Another divorce hearing - just venting

[Still-I-Rise]

Had a hearing for temporary support last week where my spouse agreed I should have sole legal and sole physical custody of our children under 18. Visitation is based upon further discussion and agreement by me. I was granted permanent custody. He rarely contacts our children. They have no desire to see or talk to him.

 

He lied about his employment and being sick...his usual stories. It came to a point where I had trouble breathing (crying) and had to step outside the courtroom. I was overcome with emotion. His lying always made me sad.

 

He didn't look healthy and I wondered what they were doing -- him and the OW. I always assume they spend their days in love, lounging in fields of lavender, holding hands and skipping in the sunshine.

 

He has not helped us financially nor any other way since he left home and I suspect he and the OW are running his side business although he lied and said he no longer has it. I helped him build that business. I am the reason he has it. I was our steady source of income all these years, not him, just so he could have it.

 

How can she be okay with a man who abandoned his family -- his children -- without turning back? I don't care how long they've been fooling around, surely she cannot be on board with all this and if so, why? After I learned about her, despite his denials, I told him I was sorry if she was hurt in this way and so felt it necessary to revisit such hurt upon another woman/family. For I could not fathom such motivation otherwise. (She appears to have been married a couple times and have children by different men. SO not how we were brought up, my husband and I.)

 

The judge asked him about the home being close to foreclosure and he claimed he calls me constantly to pay the mortgage but I refuse. Me, who is still shocked he walked out in July...me whom he used and stole from and left financially barren...me the mother of his four children who he left holding everything. He knows how to pay the mortgage and I would not turn a dollar away at this point.

 

He claimed he was hospitalized last month but upon questioning by my attorney forgot the dates and time of month. He then said he was on disability but the judge awarded temporary support anyway stating he will need to bring proof at the hearing she set for 30 days.

 

During the hearing, I thought the judge was on his side (pro se), buying his convincing lies, but later realized she was coaxing him to let the rope out. She ended up suggesting my attorney file subpoenas with his employer and serve discovery. He thought he was so clever.

 

He then indirectly asked if he could avoid bringing proof of his hospitalization and disability by returning to work sooner in order to pay the full amount of support he would pay at full salary.

 

(Two days before the hearing I received a call from our court appointed mediator introducing himself and advising me my husband told him all issues were resolved.

 

My husband initiated the divorce and back dated the day of separation to two years. Yet, he believes I am at fault for the divorce proceedings although I begged for marriage counseling/reconciliation. Even the mediator asked if my husband realized he initiated the divorce.)

 

Back to the PL Hearing: He said a couple mean things about me. I of course said nothing and felt concerned for his appearance which was not great, although he is making a ton of money and living the high life with his mistress. She is older than we are.

 

Today my attorney served him with interrogatories and discovery. He hates paperwork and disclosure. I should not have been surprised he did not comply with the order to exchange financial documents before the hearing.

 

Thing is, I haven't begun to fight. I do not want anything the court does not deem fair, equitable and rightful to support our two younger children and handle the financial obligations of a 22 year marriage.

 

WHY did it have to get to this place? What are he and the OW thinking? If she is older and advising/coaxing him, shouldn't she know better?

 

I think or hope he is lying to her about his health - poorly managed diabetes. He gave the judge a different reason for his health issues. He's been hospitalized several times and I was his chief caretaker in past years - having taken months off work at a time to care for him. So I can tell when his health is poorer than usual.

 

After all this, I still have no desire to hurt him. He clearly hates me and wants to destroy me as others have reminded me. Instead of hating him I feel really sad for him even though it seems the children and I were left holding the short end of the stick.

 

Plenty who know me think I should be angrier and in full combat gear. And they're probably right. Thing is, I think I know in my soul he is suffering a colossal loss here, not us. We will be okay. In fact, we will come of victorious.

 

I'm sure I don't want him back and was decent enough when the other woman told me she'd tried to stay out of things for as long as she could. Sometimes the why of it all plagues me.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Still-I-Rise

[littlejaz]

If I ever get to have a hearing - no children, just debt - I hope our judge sees through STBXH's lies as your did. It never ceases to amaze me at the lies he will tell. He is on his second attorney, the first one dropped him, and has lied to him from the beginning. And his lies are so bad that there is no way that anyone would believe them. I know what you mean about it making you sad, but you should stand up and fight for what you deserve.

[M30USA]

People are willing to do some heinous acts, including lies and wicked accusations, in order to win custody. God will judge everyone. As the Scripture says, everything done in secret shall be proclaimed from the rooftops. Good luck with your hearing.

[Grumpybutfun]

SIR:

The only thing I can offer is that you take his OW out of the equation of your thought process. As heinous as they are (OW/OM,) your fight is with your spouse and he is doing well on his own of being a grade A douche with assclown tendencies. Concentrate on providing a great life for your children and yourself. Their life choices do not define who you are. You get to be happy and your children get to have childhoods regardless of this terrible liar and deceiver so make sure they know they are important and make sure you know that he would have been exactly who he is regardless of who he married. Character isn't something people invest in but they should.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Still-I-Rise]

So far my husband has not complied with the order for child support made at our hearing earlier this month. I have learned he was not hospitalized in November as he testified in court.

 

Last week, one of his closest friends begged me to sue my husband for adultery and request wage garnishment. He said my husband believes I still care for him and would never pursue him in any way that might hurt him.

 

So it seems he perjured himself in court, again. In his defense telling lies doesn't usually come back to haunt him and so far he is flying free and clear with the perjury he committed before the last hearing.

 

Also, it appears he has moved his/our company, the one I helped build, solely under his girlfriend's management/name.

 

He still has no contact with our children which should not surprise me as he said they were no longer his.

 

However, we talked the day before he was supposed to make his first payment of support. He said the court said he we had to meet in order for him to give me the money because he cannot come to the primary residence as ordered at the hearing. (Since he left in July/August, he has given us $30.)

 

I told him that was not true and he could mail a check or deposit money in my bank account. He said he would and recited the account number to me, saying he realizes he must take care of his children.

 

In the meantime, my children and I are moving forward and I am working on myself.

 

It is imperative I understand WHY I put up with such behavior for so long and what made me think I could control the outcome.

 

I've come to accept I am co-dependent and am now working on establishing boundaries.

 

We were able to have a small but meaningful Christmas - my four beautiful children and I - and my heart is filled with gratitude for so many things.

Edited December 27, 2013 by Still-I-Rise