Wolverine1980 Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Hey all. It's been a little more than a week since I posted last re: my marriage situation. I have been working on a 180 with my wife (who is in Chicago, while I'm in SE Michigan). I haven't been in any contact and have focused on creating a great life for myself (hanging with friends, skiing, going to the gym, eating well) and posting the results on Facebook (to stay in touch, for self-motivation, and to inspire friends to come along for some of my fun). My wife has had nothing to say during that time. She did email me yesterday: Hi Hope you are well. The weather has started to thaw here, so that's nicer for puppy and me. Here is an update: 1. I'm working with my uncle to fill out the court forms. It seems like a fairly simple process, but I wanted his help to make sure they are done right. There will be some things for you to sign, but I will let you know when I have them ready. 2. My dad and I were thinking of coming this Thursday to pick up my things. We will probably make it by 12 or 1pm. Does this work for you? Can you leave a key under the mat because I don't have one. 3. What do you want to do about [the house that we've been renting together]? I'm willing to pay my part of January and February, but after that, it doesn't seem fair. Thoughts? 4. At some point, we need to decided what we want to do with [our cabin]. My dream is that it goes up one way or another. I'm happy to give it to you if you are going to actually put it up. I'm not sure I'd feel good about selling it. So I guess I could keep it and continue to pay full storage fees if you didn't have plans to put it up. That's a lot! Ok..be well, J What is the best way to approach the MOVE OUT part of this, in keeping with ACTING AS IF (I do believe there is still something worth saving, and would like to do everything I can) and also with the rules of the 180? I am feeling really scared and helpless, to be completely honest. So, thanks in advance for any input! Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Didn't your wife say that she is done with the marriage? I'm not sure what you mean when you say there's something worth saving and you're going to do all you can. I believe she tried to revisit salavaging the marriage twice/three times and she couldn't go through with it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wolverine1980 Posted January 14, 2014 Author Share Posted January 14, 2014 Yeah. You're right - exactly. I still don't feel like I've done everything I can. I'm not going to just say, "I agree. Game's over." I don't agree. I think our marriage can still get better, independent of what she thinks. I'll be done when she sends me the papers - or if she strings me along for so long that it's effecting my quality of life. That's how I see it. So the question is what can I do now, given her recent email (above). Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Yeah. You're right - exactly. I still don't feel like I've done everything I can. I'm not going to just say, "I agree. Game's over." I don't agree. I think our marriage can still get better, independent of what she thinks. I'll be done when she sends me the papers - or if she strings me along for so long that it's effecting my quality of life. That's how I see it. So the question is what can I do now, given her recent email (above). I think you are in denial. You're projecting your views of how you see your marriage onto her. Independent of what she thinks? This is her marriage too and if she doesn't see it the way you do, you don't have the right to force your needs and wants on her. You're feeling scared and helpless and this is why you're latching even stronger and harder. After three attempts at trying, she is done with the marriage. You need to respect that. You need to LISTEN to what she is saying. Unless SHE comes back and says she has a change of heart, the best thing for you to do is let go. She knows fairly well what you hope for so if she cannot give you that, you need to accept it and if she can, she will. Stop pushing it. As for her email, she sounds pretty sure about taking steps forward. Comply. Respond that you will leave the key under the mat. Tell her how you would like to settle the rent for the apartment. As for the cabin, tell her that you haven't thought about it yet but will decide soon. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted January 14, 2014 Share Posted January 14, 2014 Keep strong with the 180 - do it for yourself, not to win her back. Live your life as you have been, and aspire to do even better than you have. Do your thing, and let her do hers. I am just sorry that hers appears to be finalising the end of your marriage. It will be hard, but you will get through it. Stay strong, hold your dignity, and keep going. There is nothing left to work for if the other person has already checked out entirely. Nothing you can do can make her love you, or want to be in the marriage. It's hard, but accepting this is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself at this point. I'm sorry. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I think you are in denial. You're projecting your views of how you see your marriage onto her. Independent of what she thinks? This is her marriage too and if she doesn't see it the way you do, you don't have the right to force your needs and wants on her. You're feeling scared and helpless and this is why you're latching even stronger and harder. After three attempts at trying, she is done with the marriage. You need to respect that. You need to LISTEN to what she is saying. Unless SHE comes back and says she has a change of heart, the best thing for you to do is let go. She knows fairly well what you hope for so if she cannot give you that, you need to accept it and if she can, she will. Stop pushing it. As for her email, she sounds pretty sure about taking steps forward. Comply. Respond that you will leave the key under the mat. Tell her how you would like to settle the rent for the apartment. As for the cabin, tell her that you haven't thought about it yet but will decide soon. I am afraid I agree with this. I don't think you are quite getting that she is done and moving on. Her letter was quite pragmatic and matter-of-fact. It was business. It was the business of getting the papers signed and getting her property back and dealing with the joint property. It was her tying up the last few loose ends in moving on. She's done. Don't mistake her being cordial and not calling you names as meaning she has any illusions of reconciliation. In fact if she was calling you names and chewing you out, that would mean there were still feelings and passion. That letter had as much emotion as a letter to an old landlord discussing forwarding mail and return of security deposit. The 180 was never meant to be a strategy on how to reconcile a floundering relationship or to get somebody back. It is a series of exercises on how to move on and recover after a relationship has already bit the dust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I think our marriage can still get better, independent of what she thinks. Those are words of a madman and a stalker. They have no frame of reality. It takes two people to make a marriage work but only one to make it end. You have it twisted backwards. If she thinks the marriage ends an Does the work to make it end, it ends. .....regardless of what you think. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 I'll be done when she sends me the papers - . That will be shortly. Per her own statement she is having them drawn up and intends to have them ready for your signing when she comes to get her stuff. I thought she sounded pretty clear and definitive on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 - or if she strings me along for so long that it's effecting my quality of life. If I read the email correctly, she will string you along untill Thursday when she comes with the papers for you to sign. Again to me she sounds like a person that has no ambiguity and no question that they are moving forward with plans to divorce as efficiently as possible. I see no indications of stringing you along or giving you any false hope in any way shape or form. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 So the question is what can I do now, given her recent email (above). -Have her stuff packed up. - have the key under the mat. - have plans in place for what to do with the house and the cabin. - get a lawyer to handle the paperwork and all the legal stuff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted January 15, 2014 Share Posted January 15, 2014 ...... on second thought if you are opposed to the divorce and don't want to make it any easier for her, don't pack up her stuff. You can't legally bar her from her property but you can at least make her pack and haul her own stuff. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Misadventure Posted January 20, 2014 Share Posted January 20, 2014 Based on the email, she is wanting to wipe her hands of things financially... there is no "maybe"..she is pretty much like "if you want the cabin if you will do something with it". This is dividing up everyone's things at the end. I agree with having her pack up her stuff... number one, it's torture for you. Unless of course slamming them in boxes will make you feel better. Two.. you aren't her husband anymore really or her maid...she made this decision, she needs to do her own things. Three... YOU are not in a NON emotional state of mind.. for legal issues, have a lawyer.. DO NOT TRUST HER to have YOUR best interest at heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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