Still love my wife, truly believe she still loves me, but, it isn't pretty... ?

[Xgdjufiyh]

Ugh, how to keep this one brief. Married for 1 year, love of my life, best friend, soul mate, running buddy, compatible in every way shape or form. My problem, I've struggled with alcohol since the day I met her 6 years ago. Never seemed to bother her that much, and always encouraged me and felt that I would get a handle on it. Everybody that knows us would tell me how much she loves me, how she said we were soul mates, and she couldn't imagine life without me. I always felt that our conversations relating to alcohol were more out of concern for me than for our relationship, as she never gave me ultimatums and life seemed to go on just enjoying each other's company. No fighting whatsoever, absolutely no evidence of another man. We both have 2 kids from previous marriages, the girls are the same age and consider each other sisters. We would talk all the time about how people envied and wished they had our relationship.

 

About a week before Thanksgiving weekend, I was going to voluntarily check myself into a rehab clinic. I was skeptical as I am not a real faithful person and all of the programs are faith based, plus, I believed it was a choice, not a disease (I now know better). I recall the day I was supposed to check in her telling me that I didn't have to go, she didn't want me to pretend my way through it, and she wasn't going to leave me or divorce me. I recall having a sinking feeling for some reason at the time, I was nearly in tears. My disease was a living hell.

 

Thanksgiving weekend my dumb a$$ went on a binge, and I acted stupid, knocking over the Xmas tree, calling names, etc... I do some pretty stupid stuff when I drink, and I was additionally stressed by the fact that my family business of 85 years was going out of business (through no fault of alcohol or my own).

 

I ended up in the ER for detox and a partial hospitalization program, and have been sober for 60 days today. Her last words to me when I last saw her that weekend were that she loved me to death, and would do anything for me, and I truly believe that she meant it and has always meant how much she loved me. Nobody is that good of an actress. But, she left, and is divorcing me, and I have a no contact order and have not heard from her for 60 days.

 

Now she is living with her best friend, who is also getting a divorce, kind of a man haters club. And, while taking full responsibility for my drinking and my actions, she certainly was no angel herself, taking me straight to a bar after every long Sunday run together, or any night off that we didn't have the kids. A classic enabler.

 

People who know us both, but, who have not talked to her, surmise that she simply can't think about seeing me or talking to me, as she would have to go back to her friends, family, ex-husband and let them know she is seeing me again. That's a lot of inertia to overcome, not to mention an attorney who I'm sure that has advised her not to talk to me.

 

Bottom line, I know she loves me, she simply could not have been acting all along. She put everything out there for me, and we shared everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. Frankly, she is not replaceable. But, I know that if I could see her or talk to her, her heart would bubble up and the feelings would come out, and we could work our way past this. This was not 6 years of abuse and torment, just inappropriate drinking at inappropriate times, which I feel I have beaten, and will control for the rest of my life having been through treatment.

 

I'm not sure what my question is. Maybe I deserve this because of my disease, although I would like to think that she would have been here supporting me. She has told others she is proud of me for getting clean, but, as I said, she is in a position now where the baby is so far out of the womb, I think she must be afraid to even see me or talk to me for fear of the feelings coming out. I am hoping, probably against all hope, that she will come around before the divorce finalizes. I feel pressured to offer a settlement as most of our assets are frozen, at the same time, it's been just an amazing 6 years. Pulling weeds was fun, as long as we were together. I miss our coffee in the mornings, ripping a$$ in front of each other, all of the faults that she hates in herself that I love so much. We were truly best friends and soul mates, and that doesn't happen everyday.

 

Any similar experiences? Any way to reach out to her without getting an order of protection slapped on me? I have never laid a finger on her, and never would, I am not a violent person. Do I wait it out and hope for the best that her anger will die down and she will reach out? I'm feeling alone, claustrophobic, depressed and unable to concentrate, but, proud of the work I have done on myself. Being ashamed of my drinking for so many years has been difficult on my psyche, but, I am trying to forgive myself, but, I am seeking her forgiveness, I just can't get through to her without getting in trouble. All of our mutual friends are surprised by this, as they knew how much she loved me and I love her, and I simply can't reconcile any explanation that is given to me...

[Grumpybutfun]

Sometimes love just isn't enough to battle addiction. You are very contradictory in your statements about your wife. You know she loved you, but your behavior was atrocious when binge drinking, yet you also say it is her fault for enabling you. Addicts often blame others for the fallout their addictions leave behind. You may be sober right now, but you are still thinking like an addict. You may need a therapist who deals with addictions to help you wade through much of your aftermath from your alcoholism.

I know you would do anything to undo anything you did while drunk that has made her leave. Start working on yourself and maybe one day when you heal a bit and learn how to manage your alcoholism, you can revisit trying to reconcile. Right now, you are still too much in an addicts fog to do anything productive and healthy in a relationship.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Xgdjufiyh]

You are correct, and I do see a therapist. I do sometimes catch myself, and sometimes not while in the act of trying to reconcile my thoughts, sharing the blame. Nobody put a gun to my head, it is my disease, it's a family disease. The best advice I have received is to work on myself, and God willing, she may see the person she fell in love with. The contradictions are what they are, they don't always make sense, and nobody ever said that life would make sense. I think it's also the nature of the addiction, wanting to control the outcome. I also think a lot of it is just missing the living heck out of her and the companionship and probably pining for her support and hearing her say "Good job Babe"...there isn't anything I don't miss about her, and I can just suppose this is as difficult for her as it is for me. Thanks for bringing me back to owning my responsibility Grumpy.

[Yasuandio]

Grumps pointed out your tendency to blameshift, calling your wife the "typical enabler." What utter BS - she was only with you six years? You have no idea what an enabler is. You need to google it on-line, maybe Wickpedia. So then you referred to this LS Vet as "grumpy," rather than his post name, how ironic.

 

You stated you were never violent - but in the early part of your post you mention knocking down the Xmas in your drunken state the night before entering treatment. That is violent and reckless holiday behavior, not good for children to see - in fact, disgusting. What a way to screw the Christmas season for the family. I bet you did a good deal more damage than your pickled brain can recall. Reminds me of my own childhood with a drunken father. Pathetic.

 

You are in denial. Sixty days doesn't mean squat. And you know what, I don't even believe you. You effed your life. Just forget it. Sounds like your wife is finished with this. People don't get TRO's for playtime. Leave her alone. Go to AA. You didn't mention that program. They have steps to follow. Others will post and explain it to you. And do it for yourself. They will even applaud you for the 60 days. But AA expects you to do those steps - and from what I hear - It sounds like WORK (not I want, not I need, not me, me, me). I don't know what else to say. I'm the product of an alchoholic father and a mother that was a REAL enabler. Knocking down the Xmas tree hits a real tender nerve with me. I cannot believe that same event can brings tears to my eyes after more than 35 years. Y

Edited January 31, 2014 by Yasuandio
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