Husband is changing

[JosieJ]

I am in a situation where my partner is stating that I am totally to blame. Yes, I wanted to get that out first and foremost due to how much he has convinced me. I am a SAHM. My husband is making close to 100,000 a year. He has all the money. I cannot get any money unless I ask and can prove why I need it. Just last week when I got some groceries I bought some ham salad that turned out to be 6.00, he got so mad at me and said I cannot ever buy that again for that price. When I shop I have to bring him every receipt. I went into panic mode around Christmas when I lost a receipt after shopping. I literally sat in my car with children in the back seat crying so hard. I never did find the receipt. I sold my business 2 years ago and since then have not worked. I paid for many things with the profit of the business, now I have nothing left from it. My husband is doing some things that are so different from his usual routines that I am lost. At this very moment he is at work and I am sitting here, in my home, after a very bad argument that happened last night. He has taken any available money that was sitting in the house. He likes being in control. Just a brief history. We have been married for over 20 years. Have children together. My husband recently has received some texts that were from someone wondering why he didn't focus his attention on them at work during that day. I heard the phone receive the text so I looked and that is how I found it. Confronted him and he said he had no ideal who texted him. The text was from someone anonymous. He had changed from a cell phone that was in my name to a cell phone in his name about a month before this text came in. I asked if he would go back to the cell phone in my name and he did. I felt like I could see who he was interacting with so if this was someone he didn't know then no big deal. Well, last night when the big argument happened he got another text. This text said "Chocolate or Vanilla". It was from a co-worker, a man. Of course, I got very upset about this and he said it was an inside joke at his work. I still got mad. I did ask if there is something to him and this man, he stated no. I texted the man and asked if there was something going on and he even said no. This other man is married also with children. I am thinking about going to some of my husbands friends to see if there is any possible way this other man is seeing my husband. There is a very good friend that he has that I can trust and know he will be honest with me. Just not sure if that is a good ideal though. My husband has been changing so much within the last six months. He is mostly bald, started to take supplements to grow hair. Has been buying all kinds of clothes and use to only shave about twice a week now its about every night. I don't know if he is having an affair. If he is I don't know if it is a man or woman. This is what is just not right, either way. I deserve to know for the respect of me and my children. He is now stating he is going back to his own phone. I just don't get how you can hurt someone and just not go file for divorce. Why put me in the dark if there is someone else, just leave me. These guessing games are tearing me apart. He has not lost interest in me when it comes to the bedroom. He actually seems he cannot get enough of me. Help please! Someone please tell me what you think and please what you would do. My self-esteem is just gone. I have never been this low and feel I have to have his approval to be normal.

[lolita jade]

I was married 20 years before separating.

 

Trust your gut instincts. If he has changed so much over 6 months chances are he is up to no good. Yes men want that fast car or motorbike etc when in mid life crisis but shaving more and new clothes and acting completely different across six months??? Are you sure it was a man who text???

 

Wanting sex more and doing different things in the bedroom is actually a sign of an affair, even though you would think they would want you less. It's all to do with the excitement.

 

Read about doing a 180 in the article pinned at the start of this forum. It will seem completely alien but you need reverse psychology here. Contacting people out of desperation will make you paranoid and make you feel ill, especially if you get nowhere, you will look like the crazed wife.

 

Confide in a friend. My only suggestion apart from doing 180 is to see if you can get someone he doesn't know to semi check what he is doing. Do you know any of his passwords?

 

He doesn't file for divorce because he wants his cake and to eat it.

[stillafool]

I would be more concerned about him not giving me any money. If you have been married for 20 years aren't your kids grown by now or are they still very young? Unless they are babies you should get a job. This will raise your self esteem and fill your pockets. Make it clear to your husband that the money you earn is yours. I doubt very much your husband is having sex with another man but I wouldn't rule out other women. To be honest as poorly as he treats you I wouldn't care what or who he is doing but that's me and he's your husband. You can't control him but you really do need to get a job for your own well being. If he continues to treat you badly after you have shown some independence you will have money to leave him.

[Yasuandio]

Sounds like you got a problem. Plus, you are showing your cards. In a case like this, you have to keep the "suggestive evidence" to yourself like a detective that has a badge.

 

You are not going to go innyo an undercover drug deal and intoduce yourself as an undercover detective and show the drug dealers your badge are you? They won't do any business in front of your or even in your precinct area if the know there are undercover dogs out there!

 

So you first mistake was to get al psycho when you saw "chocolate or vanilla" on his cellphone. Then you even call the other guy and alert him. Gay married guys are already hiding - you just effectively pushed them into hiding more carefully.

 

And getting him back on your plan - so what? He can afford two other plans, one for other boyfriend.

 

First let's talk about "chocolate or vanilla." that can mean a couple things in gay world (especially whether there is an "and" or an "or" between the words).

 

1. The most obvious simplistic interpretation would be anal (chocolate) or oral (vanilla) sex.

 

2. The chocolate/vanilla can also speak to the race of the sex partner on is seeking for the evening, in the case of the phasing presented in your husband's text (assuming the guy's were going out cruz'in for one night partners.

 

3. There is a type of anal sex where after partner evacuates bowels at same time rear partner ejaculates (chocolate and vanilla).

 

Probably many other interpretations. One thing is for sure and certain, your husband should not receive anything about chocolate or vanilla on a text from a man unless he is in the ice cream vending business. So I suggest you avoid having sex with him.

 

Now, here is the proper way to find out how long he has been talking to this particular man. Call your carrier on your service and order ALL the records since you've owned his phone. Ask them if they can print off all the text data that has been transmitted on his phone. If it's a woman you're talking to, try to warm up to her, and she may find a way to push it thru for free. 6 years worth cost me about $250. Worth every penny. Do not give up. They have all the text data stored. Don't order the data for your phone unless you have to. And don't mix up the papers. Get them binder immediately.

 

Find out about GPS system. Then you can put it on his car - and you'll soon know where the hook-up places are.

 

Give him a heartfelt apololy for "making an ass out of yourself" by being so suspition and contacting his colleage (get a huge obnoxious valentine). This "might" throw him off. Continue being little Suzie homemaker. Your embarrassment for being a "bad wife" can be the reason you are not ready to have sex. You get me? Now get busy.

 

Hon, I hope he is not man effing. But if he is, you know that you cannot live with, and you cannot change this disposition. Yas

[lolita jade]

It is also mental cruelty, to withold all money, like you are his prisoner, seek advice from a solicitor (you can get a free hour)

 

Stay calm and act uninterested in him as in the 180, not as a victim. You can do this

[lolita jade]

I am open minded and thought I knew alot at my age but no 3. Chocolate and Vanilla?? A new one on me.....Lets hope its not that one...........

[Yasuandio]

I am open minded and thought I knew alot at my age but no 3. Chocolate and Vanilla?? A new one on me.....Lets hope its not that one...........

 

I just looked it up in gay urban dictionary -- it's actually called chocolate and vanilla pudding. Dang, why do I have to be such a fountain of yucky information? Gross, man. Sorry I listed that one, Hon. I should have done my research first. Yas

Edited February 13, 2014 by Yasuandio

[lolita jade]

Not my idea of pudding but glad I now know what it is.

 

You should maybe take yourself to the clinic and get yourself checked out Josie.

 

Not such good news on here for you but we are all on your side and here to help you. You definitely need to talk to a friend too.

[cozycottagelg]

I am way more concerned at how controlling he is. That would be a bigger deal breaker than him cheating (for me)...

[JosieJ]

I just looked it up in gay urban dictionary -- it's actually called chocolate and vanilla pudding. Dang, why do I have to be such a fountain of yucky information? Gross, man. Sorry I listed that one, Hon. I should have done my research first. Yas

 

 

 

I just felt this was some kind of weird request on the other guys part. I am very gullible. I always want to believe what someone is telling me and I tried to believe him but this is just very offensive to have someone speak to him like this. I almost think it would be easier to handle if a woman was saying this to him instead of another man.

[JosieJ]

I am way more concerned at how controlling he is. That would be a bigger deal breaker than him cheating (for me)...

 

 

 

I cannot figure out why when he does these things to me I crave his approval even more. It seems that I do feel responsible for the bad things he does and I need to be better. His favorite thing to tell me is that I am crazy. If he does something like with these texts and I respond then I am crazy.

[lolita jade]

I totally understand and very much doubt if it is that 3rd description. Try and find out if it definitely is a man. I think you may need to also seek advice from your doctor, regarding a referral for counselling.

 

Men tell you things like you are crazy when they are guilty. Things like when would I get the time, your like a broken record, it's all in your mind, etc.

 

You need to I think at this stage consul a friend and seek advice from your GP.

 

Try and find background homework, as in what Yas explained.

 

'Pretend' to throw his scent off the fact that you openly text his friend and carry out the 180. Don't have sex with him!!

 

You also need help regarding a solicitor on him treating you the way he is.

 

You need all the help you can get. Even family members.

 

It could be a prank but given that he has changed so much and acting so badly towards you, it seems unlikely. But it could be a woman, not a man..........Until proven otherwise. Remain open minded though.

 

Good Luck Josie

Edited February 13, 2014 by lolita jade

[JosieJ]

I checked the cell phone record and it looks like the two have several calls between each other trying to talk since I seen the text. I asked my husband if he has talked to him since I seen that text and my husband lied stating he has not talked to him, but one call shows that they talked around 4 minutes. Now not sure why he would say he has not talked to him when he has on the phone. How do I come to terms with this. Things are going thru my head with other things my husband has said to me that now may be adding up with this other man.

[lolita jade]

Does it give times? are there any odd times 3am? or whilst you would be taking a shower or just before he has gone out etc? He would deny it, because either he knows you would think the worst because of before, even if it is innocent.

 

Try and make some kind of notes to what you remember. To see if he is up to no good.

 

The other thing is maybe, he has a second phone hiidden or something else hidden around the house? receipts for example or if you really are curious, dare I suggest checking his underwear. Horrible but he maybe hiding it from you washing them also.

 

Don't get caught playing private detective on him.

 

If you get definitive proof, seek advice before confronting him and maybe have someone else present. However, you may just want to silently seek a separation and get out of there. go to a friend's or anything and get legal advice quick.

[Yasuandio]

You gotta stop asking questions. He has another phone by now, cause you showed your badge.

 

Code the underwear with a tiny blue ball point pin dot, (on the underside of the band) so u know what's coming, going, and/or missing.

 

Go back farther in the phone records and check for number frequency and time. You can usually do this for one year on-line. Graph it on a calendar (earlier tins at top, later times at bottom of block on calendar day). Highlight times with 3 colors for morning, afternoon, evening. Pretty soon the predictable pattern will emerge like a tile design.

 

(I ordered phone records back six years - and found evidence since we had purchased the plan).

 

You can find out all you want about this person on-line. I like Intellus. I would only go for the $5 name information, and donmy own reseach. If it is a Sprint number - those are a different animal.

 

Get the VA recorder in the car while you still own the car, before there is any separation. It could always just drop out of your purse and fall under the seat. Same with GPS system. You can't rig the ride he drives when you get separated.

 

Better get busy girl. Y