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2 months married and already want a divorce


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 18th August 2004, 5:30 PM   #1
L&C
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2 months married and already want a divorce

I am really needing some advice. I'm 27 years old, just got married 2 months ago. Good possibility I should have not gotten married at all.

2 years ago, I though of leaving My husband (then only boyfriend) because I was falling out of love with him, he has never shown really any affection ever, he stays up all night watching sports and then falls asleep on the couch (basically no sex), but for some stupid reason I stayed with him. The day that I was going to end things he wanted to go look at rings, of course I got all happy and giddy about it I dropped all feelings of leaving and wanted to stay. Even after the engagement I was starting to believe that I was making a huge mistake, I asked my best friend about it and she said "oh it's jitters". A year ago I almost ended things again, right now I am wishing I did. I started getting all wrapped up in the wedding that I lost track of myself and my feelings. Got married we have had sex once, I'm thinking that there is something wrong with me, I am a very attractive young women, I work out take care of myself. Then I started thinking that maybe my husband is gay, others have thought the same.

Here's the real juice. I had some suspicions that my husband has been hiding things from me, and has been hiding them from me before we got married. After having a long talk with my best friend she said to confront my husband with what I feel. So I confronted my husband, my suspicions were dead on, he was hiding something from me.

My husband has been lying to me for the past 2 years. He took out a loan for some reason he still will not tell me of. He has gambled away over $50K in a 7 month span. We were already in debt due to the wedding. When I confronted him last week about it he said he was gambling (remind you he has done this 2 other times, but not with me), asked if there was anything else he said no, well 5 days later we start talking again there is more, there is more money involved. His parents baled him out the last 2 times.

Right now I am so hurt, and I feel like such a idiot. I saw all the signs and chose to ignore them. Now I am paying the price. A piece of me wants a divorce and a piece of me wants to stay, I have been with him for 6 years. So many things are going through my head. My parents want me to try and work things out with this while I'm feeling, is this what you want for your daughter? I am afraid that if I stay 2 years down the road something is going to happen again and I am going to wish that I left when I should of. It's like I am making the same mistake over and over. And I feel stupid because it has only been 2 months since our wedding and I am already thinking divorce, actually annulment. I have agreed to go to Marriage counseling. Am i an idiot?

Please can someone give me some sort of advice?
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Old 18th August 2004, 5:44 PM   #2
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wow. helluva story. shame it's true. i think it would be a good idea for you both to go to marriage counselling. you seem to have your own doubts, but, you said it yourself. you tell yourself to stay and you tell yourself to go. i can only think that you'd like to stay, IF, the situation improves. if your husband's not going to improve, then you owe it to yourself to find happiness for yourself. hopefully, your guy will see that what he's doing is tearing you two apart. best of luck to you both.
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Old 18th August 2004, 8:36 PM   #3
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If there is any love left between the two of you then I second the idea for marriage counseling.
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Old 19th August 2004, 12:50 AM   #4
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I think you have to make a decision before a child gets involved in this situation... He has lied to you for so long and already has a huge debt besides the wedding debt.. You have alot of doubts in him.. about him being gay and so on..

Ask yourself what you want from him.. then tell him what you want.. and if he can't give you what you need in this relationship then I think you should get a divorce before it's too late..

I realize that marriage counselling wouldn't hurt, but it seems like there isn't much you can do about the situation.. he needs to do something about his gambling and he has to be more affectionate.. You can't live your whole life wondering.."I should have left him a long time ago".. Do what you feel is right for you and for your life.. ask yourself if this is what you want and ask yourself if you think things can change.. i don't think things will change or work out through marriage counselling..
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Old 19th August 2004, 1:15 AM   #5
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Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place...

It sounds like you know what you have to do, but you want some validation that you're doing the right thing. I'm with you, in that I think you should leave. I think it's the best for you both, because you're not getting what you want, he's not getting what he wants, and whatever else he's got going on in his life, it sounds like you don't want any part of.

Of course, it's not easy to just leave someone after being together for 6 years. But realize that you've already left him in your head. At least twice. 6 years is very small when you think about the rest of your life. Do you really want to still be with him 50 years from now?

I think the only way a marriage counselor will help you two (because it won't help your wallets) will be to make sure you both are still friends, or at least cordial, after the split. Other than that, I would keep your money for more important things, like possible legal fees. And as far as that goes, I think a mediator would be the best option here, because your marriage is still fresh.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant! That will seal the deal, and you could forget about having the happiness you can still have. Having a child with this guy sounds like much more trouble than it would be worth. I've heard of unhappy couples having a child as a last ditch attempt to "prove" to one another that they're really in love. Two words: bad idea.

Shakespeare had it right -- Hamlet, Act I, Scene III, Lord Polonius says to Laertes, "This above all; to thine ownself be true."

Don't delude yourself. You're unhappy. Listen to your gut and trust it. Because no matter what, at the end of every day, you go to bed with yourself.

Best of luck, and if you can, please let us know what happens.
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Old 19th August 2004, 9:17 AM   #6
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I think I agree that it is better to get out now, before you get in any deeper. You might want to go see a counselor for yourself though, to help you figure out how you made such a bad choice. (I also made an extremely bad choice in my first husband. I had misgivings about marrying him that I ignored, and knew I had made a mistake almost immediately after we were married.) You also might want to consider going to marriage counseling with your husband, just so you can say that you tried to work things out.
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Old 19th August 2004, 12:53 PM   #7
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L & C

All signs point to Divorce.

Gambling is one of the hardest addictions to stop.
For someone to get a loan for $50K and then gamble it away has lost his mind.
There is an old saying, If you cut off the hands of a gambler to stop him/her from gambling, he/she will use their feet to gamble.
This is a sickness that is not curable. I have had many people I know loose everything.

Get out now, its a lost cause.
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Old 23rd August 2004, 11:07 PM   #8
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Been there - didn't follow my gut feelings either and married someone like your husband except my husband's addiction was porn. My marriage lasted 5 months. It's funny how you just know when something isn't right and someone is hiding something from you.

I knew my husband had a big secret, confronted him and he lied, lied, lied and lied. When someone has an addiction and it is serious enough to where your husband won't have sex with YOU (his wife) - then the addiction is the problem - not you.

You sound unhappy and miserable. I too had cold feet before I got married, knew I was making a mistake and got all caught up in the engagement and wedding..........but all the time my gut feelings where beating me over the head but I chose to ignore them.

After we tied the knot things came crashing down, I divorced him and I am relieved and happy to be single again. It's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It wasn't easy by no means........I value the sanctity of marriage but sometimes we just make mistakes.

It's your life to consider - do what your gut tells you and you'll come out fine.
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Old 13th November 2005, 8:49 AM   #9
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Wondering how you are doing

My name is Lisa, and I recently joined this site. I
wanted to ask you if you are still with your husband.
If you are, my advice to you is to seek out as much
information about gambling addiction as possible.
Gambling is the most gambling addiction thats out
there, and it's the gambler who is the last to
admit there is a problem. You can't cure your
husband from this disease, but you can help
yourself by learning as much about it as possible.
I recently went through a 30 day treatment center
due to my gambling problem. I was a liar, sneaking,
hiding and deceiviing to protect my addiction.
It is a very very serious disease. If you love yourself,
go to a gamanon meeting, and start learning. There is
not anything you have done wrong. He needs serious
help.

God Bless You.
Lisa
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Old 13th November 2005, 8:52 AM   #10
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... and people roll their eyes at me when I tell them that everything gets worse after marriage...
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Gone fishin
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Old 13th November 2005, 9:48 AM   #11
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Slubber, I don't roll my eyes. I absolutely agree with you and I might add something else. Having a baby doesn't make things better either. It's a stress even on a GOOD marriage but for a not so good one it will only make things WORSE!

And I'd like to also add that for most people if you have doubts before the wedding, then RUN. I don't believe in this "pre-wedding jitters" idea. You should have NO doubts when you get married...because even when you DON'T have doubts it can fail but if you DO have doubts, it's almost GUARANTEED it will fail.
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