Considering divorce. Really need some .

[Unwrapped]

Hi everyone. I have posted on here a couple of times. I have been kind of vague before but I actually have a minute to sit down and put my thoughts out there. So here goes..

 

Met my now husband in 2010. We started dating in April of that year. Everything is going great. About 6 months later in November of 2010, I found out he had been talking to another girl telling her he loved her and was going to leave me for her. All the while telling me Im the best thing that ever happened to him yada yada. I confront him. He says hes sorry and begs for forgiveness. Then the girl gives me her facebook email and password and lets me see all the messages between the two of them that he deleted. He had still lied about some things. He said it was never physical, but he said they kissed. I confronted him again. Same thing. I decided to stay because I loved him like Ive never loved anyone before.

 

Fast forward to May 2011, I find out Im pregnant. He is super excited. He always talked about kids. Everything is going decent. He proposed in December 2011. We had our son in January 2012. A week or so after I had our son. I found an email account of his I didnt know about. Found tons of emails of him answering craigslist personals for sex. Sending pictures of himself out and getting naked pictures from girls. He was doing it basically the whole time I was pregnant and even 2 days after I had just given birth to our child. But I had this new baby and was a stay at home student. I was an emotional wreck. But I stayed with him.

 

In May of 2012, we start the process of buying a house. He talked to our loan lady a good bit. I didnt think much of it. Until he said he had to go to dinner with her to do paper work and refused to let me and our son go. I mean, hello. Its our house, not just his. I look at phone records a few days later and he was texting her until like 11 at night while I wasnt at home. Saw a message from her that was flirty with a smiley face one morning and I asked him what it was and he said he didnt know and then deleted everything so I couldnt see earlier messages. Another strike.

 

In september of 2012, he goes out of town to work for a month. Only a couple hours away. I find on phone records that he is texting a girl I went to high school with until like 11 at night. He was friends with her before I knew him, but as far as I know I had never really heard about her except that she was dating one of his coworkers who I knew. It was sketchy. Again I was upset. But I didnt put my foot down.

 

A few months later I find out he's texting a mutual friend of ours who is a girl, which is no big deal because I know her. But he hid it and deleted messages so I didnt know until I looked at phone records. He lied by omission. Another strike.

 

In november 2013, I find out he has a snap chat and is friends with two of the girls we had problems with before and was snap chatting them. Well perfect for him after you send those you can never open them again. I just told him I didnt think he should have it. I also found he had a KIK messenger account and he had only 5 friends who were all girls who I had never heard of before. I got upset and told him he had to delete the apps. That was it.

 

Then right before Christmas 2013, we got into a big fight. I told him if we were ever going to make it, he would have to be completely open and honest. He promised he would be.

 

Two weeks later at the beginning of January this year, I look at his facebook messenger and he sent a message to a girl I never heard of saying "You disappeared on me" earlier on the day that I found it. I got so irate. He said he did it because he was bored. Well saying that she disappeared on him implied that he had seen or talked to her before.

 

I was upset the whole next few days. Then he flipped out. Said he couldnt be with someone who didnt care about him. Stormed out of the house. He came back and I told him he had to leave and he was not going to be in the house with me. He left. Texted me an hour later and said he wanted to be home with his family. I didnt respond. I sent a facebook message to the girl he messaged and asked her what was going on and that I needed to know. Well the next day I wake up and my husband is laying in bed next to me.

 

He said he had an epiphany the night before and that he would do anything to keep his family together. I said whatever. But we went through the day as okay as we could have. I was still so upset. That afternoon he shows me a text from the girl he facebook messaged and it was a screenshot of the message I sent her and then she said "Bye Mike". Like it was some big deal. He said he wanted to show me and be honest with me. I didnt believe it so I said call her. He did and of course she didnt answer. But when he called her I looked at the phone number and it was on the list of suspicious phone numbers I keep that I find on his phone records (I know, sounds crazy). So I texted her and asked what the hell was going on. She said that she hadnt talked to him in over two years and that she was actually surprised to get a facebook message from him. She said there was nothing going on and she just wanted to let him know that she didnt want any trouble.

 

Well I knew she was lying right then. He had been texting that number a lot a couple months prior to all this happening. Also, my husband hasnt even had his current phone number for a whole year, so how would she know that number to text it. I knew it was bull s**t from the start. So that night I looked at the phone records and there were about 50-60 messages between the two of them during the hour before he showed me the 2 text messages that she sent him. What kind of BS is that? He lied after he said he had his epiphany or whatever and still tried to hide stuff from me. I was so upset. Told him I wanted to divorce right then. Found out during our argument that he went to a strip club the night I made him leave the house, which I would NEVER approve of. He said that where he had his "epiphany". I had never heard something like that in my life. What a load of bull. Then I went back on saying I wanted to divorce because I am a full time student, I dont have any source of income to support myself and my son. I could live with my mom, but her house is disgusting and I dont want my son living in that.

 

Talked to a divorce lawyer and he said I have to have grounds for divorce, which includes adultery, but I dont have any hard evidence of that because my husband deleted everything. Lawyer said he might be able to subpoena the text records, but I have to go ahead and file before he can do it.

 

The past month has been so much tension. But he acts like he wants to stay together and have a family and blah blah. I dont believe any of it, but I want to so bad. I love him and our family and it kills me that he has put me through this. What hurts the most is that he has never been like, "Im so sorry for everything Ive put you through. I want to be a better man and save our marriage" or something along those lines. He always gets defensive and says "well you're not affectionate" or "you will never trust me no matter what I do" or some bull crap like that.

 

I know. Ive put myself in this position by not putting my foot down in the past. I really had faith that things could change. But Im starting to see that it wont. It hurts so bad because we could have had everything together. He has a good job, once I get out of school I will have a good job. We have the most amazing child together. I made him to go church with me yesterday because I want to start putting the faith of God in our marriage and I would like to go to marriage counseling, which he kind of agreed to. But the sermon at church really spoke to my heart. The pastor was talking about "cleaning house" and getting rid of all of the wolves in sheeps clothing in your life. And he said he didnt care who it was, if he couldnt trust him, then he didnt want them. I know I need to do this for myself. It just hurts so much. I love his family and his sisters are like my own and I love him too. I just dont know how to handle the state Im in right now.

 

I guess what I want to know it, has anyone been in a situation similar to this? What was the outcome?

 

Also can people really change and marriages be saved after so much damage has been done to one person? Or is it just a lost cause Im holding on to?

 

Im just so upset because I made a commitment when I married him. Im just in a really clouded frame of mind. Sorry this was so long and if you made it through I really appreciate it.

[Tripz]

Also can people really change and marriages be saved after so much damage has been done to one person? Or is it just a lost cause Im holding on to?

 

Of course they can, but THEY have to want to change.

 

Two very good testimonies of hope. I watch these from time to time and pray someday, I'll reconnect with my STBXW. Someday.....

 

 

[whichwayisup]

He has not suffered ANY consequences so he isn't going to change. He will tell you sorry, give you big tears, beg you to forgive him, he'll promise not to behave that way anymore....Then, next week or the next day, he's going to go ahead and do as he pleases because he doesn't feel what he's doing is wrong.

 

I say, kick him out. File for divorce, get the paper work ready and see how he reacts, what he does. Does he give in? Does he go to counseling and work on himself? Tell him what YOU expect of him and go from there.

 

I know you love him but his behaviour for a long time has shown you he has boundary problems and needs the attention of other women. This his issue, not yours and he has to fix this IF he is worthy of a chance to work things out with you.

 

You cannot trust him at all right now.

[EverySunset]

you qualify for help as a displaced homemaker if you are in the states - eligible for federal aid to help (bigtime) w school.

 

there are programs to help you get on your feet. Places to live, subsidized groceries or life expenses. Childcare.

 

do not be bullied by a neglectful husband into anything. GET TESTED FOR STDS NOW and never sleep with him again.

 

this is experience talking. He will not stop and the sooner you get away, the better.

 

he left a trail of emails, texting, phone calls... and I'd be willing to bet a gal or two he effed over would probably testify in court that he was deceitful to her, many others too.

 

get help... And GET OUT. You're strong and intelligent. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Minnie09]

First of all: you made a commitment when you married him? Yes, you did, but so did he, and I don't see him having a problem breaking it. It's been a one-sided commitment ever since you started dating that moron.

 

Also: why exactly do you still love him? He's been disrespecting you for a LONG time, and even after getting caught MULTIPLE times, he hasn't changed a thing. Because he doesn't have to. He doesn't take anything you say seriously. He doesn't CARE.

 

You say it yourself: your H shows no remorse. Not only does he show no remorse, but he also acts defensive when confronted. What exactly does that tell you? He hides and deletes evidence. What does that tell you. He lies. What does THAT tell you?

 

What makes you believe that he wants his family? That he will respect you in the future? His words? Because that's all there is really. Empty words. Have you talked to his family about this at all? Since you have a good bond/relationship with his sisters, would you consider asking them for help/advice? I'd personally draw the line in the sand right now. I think he doesn't deserve a 30th chance. I'm not even sure this type of guy deserves a second chance. They say everybody does, but apparently some folks just don't know how to appreciate a second chance. He's definitely one of them. He has a wife and a baby and he gives priority to other women. That seems to be his motivator in life: attention from other women. You'll never be enough for him, no matter how good/bad you treat him. Don't let him get away with his BS. It's not your fault and it's not because you don't give him enough attention. He knows it and you know it......he only says that to distract you from the real issue, which is him, and in order to put you in a position where you have to start defending yourself. Highly manipulative and very unfair. This person is a bully and I say get out as long as your child is young. The younger they are the easier will a divorce be for them. Please don't stay with that idiot. It's just a rinse repeat cycle. You'll be in the same place 5 years from now, 10 years from now.......if you don't leave him. You don't need him.