What do I do now?

[Iamyoungjuan]

Just a little updte on my status

 

My wife left me three weeks ago since she left I been trying to talk to her I even sent her gifts but nothing seems to be working she dont not want to talk to me since she left she doesnt even call or text me so I went about a week without calling and texting

 

Well yesterday I call her to see how she and the kids was doing I asked her did she miss me she said yeah but in a funny way I asked was she still in love with me she said yeah so I asked her was she seeing anyone she said she have a text buddy so I say thats y you havnt been calling me all of a sudden she just start yelling at me about how she dont wanna work on our marriage and how she dont want me holding onto hope she said I can call her and see how she doing and check on the kids but she dont wanna talk about us anymore I asked her can I see her again she flat out said no

 

So she made it clear that we was done everytime I ask her what she wanna do about divorce she say its up to me if I wanna get it I can but she havnt thought about it so I told her that I was hurt because I loved her so much but I have to deal with it

 

She texted me a few hours later asking was I ok I told her yeah thanks for asking I asked her can she please change her phone number because she say I call and always wanna talk about the same stuff and I didnt wanna bother her anymore or make things worse she said its ok if I call her phone I made it clear to her that I didnt wanna call anymore an its hard for me not to call she said she will thnk about it

 

So to me it sounds like she has moved on can someone please give me advice on what to do next as far as moving on I did text her last night and told her I just wanna file for divorce and I didnt wanna talk or text anymore she said ok.

 

I just wanna move on from this its been three weeks and I cant really sleep or eat the thought of her with someone else is killing me I try to keep from crying Im lost and dont know what to do how can you just give up on 9 years so fast and we have four kids

Edited February 1, 2014 by Iamyoungjuan

[Yasuandio]

I suggest you be the MAN and take control of situation.

 

1. Get attorney and file for divorce.

 

2. Get the kids a cell phone so you may speak to them, and not go thru her.

 

3. Have attorney arrange visitation where you can have the kids 50% of the time.

 

4. Stop begging pleading with her. Read 180's. Stick to business.

 

5. Get it in your head - she's manipulating you. Start being tough, not a woos. Show you have some control over yourself.

 

I had same problem. I begged ex to change his number so I wiould stop making mistakes like drunk dialing. That just made me look like an idiot. Show you have control. I have control now myself. It is not easy - you have to work at it - but you can do it, one day at a time.

 

Just because you start the LEGAL divorce does not mean it's over, paperwork can always be stopped. It's the EMOTIONAL divorce that is on the table. That is toughest. Show your strength, file the legal divorce, and I bet she will most likely be the one calling you. If you change your number, she might be at your door. Turn the table.

 

I recommend you listen to the Homer McDonald interview tapes. They are in the link in my signature line. Listen to them ten times. Especially the three sentence method. Yas

[Iamyoungjuan]

I been thinking really hard about fileing for divorce

[Yasuandio]

I been thinking really hard about fileing for divorce

 

Good move.

[Lost soulmate]

Be the first to file for divorce. I wish I had. With public records being so easily attainable, it looks better if you are the petitioner and not the respondent. I feel your pain. Im going through the same thing but without kids. Its probably going to happen anyway, if it doesnt waker her up when she gets the papers then there probably insnt a chance. 180 all the way. It has helped me. There will always be times you will have to see her, but keeping as little contact as possible will help you.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Yeah but its so hard I cant picture her with someone else that thought is killing me but she made it clear to me that we was done

 

Can anyone explain to me why she went off on me so bad friday and then text me later that day and asked was I ok

[Tayken]

Can someone please explain to me how things are done in the US with regards to someone taking the kids away?

 

Here in Canada, a spouse can't just up and leave with the kids from the matrimonial home. If this happens, you go to the court the next day, and an order will be given right away for the kids to be returned to their primary residence....the spouse can stay where they are with bf/gf if they choose, but not the kids

 

The one advice here that is always given to people is that...no matter what the argument is, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE until an agreement is in place for access and custody of the kids. If you have to sleep in the garage and see your kids, so be it

 

If a spouse is allowed to build a status quo with the kids...no judge in the country is going to disrupt that stability and that is one reason why some fathers lose custody of their kids.

 

When there is argument, do not engage in front of the kids, move into a spare room, get a tape recorder and having it running at all times on your, get a combination safe from walmart and keep all your papers/documents in there

 

Be the first one to file in court i.e. the Applicant and serve her. She has 30 days to respond

[Lost soulmate]

At least you got a call asking if you were ok. Mine left just before Christmas and I didnt here from her until after New Years. I believe that when someone has another person to fall back on they reason with themselves and think only of the bad thing about the relationship to justify their behavior. She probably still loves you but thinks life would be better with someone else. I hate to say it but its very easy to prey on married women. Every relationship has problems. When they share their problems with other guys the other guys MF you. She probably did feel bad about what she said but dont read into it too much. Sorry for what your going though.

[Iamyoungjuan]

So I woke up this morning with a text from my wife saying I sorry for everything so I didnt respond she text back and ask me to call her so I text her back to see what was going on she said she missed me and do I wanna work it out so I told her im willing to work it out but I dont wanna go through the samething with her leaving me...She told me how she was moving in her apartment two weeks and starting school in march but she still seem like she not sure if this is what she wanna do

 

I told her that I really love her and I would do everything I can to make her happy she said she wanna work it out but its kinda like she really dont know

 

Im confused

Edited February 4, 2014 by Iamyoungjuan

[Tayken]

So I woke up this morning with a text from my wife saying I sorry for everything so I didnt respond she text back and ask me to call her so I text her back to see what was going on she said she missed me and do I wanna work it out so I told her im willing to work it out but I dont wanna go through the samething with her leaving me

 

OMG, there is one born every second.

 

She has you wrapped around her little finger. I'll hate to guess where she was texting you from

 

You texted her back, and she has now told you what you want to hear.

 

Listen to this:

 

1. Ignore her text and calls from now on

2. Do not call her

3. If she really means what she is saying, she will show her face and tell it to you in person as opposed to TEXT

4. You are in charge of this situation

5. As yourself.....could it be because "grass is greener on the other side" turned out not to be so green after all?

6. How long before history repeats itself?

7. Unless you are some kind of gambler....then go ahead and make her day

 

Decision is yours fella

[Scott Thomas]

Check the '180':

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

 

 

Start practicing it. No contact unless it's about something that concerns the kids. Become a man that any woman would love to have (and this doesn't mean the proverbial 'nice' guy). Once she realizes that you're a prize, she'll regret leaving you.

[Iamyoungjuan]

Update

 

So I talked to my wife she said she wanted us to work it out that we can start by dating and going to counseling I agreed at first but then she said she dont wanna live together so I told her that I dont think its gonna work with us being apart because she is so quick to start talking to other man and I told her that I dont want her to lead me on she said she wasnt gonne play me that she just wanted to live apart until thing get better

 

So today I told her how I really feel that I just want her to be happy and that I dont wanna call or text anymore because us living apart wasnt gonna work for me because I dont want my heart broken in the end I told her we can just move on she said ok

 

I really wanna be with her but im scared she gonna cheat on me or string me alone we agreed that we will srop talking and texting but im really hoping she change her mind and wanna move in together I know that I will treat my wife right and make sure she stays hapy if she gives me another chance because this time apart is killing me

[Yasuandio]

You are improving. I think what you told her SHOULD be what you really want.

 

But, don't give her anymore information. That goods up 180 and NC. Let her wonder what is in your mind.

 

But you found out a lot today, smart guy!

 

Now...keep the lip zipped. NC. Until she says:

 

"Juan, I made a mistake. I will do anything to save this marriage."

 

Those are the magic words. Everything else is bull. Don't answer anything without coming here. I think u got her (if u want her, that is), but you have to put yourself in power again. We are all watching out for you. Keep up the good work. Yas

[Iamyoungjuan]

Well I gave in again and talked to her come to find out she was just using me to get some money so she can move into her apartment so now but I didnt give it to her because I had the feeling that she was trying to use me now she turned off her phone and doesnt want to talk to me so now im back at square one

 

Im really fed up with this I fault myself I should have stayed with NC but im going full NC mode right now even if she call or text me I promise to not reply she is playing with my mind and trying to use me but as much as im hurting im done with her if she wanna work it now she gone have to come looking for me