annoyed when she notices these changes. Angry even. But I am changing for her, for our marriage, for our kids, for our future and for myself. And I will make it stick! Too much is at risk for me to fall back into being a loser. Its that one defining second chance moment that some people get. I will not be a loser anymore. I refuse to be one!

I just want my wife to support me again. To love me again. Let me earn her love again.

 

I just dont know if her love for me is gone forever...

 

 

Please... Help me. I really need advice.

[karnak]

Sorry, mate.

 

But, as soon as a woman loses the attraction for a man, she very rarely recovers it. The most probable thing is that she'll invest emotionally in another man.

[Joseph H]

Thing is I spoke to her about this. I asked her if she will look for another or let another into her heart. She said she wont. Assured me of it and said she will try to let me in...I was told to just give her time. She will try to stop hating me first then maybe we can work things out.

 

I am constantly worrying about a 3rd party stepping in when she is emotionally vunerable but I am trying to not think about it.

 

I have been burned before. 3 times in my life counting this one. Twice by her. But I am at fault too. So I know what I need to do for myself. Get back my self confidence by losing weight, doing things and focusing on family.

 

Its really hard cause I am living in the same house as her. I will only move out next month. And already I am fearing what if that 5 weeks for her is not enough? Can I, should I give her more time??

 

Right now, I am blindly holding on to the hope that she will love me once more...by giving her time.

 

 

I need advice on how I can indirectly without her knowing, help her to slowly accept me back. At the least, to open up to me and stop feeling negative towards me.

 

If I can achieve that, I stand a chance. I just dont know how.

[Yasuandio]

The worst time to set up housekeeping and business in a country your family may have less "control" or "pull" in in the situation you are describing here. It is the largest possible risk you can take.

 

If there is doubt about the marriage, get the divorce in your country or origin where your parents are. Like the other poster said, she probably has her mind made up. And your neediness and clinginess has made things go South.

 

Like you say, you guys need a fresh start. This "neutral" position she is attempting to achieve is just buying time Yo get to the country she wishes to be in with the children, so she will have residence there when she files for divorce. The writings on the wall. That is why nothing she says or does makes any sense. Everytime you pose a logical question, she has to think on her feet.

 

Put the business on hold, or in your father's name, let him take over due to your marital issues. VERY IMPORTANT: Give this enterprize up if it was just HER desire to be in that location. You cannot buy her love. Im telling you, once she and those kids are residents of that area, she will put you out.

 

Franchises can be located elsewhere. Document funding has come from parents. Keep business matters and accounts in your Dad's name.

 

Get two jobs. Work as hard as you can, and have your parents hire an attorney. Tell her, if she really loves you, s

The two of you may start a new life from the beginning, with dating. Hopefully a divorce now can cause her to keep the children near you in some form or fashion by Order of the Court, that is the primary goal for you and the Grandparents right now.

 

AFTER you have a franchise where you want one, if dating is successful, you can always re-marry.

 

But it is time to take control. You cannot constantly be wondering if she's going to leave you for someone else. And needing "time way to think" most likely means a third person, or she has checked out. The reason she is acting this way is because SHE CAN, and you've tolerated it. She has no respect for you.

 

Read the 180's. Stop all the pleading and talking. Check pinned Thread or my signature line. If you are going to pull this off, you will have to really bamboozle her. Don't worry, she will respect you for it later. If not, you have nothing to lose. Hope this helps. Yas

 

Go to the doctor and get checked out. You may need something to get this.

[Joseph H]

Been reading the Way of he Superior Man...

 

And also, looking at your feedbacks... It is time.

 

I cant live like this anymore. This is not living.

 

I am 34yrs old. I guess in time, I will find another partner.

 

So I will talk to my wife one last time. If she refuses to acknowledge the problem and deal with it together as a couple, therapy and what not, then I have to end it.

 

I have set myself so many new goals. Its only been a couple of weeks since this whole thing started but I have changed a lot. If she fears I will be complacent again, I will be there to walk her through it. Show her there is nothing to fear.

 

But I cannot stand this situation any longer. She has been more secretive. No longer telling me where she is going, she just goes. She changed her passwords on everything. Something to hide perhaps.

 

So sick of this crap. Feeling so frustrated and angry. I will hold back and hide my anger when I talk to her after this. But I can anticipate where it will end up.

[Joseph H]

Looks like pushing her into a conversation cleared things up a little more.

 

Wife is telling me she is hoping time will heal her and we will get back together. But she is doing this for the sake of the kids so they can grow up with parents thst love each other mutually.

 

I dont know if its right...but I feel forcing her for an answer and not at least trying is a form of giving up.

 

Is that weakness?

 

I want my kids to grow up in a complete loving family. They mean more to me than anything. I feel if I push her, we divorce, it would mean I am giving up on my kids chances to have parents that are in love, raising them.

 

I really cant tell if she is using the kids as a bloody excuse. Because we agreed tonight, lets divorce. The End. But then the conversation led to hope for getting back a happy marriage for the kids.

 

Now I feel selfish if I continue with the divorce....

 

 

On a side note, she admits she is flirting with other men but nothing further. She wants the attention. She is basically a wild horse that cant be tamed. Its either I ride her all the way or not. Thing is, I myself like to flirt too. Just that I stopped because I lost self confidence. So I understand that much from her.

 

Flirting and getting response...that feeling is empowering to a person.

 

She told me that she gets bored. She is not a relationship person. She only just realise it after looking back at her past relationships. I pity her. She is so cold and stubborn that she doesnt see that people change over time.

 

I know this seems like weakness. I feel it is like that right now. But I also feel selfish if I dont try for my kids. I feel selfish if I put my kids into a life of a broken family...

 

God, it would be so much faster and simpler tonight if we didnt have kids.

[Joseph H]

Been giving this a lot more thought since my last post.

 

Me, pushing her to work things out, its more for me, myself and I.

 

Same goes for her. She doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore because she wants her freedom to do what she wants. She doesnt want to ever re-marry if we divorce and she would rather enjoy herself and move around in relationships. Never feeling controlled or trapped anymore and forever finding new sparks when the old one dies.

 

Reason why I want to work things out with her is still mostly because I still love her a lot.

 

She only hopes things will change for her and she will want to work things out after given time....for the sake of the kids.

 

Does that mean even if we get back together, she doesnt really love me?

 

To her, she wants to do this for the kids...trying to love me again. Somehow it doesnt feel right. Its like she is forced to love me again because of the kids. But she said she wont force herself. She just wants to let time take its course and see if the spark will come back.

 

 

But if she does open up again to try and love me, I believe I can make it easy for her. Apart of me wants that now. To start showing her I love her and the spark can easily be kept alive.

 

 

Can anyone tell me if this is just a phase? She is completely shut out from all emotions right now. Believing in her own strength to move on and live her life. No longer wanting a partner but rather just fling after fling to satisfy any of her needs.

 

 

I am hoping that in time she will realise her mistake and get over this and start rebuilding our lives because I can hardly wait to do that. I want to travel with her. Go do crazy things. Turn our spark into a raging inferno.

 

Is it wrong of me to leave things to time and fate and just hope for the best?

 

I know as a man I should take action and act right now. But there is always that question..."What if?"

[Joseph H]

She told me yes, she is flirting with other men on Whatsapp. She assures me its not sexual. It empowers her. Makes her feel sexy and desired. She likes that. I know it too.

 

But it is driving me nuts. She gets secretive. She is Whatapp-ing a lot. Closes it immediately when I am in the around.

 

Maybe she is doing it to spite me because she knows it gets to me. Maybe she is hiding it. But she has already admitted it...why hide?

 

Is it because many years ago before we were married, I checked her phone and found out her emotional cheating?

 

She changed all her passwords recently and it only makes me feel she is hiding something. I want to believe her but i am going crazy.

[Joseph H]

Commited myself to therapy. Wife refused. Only said she will consider it after her exams. But she stated that most marriage counselling fails and its a waste of time.

 

I feel the need to help myself now. To prepare for the worst case scenario and preferred scenarios.

 

I feel I am finally able to accept the 'long wait' she wanted. I guess it is really true, if she is lost, she is lost. Women just dont change their minds so easily.

 

Will have to focus on improving myself first.

 

I am hopeful but I still keep telling myself to be ready for the impact that may come.

 

Dont know how many of you guys are going through this but I will keep my promise to her, to be a better man. Pro-active, patient, out going...

 

At least it will improve me as a person overall.

 

Staying positive is hard. Some try, then end up finding out the ugly truth of third parties, some may work out...

 

Day in day out, its suppose to get a little easier to bear each day, but the fear, insecurity and pain also grows as well. So I just have to focus on getting stronger...

[road]

MC fails when the WW refuses NC with the OM.

[danny12]

Okay a few things to note here.

 

 

1. she has not left you.....something is telling her not to leave...tht something? she most likely stil does love you and it is covered up by all that hate.

 

 

It is good you gave the initiative to change...from what I head..marriages are hard. You cannot back out and keep getting bck together it defeats the purpose. So ask her to stay and too fight through this with you. push through the hard times....she stil loves you if she is staying with you.

 

 

Keep being driven, keep doing your thing. Do not be upset by this but what may happen is she will leav..go to a familys house and tsya there for some time....let you change..make sure its perminant...once she sees you have turned into the successful man....all the love wil come out again.....notice how I didn't say she will be in love again...its because she still does love you..keep doing what your doing....and hey relax..if she does realize its not meant to be..which is highly unlikely...you guys built a strong bond....but if she does leave..u will have a business going and be successful and making money etc...

[worldgonewrong]

Joseph H-

First of all, I admire your openness & your self-realization about many things. You're waking up, you're having growing pains. That's all.

 

Secondly, take the focus OFF of her. YOU have work to do on yourself - you gotta continue it. And it has jack to do with her. Put aside the ego, the insecurity, the fear of if she's seeing someone. You know what? If she is, there ain't a blessed thing you can do.

BUT hear this: you have to continue growing regardless, and you have to step up as a man & a father.

Face your biggest fear, which is: you may have burnt the bridge with your wife. You may have spent too long sleepwalking through life thus far.

Face your possibilities: you can keep growing and awakening. This is not contingent on her. Face yourself squarely, always, and you might be worth a damn to someone else down the line.

Sending you good thoughts.

[Joseph H]

Thank you. I will remember that everyday.

 

I guess I really am quite sackless when it comes to emotional stuff and my wife.

 

I always thought being faithful and love her everyday was enough.

 

I know now what I have to do. Its taking that first step and keep going is what scares me.

 

Since yesterday, I truly feel better. I prayed really hard for strength and The Lord answered.

 

I will continue to work on myself, my future, my business, my kids and my marriage. And cast away the negativities.

[health]

Joesph - You sound like you need to get your things together.

If yo already are, then I'm sorry and continue.

- You cheated on her

- You never fully healed froma previous relationship

- You bought your University Degrees? Are you Serious? That's like

pretending to be highly educated when the last thing

you completed was high school -if that!

 

There are alot of lies, and quick fixes all over this.

Even you coming from a wealthy family.

 

It's all borrowing strength from outside soruces, you need to build yourself up

from the inside out. If your wife resented you for

not making good money - then forget her - she doesnt accept you

AND your trying!

 

Oh, I read you're "Wife" is flirting online with other Men?

I would leave her and build a new life.

 

This is your chance, It's your wake up call!

[Joseph H]

But wouldnt that be giving up?

 

We both have lied. But I have seen her maternal side. She can be quite devoted but I do not believe she can do it alone as a working single mom.

 

I was ready to move on despite the pain. So I dont really know if she was playing me but saying that she hoped to work things out for the sake of the kids sounds like maybe it culd be worth trying?

 

I know in a long term, it may not work out and it could just happen again but from what my therapist said, I should take advantage of the current situation where my kids are the anchor of this relationship.

 

If she does decide to give it another try, it will be up to the both of us to try and make it work.

 

I know I am emotionally weak. I dont deny that. I want to have a life with her and the kids. I keep telling myself abt what she said abt having hope it could work out for the kids... It could be our last chance. I am confused. I mean, is it wrong to be hopeful in this situation?

 

I am focusing really hard to build up my business right now so I can be financially dependable.

 

She seems to have cut down on the constant Whatsapp-ing. Maybe she is slowly cutting down on the flirting. I dont know. Wishful thinking. I always believe the glass is half full. But its very hard to stay emotionally stable.

 

I was telling her about her sexual prime thing. She was sarcastic and bitchy, probably because she is still resentful towards me...

 

 

But I think it got through to her. Logically, it makes sense. She has all the symptoms.

 

I ended the conversation by asking her to think it through and not let her current emotional and hormonally imbalance state to destroy this marriage without trying. I pray that God will give her the strength to not stray from the marriage emotionally and physically, and the courage to beat her fears of repetition if she gave me another chance.

 

 

What I really want to know is how can I truly let her know I have changed or make her realise it? She said that seeing some changes in me was drastic and uncomfortable for her? Is this good or bad???

 

I also would like to know aside from focusing on other things, is there anything else I can do to get through this 'waiting period'?

[Joseph H]

Just one more thing...

 

I read abOut women going into their sexual prime around late twenties and early thirties.

 

Signs:

- She rebuilds self esteem by beautifying herself

- She likes attention from men because it makes her feel alive. This is probably due to her testosterone hormones coming back.

- If there is no spark with the husband when this happens, she will turn to other men.

 

She breastfed for 1yr+. Before her body could return to normal, she was pregnant again and another 1yr+ of breastfeeding.

 

After almost 4yrs, she is probably feeling that hormonal drive in her and its clouding her judgment.

 

Many say its a myth, some say its true. Does anyone know?

 

I told her about it, she is skeptical and brushed it off. Sarcastic and bitchy as hell. But maybe it got to her. I noticed some minor changes in her current behaviour after I mentioned it. I only pray it is not temporary.

[Steadfast]

I pray that God will give her the strength to not stray from the marriage emotionally and physically, and the courage to beat her fears of repetition if she gave me another chance.

 

God isn't going to "give" her anything she doesn't want, and neither are you. She isn't troubled, she's excited. You're afraid and acting like it.

 

You've made tons of mistakes but since she's blown up the bridge, you've been frantically trying to repair it. Naturally, you felt the guilt (or pull) of your actions before and that's why you are reacting the way you are now. She sees this and realizes what was successful for her to instigate the changes in you. She probably isn't interested in going backwards. As for you? Two weeks and you're frustrated she isn't responding? Good grief.

 

My advice is to leave her alone. I know you feel that is 'giving up' but give her what she's asking for. Believe it or not, it's a little test and so far you're failing. If she isn't cheating (most likely is...) she wants too. There's nothing you can do to stop it, but you can make things worse. Right now no one is making her do anything she doesn't want to do, but in her eyes you're begging to be in a position to do just that. And you wonder why?

 

Go ahead and tell her (one last time) that you love her, you're sorry, and that you don't want to split. Then LEAVE IT ALONE. She isn't stupid. She won't forget. In fact, she'll never forget. Be unforgettable by being strong. No talking about the relationship. Let it go and let her go. In time; days, weeks or months, you'll see a change in her. Make yourself part of the solution, not part of the problem. Learn from this and move on.

 

Someday, you might have another chance with her, but it takes two.

[Joseph H]

I am doing thst right now. Leaving her alone. Trying hard to find my strength to stand up and move on.

 

I have only ever lasted 2 days.

 

And its now day 2...already the bad dreams have started. Insecurity.

 

I feel I am losing grip on my sanity...

 

I get more and more paranoid as time passes.

 

Cant help noticing her Whatsapp-ing till 2am. Her closest friends are all married with kids... 2am. Who could it be??

 

These are the things that are killing me. I really hate being paranoid. Weak.

 

Praying harder and harder each day.

 

Maybe being apart is a good thing. I actually feel that by not being around her, I would be able to let go of these feelings easier...

 

Paranoia is pushing me into depression again.

 

My depression has reached to a suicidal level before when all this started. The crave for release...

 

I told myself to stay strong and move past it. I did. But it keeps clawing at me. Only the thought of my kids and family is holding me down right now. I need to focus.

 

I am terribly sorry, everyone. Writing this down helps me actually. I know some of you are wondering why I am so weak. I dont blame u. I cant even stand the thought myself right now.

 

I hope to get through this and maybe some day, help someone that fell into my level of depression, get back out.

[Steadfast]

These are the things that are killing me. I really hate being paranoid. Weak.

 

We often sacrifice our individuality to become the kind of spouse we believe we need to be. This leads to us defining ourselves only in the context of the marriage. When the marriage ends, we lose our identity and feel hopeless and alone. The response is predictable; the need is overwhelming and we hyperfocus on making the leaving partner realize the same. But they often do not. This is not weakness, it's mistaken priority. It may not seem like it, but your need to salvage the relationship is an illusion. You certainly existed before you married her, and did enough right things to attract her into your life. You can do this again, but you must reclaim yourself. The reality? You needed to do this regardless. Married or not. Happy or not. We must not lose ourselves or base the foundation of our happiness on another person. That responsibility is ours.

 

I hope to get through this and maybe some day, help someone that fell into my level of depression, get back out.

 

NOW you're talking! Love will lead you to strength and provide motivation to see your mistakes and correct them. You are not alone. The person writing this message to you suffered through the same turmoil. Made the same mistakes. Endured the same pain. You will make it through if your desire is strong enough. In this way, your issues are positives... even if they don't feel that way now. But they are. Learning is often painful.

 

Lean on trusted friends or relatives. Resist the temptation to dull the pain with meds and know the pain is there for a reason. Treat yourself with love and kindness now, dedication and perseverance when you're stronger.

 

Keep posting. Keep writing. One day at a time. One hour. One minute. Start the climb up. There is a path, others have taken it. Follow it out.

[hurts1968]

I am doing thst right now. Leaving her alone. Trying hard to find my strength to stand up and move on.

 

I have only ever lasted 2 days.

 

And its now day 2...already the bad dreams have started. Insecurity.

 

I feel I am losing grip on my sanity...

 

I get more and more paranoid as time passes.

 

Cant help noticing her Whatsapp-ing till 2am. Her closest friends are all married with kids... 2am. Who could it be??

 

These are the things that are killing me. I really hate being paranoid. Weak.

 

Praying harder and harder each day.

 

Maybe being apart is a good thing. I actually feel that by not being around her, I would be able to let go of these feelings easier...

 

Paranoia is pushing me into depression again.

 

My depression has reached to a suicidal level before when all this started. The crave for release...

 

I told myself to stay strong and move past it. I did. But it keeps clawing at me. Only the thought of my kids and family is holding me down right now. I need to focus.

 

I am terribly sorry, everyone. Writing this down helps me actually. I know some of you are wondering why I am so weak. I dont blame u. I cant even stand the thought myself right now.

 

I hope to get through this and maybe some day, help someone that fell into my level of depression, get back out.

 

 

Joseph H, YOU ARE NOT WEAK, you are going through an horrendous time in your life, you are grieving for what you had...I know, I'm there with you right now!!

 

I have suffered from Depression for 20 years, was evening having counselling when my STBXW told me things were over and she was leaving with my 3YO daughter....I'm slowly getting through mate, slowly...with the help of friends and family and YOU will too!

 

You have to be as strong as possible for your kids, they are the most important thing in your life now! They will get you through, them, your friends, your family and the support you get on here...it's certainly helped me!

 

Take care mate, there is light on the other side!

[Joseph H]

Thank you.

 

I actually had a chat with my wife 5mins ago. Almost 4hrs of talk.

 

It was the communication I felt was needed.

 

In all honesty, after I got through my suicidal feelings...and stopped myself from actually going through with it...I felt...changed.

 

What I was expecting from tonight's talk:

- That it is over. We will work out the mutual divorce agreement. I had already consulted lawyers on this matter. I was prepared. I was caught off guard from the sudden shock back then, but I am prepared now.

 

- Why it triggered tonight was because I asked her not to call her mom in. Let me spend more time doing things for the kids. Pick and send them to daycare. Feed them both. Bathe them. Put them to bed. Play with them. It is one of my goals to be a better father without the temper. Also, it gives her more time to study.

 

She took it away by accelerating her mother's arrival to next Monday... When we already agreed it'd be end of April.

 

- Losing one of my emotional anchors sooner than expected was enough. This woman has no intentions to work things out with me. She is just buying time. Toying withnky emotions.

 

 

 

Her keypoints that I noted:

 

- She now understands I wont wait anymore and play her silent treatment game because I dont want to be pushed around anymore.

 

- I have improved myself and met ALL the requirements in her checklist. But she said she still feels nothing.

 

- Said she cant remember when she actually felt like wanting to have sex with me or even love me. Its gone back for years. Ouch. She just stuck by the relationship.

 

- She still wants time. At least now she gave me a deadline. June. After her first exam paper... She will let me know what she decides. Whether she will agree to counselling or agree to divorce.

 

- She continued to reassure me there is no third party and she has stopped flirting a long while now... And that she only flirts when its a face to face thing and not on Whatsapp.

 

 

I dont know if its the more confident me or is it anger or just plain 'I dont care' anymore...

 

 

All i heard was more bs and time buying.

 

I have done all I can and despite the improvements, she still feels no spark. So yeah, all i heard was bs bs bs.

 

Despite all the hardships right now, I would not for a moment stop working on this.

 

So I agreed... June, an answer must be on the table.

 

I will be moving out sooner than expected. More time for myself I guess.

 

Apart of me have moved on. Ready to be single again. I already planned out what I want to do for the divorce. But I never lost hope. Maybe like you said, hurt1968, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe she wont become my STBXW.

 

Blind hope. Gotta just take it on faith.

 

But I wont let hope turn into despair since The strength for both is dependant on each other. The more hopeful I am, the more despair I will feel if it doesnt work out.

 

 

So the official waiting games have begun. At least now I have a deadline. I feel I can move on easier....

[Steadfast]

I see you have not responded to my posts. That's ok -really-. I do want you to know I will refrain from commenting on your situation if you wish.

 

I was never suicidal...not in the traditional sense. I believe I tried smoking myself to a slow death and suffered from the effects of sleep deprivation. That, and a complete loss of appetite saw me drop 40-lb in a matter of weeks. It frightened my friends and family. I liked being thinner and began working out, seeing the loss as a benefit. My ex thought I was repulsive.

 

This is my way of saying I understand the dark place you're in. Lots of us do. I also recall joining here, telling my story and hating what I read. What I wanted was answers and solutions; a way to revive my ex's lost feelings. In place of that, I wanted encouragement for my plan; some reinforcement that my instincts to save the marriage were valid. What I received was far too difficult to read so I rejected it and didn't return to LS for over a year.

 

The facts I discovered as odds towards the truth include realizing that when a woman says she's done, 99.9% of the time she's done for good. Give those same odds to her feelings of love returning. Women and men alike generally want to hang onto a partner they love, need or require, even if the motivation for staying is less than ideal. Being cut loose by a woman is a sure fire way of knowing exactly where you're at. Read between the lines, she's giving you want she wants; freedom. Get it?.

 

She'll be more than happy to keep calling the shots for both of you if you insist on giving her that power. No one enjoys burning the bridge to the point where they can't cross over if they need something from you. So, while I understand the plan and understand the waiting and understand the hoping...I hope you understand nothing will change until you take control and change it. When going through hell it's best to keep going, not rent space to see just how hot and miserable it gets. This is self love.

 

We all have a destiny. Here's hoping the light comes on for you soon.

[Joseph H]

Thank you Stead. I know what I must do now.

 

Ever since I got together with her, I entered a blissful stage in lifr where I thought nothing will go wrong. Im married.

 

So I forsaked myself. Didnt control my eating, didnt bother abt my looks....

 

Thinking back, I hated myself. Lost self confidence and pride. I could go out and feel proud that men look at my wife. They wanna talk to her, touch her, etc. But I couldnt give her that. My parents complained I was fat. Everyday.

 

I gained 10kg since I got married. For someone thats 5ft 7in and weighing 87kg...that is bad.

 

Now, I am 82.8kg. Slowly but steadily, I am losing weight. I havent had meat, rice, fried stuff, etc for over 2 weeks. Only salad and fish.

 

I do light work outs...will start hardcore cardio next week.

 

 

 

One odd thing is, during our first year of marriage, I was still very defensive with her. I couldnt let go of the fact she cheated on me. Every little argument, I threatened with divorce. I remember now, she told me back then, we are married, she will not resort to divorce.

 

Maybe even now she is like that. Only difference is, she says its because of the kids.

 

 

Last night's talk, I had one foot out the door. Ready to leave. I planned everything for the worst case scenario. We talked about our divorce...

 

Then she said, concluding the talk; "I really wish you could just give me time. I need to figure out what is wrong. I dont know why that now, you have changed and met all the requirements to make me happy, I just dont feel anything for you. Give me until June. After my first paper. I will give you an answer by then or earlier."

 

 

Still keeping one foot out the door, I agreed. Because after her cheating incident, I remember we promised each other to always talk things out no matter how bad it gets. I want to keep my promise to her. Its giving me hope, I know. Which could turn against me... Thing is, I am a drastic changer... My feelings for her have faded so much in a matter of days. From a needy clingy pathetic man, I was ready to walk out.

 

This. Is. Frustrating.

 

I am going to Australia for the weekend in mid May to meet my business partners and maybe some friends. I really hope she decides to give us a second chance. This would give me a direction for our married life.

 

For too long has she been keeping this marriage alive. By sticking by me no matter how much it made her feel uncomfortable. I want to take back some control. Not all. Some. Share the burden, the good and the bad with her. As husband and wife.

 

Still hopeful. Still fearful. But I am ready for both...

[Joseph H]

Wow, not sure if it was the last conversation where the tables seemingly turned on her with me being the one wanting to walk out as well...

 

But she has become increasingly distant and cold. Not sure if its her mind games or something is eating her but she is keeping maximum distance from me. Even almost zero conversation. When we NEED to say anything because its children related, its only short answers and she turns away.

 

If it really is mind games, then its working. Its annoying me a little but I guess I can just treat it as though I have moved out and not talk about it.

 

I plan to give myself a couple more weeks then I am going to start looking for new friends. Lady friends. No, not for rebound or casual sex. I am still married and I still love her and want this to work.

 

I just thought it could help take my mind off her. I have no 'other' intentions except to just make new friends and occupy my time.

 

I dont want to think about her, or this marriage or whatever mind games she is playing, if she is playing it at all.

 

So sick of this bs.

 

 

Sick of not being able to focus properly and move towards my goal. My stance is fair. I will stand firmly for our marriage and I am and will work things out with her provided she wants to.

 

Not going to fight this battle alone without her anymore. And I am sincerely upset about her, "You now meet all the requirements and you are a better person but I dont know why I dont feel anything for you..."

 

I dont understand how can an intelligent woman like her sometimes be so.... Well, stupid!

 

I mean its not like we are meeting for the first time and sparks flew and chemistry happens. We are married. Been together for almost 9 yrs. She has seen all my good and bad. We need to start fresh. There are no sparks. We have to rub two stones together to create them again.

 

Does she really expect that me, meeting her requirements and she will fall in love with me again?

 

I am willing and ready to win her love again. From the bottom up but she is holding me back by continuing to shut me out, being cold and telling herself all these negative useless things instead of constructive ideas to save our marriage.

 

Really getting extremely frustrated thinking about it. I really just want to shut it all out. But I refuse to be the one to walk out first. I refuse to quit on my wife, my lover of 9 yrs.

 

Its like I am trying to hold on...and so is she... But she is trying to kick me off!

 

Gyaaaaaaaaa

[Steadfast]

...I refuse to be the one to walk out first. I refuse to quit on my wife, my lover of 9 yrs...

 

Typical hand wringing. You fear -rightly- that if you file and move on you'll somehow get 'blamed' later. My ex did it all, cheat, lie, moved out to have more freedom with other men, yet because I filed and accepted her statement that she wasn't in love, history shows (according to her) that I ended it. Two years ago she told our kids that she'd 'moved on' and wasn't in pain any longer. Are you getting this? It's the cheater's dance. Your wife is gone, but that does not mean she doesn't want you to take the fall for the relationship failing. That's exactly what she wants. Even if it's a lie.

 

So be it. Don't expect justice from the wicked.

 

You cannot change denial. You cannot understand a cheater's twisted logic. It will never change. Do not be a part of it, find a way out of it. The truth is always true, but that doesn't mean everyone will believe it. They'll believe what they want.

 

Start thinking of you as you; not 'us'. Work on that mindset.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Steadfast