Am I losing my Wife?

[FAMOF8]

I need some serious advice regarding my marriage. My wife of 2 years is giving me mixed signals on our separation status and I am confused. We separated 2 weeks ago because my wife says that she has lost respect and cannot trust me. No, I never cheated on my wife or emotionally cheated. Bottom line is that I wasn’t there when she needed me the most.

 

My wife has been suffering from a brain tumor for little over a year which has really affected her emotionally, physically, mentally and in every way possible. I have been by her side every step of the way even when she contemplated suicide not once but twice. I stayed strong for her because I love my wife and she is my best friend. During this dark time in our marriage I we went through a rough time and it took a toll on us emotionally. My wife tried leaving me on multiple occasions because she did not want me to see her suffering or worst dying. She said....did....and tried everything to get me to walk away for months on months but I stayed strong and I fought back every single day. Not for me, but for her and our family.

 

I felt as if I have been doing what a husband was supposed to do for his wife but I was wrong. After some time, my wife’s condition was getting worse but stayed by her side through it all. Even through this, she insisted that I walk away from our marriage before it’s too late, meaning (Before she dies) but I let it be known to her that I married her for sickness and in health and I kept my word. One day my wife just stop touching me and wouldn’t even look at me the way she used to. I felt useless at time not knowing how to convince her that I still loved her and that I will not leave her side.

 

Unfortunately about 3 months ago I had an emotional and mental break down from all of the stress hurt and pain that we have endured from the past year. During this time I started hanging out and looking for an excuse not to be home. I would leave for hours sometimes days while she was home worried and sick. I abandoned my wife and became selfish with my emotions not considering that my sick wife needed me to be home to care for her. I look back at it now and realized how selfish I was to not even think about my wife’s well-being. If I was feeling this way then I couldn’t imagine how my wife felt for that year.

 

2 weeks ago my wife said that she no longer loves me and that it was a mistake marrying me. Man did that hit me like a ton of bricks. She added that the hurt she felt was because I made her feel unloved, un-cherished, not cared for, despised, neglected, unimportant, and pushed aside for your self-love and self-interest. The truth is, she was right. I am now the one in pain and suffering because of my decisions. Since we have been separated, the first week was ruff. She let me know that she no longer loves me and that she wants to be by herself and live life without me. I was not in her future plans and I should move out.

 

I did everything I could to get her to understand how sorry I was for making her feel this way. I did everything but her heart was like a stone. The next week later, my wife and I sat down and had a long talk about everything. We said our peace and that is what we needed. Later that night while watching one of our favorite TV shows we started going through our pictures and reminiscing on all the great times with our family. Surprisingly, my wife admitted that she still cares and loves me but is not in love with me because I really hurt her. Despite all of that she got and kissed me and told me that she loves me. Later that night me made love for the first time in over a month and it felt like we were back the way we used to be.

 

Next morning my wife kisses me before we left for work and says that she loves me. I never felt so happy but then…………She went cold turkey on me again and now she speaks to me with such anger and doesn’t want me to touch her or get near. When I get home from work it seem as if she purposely come in to room that I am in to get my attention by making comments or asking me if I am sleeping in the bed tonight. Contently coming in and changing the thermostat and other things. I feel as if my wife is crying out for something, I just don’t know what it is and she will not allow me to help or care for her. I need help. I am so confused.

Edited February 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden]

You need to talk to the hospital, or her consultant to see what aspects of her cerebral function this tumour is affecting.

My ex-boss's sister has a brain tumour. It's cancerous, and her mood swings are erratic, volatile, unpredictable and vitriolic. One second she can be huggy laughing and smiling, and a moment or two later, she's like the world's first-class top bitch.

 

You yourself, in having to cope with everything, reached a point where your valve blew.

You need psychological support and counselling, because you can't do this on your own, and there's no earthly reason why you should. neither is it written anywhere that you have to.

 

yes, I get the 'in sickness and in health' deal. I do.

but there's nothing to say that emotionally, you're on your own.

naturally, everything proved too much for you and you overloaded.

 

It's possible (if not probable) that your wife's Hot-cold' behaviour is actually down to her tumour and the pressure it's putting on the brain.

 

Get some guidance on this.

before you make any decisions, or act anything through, seek clarification, advice and medical educated opinion.

 

As for you yourself: Try to find a help-line you can contact, or ask the Consultant himself what you can do. Explain to him what happened; he may be able to connect you to a support group.

 

Try all this first, if you haven't already....

[darkmoon]

"asking me if I am sleeping in the bed tonight. Contently coming in and changing the thermostat and other things" -

 

 

is she hoping that you notice a seduction attempt? why not kiss her or compliment her and see?

Edited February 4, 2014 by darkmoon

[FAMOF8]

TaraMaiden

Thank you for the advice. She has been battling with emotional and bi-polar like symptoms for a long time now. It hurt me to see my wife go through this but I am going to stay strong for her and seek as much help as a can. I want my wife back and I am willing to do whatever it takes to save her and our marriage. I really appreciate you honesty and your response.

 

Darkmoon:

I have tried that many time but I get so many different responses but mainly rejections. I know for a fact that she is screaming for help but I don’t think she know how to. I think her pride gets in the way of allowing herself to be venerable to showing weekness.

[TaraMaiden]

I do advise you to speak to her consultant. if necessary do so first on your own, then with her.

 

It's a difficult thing to process, the fact that not only do you have a tumour, but it affects your entire outlook and everything you once thought true, is false....

 

It's difficult for you to process, but for her, it must be a bewildering mind-maze. Actually, it's even possible that she may not even be aware she has such diverse mood swings....

 

So speak to someone.

Get support and expert opinion.

 

On the face of it, it looks like a separation like many others.

But I really don't think it is.

I think that this is something to do with her condition, and you, you poor guy, have to put up with being emotionally beaten round the head.

 

Find a support system to help you through the emotional ups-and-downs.

There's no shame in needing help. And it will give you something to lean on, and make you more able to cope.

[pteromom]

Find a support system to help you through the emotional ups-and-downs.

There's no shame in needing help. And it will give you something to lean on, and make you more able to cope.

 

This!

 

You need to find a support group for spouses battling cancer. I am certain you will find people in the same situation who would have great insight into what is happening in your marriage.