what can I do?

[singei]

ve spent the last 14 years living in seperate homes because he was a gambler and we could not live in peace together. Any past attempts at that had failed with alot of violence. But these years living 3 k's away from each other worked out good and we had a relationship of sorts. He is a very faithful and supportive man and has been financially looking out for me all this time. I am on a pension at the moment. In june this year I had a mid life crisis and started to sleep with men and formed a friends with benefits relationship that caused my husband to nearly take his life and this also caused him 6 months of severe anguish. All through those 7 months we saw each other every day and never parted. But he said he would wait for me to get over this as he loved me. Just last week he met a lady his age at the locol pub and she invited him back to her house and he has suddenly and out of character left me for her where he now spends all his nights and weekends. It looks like a rebound to anyone that sees it but he is clearly hurting from all the pain I caused him these past 7 months and can't trust me. I had come to him the day this happened and told him I wanted to mend out marriage but he refused and now wont talk to me either. This women is taking over his life and obviously giving him alot of sex and companionship and he is happy although he has told my daughter he still loves me. This women lives less than a mile from me and this is distressing to say the least! I want him to reconsider me but he has told my 23 year old daughter he wont hurt this other women and I can't reach him. I know I have done some terrible things over these months but his sudden change is not normal and I know he is making a rash decision. Can anyone please give me some advice on how to reach him through all his pain and this now so called committment he has made to this other women before it is too late. Sexually we were never compatable over out marriage so I guess that is a big attraction for him but I would be happy to try and work on that. We have been married since 1983.

Edited February 4, 2014 by singei

[RuralGuy]

Let me see if I understand you - you spent 6-7 months cheating on him, with *lots* of different men, and you know that this hurt him, really really hurt him, yet you wouldn't stop.

 

Did you stop sleeping around when you found out he had a new woman in his bed, or do you just want him to not sleep with this other woman, while you continue sleeping around?

 

I'm really not sure how to respond to your post. I've been telling my six year old, if you cannot say anything nice then don't say anything at all, and I'm going to take my own advice here.

 

I will say that when someone has an abrupt personality change, that perhaps there is something medically going on. Perhaps it is time for an extensive physical checkup by a doctor?

[singei]

No there was nothing medically wrong....just thought that I had to leave a sexless and difficult marriage of 32 years duration that had never worked out no matter how we had tryed. I was 19 when we met and was 52 when I did those things ie sleeping around. I really could not see a way to make out relationship work after all those years and all the problems we had. I really thought I was doing the right thing. But he stood by me all those months I did that. I am not sleeping around as of the day last week I went to him to propose we try to work things out in earnest but it was the day after he had met and stayed at this other ladies home and he made the choice he has. I really don't see why he had to bail overnight when he had stood by and wanted to be with me and wait for me and even understood my confusion and odd behaviour. I gave up on my marriage but kept him as my husband (with his consent) and went through those 7 months finding out there was no body else I really cared for anyway. Just getting what I deserve...I know. But after all that had happened he never wanted to give up on me or us and then all of a sudden in one night he did. Hard to comprehend. I have stopped my infedelity but even he said many times he could understand why I had done those things...our marriage had been hopelessly in the pits for many many years and we just could not seem to fix it...even though we had always been the best of friends and remained married. Just a tradgety. I wish I could get him to turn around and give us the one more try first and try to resolve all those issues...just try. I had always been faithful for all those 30 years and so had he.

[Movingforward2]

Trying to find the positive in this situation.....Many men that read your post will hope their wife "figures it out" that it isn't better on the other side. You probably do not deserve a 2nd chance, because he probably feels like he didn't get one when you did what you did. Not judging you, but that's what goes through the head of a man.

[singei]

Thanks. I met him after his work yesterday for the first time in a week since we had broken a[art. First contact. I tryed to ask him for a chance but he has fallen for this other women now and says he is happy with her and feels deeply for her. He said we can be friends to which I thought to myself I can't do that. He got very distressed with the talk about all this stuff and pulled away from me. He kept talking about how he could never forgive me for what I had done and it was too early to look at a possibility of a relationship...too soon. I told him I would never bother him again to which he said he would still like to be there for me in some way as he still cared and always will but it was too late he had found a women he is in love with now and can't go back to me. He is in soooo much pain as he speaks and full of anger and bitterness. I tryed to reassure him I was wanting to give this everything I have but he distrusts me and feels he can't leave this other women now. So we have finished. I feel sad and hurt but also a great snese of relief that now I know he dosn't want me and I have to get on with my life without him.